Wife decided to go to a bachelorette party - Page 3
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - Online Counseling - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Talk About Family, Marriage and Relationships »The Men's Clubhouse » Wife decided to go to a bachelorette party

The Men's Clubhouse Talk about life's dilemmas.

Like Tree18Likes

Closed Thread
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 07-05-2011, 10:44 PM   #31 (permalink)
Member
 
Entropy3000's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: In Love
Posts: 9,724
Default Re: Wife decided to go to a bachelorette party

Quote:
Originally Posted by golfergirl View Post
It wasnt you, but there was a thread where a wife was commenting to her friend in front of H that she wanted to squeeze coaches bicepts to see if they were real. Everyone agreed it was rude and some even joked that he should comment he wants to motorboat some chicks hot hooties. It was that thread in general I was refering to. You and I agree. I don't know what I'd call it (cheating), but it is rude, disrespectful and dishonest!
Posted via Mobile Device
Yes. I remember the thread. My answer in that thread was not to do equivalent bad behavior.
Entropy3000 is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 07-05-2011, 11:05 PM   #32 (permalink)
Member
 
heartsbeating's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Batcave
Posts: 4,745
Default Re: Wife decided to go to a bachelorette party

I understand how you'd be annoyed. She wasn't upfront with you, she didn't respect how you felt, she let a guy rub himself on her (which I do think she probably found gross) but in the end and maybe reluctantly, she has told you what happened.

I went to my first bachelorette party in this vain just a few years ago. There was a party bus, drinks, then strip club. Most of us found the strip club a real turn off, myself included. I wasn't enjoying it, left early and sober. I learned the night continued for the remaining girls with a private stripper and more drinks, he may or may not have scored a bj.

I don't know what the answer is for you. It's a bump in the road early on for you both. Based on your personal views, it's a major bump. You said she's been a gem up unto this point. She's still that person. She went to a bachelorette party and messed up. I do think it could have been worse and chances are you're gonna have to deal with worse in your marriage than a drunken bachelorette party and a stripper rubbing his covered wang against her back. Gross lol. Give yourself time to deal with it. Don't do anything rash. My 2 cents.
heartsbeating is offline  
Old 07-05-2011, 11:14 PM   #33 (permalink)
Member
 
Entropy3000's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: In Love
Posts: 9,724
Default Re: Wife decided to go to a bachelorette party

Quote:
Originally Posted by heartsbreaking View Post
I understand how you'd be annoyed. She wasn't upfront with you, she didn't respect how you felt, she let a guy rub himself on her (which I do think she probably found gross) but in the end and maybe reluctantly, she has told you what happened.

I went to my first bachelorette party in this vain just a few years ago. There was a party bus, drinks, then strip club. Most of us found the strip club a real turn off, myself included. I wasn't enjoying it, left early and sober. I learned the night continued for the remaining girls with a private stripper and more drinks, he may or may not have scored a bj.

I don't know what the answer is for you. It's a bump in the road early on for you both. Based on your personal views, it's a major bump. You said she's been a gem up unto this point. She's still that person. She went to a bachelorette party and messed up. I do think it could have been worse and chances are you're gonna have to deal with worse in your marriage than a drunken bachelorette party and a stripper rubbing his covered wang against her back. Gross lol. Give yourself time to deal with it. Don't do anything rash. My 2 cents.
Strip clubs are one level of things. Private "shows" are a whole other level of activity for men or women.

I may be weird about this but while I would not be pleased with a "covered wang", I find the uncovered wang rubbing on the wife a whole other level of activity.

The difference between a female stripper doing a lap dance clothed and one doing it nude. A different level to be sure.

He really does not know what the activity was.
I do agree that if it truly was just what you describe he should be able to set future boubdaries with her and move on IF she will agree to boubdaries he can accept and vice versa.

He seems to be getting trickle truth FWIW.
Entropy3000 is offline  
Old 07-05-2011, 11:31 PM   #34 (permalink)
Member
 
Ayrun's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 64
Default Re: Wife decided to go to a bachelorette party

I honestly can't imagine my lady in a situation like that. I think she'd burn up red from embarrassment, and maybe faint. Kinda funny, now that I think about it.
Ayrun is offline  
Old 07-06-2011, 01:52 AM   #35 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: So Cal
Posts: 4,370
Default Re: Wife decided to go to a bachelorette party

Dump her and move on. Case closed.
__________________
"Man is not a rational animal, he is a rationalizing animal." Robert A. Heinlein

Links
morituri is offline  
Old 07-06-2011, 03:07 AM   #36 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 134
Default Re: Wife decided to go to a bachelorette party

well, at the core there are two things here. The first is how does he square his values with his wife's misstep. I agree with what was posted above, through the course of your future marriage there will probably be greater challenges than this one. It's up to you to decide if this one night of letting her hair down has completely spoiled your opinion of what you've otherwise described as a great lady.

