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Old 07-15-2011, 07:46 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Default Re: Bumping Back on the bump back

Hey - is there a difference between Fitness Testing and a generally controlling personality? In some instances I can see the fitnes stuff with my wife, but she does similar things with our kids and other parts of her life. She 'just wants to make sure everyone's happy' so she tells them all what they have to do. Just curious.
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Old 07-15-2011, 08:01 AM   #17 (permalink)
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Default Re: Bumping Back on the bump back

For an answer to her statement about the dishes:

My using them is just a testament to your awesome work If you want to get a paper plate for me I can work with that too.
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Old 07-15-2011, 09:10 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Default Re: Bumping Back on the bump back

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Hey - is there a difference between Fitness Testing and a generally controlling personality? In some instances I can see the fitnes stuff with my wife, but she does similar things with our kids and other parts of her life. She 'just wants to make sure everyone's happy' so she tells them all what they have to do. Just curious.
Great point. I struggle with the same type of situation.

Sometimes I feel that some people, men and women but maybe more women, are just emotionally ill... I think that in that case being assertive (or alpha as people here like to call it) might at least help you feel like a human being and not a dormant. It might still not change much her since she needs to go to counseling and to realize that she is in a ditch.

I believe people that wives that act very controlling, yelling a lot and talking not nicely to others (including parents and siblings) are suffering from a great emotional issue. They are full of fears, and in general never learned how to deal with their emotions.

Sometimes I think it's their parents fault that they didn't teach them how to deal with emotions. And in that case, you have a major responsibility to make sure your kids are not like that, but showing an example of a well balanced and emotionally stable person.
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Old 07-15-2011, 09:16 AM   #19 (permalink)
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Default Re: Bumping Back on the bump back

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Great point. I struggle with the same type of situation.

Sometimes I feel that some people, men and women but maybe more women, are just emotionally ill... I think that in that case being assertive (or alpha as people here like to call it) might at least help you feel like a human being and not a dormant. It might still not change much her since she needs to go to counseling and to realize that she is in a ditch.

I believe people that wives that act very controlling, yelling a lot and talking not nicely to others (including parents and siblings) are suffering from a great emotional issue. They are full of fears, and in general never learned how to deal with their emotions.

Sometimes I think it's their parents fault that they didn't teach them how to deal with emotions. And in that case, you have a major responsibility to make sure your kids are not like that, but showing an example of a well balanced and emotionally stable person.
Thatís all very true. For those that didnít have good teachers as far as emotional management is concerned, Emotional Intelligence (Amazon.com: Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ (9780553375060): Daniel Goleman: Books) is probably the best way to learn.
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Old 07-15-2011, 09:35 AM   #20 (permalink)
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Default Re: Bumping Back on the bump back

So how long can dishes be out until they're fit for reuse?

"I just washed them"

Well good, thanks. I wasn't going to use a dirty one.
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Old 07-15-2011, 09:48 AM   #21 (permalink)
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Situation-

Wife brings in bratwurst of the grill and announces that lunch is done. I walk into the kitchen, and start to grab a plate out of the cabinet. She uses the scolding tone of voice to say "I just did dishes, use something else". I gave her the angry eye, grabbed a paper plate and walked away.
Look her in the eye and CALMLY say, you do not have the right to speak to me like I am a child. And take a plate.

Quote:
5 minutes later she asked why I got mad at her (I finally processed the whole thing), and told her that it was unacceptable that she told me not to use a plate like she would address a child. She wanted to argue that "she asked me to use something else", and when I repeated exactly what she said, she said "Fine. I just did dishes, use something else". I told her that was unacceptable (again), and she replied "so you get to be all alpha and I don't? I don't think so".
My response of "That's the way it works" didn't sound all that great. I Know this is going to come up again, suggestions?
Do you speak to her as if she is a child? Is that what alpha means to you? If so, that sucks and you are gonna get nowhere.
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Old 07-15-2011, 09:52 AM   #22 (permalink)
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Thatís all very true. For those that didnít have good teachers as far as emotional management is concerned, Emotional Intelligence (Amazon.com: Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ (9780553375060): Daniel Goleman: Books) is probably the best way to learn.

