Yes, it's in the title, but it seems like everyone just took it like spying is a normal thing to do in a relationship, and not a HUGE issue. There isn't even anything that really makes it an EA. (Maybe ALMOST an EA, which is what? Talking to coworkers about private/marriage stuff?) Just a really insecure husband who doesn't want his wife to work with men.
Huge problems in the relationship, yes. Maybe she is behaving inappropriately, but so is he. Just a huge ICK all around.
I completely agree with SunnyT on this.
You're upset with her because she's unhappy with your marriage, LYING about it, and talking to others about the situation.
You're in a forum, talking about how you're unhappy with your relationship, spying on your wife, and LYING to her about it.
You don't want to tell her that you've been spying because you know that she'll react badly.
Did you ever think that maybe she doesn't talk to you about how she's feeling for the same reason? Especially considering your first response to problems is to bug your wife. That's pretty extreme and also unsettling honestly. Do you not see the double standard here?
On top of which, I agree that you really haven't found any evidence that is too terrible. I don't disagree that she should be talking to you about these problems instead of other people, but I definitely think that unless she does something more inappropriate than what's been going on so far, you're going to regret this.
I can't confront her cause then i will loose my advantage. I will turn out to be the bad guy.
First of all, your marriage is not a game. If your goal is to always be one up on your wife, both of you are going to lose. Second of all, you can obviously see that you're going to be the bad guy in this situation, so stop while you can before it gets any worse.
You can't keep your wife locked away in a little cupboard, away from the opposite sex. If she's going to cheat on you, you can't control her. All you can control is your reaction. All of the stress and worrying can't be healthy for you, not to mention your marriage.
Even though I don't condone lying to your spouse, I highly doubt you're going to be willing to admit that you've been spying on her to such extremes. However, I do think that at the very least you need to find some way to talk to her about BOTH of your issues and probably get some marriage counseling before you're reduced to following 10 paces behind her in a trench coat and sunglasses.