As to her decision to attend the stripper portion of the evening, this would seem to indicate that there is something lacking in her life, and it could or could not be sexual. And, to be fair to her and yourself, this might be brought on by something you are or are not doing. Perhaps she just wanted a chance to experience something she hasn't, perhaps even as she shares your views she was rebelling against the strong and controlling manner in which you voice them, perhaps sexually she was in a rut and just wanted some excitement.

The actions and the deception are definite issues to work through, and they obviously leave a mark. But, in dealing with those don't lose sight of the underlying REASON for the actions. You may have played an unwitting role in that as well.
piqued is offline  
Old 07-06-2011, 03:49 AM   #37 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 1,312
Default Re: Wife decided to go to a bachelorette party

I view strip clubs and private strippers at parties as cheating.

If you wouldn't do it in front of your spouse then you know it's not OK.

If you would find it cheating if you came home and your spouse was alone in a room with a naked person of the opposite sex enjoying a peep show, then it is still cheating if they do this in a strip club, it doesn't matter that they are in a group or have paid for it.

I don't know why society is so complacent about this sort of behaviour, I find it degrading to everyone involved.

I think your wife is very wrong, and that it's perfectly Ok to have those boundaries, it doesn't mean anything is lacking in your sex life as some people seem to imply. Sometimes people behave badly and treat their spouse poorly despite having great relationships.
Syrum is offline  
Old 07-06-2011, 04:06 AM   #38 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 1,312
Default Re: Wife decided to go to a bachelorette party

Quote:
Originally Posted by piqued View Post
Respectfully, you are the problem.

Who knows why she decided to attend, loyalty to a friend, curiousity, wanted a night on the town, something missing sexually between the two of you and she wanted to take in the show. Any of these things or more. But, the only pertinent fact is that she did attend and she clearly wanted to attend. As for faithfulness, the fact that something or someone other than you turned her on is not infidelity. Do you really want control over what she thinks, or at least have the right to approve or disapprove of her thoughts? Look at it like this, she could have picked up a guy at the club or gotten down with the stripper, but she didn't. She came home and wanted to get on with you!
If the Op's wife felt something was missing in the relationship, she should have gone to him and talked about it. Not been disloyal and behaved like she did.

I believe it is infidelity. Just because there is no vaginal penatration doesn't mean you have been faithful. seriously people just seem to go further and further with what is socially acceptable, despite it being bad for relationships.

Quote:
But, you made it clear that you stayed home and stewed about her going the entire time. What type of life is that for your wife? I'm not talking about values either, I'm just talking about the freedom of thought and expression.
What kind of life is it for him, knowing his wife would rather go out and have some guy rub himself on her, rather then value and protect her marriage ans honor her vows?

Quote:
As for her lying about it or being less than forthcoming I can think of a couple reasons. One, that might be her nature where she's just not comfortable talking (with you) about things that interest her that she fears won't interest you. Two, along a similar line, judging (albeit its a very short sample) by what you've written she might be afraid of being open with you for fear of either your rejection or your rebuke.
I can think of a couple of reasons too, she knew what she did was wrong. She felt ashamed etc, usually people lie when they have something to cover up.

Quote:
Lastly, and please take this with all due respect, but you sound like a pompous academic that is so convinced by his own thoughts and beliefs that he can't seem to find any level of acceptance for anyone else's, including his wife's. What person comes to an advice forum, asks for help, and then arrogantly rejects a stranger's advice because "I find your tone condescending and non-productive"? Again, respectfully, you seem to be here for no other reason than to have your anger, mistrust, and reasoning validated by others rather than seriously looking for a way to help or improve your relationship with your wife.
I disagree, you seem to be pushing your own agenda, which is you think it's fine to ogle other people and have them rub themselves on you for pleasure. Sounds like you are trying to convince yourself that it's really a good thing to do because you wouldn't want to believe your own values wrong.

Quote:
Go back and re-read your first two post and analyze yourself. To me, you sound extremely rigid, close-minded, and controlling. Your wife is probably the least of your problems in your relationship. Just my two cents
Just because some one doesn't take the socially accepted norm that strippers, prostitution, porn etc are Good for relationships or great for their marriage doesn't make them closed minded in fact I would say the opposite is true, all these "open minded" people with the same sexual values as every other person are the ones who seem very closed minded to the idea that it is harmful.
Syrum is offline  
Old 07-06-2011, 04:21 AM   #39 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 4,725
Default Re: Wife decided to go to a bachelorette party

jai_mann, eight years together, no problems. Two months married she stomps on and crushes one of your boundaries, she’s unfaithful and lies about it. It’s the marriage, she thinks she’s got you by the balls.

