Wife decided to go to a bachelorette party
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Old 07-05-2011, 06:50 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Wife decided to go to a bachelorette party

So I'm new here. I'll search the threads for similar cases after I post my situation.

I've been married for just over 2 months. I've been with the same lady (30yrs old) for the past 8 years. She's always been faithful and generally forthright (some times I have to pry things out of her). She's in psychiatry. My own back ground is psychology with an emphasis on behaviorism. So, clearly, even the supposed experts have their issues...

I've made myself pretty clear on what I feel are failing standards in society and the promotion of degeneracy via the media. My wife has been hearing this for several years now as my concern for society and the youth grows. And yet, she decided to go to a bachelorette party 2 nights ago, when she knew a male stripper would be there and that I absolutely frowned upon these things.

The morning when she came back she tried "getting close" to me while I was sleeping, and she never does this unless she wants to make love. I was exhausted and furious with her for going to that thing, when she had the opportunity to leave after dinner and a club, but instead she went back to the apartment where this guy shows up.

She has had the nerve to tell me that I didn't need to know the details of what happened with her there, and she has repeatedly lied about the entire experience which initially went from, "I didn't know there would be a stripper there until we left the club" to acknowledging that it was in the evite which she left up on our desktop. She was clearly excited as it would be "real bachelorette action".

She initially lied and told me the stripper didn't do any thing to her. But I got a confession out of her that she had put on a bikini top beforehand, which was clearly for skin contact. And eventually she indicated that he had rubbed his genitals on her back (he had a thong on, big whoop). Obviously, after much teeth pulling I got more facts and I don't think that I've heard the last of it.

She claimed that it was awkward, horrible, and disgusting, but I pointed out to her that if this was the case she could have left at any time. She willingly went along with all of this. She's sorry she got caught essentially. But not sorry about what she did. Again, she had the nerve to come home to me all stimulated and wake me up in the morning. I'm completely disgusted with her and I've told her that she has crossed a line which I don't know if our marriage will withstand.

I'm planning on seeing how truthful and honest she is regarding the issue further, mainly to see if she is willing to attempt to rebuild my trust by telling me what happened (and if I'm further outraged by her acts I'll know if I even want to try to salvage this thing). I've been calm and analytical with her which has made her lies transparent.

I honestly don't know if I can repair things as the wound is deep and my trust is damaged to the core. I am willing to give more information if people ask as I'm really here to get feed back from others and to try to cope with having my heart broken by the girl who I once thought was so virtuous.

Please feel free to comment or ask questions.

Thanks in advance as I have yet to speak to any one else about this. Part of me wants to get her to talk to her parents about it with me present as we are supposed to have a delayed wedding reception with my folks on the east coast. I don't want to create resentment but she's very clearly been disrespectful and untruthful to me. She said a number of times before I got the more graphic information out of her that I was making a big deal out of nothing. She knew how I felt about that sort of thing and she spent july 4th back with her ****ty friend who is the bride to be, and that friend was telling her the same thing (some friend, and I pity the future hubby).

Enough for now. Comments are appreciated...
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Old 07-05-2011, 07:07 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife decided to go to a bachelorette party

Your wife is a responsible adult. You've known her for eight years. She's perfectly capable of going to see male strippers or securing any other form of male attention whenever it suits her. She apparently decided to marry you instead. She was invited to a bachelorette party and for whatever reason, she accepted the invitation. The sorts of foolishness you described, whether they are your cup of tea or not, are typical of bachelorette parties. If you are invited to a bachelor party, you won't be playing checkers there. Let your wife be an adult and trust that she will be a responsible and faithful one. If her devotion for you isn't enough to keep her from straying too far, any commandments you hand down from the mount won't help, either. She got in the mood and then she brought it home to you. If you have the number of that stripper, I'd like to send my wife to see him.
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Old 07-05-2011, 07:33 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife decided to go to a bachelorette party

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Your wife is a responsible adult. You've known her for eight years. She's perfectly capable of going to see male strippers or securing any other form of male attention whenever it suits her. She apparently decided to marry you instead. She was invited to a bachelorette party and for whatever reason, she accepted the invitation. The sorts of foolishness you described, whether they are your cup of tea or not, are typical of bachelorette parties. If you are invited to a bachelor party, you won't be playing checkers there. Let your wife be an adult and trust that she will be a responsible and faithful one. If her devotion for you isn't enough to keep her from straying too far, any commandments you hand down from the mount won't help, either. She got in the mood and then she brought it home to you. If you have the number of that stripper, I'd like to send my wife to see him.
You see, this is my problem. It is not faithful of her to have a male stripper rubbing his genitalia on her, or for her to come home horny, waking me up.

