My wife confided with me last week, that after living together for 10+ years of which 8+ were married that she is into BDSM - the real deal, not just spankings and dirty talk. She also stated that she just can't see me being her "dom" . Honestly, I don't think I'd be really into it anyway, it's not really my thing, so any attempt would prob be halfhearted. Apparently she had an experience before we were married was scared by it but also liked it. The true issue is she buried it from me, bc admittedly I am a rather conservative guy. The problem is compounded by the fact that she has met a guy online who she requested from me to allow to have her "sessions" "Hell no" was the answer. All her friends are online as she stays at home with our 2 y/o.
Our sex life has honestly sucked for most of our married life, partly b/c I was resentful that she let herself go so soon after marriage while I busted my a$$ to stay in shape. However (big however), that changed after our daughter was born 2.5 years ago at which time my shame got the better of me and I accepted her for what she was. However, I think that damage had been done, and she was not very open for sex at all, and never was aggressive for it.
I love my wife, and I would like nothing more than to make our marriage work, but there are three problems:
-She is not certain she can live without BDSM (and I certainly cannot live WITH it, unless it's me)
I am not convinced she is still committed to our marriage. We both have made mistakes, but I am willing to wipe the board clean and try again, but if she is not, am I forced to leave her?
Her behavior has been reckless and selfish for the past few months, and I find the way she is seeking out these people (besides offensive) to be dangerous - do I go for full custody of our child?
Thank god she did accept going to counseling with me, and we start this week, hopefully we can clear up the issues.
She wants to be dominated and you want more sex. There's a way for you both to get what you want.
Also realize that her deep unsatisfied longing for this is setting her sights a little past the target... if you can step up your game (thats its the ultimate hard part) and make her submit she will forget entirely about the leather and whips (though occasionally I could see those being used to help YOU get control of her )
Anyways, my W went crazy when she had her affair, took it much further (by the evidence I found) than she ever would have went with me, and I too wasn't the kind of guy that would dominate her like that. In fact at the low point in my marriage I was pretty much beaten down (metaphorically) and already submissive - if she wanted she could have had her way with me and I probably would have really obeyed and enjoyed. In her fantasy she is going back to BDSM because there is a lot of intensity there and that is what she is craving, go part of the way and I think she'll come to meet you (if ou get far enough).
I think that you should first just keep the communications focused on an issue that would be a deal breaker for many men. She is already attempting to meet men on the internet for relationships that will be highly emotional and sexual. When she began to recognize this interest, she could've shared it with you, even offering to include the weight issue, since you would be her master. This could've been something that was offered in a way to enhance the love life between you two. If you are so conservative that you are not willing to explore her needs sexually, then you two may not have true sexual openness anyway.
I'm suggesting that if the two of you were to approach this together, you may be able to meet her needs without crossing over into a boundary that you are uncomfortable with. She could've focused on your dominance in the sexual relationship, and maybe found a happy medium to fulfill these urges. The question is why she bypassed all of that?
Also realize that her deep unsatisfied longing for this is setting her sights a little past the target... if you can step up your game (that is the ultimate hard part) and make her submit she will forget entirely about the leather and whips...
I agree. Many women who crave BDSM really want the emotional/sexual experience of being dominated. They enter the BDSM scene because it seems closest to what they need, but often they find it doesn't satisfy them as they expect. It's not about the toys or the playacting after all.
One caveat about the Taken in Hand site: Like this forum, it's a site whose users have many opinions and personal styles. You'll probably run across some posts that provoke knee-jerk responses in you. If you're willing to look past them, you will find information that is useful to you!
The site owner's introductory material is the best place to start.
I agree with the above. Don't take your wife at face value that she is into BDSM and therefore somehow defective. Think of her as a normal woman. A normal woman is a sexual woman. What happens to a sexual woman who suppresses sexual desire for 10 years? Her thoughts became more and more extreme to the point of where she is now, wanting BDSM with random strangers online. What you have to focus on his how do you sexually satisfy a normal woman.
Read up on it like Big Bad said. Check out some Christian Domestic Discpline too. Give her a taste and see how much she really wants to be dommed. When you get home and things aren't squared away let her know what will be coming her way in a bit. Let her think about it then after awhile take her in the bedroom close the door and lock it and put her over your knee with a wooden spoon. She'll either respond by being turned on and giving herself to you or decide differently about what she wants. Either way you'll get some resolution. Good luck bro. PS. Turn off internet access as your the master.
marriage is a give and take and the both of you need to comprimise at some level. For some reason your wife needs to be dominated so dominate. This doesn't always have to be in the bed room, take control of your marriage and show her you can be the man that dominates, a confident man that is stronge enough to take control of his family and protect it from outside/unhealthy influences.
You are losing respect from her more and more ...every time you give in to her she takes a little more away.
Please stand up and stop tolorating her unhealthy behavior, and if she does listen to you then reward her with some roll playing.
Its hard work to make a marriage work, so do the heavy lifting required to meet your wifes need, If my experience is correct she will meet yours.
Its a balancing act...being firm, but caring.
Odd thing is, I have a wife who doesn't like to be dominated in bed and thats I want to do, but sometime I just have to meet her needs and kiss her, be gentel, and slow.
Todays my B-day I'm looking forward to to some hardcore to day, it will be fun for me but not for her. I understand this so tonight I will make up for it and be gentel and slow. If I'm luck we'll go at it a third time and I'l let her be the dom.