Am I blind? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 4 (permalink) Old 07-26-2011, 06:18 AM Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
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Am I blind?

My story starts 2 years ago.

First a description of my family. We have been married 9 years and have 2 sons. He is in the military and his current job takes him away for 8 months out of the year. We have done this for the last 4 years with another 4 ahead of us.

Two years ago I discovered my husband having an affair. I called him when he was with her and he admitted it. Once he returned back from his trip we talked and he went to see a therapist with me a few times. I figured that I had a handle on his infidelty, but really it manifested me into a suspcious wife. So for the last 2 years, I checked his email and phone as he let me at first to reassure me. Then it changed and he started talking outside, deleting things on his phone etc. he said because he didnt want to argue...Now I kept a journal and recently went back and read it and I shocked myself. I was acting just like he was accusing me but I couldnt see it. He recently returned from yet another trip and I started in again. But this time I had chat records of him and a co-worker. He maintains they are just friends and that he can talk to her. He was pursuing her and even kissed her, but wouldnt admit it to me. He got so angry when I asked him to please stop talking to her so that we can figure this out that he kind of chose her over his family. Anyway, two weeks have passed and we saw the therapist yesterday as a couple. Separation was brought up because that is all he keeps talking about, so I was forced into accepting it. We have already spent so much time apart, honestly is there some grounds on which this will work out towards bringing our family together or a cowards way of leaving.
Sorry it is so long. I would appreciate honest answers from men who have cheated on their wives, stopped and then found a friend that they were "constantly thinking about". Am I being naive?
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post #2 of 4 (permalink) Old 07-26-2011, 06:38 AM
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Re: Am I blind?

Don't get separated without talking to an attorney first, one who is familiar with military benefits. You are at the 9 year point in marriage and if he has been military that entire time, another year will secure you retirement benefits.

If he's already cheated you out of a solid secure marriage, don't let him cheat you out of the benefits of that marriage. He's not a coward, he's selfish. And he knows it and he knows that if you have half his retirement benefits and he's known as a cheater, life is going to be lonely and miserable for him when it's time to pay the piper. A player generally needs either studliness or cash to play. As a man ages, the studliness disappears, as has his married good guy with nitpicking wife image.

As for the rest, he knows what you will accept. It seems to be a lot. Another year will put some cash in your pocket. Dig in your heels and drag it out would be my advice. You only have to put up with him 1 out of every 4 days on average. So for 90 days, you'll get half retirement benefits.

Separation. More like a bite in the a** if you ask me. He probably knows very well what he's doing long-term financially for himself, while keeping YOU concerned with 'saving the marriage'.

If you're wrong, well, by dragging it out, you're still married. Separation is a crock, he's gone 8 months out of the year anyway.
Instead of separating, wait for the next deployment or away assignment. Then voila you're separated. Same as before only this time you know about it, and you still retain the benefits of marriage in terms of financial security.
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post #3 of 4 (permalink) Old 07-26-2011, 06:54 AM Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
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Re: Am I blind?

Its not about the money. I am retired myself, just did last year. A decision we made so that I could be home with our two young sons. Since he is gone so much, they needed one stable parent. I know this is difficult, but I guess I am looking for the clues that seal the deal.
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post #4 of 4 (permalink) Old 07-26-2011, 07:04 AM
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Re: Am I blind?

I don't know. For HIM it could be about the money. If it is, that is a clue. For you, it is something you are not worried about. Doesn't mean that he isn't, as it seems he is very good at hiding what is important to him, from you.
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