Wife brings in bratwurst of the grill and announces that lunch is done. I walk into the kitchen, and start to grab a plate out of the cabinet. She uses the scolding tone of voice to say "I just did dishes, use something else". I gave her the angry eye, grabbed a paper plate and walked away. 5 minutes later she asked why I got mad at her (I finally processed the whole thing), and told her that it was unacceptable that she told me not to use a plate like she would address a child. She wanted to argue that "she asked me to use something else", and when I repeated exactly what she said, she said "Fine. I just did dishes, use something else". I told her that was unacceptable (again), and she replied "so you get to be all alpha and I don't? I don't think so".
My response of "That's the way it works" didn't sound all that great. I Know this is going to come up again, suggestions?
This is not about alpha. It is about treating your partner in a courteous manner. She was disrespectful to you and you called her on it. Your response to her could have been: This isn't about alpha, it's about treating me disrespectfully. I won't put up with it, and if I treat you disrespectfully I would not expect you to put up with it either.
Alpha may result in getting your way, but getting your way to treat your spouse worse than you would a stranger is unacceptable.
She could have said: "Oh, honey, I just did the dishes. Maybe a paper plate?" in a non-condescending tone.
Unfortunately, it WILL come up again-maybe not this issue, but something else. The thing is, you want to assert yourself, and not be talked to in a way reserved for misbehaving 5-year-olds, and that's good.
But, unfortunately, there is, at least in a female's mind, very little difference between being an assertive man who respects himself-and being a controlling, abusive a**hole.
Whatever strikes you about this subject, there are plenty of guys here with ideas about how to handle these situations.
What you did is likely to be ineffective in the long run.
Quote:
Originally Posted by WorldsApart
Situation-
Wife brings in bratwurst of the grill and announces that lunch is done. I walk into the kitchen, and start to grab a plate out of the cabinet. She uses the scolding tone of voice to say "I just did dishes, use something else". I gave her the angry eye, grabbed a paper plate and walked away. 5 minutes later she asked why I got mad at her (I finally processed the whole thing), and told her that it was unacceptable that she told me not to use a plate like she would address a child. She wanted to argue that "she asked me to use something else", and when I repeated exactly what she said, she said "Fine. I just did dishes, use something else". I told her that was unacceptable (again), and she replied "so you get to be all alpha and I don't? I don't think so".
My response of "That's the way it works" didn't sound all that great. I Know this is going to come up again, suggestions?
Power & Control. I went to the MD today my wife "reminded" me five times about my drop off in cardio workouts. I finally had to "remind" I am not retarded. All Sulking Normal. Posted via Mobile Device
She could have said: "Oh, honey, I just did the dishes. Maybe a paper plate?" in a non-condescending tone.
Unfortunately, it WILL come up again-maybe not this issue, but something else. The thing is, you want to assert yourself, and not be talked to in a way reserved for misbehaving 5-year-olds, and that's good.
But, unfortunately, there is, at least in a female's mind, very little difference between being an assertive man who respects himself-and being a controlling, abusive a**hole.
I was married to a controlling, abusive a**hole for 28 years. I know the difference. Go ahead, assert yourself. Adults can do that.
Worlds - the correct answer would have been to look her in the eyes and smile all the while grabbing whatever plate you wanted. You were tested and failed. Posted via Mobile Device
Respond to your woman as if her scolding/pouting/drama is just so cute and completely amusing to you.
Extra points to respond as if you are convinced she herself is deliberately being so cute and amusing to woo you or entice you sexually.
You hear :"I just did dishes, use something else"
You reply, with a wink and a smile eyeing her top to bottom: "You're sexy when you try to be all bossy."
THen use whatever plate you wish, either one is fine, test already passed, no resentment lingering on your part.
The second part, your woman telling you exactly as a woman will, actions speak louder than words. As sincere and direct as you were to address the previous incident, in her mind you borderline "whining" about your feelings getting hurt, and this after she did the dishes and fixed dinner.
That why it's best to use few words on these tings, and a missed fitness test, so what? Learn for next time.
If you not liking the tone of her voice, then tease or mock her playfully expressing how silly she was to be acting like your "mommy", or playfully threaten to swat her behind next time she speaks as though she's your "mommy".
Do not volunteer to communicate merely that your feelings are hurt that she speaks to you as a child, do NOT go out of your way to reinforce THAT image in her mind, instead favor communicating the image of her being silly acting like your mommy.
Even as subtle as this balance, to merely ask for respect with words, without the actions, behavior, or even attitude (as projected even in humor similar to above examples) to back up the words, is going to mostly only trigger more fitness tests.
Be bold, be humorous, enjoy the fitness test, and don't fret the misteps, it's all part of the journey.
I told her that was unacceptable (again), and she replied "so you get to be all alpha and I don't? I don't think so".
My response of "That's the way it works" didn't sound all that great. I Know this is going to come up again, suggestions?
If you’ve been discussing/telling your wife about this manning up/alpha process, then that was a wrong move. In this case it seems to have initiated some form of competition/power struggle between the two of you. Plus in your household it seems manning up/alpha has been interpreted as being “domineering” and getting very close to dictating/a dictatorship. It is not about dictating.
Don’t talk about these things, just “be”. Once you talk about them, you’ve lost because it becomes a joke, something to mock or compete with.
This is a bit like Boundaries for Men, your N.U.T.s. You don’t talk about your N.U.T.s. You are your N.U.T.s. See Finding Your N.U.T.S..
You need to bring out the “feminine” in your wife (and sometimes that’s a giggly little girl), by being “masculine”. If in the example you quoted you could have got into chasing her around the home with her laughing and giggling and all the while leading you to the bedroom where she’s “caught”, that’s the kind of result you are looking for.
I think there are times in marriages when one partner tries to dominate the other and because the other partner wont be dominated it becomes a power struggle. A struggle of dominance. Perhaps even between two dictators. It sounds to me like the two of you are in a power struggle. In a sense you are both trying to be Alpha, “Masculine”, the Head of the Household etc. These things go back 1,000s of years, it’s nothing new.
If you really love each other and you want to stay together I think perhaps the very best thing you can do is get yourselves on a marriage enrichment program where you will learn about the structure and dynamics of how to have a happy and successful marriage.
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