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Old 07-26-2011, 11:33 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Default Re: I spy on my wife an i need an advice

Jackyl, if you don't have kids and it sounds like she has a good job, make a break for it and lawyer up. You'll never be able to keep all that inside and when you do finally blow up it won't be worth it. The more negative things you find through your intel the deeper the hurt and resentment until it will be impossible to forgive or forget. Run while the getting is good, there are plenty more less painful fish in the sea my brother.
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Old 07-26-2011, 12:08 PM   #17 (permalink)
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If I were you, I'd stop working on having kids for now. You've caught her lying about serious issues between you two. Serious lack of respect. Also, consider that she seems to be completely disregarding your feelings on her work situation. Are things out of her control? Most likely. She may not be able to choose who she works with, most if us can't. But she is choosing to be friendly ( sounds like flirting) with her coworkers while lying to you about it. Those are red flags in the infidelity board
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Old 07-26-2011, 12:55 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Default Re: I spy on my wife an i need an advice

Why isn't anyone saying that if he has to spy on his wife then their marriage is crap????

She isn't doing anything awful....talking about the marriage to someone else, but not even saying anything derogatory. So ya, she should handle her marriage concerns differently.... but for all the spying, that's all you got???

Get a divorce. Why bother trying to "save" this?
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Old 07-26-2011, 01:03 PM   #19 (permalink)
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True that no one mentioned the spying until now. Also, no one mentioned that emotional affairs (which she is already having) can be just as damaging as physical affairs, and can lead to them.
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Old 07-26-2011, 01:11 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ManDup View Post
True that no one mentioned the spying until now.
It's in the thread title.
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Old 07-26-2011, 02:06 PM   #21 (permalink)
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Yes, it's in the title, but it seems like everyone just took it like spying is a normal thing to do in a relationship, and not a HUGE issue. There isn't even anything that really makes it an EA. (Maybe ALMOST an EA, which is what? Talking to coworkers about private/marriage stuff?) Just a really insecure husband who doesn't want his wife to work with men.

Huge problems in the relationship, yes. Maybe she is behaving inappropriately, but so is he. Just a huge ICK all around.
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Old 07-26-2011, 03:54 PM   #22 (permalink)
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Yes, it's in the title, but it seems like everyone just took it like spying is a normal thing to do in a relationship, and not a HUGE issue. There isn't even anything that really makes it an EA. (Maybe ALMOST an EA, which is what? Talking to coworkers about private/marriage stuff?) Just a really insecure husband who doesn't want his wife to work with men.

Huge problems in the relationship, yes. Maybe she is behaving inappropriately, but so is he. Just a huge ICK all around.
I completely agree with SunnyT on this.

You're upset with her because she's unhappy with your marriage, LYING about it, and talking to others about the situation.

You're in a forum, talking about how you're unhappy with your relationship, spying on your wife, and LYING to her about it.

You don't want to tell her that you've been spying because you know that she'll react badly.

Did you ever think that maybe she doesn't talk to you about how she's feeling for the same reason? Especially considering your first response to problems is to bug your wife. That's pretty extreme and also unsettling honestly. Do you not see the double standard here?

On top of which, I agree that you really haven't found any evidence that is too terrible. I don't disagree that she should be talking to you about these problems instead of other people, but I definitely think that unless she does something more inappropriate than what's been going on so far, you're going to regret this.

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I can't confront her cause then i will loose my advantage. I will turn out to be the bad guy.
First of all, your marriage is not a game. If your goal is to always be one up on your wife, both of you are going to lose. Second of all, you can obviously see that you're going to be the bad guy in this situation, so stop while you can before it gets any worse.

You can't keep your wife locked away in a little cupboard, away from the opposite sex. If she's going to cheat on you, you can't control her. All you can control is your reaction. All of the stress and worrying can't be healthy for you, not to mention your marriage.

Even though I don't condone lying to your spouse, I highly doubt you're going to be willing to admit that you've been spying on her to such extremes. However, I do think that at the very least you need to find some way to talk to her about BOTH of your issues and probably get some marriage counseling before you're reduced to following 10 paces behind her in a trench coat and sunglasses.
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Old 07-26-2011, 11:53 PM   #23 (permalink)
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I think Sunny T and Lea2407 have valid points.

You've only been married 18 months and you are spying on her. Where do you go from here? Now that you have started, you can't stop yourself. You are obsessed with tracking her every word, looking for the "GOTCHA!"

Your marriage is on a path to destruction and here's why: YOU DON'T TRUST HER! How can you freely love someone who is giving you an ulcer? I would certainly NOT tell her that you've been spying on her. Then neither one of you will trust each other.