Faithfulness is more than simply physical contact. It involves psychological aspects as well.

Is there some reason why you fail to address the facts that she lied through her teeth to me regarding this incident, and that she went to this incident knowing full well that I did not approve?

This notion of people being able to go see strippers is not some thing that every one agrees upon as a matter of values. Clearly, your values differ from mine. This issue at hand here is not what you think is okay, but what I think is okay, as I am her husband and your standards are not my standards.

Don't treat me as if I'm naive about those parties either. I find your tone condescending and non-productive.
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Old 07-05-2011, 07:46 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife decided to go to a bachelorette party

I think you are WAY over reacting. It was a bachelorette party, not a swingers party. Yes, the male rubbed his junk on her, but these strippers are working for tips-they will pull out all stops. Of course your W didn't leave-nobody wants to bee seen as the buzzkill at these things. If it were a bachelor party, and a stripper showed up, would you have the nerve to walk out?
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Old 07-05-2011, 07:49 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife decided to go to a bachelorette party

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Originally Posted by jai_mann View Post
You see, this is my problem. It is not faithful of her to have a male stripper rubbing his genitalia on her, or for her to come home horny, waking me up.

Faithfulness is more than simply physical contact. It involves psychological aspects as well.

Is there some reason why you fail to address the facts that she lied through her teeth to me regarding this incident, and that she went to this incident knowing full well that I did not approve?

This notion of people being able to go see strippers is not some thing that every one agrees upon as a matter of values. Clearly, your values differ from mine. This issue at hand here is not what you think is okay, but what I think is okay, as I am her husband and your standards are not my standards.

Don't treat me as if I'm naive about those parties either. I find your tone condescending and non-productive.
It also appears that your values and your wife's values differ. This may be something for you and her to discuss.

I agree that it's a problem that she lied about knowing that a stripper was going to be there. She likely lied because your values differ. I'm not defending lying but she likely thought this was no big deal and you clearly have a different view of the event. She seems to be aware of this difference in values.

As an aside, I don't understand why you would want to discuss this incident with her parents. The last thing I would want to do is to bring my in-laws into a conflict between me and my wife.
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Old 07-05-2011, 08:09 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife decided to go to a bachelorette party

Why did you let her go in the first place. You sound like a smart guy, and one that knows damb well what goes on when there are strippers and now your all worked up.

You made your bed now lie in it and I for one would give my chick a good spanking for miss behaving like that, but i also would have expected it

Bachelorette and bachelor party are for single folks.

Look at from the strippers view point, his and her job is to get clients sexualy charged so they get more money by doing kinky things. The kinker they get the more money they get. Its all about certian degrees of sex. Sex sex sex, and you let you women go and now your pissed.

Maybe your just pissed b/c you weren't alpha enough to tell her to stay home.
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Old 07-05-2011, 08:14 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife decided to go to a bachelorette party

My mother told me " It doesn't matter where they get their appetite from, as long as they eat at home." Gotta love mom.
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Old 07-05-2011, 08:19 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife decided to go to a bachelorette party

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Originally Posted by jai_mann View Post
You see, this is my problem. It is not faithful of her to have a male stripper rubbing his genitalia on her, or for her to come home horny, waking me up.

Faithfulness is more than simply physical contact. It involves psychological aspects as well.

Is there some reason why you fail to address the facts that she lied through her teeth to me regarding this incident, and that she went to this incident knowing full well that I did not approve?

This notion of people being able to go see strippers is not some thing that every one agrees upon as a matter of values. Clearly, your values differ from mine. This issue at hand here is not what you think is okay, but what I think is okay, as I am her husband and your standards are not my standards.

Don't treat me as if I'm naive about those parties either. I find your tone condescending and non-productive.
Respectfully, you are the problem.

Who knows why she decided to attend, loyalty to a friend, curiousity, wanted a night on the town, something missing sexually between the two of you and she wanted to take in the show. Any of these things or more. But, the only pertinent fact is that she did attend and she clearly wanted to attend. As for faithfulness, the fact that something or someone other than you turned her on is not infidelity. Do you really want control over what she thinks, or at least have the right to approve or disapprove of her thoughts? Look at it like this, she could have picked up a guy at the club or gotten down with the stripper, but she didn't. She came home and wanted to get on with you!

But, you made it clear that you stayed home and stewed about her going the entire time. What type of life is that for your wife? I'm not talking about values either, I'm just talking about the freedom of thought and expression.