Two months and she’s already crashed off her pedestal. I think it’s time to be thankful you don’t have children together, it’s a whole new ballgame with disloyals/liars when kiddies are involved.

Keep to your standards, don’t let her lower them, drag them down. You don’t have to change the craziness that’s going on in some parts of society. It is time to be absolutely intolerant of such behaviour in your life with your wife. Tell her if she doesn’t like your rules/boundaries she can leave.

Last edited by AFEH; 07-06-2011 at 04:26 AM.
AFEH is offline  
Old 07-06-2011, 06:37 AM   #40 (permalink)
Moderator
 
Halien's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Earth that Was
Posts: 2,605
Default Re: Wife decided to go to a bachelorette party

Quote:
Originally Posted by AFEH View Post
jai_mann, eight years together, no problems. Two months married she stomps on and crushes one of your boundaries, sheís unfaithful and lies about it. Itís the marriage, she thinks sheís got you by the balls.

Two months and sheís already crashed off her pedestal. I think itís time to be thankful you donít have children together, itís a whole new ballgame with disloyals/liars when kiddies are involved.

Keep to your standards, donít let her lower them, drag them down. You donít have to change the craziness thatís going on in some parts of society. It is time to be absolutely intolerant of such behaviour in your life with your wife. Tell her if she doesnít like your rules/boundaries she can leave.
And if it helps, here's another who completely agrees with the statement above. Interestingly, my wife says that one of my traits that she finds most attractive is that I am extremely protective of her, but only within the boundaries that we agree upon together. If your wife can't see that part of your motivation is your fierce love of her, and not just selfishness, then you two are further apart than you thought before, and I think this is part of what is bothering you.
Halien is offline  
Old 07-06-2011, 08:03 AM   #41 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 2,343
Default Re: Wife decided to go to a bachelorette party

I totally agree that she crossed a boundary and that this is not what a married woman should be doing. The major issues are lying, wearing a bikini, and physical contact.

Now, you know she got "turned on" by this. You must realize that your wife is a sexual woman who gets turned on by displays of maleness. She put herself in a situation where there was one Alpha Male and many woman literally fighting each other for him. This is why she wore the bikini, allowed herself to be touched and I'm sure did whatever it took to get the male to choose her over the other females. This is all biologically based. And it is pure infidelity for a woman to compete with other femailes to try to win the approval and respond sexually to an Alpha Male who is not her husband.

So, keep this in mind that your wife is biologically programmed to respond sexually to an alpha male. The question is, did your lack of maleness open the door for her to get caught up in this? Almost certainly. I'm not blaming you but I recommend you be aware of this angle.

But given all that, in your resolution of this problem you have to display male strength. This means you cannot give up this boundary, or your values, or you definition of infidelity, or allow yourself to walk away from this without her complete understanding and 100% agreement what it means to be your wife. Also, you cannot act in such a way that the wedding reception has any impact whatsoever in your decision. So, I would recommend you cancel it. You should tell your guests and let your wife know that the explanation for the cancel is "Wife and I had a difference of opinion on something. It is the type of thing that I'm not sure we have the same idea of marriage. I don't want to get into the specifics. We are working through it. For now, I would not feel right about having a reception".

Your strength, your unwillingness to waver from your values (even when explaining why you are canceling the party) are key here. But, given everythign described, I would give your wife the chance to demonstrate that she accepts marriage on your terms, giving her the choice to do this or leave.
Hicks is offline  
Old 07-06-2011, 08:51 AM   #42 (permalink)
Member
 
Entropy3000's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: In Love
Posts: 9,724
Default Re: Wife decided to go to a bachelorette party

Quote:
Originally Posted by Syrum View Post
I view strip clubs and private strippers at parties as cheating.

If you wouldn't do it in front of your spouse then you know it's not OK.

If you would find it cheating if you came home and your spouse was alone in a room with a naked person of the opposite sex enjoying a peep show, then it is still cheating if they do this in a strip club, it doesn't matter that they are in a group or have paid for it.

I don't know why society is so complacent about this sort of behaviour, I find it degrading to everyone involved.

I think your wife is very wrong, and that it's perfectly Ok to have those boundaries, it doesn't mean anything is lacking in your sex life as some people seem to imply. Sometimes people behave badly and treat their spouse poorly despite having great relationships.
Finally some words of reason and sanity. He has every right to be concerned for more than one reason.
Entropy3000 is offline  
Old 07-06-2011, 08:57 AM   #43 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 368
Default Re: Wife decided to go to a bachelorette party

I work in hospitality and every summer we are flooded with bachelorette parties. These things are almost always thoroughly planned out. Everything. Most of the time, they are women acting silly together. However, I have seen some very inappropriate behavior by a woman about to be married ( and the friends are often married, encouraging the behavior).