Why not suggest some time apart and see what she says? (A long guys weekend perhaps?) I think you both need a break from each other. You need to clear your head.
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Old 07-27-2011, 01:03 AM   #24 (permalink)
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I don't think you need to clear your heads, I think you need serious marriage counseling to figure out why you don't trust each other to the point of spying, why she feels the need to take a break from you now and then -- and why she's compelled to tell other men about this privately. Further, why you'd be attempting to have a child to bring into a marriage in this much trouble and neither of you sees the problem with that (please don't have a child under these conditions).

Get yourself to MC, and get the dialogue going about the state of your marriage on BOTH your parts. It's headed to a bad end on its current path.

P.S. But although I'd use what you know to get the discussion moving, I would not tell her HOW you know...
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Old 07-27-2011, 03:11 AM   #25 (permalink)
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First i'd like to thank you all for sharing your thoughts.
I love my wife. She has a great personality, she is funny, smart, sexy and we love each other dearly.
Trust is not something that falls from the sky - it is a process.
Building trust is very difficult but damaging it is very simple.
As i wrote and i write it again - i don't trust my wife because i have found her lying in several occasions about issues that i consider shady.

I always told my wife:
"When i'm with other women at work i act as if you are next to me. I never flirt, i never reveal personl information, i'm not over friendly."
I expect her to do the same.

I mean lets be honest here - wouldn't all of you like to know what your partner is really doing or saying when he/she is not with you ?
Wouldn't all of you like to know with whom you realy go to bed at night ?
I have a friend that after 7 years of marriage found out that his wife was having an affair for almost a year behind his back.
I say, with all love & respect we have for one another we always need to keep an eye open.
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Old 07-27-2011, 08:08 AM   #26 (permalink)
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wouldn't all of you like to know what your partner is really doing or saying when he/she is not with you ?
She calls me up and tells me all the time, even when I don't really care.

Quote:
Wouldn't all of you like to know with whom you realy go to bed at night ?
Yes, the one woman who has my trust.

It seems however, that your marriage lacks this, and personally, I would walk.

Trust is vital for me, if it's not there, there's no love possible, I have a habit of hardening my heart whenever I want to - a mental conditioning from years on the street, to protect myself from my own stupidity such as lovey dovey crap.

My wife is the only woman who was able to earn it, and the only one I could possibly even think about marrying. All other women I played them and hurt them. I wouldn't even bother with someone who isn't exactly safe hands to invest my heart into.

Your wife has to understand this, and her continuing to lie to you is just damaging your relationship again and again. If she won't make an effort to earn your trust, forget it. I would walk.
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Old 07-27-2011, 10:13 AM   #27 (permalink)
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I do think the bugging is super paranoid crazy. He has reason to doubt though because she has cheated on him in the past he said.

Definitely don't plan to have kids right now unless you get this matter resolved.

I agree with RD -- if you don't trust her, you will never have a good relationship.
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Old 07-27-2011, 10:51 AM   #28 (permalink)
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Default Re: I spy on my wife an i need an advice

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Originally Posted by SunnyT View Post
Why isn't anyone saying that if he has to spy on his wife then their marriage is crap????

She isn't doing anything awful....talking about the marriage to someone else, but not even saying anything derogatory. So ya, she should handle her marriage concerns differently.... but for all the spying, that's all you got???

Get a divorce. Why bother trying to "save" this?
Totally agree. This guys insecurities are overwhelming him and most likely based on his lack of respect for his own partners before his wife. I don't see the wife's convo as an emotional affair or even the beginnings of one if that's all he's lifted off of bugging her 24/7. I see a woman who is frustrated with being in a relationship with a possessive, insecure guy.
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Old 07-27-2011, 01:50 PM   #29 (permalink)
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Default Re: I spy on my wife an i need an advice

He has reason to doubt though because she has cheated on him in the past he said.

No, he said she did some stuff, not quite cheating but almost. Whatever that means.

If I found out my h was secretly recording me... I'd just leave. No fight, no discussion... I'd never speak another word to him and just be gone.
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Old 07-27-2011, 04:35 PM   #30 (permalink)
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Default Re: I spy on my wife an i need an advice

Am I missing something here?

Since when is it proper for a married woman to share her marital problems with another man other than her husband not considered a danger signal?

dr.jackyl you need to be honest with your wife and let her know that her lying has caused you to lose trust in her and unless the two of you resolve this issue to the satisfaction of both, the marriage has its days numbered.

Why wait for the smoking gun? Nip the trust issues NOW before it is too late.
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