As for her lying about it or being less than forthcoming I can think of a couple reasons. One, that might be her nature where she's just not comfortable talking (with you) about things that interest her that she fears won't interest you. Two, along a similar line, judging (albeit its a very short sample) by what you've written she might be afraid of being open with you for fear of either your rejection or your rebuke.

Lastly, and please take this with all due respect, but you sound like a pompous academic that is so convinced by his own thoughts and beliefs that he can't seem to find any level of acceptance for anyone else's, including his wife's. What person comes to an advice forum, asks for help, and then arrogantly rejects a stranger's advice because "I find your tone condescending and non-productive"? Again, respectfully, you seem to be here for no other reason than to have your anger, mistrust, and reasoning validated by others rather than seriously looking for a way to help or improve your relationship with your wife.

Go back and re-read your first two post and analyze yourself. To me, you sound extremely rigid, close-minded, and controlling. Your wife is probably the least of your problems in your relationship. Just my two cents.
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Old 07-05-2011, 08:38 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife decided to go to a bachelorette party

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I think you are WAY over reacting. It was a bachelorette party, not a swingers party. Yes, the male rubbed his junk on her, but these strippers are working for tips-they will pull out all stops. Of course your W didn't leave-nobody wants to bee seen as the buzzkill at these things. If it were a bachelor party, and a stripper showed up, would you have the nerve to walk out?
First and foremost, she didn't need to go back to this apartment. All she had to do was say have fun after the club and come home. Secondly, leaving such a scene is not as much of a buzzkill as staying at the scene and acting repulsed.

I won't go to a bachelor party where strippers are involved, and never have. I didn't have a bachelor party for myself as I find it classless.

I understand the difference in values that people have here. I'm pondering why it is so difficult for people to dissociate themselves from their own values, and take my values into account for this situation. One does not need to agree with my values to do so.
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Old 07-05-2011, 08:49 PM   #10 (permalink)
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It also appears that your values and your wife's values differ. This may be something for you and her to discuss.

I agree that it's a problem that she lied about knowing that a stripper was going to be there. She likely lied because your values differ. I'm not defending lying but she likely thought this was no big deal and you clearly have a different view of the event. She seems to be aware of this difference in values.

As an aside, I don't understand why you would want to discuss this incident with her parents. The last thing I would want to do is to bring my in-laws into a conflict between me and my wife.
Yes, this value difference is what is killing me. We dated for nearly 8 years and were monogamous. I never went to strip clubs nor she. I'm not sure if she expressing this difference in values simply to justify her own behavior (which I find likely given all of the rest of her behavior thus far). I've been outspoken regarding my own views which makes me feel betrayed that if she truly had differing values, she failed to share them.

I've got a chronic injury to boot and several times over the years I told her I might never recover (tendonitis in the hamstring and adductor), and that if she wanted to split she could. I have felt in the past 4 years that she has stuck with me because she thought I was the best she could get. Clearly, I'm not fitting the bill on something but she isn't communicating about it with me, even though she says she'll communicate when there's issues.

Well the only reason I was thinking of bringing the parents in to the issue is as I said, we are supposed to have an east coast wedding reception for my family members who couldn't make the west coast one. If we have to cancel the reception our parents are going to want to know what's going on. I don't know that I want to go through with it at this point. If our values differ that fundamentally and she has hid this fact for years then I can not see a lasting and fruitful marriage. I'd rather nip the problem in the bud before there's children caught up in the mess.
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Old 07-05-2011, 08:53 PM   #11 (permalink)
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she could have picked up a guy at the club or gotten down with the stripper, but she didn't. She came home and wanted to get on with you!
how do you know she didnt?
then guilt sex?
she lied about everything else.

i would have locked her out until later in the day.

they just got married.
she already knew how he felt about these issues.
she chose to still marry him.
complete disrespect in my eyes.
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Old 07-05-2011, 08:56 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Why did you let her go in the first place. You sound like a smart guy, and one that knows damb well what goes on when there are strippers and now your all worked up.

You made your bed now lie in it and I for one would give my chick a good spanking for miss behaving like that, but i also would have expected it

Bachelorette and bachelor party are for single folks.

Look at from the strippers view point, his and her job is to get clients sexualy charged so they get more money by doing kinky things. The kinker they get the more money they get. Its all about certian degrees of sex. Sex sex sex, and you let you women go and now your pissed.

Maybe your just pissed b/c you weren't alpha enough to tell her to stay home.
Shall I bind her wrists with lock and chain?