Sure, that's a great book. One has to realize that they are ill before turning to a doctor... and a strong symptom of that illness is that you think that everyone else is bad and if only he and she and they will change their way the world will be a better place.

Believe me, I see it almost every day. She is a wonderful woman, good looking and very smart. But clueless whenever any emotional challenge comes up.

She will never say "I am sad", almost never cry. Instead, be angry and blame everyone.
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Old 07-15-2011, 09:57 AM   #23 (permalink)
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So how long can dishes be out until they're fit for reuse?

"I just washed them"

Well good, thanks. I wasn't going to use a dirty one.
Exactly. The comment actually makes no sense at all. How long after cleaning the shower does someone have to wait before using it?
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Old 07-15-2011, 10:16 AM   #24 (permalink)
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I've been completely open with her on the manning up/alpha process, mostly because it's starting to do it's job as fair warning
She's starting to recognize the destabilization of the status quo, and it both pushing back and accepting it. She's realized that the last year of "waiting for her to want it" was a bust, and I'm done with being frustrated. Her pushing back is mostly her stubborn nature.

After this incident yesterday, she got more housework done than usual, and asked me to come to bed early with her
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Old 07-15-2011, 10:18 AM   #25 (permalink)
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Look her in the eye and CALMLY say, you do not have the right to speak to me like I am a child. And take a plate.



Do you speak to her as if she is a child? Is that what alpha means to you? If so, that sucks and you are gonna get nowhere.
Any sort of parent/child stuff simply must be minimized.

Deflect with humor and wit.

No sarcasm - light touch.
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Old 07-15-2011, 12:33 PM   #26 (permalink)
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Default Re: Bumping Back on the bump back

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Any sort of parent/child stuff simply must be minimized.

Deflect with humor and wit.

No sarcasm - light touch.
And for heaven's sake, use a plate.
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Old 07-15-2011, 12:37 PM   #27 (permalink)
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And for heaven's sake, use a plate.
Eating straight from your hands is ill mannered.
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Old 07-15-2011, 12:44 PM   #28 (permalink)
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And for heaven's sake, use a plate.
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Eating straight from your hands is ill mannered.
Lol. For some reason that reminded me of my boy. We saw How to Train Your Dragon the day before Thanksgiving, (he was 7 at the time), and as we sat down to eat he said "I want to eat like a Viking!" So we gave him a turkey leg and he ate the whole thing holding onto the bone.

Wait, your saying I can't do that?
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Old 07-15-2011, 12:52 PM   #29 (permalink)
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Lol. For some reason that reminded me of my boy. We saw How to Train Your Dragon the day before Thanksgiving, (he was 7 at the time), and as we sat down to eat he said "I want to eat like a Viking!" So we gave him a turkey leg and he ate the whole thing holding onto the bone.

Wait, your saying I can't do that?
Only when she's not watching.
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Old 07-15-2011, 01:50 PM   #30 (permalink)
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Default Re: Bumping Back on the bump back

Sounds like she could re-evaluate the way she speaks and thinks.

I have my days when my husband will be helping me and I may say something like:
"Dammit! Don't over fill that pan!"

my husband, and his response is usually something like,
"I was just trying to help you, I don't think that is a good reason for you to snap at me like that." he says it very calmly, but firmly.

usually by then I think crap, that was stupid, why does he put up with this, and say
"I am sorry I snapped at you, you are right that is really no reason to be cranky."

He will say something like, "I forgive you, now why is it bad to over fill the pan?"

"Because the pan has no lid and it spills when I move it to the sink and dirty dish water gets on the counter and floor."

he says something like, "Oh okay I understand."

and there you go we are working like a team again.

I don't know why eating ff of a clean plate is considered "off limits" in your home, maybe she was done with cleaning for that day and wanted to relax and just use paper that day, but she didn't explain that to you.

Last edited by Mrs. Knight; 07-15-2011 at 02:00 PM.
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