Jai, the problem with these bachelorette parties is that the husband to be and husbands of other women will never get the real story of what happens on these trips. Unless a woman does something wrong and breaks down from guilt. Look around at the stories in the Infidelity board. That doesn't happen often.

Your wife knew what was going to happen, was ready for it, participated and then lied to you about it. Two months after she took vows to love you above all others. She could have left that party early knowing you had entirely reasonable expectations of her behavior, regardless of what her friends would have said to her. She chose not to. What really sucks is that you may not have the whole story. Read some more posts in the Infidelity board, and you'll think you definately dont know the whole story. And she is socializing with women who condone this type of behavior. Lots of stories floating around here about toxic friends.

Two months in and she pulls something like this? No respect and no honesty. Since I've been lurking on TAM for close to a year, and combined with what I've seen in my work - bachelorette parties and the dreaded "girls night out", I have developed a phrase that I've been repeating to a few married friends. If your wife/husband wants to act single, make them single.
Whip Morgan is offline  
Old 07-06-2011, 09:13 AM   #44 (permalink)
Member
 
Entropy3000's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: In Love
Posts: 9,724
Default Re: Wife decided to go to a bachelorette party

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hicks View Post
I totally agree that she crossed a boundary and that this is not what a married woman should be doing. The major issues are lying, wearing a bikini, and physical contact.

Now, you know she got "turned on" by this. You must realize that your wife is a sexual woman who gets turned on by displays of maleness. She put herself in a situation where there was one Alpha Male and many woman literally fighting each other for him. This is why she wore the bikini, allowed herself to be touched and I'm sure did whatever it took to get the male to choose her over the other females. This is all biologically based. And it is pure infidelity for a woman to compete with other femailes to try to win the approval and respond sexually to an Alpha Male who is not her husband.

So, keep this in mind that your wife is biologically programmed to respond sexually to an alpha male. The question is, did your lack of maleness open the door for her to get caught up in this? Almost certainly. I'm not blaming you but I recommend you be aware of this angle.

But given all that, in your resolution of this problem you have to display male strength. This means you cannot give up this boundary, or your values, or you definition of infidelity, or allow yourself to walk away from this without her complete understanding and 100% agreement what it means to be your wife. Also, you cannot act in such a way that the wedding reception has any impact whatsoever in your decision. So, I would recommend you cancel it. You should tell your guests and let your wife know that the explanation for the cancel is "Wife and I had a difference of opinion on something. It is the type of thing that I'm not sure we have the same idea of marriage. I don't want to get into the specifics. We are working through it. For now, I would not feel right about having a reception".

Your strength, your unwillingness to waver from your values (even when explaining why you are canceling the party) are key here. But, given everythign described, I would give your wife the chance to demonstrate that she accepts marriage on your terms, giving her the choice to do this or leave.
Some good points of view here. For you to give into her is not attractive. She has demonstrated that she is interested in competing for the Alpha male which of course is very disrespectful of you. She would not find your willingness to accept this as attractive on your part. It would be you submitting to here desire for other Alpha males. This is why I see this activity as a level of cuckolding if allowed to continue.

Check this blog out. Just finished the book myself.

http://www.marriedmansexlife.com/

Last edited by Entropy3000; 07-06-2011 at 11:16 AM.
Entropy3000 is offline  
Old 07-06-2011, 09:22 AM   #45 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: So Cal
Posts: 4,370
Default Re: Wife decided to go to a bachelorette party

As someone else here said, she probably engaged in more than just allowing the male stripper to rub his genitals on her skin. More so if there was alcohol involved - which is almost always the case.

Bottom line is that you were conned by her into believing that she shared your moral value system. It didn't take long after the two of you got married that she commits this grievous act of infidelity. It wouldn't be surprising if she did cheat on you during your 8 year courtship. For people seldom do an about face with regards to their moral values, like she has.

Get the marriage annulled and move on.
__________________
"Man is not a rational animal, he is a rationalizing animal." Robert A. Heinlein

Links
morituri is offline  
Closed Thread

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
My wife has decided to leave me Ė I donít want to lose her!!! Cradock Considering Divorce or Separation 17 09-11-2011 10:54 AM
Wife decided after ea/pa divorce seperation is the only way help save this pls disbelief Coping with Infidelity 246 12-11-2010 08:52 PM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads





Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 06:58 AM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage