My wife and I have been married for a little over a year (Aug 07) and were dating for about 3.5 years before we got married. Recently we've been having problems every single Sunday, guaranteed, and most of that stems from her attitude. Allow me to clarify that, as this isn't a one sided view.
My wife works M-F, 8-4, and we live about 30-40 miles away from her job. When Sunday comes, she is always in a bad mood because she has to wake up early and go to work the next day. Because she is in this bad mood, any single thing will set her off in to an argument.
Last week we had a fight which I considered could be my fault. I work at home and have to do updates on Sunday morning before we go to church. I was doing those updates last week, and was running behind, getting in the shower 5 minutes before we had to leave for church. However, I didn't see this as a problem, as my wife was still in her robe, drying her hair. I got ready five minutes after her, but we were late, so we didn't go. She blamed this on me, since I wasn't ready, however I was ready 5 minutes after her, and we would have been late even if I was ready when she was. I decided to be on time this Sunday, to see if there would be a problem.
Today I got up early to do my work. My wife came in and was sitting in my office with me, and everything seemed fine. I was having some shoulder pain, and asked if she could rub some sports creme between my shoulder blades.
First, a side note on the pain: I've been getting tension headaches for the last two years, which give me a headache, plus neck and shoulder pain. My wife has blamed this on me needing to upgrade my contacts (didn't work), staring at the computer screen all day (part of my job, but headaches come on even without that), working out and getting in shape (I'm not in total shape, but I've seen no difference in a 20 pound weight range), and my posture at the computer (not the best, but I'm tall, and the desk I have now is kind of small, forcing me to lean forward and tuck my knees under the chair, so I can fit them under the desk...next step is a new, taller, desk). Regardless of what I do, her response to the tension headache problem is that it's something I'm doing wrong, and her attitude is non-sympathetic and kind of combative.
So today, I asked if she could rub the sports creme between my shoulders, which kind of helps to ease the pain down. She proceeded to tell me that it was because I was sitting hunched over the computer. I assured her that I woke up with the pain, and that I had only been sitting at the computer for 5 minutes. She proceeded to mock my posture at the computer, then start yelling at me about how it's my fault I have these headaches, and she's not going to do anything unless I take measures to fix it (which I obviously have...doctors also don't know what the source of the problem is). I got mad at the way she was treating me, said "I forgot, it's Sunday, so you have to act like a b**** today" (regrettable choice of words, but I was frustrated because she refused to listen to me and chose to mock me) and that was the end of it. The rest of the morning she didn't speak to me and was in another bad mood.
Some other examples of things that have set her off:
-We both play fantasy football, so we both watch the games. I like watching the Game Mix channel (8 games on 1 screen), but she likes watching one game at a time. I figure the Game Mix channel is a compromise, as I can put the audio on one game of her choice, she can focus on that, and I can watch everything that is going on around. Half way through the first week she got in to a mood, went to the bed room, and when I asked her what was wrong, she said she hated the Game Mix channel. Now we either have to watch one game, or she doesn't watch with me.
-Anytime someone makes her mad (her boss, my mother's comments, getting the wrong order at the drive thru) she gets in a bad mood, and eventually finds something I'm doing wrong and takes her mood out on me.
-Some days she sits in front of her closet saying she has nothing to wear because nothing fits her (yet somehow she always finds something to wear). When I ask her about different clothes, she gets mad at me and starts yelling at me about how she needs to get in shape so her clothes will fit (she's not overweight, but believes she should be the same form as she was in high school...also, I don't know how it is my fault in these situations, but she takes it out on me).
There are other problems too. Our sex life since getting married has been very infrequent (1-2 times max per month). She says she is never in the mood because she hates the way her body looks, and hates that we are out of shape (not obese, but we could each afford to lose about 10 pounds as we are both slightly overweight). I could barely get her to have sex on the honeymoon in Jamaica, and the same is true when we're on vacation.
As for the weight loss, I go running, walking, or bike riding about 3-4 times a week. She gets home later in the evening, and never has any motivation to go. Whenever she asks, I always go, but that is rare. Usually she gets mad at me for never suggesting we go exercise, placing the blame on me, instead of her. I've also taken steps towards being healthier (cutting out soda and drinking only water, orange juice, or milk, eating Lean Cuisine meals for lunch, the exercise, avoiding chips and cookies at the store) but nothing I do gets any recognition.
She also doesn't get along with my mom. They both put up a front of getting along with each other, but my mom is very opinionated (offers an opinion on everything, EX: "thinking about renting a townhouse? you guys should consider buying right now") and my wife is very stubborn (when people tell her something, she takes a silent stance of "Don't tell me how to live"). She refuses to say anything to my mom, but takes it out on me. She also has a blog where she bashes my mom to her friends and family every time my mom makes her mad over something (most recently it was over my mom's comments about a wedding she went to, commenting that she wished we did something that this wedding did...hardly something to get worked up over).
At this point I feel like I'm walking on egg shells with everything I do, just hoping to avoid a fight. I'm always the one who has to go apologize and break the silence, even if I don't think it is my fault. I'm also the one blamed for everything, even if I'm taking steps to correct problems (EX: the weight loss, the headaches). There is no sex life. She constantly bashes my mom. She gets mad at her boss, my mom, and anyone else who makes her upset, and instead of addressing those issues, she takes it out on me by finding an issue with me and releasing her anger.
I'm seriously considering marriage counseling right now, as I'm not sure if we're going to last. Sorry for the long post, but I just wanted to get this out somewhere and get an unbiased opinion.
wow, well i think i can help with wanting an unbiased opinion.
firstly your wife is very tired and the job distance is incredible for the best of us to cope with.
can you not move closer or she find another job.
to be honest its very clear by her manerisms she is very stressed.
ok now for you.
your probs are similar to mine neck, shoulder, only you have different reasoning to the course of mine.
i tell you now, what you have wil never go. but the low computer desk needs to go and you need to have something to your level.
stooping even for short periods can cause lengthy muscular pain.
you have to sit up.
as for the headaches - they could be linked as you have increased stress on your muscles and the stress from your wife.
but i do suggest an eye examination , i dont know, but here in the uk . i pay extra for a back of the eye examination. it looks for any damage.
so when ever i have a change in vision i can have a compare and contrast picture.
here is my suggestion for your back, neck and shoulders.
it sounds like you have a lot of build up of fluid on your muscles - these cause pain and if you touch and press in those areas , they can be extremely painful.
remember and this is also due to your occupation. there is lack of circulation to many of the muscles in these areas and we forget them and they clam up.
this is what i do , but i really think it can help.
these are physio techniques.
every 2 hours and gently but dont over stretch and only do 10 of each.
roll both your shoulders at the same time forward, then 10 back and then lay on the floor - has to be hard.
dont lay flat , but lay down with yours knees bent.without taking your neck of the floor , put your chin to your chest.
these actions pull the muscles you dont use and allow circulation.
try this for a week. a suggestion in conjunction with your self help is a sports massage- they are painful, but they work.
a local college might be cheaper than a private session.
but they are not to be seen as an only means, thats why the self help.
you might try some anti- inflammatory from your GP/doctor.
this might settle the muscles if they are inflamed.
if you can - do a self help for me.
where you have pain in the shoulder , press your finger in.
it should hurt. this hurt is fluid on the muscle.
keep your finger on the area and press harder, this is where the fluid is breaking up within the muscles.
sometimes you have to manipulate your shoulder to increase the pain.
no pain no gain.
just try one area once you feel the pain kinda easing , the fluid is dispersing , but you wil find you wil have increased movement and ease after the dispersion.
the fluid build up does happen over and over with time. but you are very tight .
this is why your problems are long term and why you need to gain control now.
if i have gone on medically im sorry.
only trying to help.
as for the other things i.e sex- i think alot of the probs are related to tired , stressed and self image.
i think for both of you, you should give massaging a go.
you both need it. warm olive oil.
if you do try the massage , when she does you, you need to feel the click of the muscle to know its working on you or she is working on you to lightly. you need deeper massage.
dont swap over in the same night . let her do you one night and you the next.
this way you might also help with her body image and you gain intimacy with eachother.
When Sunday comes, she is always in a bad mood because she has to wake up early and go to work the next day. Because she is in this bad mood, any single thing will set her off in to an argument.
Have you considered leaving on sunday? You could let her know that you are very sorry she is so upset that she has to go to work the next day, but you'd like to enjoy the day and not get in a fight.
Originally Posted by stw632
Regardless of what I do, her response to the tension headache problem is that it's something I'm doing wrong, and her attitude is non-sympathetic and kind of combative.
Have you ever told her you just want sympathy?
Originally Posted by stw632
I assured her that I woke up with the pain, and that I had only been sitting at the computer for 5 minutes.
Why are you trying to convince her she's wrong? dont you think she's initialed to her opinion?
Originally Posted by stw632
She proceeded to mock my posture at the computer, then start yelling at me about how it's my fault I have these headaches, and she's not going to do anything unless I take measures to fix it (which I obviously have...doctors also don't know what the source of the problem is). I got mad at the way she was treating me, said "I forgot, it's Sunday, so you have to act like a b**** today" (regrettable choice of words, but I was frustrated because she refused to listen to me and chose to mock me) and that was the end of it. The rest of the morning she didn't speak to me and was in another bad mood.
You guys have boundary issues. These little stupid fights will get the better of you if you dont learn to remove yourself from her behavior. I know it seems like i should be saying how ridiculous she is and how you should just put your foot down and tell her she's crazy, and then leave. but i've had fights like yours. they're silly, ridiculous, childish, and they involve two people. They dont just start sunday. you have issues all week long that explode on sunday. she's angry, you're angry and you pick at each other in passive aggressive ways.
Something that really helped me get passed these kinds of fights was doing boundary books. i did one on my own and one with my H (after things calmed down and i wasnt so angry). It has really helped me let him be his own person without taking all his mood swings personally. Its also helped me talk to him in a constructive way without being so passive aggressive and angry.
She also has a blog where she bashes my mom to her friends and family every time my mom makes her mad over something
For me personally, I have very clear boundaries with my H when it comes to family. I would never disrespect his in such a way (and his mom has called me every foul word in the book), and if he ever did something like this it would seriously be grounds for divorce.