So my husband and I were laying in bed last night and I don't remember what made us talk about foreplay but we did. He said "how would you feel if every time we had sex we you had to give me oral to get me in the mood". I don't expect him to do it every time but I do need to be kissed or something to get aroused. Is it that unusual for women to need something and not be able to jump in bed and be ready? What I wanted to say is " Well maybe if we had some physical contact during the day then it would be a little easier to get in the mood when we go to bed". If he isn't in the mood, we don't do it. I can never initiate sex with him because he always turns it down. So when we do anything its when he wants. We have been together for 9 years and I never thought he felt this way. I was always under the impression men liked to please their woman. Maybe i was wrong?
you should have told him in a nonconfronting way that you need more physical contact durning the day. and that he turns you down when you try to initiate.
I'm sure he likes to please you hes trying to tell you what his needs are in a neanderthal round about way.
Oh we have had that talk plenty of times. He promises not to turn me down but he still does. I have never told him no to sex, not 1 time since we have been married. What he wants is a quickie or for me to just give him oral and be done. Yes I do give him oral during foreplay but he wants me to finish it and then we don't have sex. We have sex 3 times a month, weather that is intercourse or him just getting oral, its the same amount.
What he wants is a quickie or for me to just give him oral and be done. Yes I do give him oral during foreplay but he wants me to finish it and then we don't have sex.
Then do it.
Also, tell him how you hate feeling rejected for sex.
He is always pleased. Every time we have sex. Which is not much. Most of the time its every 2 weeks. We are in our 20's so I don't think that is very much at all. If I give him oral instead of sex then we go a month without having sex. Doesn't seem very fair. He wouldn't go that long without anything.
Oh we have had that talk plenty of times. He promises not to turn me down but he still does. I have never told him no to sex, not 1 time since we have been married. What he wants is a quickie or for me to just give him oral and be done. Yes I do give him oral during foreplay but he wants me to finish it and then we don't have sex. We have sex 3 times a month, weather that is intercourse or him just getting oral, its the same amount.
I count sex as intercourse that is satifying to both partners. So having sex X number per week. Then anything else I count as other. So BJs, HJs, Oral for her whatever are other. Other is good. Intercourse varies as to how long and so on.
So if one of those three times a month is a BJ only for him that really does not count as you guys having sex.
So not so good.
BTW, there is nothing wrong with quickies. Maybe that is part of the issue. If you can only have sex that lasts for long periods it can be hard to find those opportunities every time.
I very much prefer to pleasure my wife before we have intercourse. It is better for the both of us.
I wouldn't mind having quickies if it was on top of the 2-3 times a month we have sex, but it's not. If we have a quickie, that's it for another 2 weeks.
I wouldn't mind having quickies if it was on top of the 2-3 times a month we have sex, but it's not. If we have a quickie, that's it for another 2 weeks.
I absolutely meant on top of what you were doing for sure.
Just trying to help eliminate why you don't have sex more often.
Thank you for your help. It's just getting really hard to enjoy it. Every time we have sex and he does something for me, it feels fake or like he doesn't want to do. A lot of times I feel used afterwards. I hate feeling like that but it is what it is.
Maybe he should've married a man instead of trying to get you to respond like one. If he looks at the caressing, touching, etc before you two head to bed as work, then he's really missed the boat, and effectively trying to turn it into a selfish relationship. If on the unlikely chance that he is somehow implying that you are not meeting his needs, then he should just talk to you instead of trying to turn it into a mechanical act.
I think you need to work on establishing boundaries. This is not saying that you should only treat him as well as he treats you. Its telling him what your needs are, and that you expect him to respect them, while you will respect his in turn. Rule number one is that oral on him all the way doesn't meet your needs if sex is only a couple of times per month. Its more like icing on the cake for a regular sex life.
Maybe he should've married a man instead of trying to get you to respond like one. If he looks at the caressing, touching, etc before you two head to bed as work, then he's really missed the boat, and effectively trying to turn it into a selfish relationship. If on the unlikely chance that he is somehow implying that you are not meeting his needs, then he should just talk to you instead of trying to turn it into a mechanical act.
I think you need to work on establishing boundaries. This is not saying that you should only treat him as well as he treats you. Its telling him what your needs are, and that you expect him to respect them, while you will respect his in turn. Rule number one is that oral on him all the way doesn't meet your needs if sex is only a couple of times per month. Its more like icing on the cake for a regular sex life.
Nichole this may seem like an inpertenant question but do you feel that your husband loves you? If you look at his actions not his words are there indications of love and caring? If not, I would examine carefully and come up with a talk outside of the bedroom. Men can easily separate love from sex and it seems to me that he expects you to service him and not share an intimate connection.
I say that because sex does not appear to bring you closer. If you don't feel tgat you are getting intimacy and a connection from sex than you are just providing him with pleasure and tgat is it. Do you have children? Do you love him as he is not what you fantisies a husband should be.
I don't think this will change but you can change. If sex makes you feel used then tell him and don't have sexual contact that makes you feel used. If he is not motivated to please you and love you then why stay with him? I don't advocate giving up too soon. First tell him what you wrote here. Don't be afraid of losing him, sometimes you have to lose to win.
You seem to be tolerating a situation that is not good for you. Either change it or get out. Put effort into changing tge situation by communicating explicitly what you need and what you fell. If he seems forced ask him about it in a non accusatory way. If what you get from him is unsatisfactory for you, decide Olof this is how you want to live.
Women are givers and pleasers. We sometimes do not protect ourselves from being used. This saps your self esteem and ruins your chances to find true love. You have to expect to be lived and appreciated. Men do not love just because you give they love what they need to work for. If he is not willing to put in the work then he may not love you enough and does not mind if you leave if you are too much work.
Woman up and take responsibility for your emotional well being. Never let your self be used and expect to be treated well and with appreciation or just stop giving. If you lose him as a result of not servicing him then you at lest have developed the skills to attract a man who will work to make you pleased and happy. Your husband does not seem to be that man. Posted via Mobile Device
Thank you. I will talk to him again later. When we were having sex 2-3 times a week I didn't mind quickies or giving him oral without anything in return.
You should mind, you are not valuing yourself or what you give so naturally he does not. He does nit have to do anything to get what get wants. Ithonk he has tge guall to ask you to warm him up and he is unwilling to warm you up. If he expects tyat from you and he is nit willing to give tgan he should donwithout so he knows how it feels. If you are in your 20still and he uf sexually attracted to you he should be able to be arrouses by just thonking about having Sex with you. Is he sexually attracted to you. It does not sound like it.
It may be painful to realize but also helpful you can decide if you want thus man or one who finds you sexually attractive. Don't have a talk without a plan to put into effect boundaries. These should not be mistaken for demands or ultimatums. They are simply statements of where you draw the line in reference to what you need and expect. Tgey also set consequences for crossing tge like. That is tge nature of bounderies, tgey protect the person who establish them from abuse, being used and taken for granted. .
You will never get change if you just talk and accept the status quo. Actions or lack thereof should have consequences for him. You are not a service worker, so don't act like one. Approach this with your dignity intact without that you will eventually feel defeated and beaten down. Don't allow yourself to get to that point - it is up to you to protect yourself and not give over that power to someone else. Posted via Mobile Device
Need some help from the guys about sex 
