"I don't like you second-guessing me on home repairs. I'm a capable man."
I have heard words similar to this once before. It worked. I was taken aback when he'd said it. I apologized because I didn't realize I was making him feel that way.
My H and I tend to be self-sufficient without involving others but this was a fairly important matter. In my wanting to make sure we were covered/getting it right, I overlooked the amount of research he'd done and his savvy with the scenario. There's nothing wrong with asking for help when needed but if you want her to realize how it makes you feel - that type of sentence from ManDup is direct and sure to impact. There is a chance she could turn petty with it and try to start an argument but if you remain calm and keep your ego in check, it doesn't need to escalate.
As I continue soul searching the many reasons why my marriage and sex life is lacking, I just realized that my wife may not respect me as a “Man”.
The other day my power inverter took a dive and I was researching the internet on why and looking for possible fixes. I determined that I needed to buy a new one. My wife immediately stated we should call _____ a Male friend. I asked her why and she said because he is good at fixing things. He is not an electrician by any means. It donned on me right there that she does this all the time. A few weeks ago the dryer stopped working and she immediately stated she should call her brother. I told her that I have not even looked at it yet. I got on the internet got directions on how to take it apart so that I could look at the belt and determined that it was fine. I told her we would have to call a repairman. After getting estimates she still insisted on calling her brother and my male friend to get there advise prior to setting up an appointment.
Yeah, my wife believes the guy with no teeth at the garage over me regarding the condition and maintenance needs of her car. She designated him "professional" to my whatever status and his word rules. She wants to believe him over me so badly that she's completely oblivious to his trying to rip her off. So I took off her front rotors and had them turned, which made the pedal action a little smoother, and I replaced the transmission fluid even though the filler cap said no replacement is needed for this vehicle. And what did I get for this? Nothing but bad treatment. So this was probably the last thing I do for her for a while
Well, my question would be have you actually earned any respect for your previous 'fix it' capabilities?
For example, I have a good friend who has kind of a "bumbling" husband. He insists on trying to take care of everything related to the house or cars, even if he is not capable of it. As a result, they have a bathroom that has been torn apart and not put back together for over two years, and various other projects that are in various states of completion. My friend is pretty resentful and has little respect for him or his capabilities because of this. That is not the way to earn respect as the man of the house.
The man of the house needs to calmly and confidently take control of the situation (even if that means knowing when to call a repairman instead of doing it yourself). It is a great feeling when a wife knows that she can count on her man to be responsible enough to handle these kinds of situations - and there's nothing more attractive than that.
Hire a cook and a housekeeper to get that job done right. Better yet, call a real woman, her mom.
While she's home, don't ask her how to cook something (popcorn in the stove in a pot) call her mom and ask when you know darn well your wife knows how to. My H did this to me and it shut me up real quick.
I sometimes find myself as the one guys call for a little guidance on repairs. I'm not an expert, just a tad obsessed about all things mechanical and structural. Thing is, I'm quick to ask for advice on a new project. I do understand your frustration with your wife, though. Fortunately, my FIL had no idea what went on behind the covers of his appliances, or within his car, so my wife had no comparison.
There is an element of this that all of us have to be careful about, though. I was helping my neighbor with changing the rotted floor of his bathroom, which was damaged from years of leaky pipes, and even though he asked me to help (I've remodelled two homes), he was so intimidated by my presence that his wife began to question him even more.
The others have given great advice on how to talk to her about this, in my opinion, but be careful to accept that earning her confidence takes time. Knowing when to say Uncle can make her respect you more, also.
I think it is far more likely that she has no idea that this is hurtful. Early in my marriage, when I let her know that repairmen weren't needed in each and every situation, and that her questioning damaged my calm, you could've heard a pin drop. She had no idea. Just like I had no idea that she didn't want an honest answer when she asked me if it bothered me if she talked while I drank my morning coffee.
As I continue soul searching the many reasons why my marriage and sex life is lacking, I just realized that my wife may not respect me as a “Man”.
The other day my power inverter took a dive and I was researching the internet on why and looking for possible fixes. I determined that I needed to buy a new one. My wife immediately stated we should call _____ a Male friend. I asked her why and she said because he is good at fixing things. He is not an electrician by any means. It donned on me right there that she does this all the time. A few weeks ago the dryer stopped working and she immediately stated she should call her brother. I told her that I have not even looked at it yet. I got on the internet got directions on how to take it apart so that I could look at the belt and determined that it was fine. I told her we would have to call a repairman. After getting estimates she still insisted on calling her brother and my male friend to get there advise prior to setting up an appointment.
Why were you asking her? Just handle it. If she wants to be disrespectful and call other people then let her do it. Do not acknowledge it. Just tell her it is handled. You call the repair man. You take care of it. Do not allow her to bring in someone else. Do not play along with it at all.
This is probably a sh!t test.
And you are right. This is a respect issue. Personally I would be direct and firm with my wife and with a smile, turn to her and tell her that I feel she is being disrespectful and I will handle this. That I don't appreciate her calling in another male ( yes I would say male to her, to make my point ) to deal with this. If and when I needed help I would most certainly ask for it.
"That was very disrespectful of you to double-check my opinions on this. Why did you do that?"
"I don't like you second-guessing me on home repairs. I'm a capable man."
For starters. Sounds like you are afraid of these mini-conflicts. Don't be. They save much larger conflicts in the future, and the allow her to fine-tune her behavior. If you're afraid a bigger fight will ensue, you should do it anyway and calmly tell her that it is unacceptable to bring up her grievances in the middle of a conversation about one of your grievances. Tell her you need to be heard and resolve this first and then you will get back to her problems. Take some leadership in the conflict resolution. You can find resources for that, too, on the internet.
Well, my question would be have you actually earned any respect for your previous 'fix it' capabilities?
For example, I have a good friend who has kind of a "bumbling" husband. He insists on trying to take care of everything related to the house or cars, even if he is not capable of it. As a result, they have a bathroom that has been torn apart and not put back together for over two years, and various other projects that are in various states of completion. My friend is pretty resentful and has little respect for him or his capabilities because of this. That is not the way to earn respect as the man of the house.
The man of the house needs to calmly and confidently take control of the situation (even if that means knowing when to call a repairman instead of doing it yourself). It is a great feeling when a wife knows that she can count on her man to be responsible enough to handle these kinds of situations - and there's nothing more attractive than that.
Absolutely right. Even in the rare case that I bumble (like the other day, a major one, I drilled into the gas line thinking it was a stud behind the wall - hey that's what the studfinder said ), I calmly call in the professionals when it's over my head. Leaving things undone is a cardinal sin of diy'ers.
Re: Lack of respect, for Man of the house? 
), I calmly call in the professionals when it's over my head. Leaving things undone is a cardinal sin of diy'ers.