My values were made clear. As an adult, aware of my values, she selected not to end her evening after dinner out, or clubbing (she even texted me saying it wasn't her scene at the club, and I texted back, facetiously, that it sounded like great fun for "married women"). I'm not going to physically restrict her, and factually speaking, it would be better to be in this situation where I question if the relationship should continue, than to be physically controlling, as that merely leads to resentment.

Would it be alpha enough to give her a thorough beating when I next see her, or has the moment passed? (yes I'm being facetious again...)
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Old 07-05-2011, 08:58 PM   #13 (permalink)
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So let me get this right. After the club they went back to the apartment and had a private male stripper party where a male stripper rubbed his c0ck on her. She was prepared for that becasue she purposely wore a bikini top for that action. How is this ok? Wearing "special" clothing to allow for his access at the least.

So at least he rubbed on her bare skin. It is reasonable to wonder if she took the top off. It is not unheard of for male strippers to receive handjobs, blowjobs and sometimes cum on the "ladies". In some private male stripper engagments they actually have sex with some of the women. All of what I am saying is complete specualtion, BUT when she is telling lies and saying you do not need to know then there is fire.

One can reasonably assume the bikini is for extra access and as a display to the stripper for his extra attention. Normally in this case the stripper will use his mouth to pull money out of her bikini top. He of course takes the liberty of playing with her nipples through her bikini, but with such access it easily allows for the bikini to be pushed away or even taken off so he can touch her breasts, kiss and suck on them and maybe have some c0ck breast action which may or may not result in his orgasm. Not typical, it just depends solely on what the ladies want. This should not be assumed of course. You just flat do not know. But this is why women wear a bikini top. It allows access and can easily he disgarded. In private shows it is possible for the stripper to have the "ladies" rub then down with oil including rubbing his genitals. They generally bring some whip cream along in case the women are interested in licking or sucking the whip cream off of their c0cks. Pretty graphic stuff. Again, no reason to assume this happened but it is the environment and I am sure part of the excitement for the ladies. It is reasonable to assume some of these things went on with other women if not with your wife. Ok so that is out of the way.

My wife and I have a look but do not touch policy. Beyond this boundary we consider cheating. We have agreed to that. I would be very upset if my wife lied to me about such activities and not only went to a male strip club but then went to a private party with male strippers. Private parties with male strippers are often pretty much sex parties. The strippers are essentially prostitutes. That is the reason why they are private. If my wife went to a strip club and did not touch or get touched I would not be upset as it is what we have agreed to. I am fortunate that my wife does not want to do these things.

I am betting what went on at the party goes way beyond what you would consider acceptable.

She did not think you needed to know the details of what happened there to her. Really? Why? You are married two months and she is already out after this type of entertainment.

Last edited by Entropy3000; 07-06-2011 at 10:45 AM.
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Old 07-05-2011, 09:03 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife decided to go to a bachelorette party

Really doesn't matter what the OP's morals allow or don't allow because he wasn't in attendance. If he doesn't like genitals rubbed on his back, he doesn't have to attend. An individual cannot dictate another person's moral standards. Whatever occured apparently didn't break any laws, so it didn't violate society's moral standard. His wife's moral standards are between her and God. He can make his position known to her but in the end, he must accept her (along with her morals) or reject both.
I have no desire to see strippers and I haven't felt the need to attend a bachelor party that included them. That's part of my own personal morality, I suppose. However, my personal morals also hold that I don't own any other human being nor do I have the right to demand that they adhere to my personal moral standards. The song of freedom often sounds condoscending, offensive, objectionable, or unproductive.
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Old 07-05-2011, 09:13 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife decided to go to a bachelorette party

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Really doesn't matter what the OP's morals allow or don't allow because he wasn't in attendance. If he doesn't like genitals rubbed on his back, he doesn't have to attend. An individual cannot dictate another person's moral standards. Whatever occured apparently didn't break any laws, so it didn't violate society's moral standard. His wife's moral standards are between her and God. He can make his position known to her but in the end, he must accept her (along with her morals) or reject both.
I have no desire to see strippers and I haven't felt the need to attend a bachelor party that included them. That's part of my own personal morality, I suppose. However, my personal morals also hold that I don't own any other human being nor do I have the right to demand that they adhere to my personal moral standards. The song of freedom often sounds condoscending, offensive, objectionable, or unproductive.
Does this stop at genital rubbing, or just sex with another guy, or sex with many guys? I guess I'm with you on the freedom thing up to the point of saying "I do".
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