As I continue soul searching the many reasons why my marriage and sex life is lacking, I just realized that my wife may not respect me as a “Man”.
The other day my power inverter took a dive and I was researching the internet on why and looking for possible fixes. I determined that I needed to buy a new one. My wife immediately stated we should call _____ a Male friend. I asked her why and she said because he is good at fixing things. He is not an electrician by any means. It donned on me right there that she does this all the time. A few weeks ago the dryer stopped working and she immediately stated she should call her brother. I told her that I have not even looked at it yet. I got on the internet got directions on how to take it apart so that I could look at the belt and determined that it was fine. I told her we would have to call a repairman. After getting estimates she still insisted on calling her brother and my male friend to get there advise prior to setting up an appointment.
WOW, this hits close to home for me as I do this to my H all the time, except my dad is the MAN that I go to when there is a need that H isn't meeting.
You ought to read my post about Backing down from being Alpha Female - it's in the Ladies' Lounge.
Now we're separated for a bit, and I'm trying to do some soul searching of my own to figure out how to back down and let him be the man of the house, and praying that if I can succeed that things will get better, because this must be 95% of our problem... :/ a sad revelation, but it's better than none at all.
frustrated, I've been in your situation too. In my case she would always just call her dad who is a handyman. I now realize that "taking care of business" doesn't have to mean doing it all myself, if I were you I'd call upon your BIL or your friend first and get them to take care of the problem (buy them a case of beer) so that all your W knows is that the power inverter and dryer is working because you "took care of it".
Or if she really wants to be the project manager on this let her take care of it and give her the credit - do not criticize at all, just let her run the show, use your energy on something else useful instead!
How is the friend and brothers records for fixing things. Can they jump right in there and have it up and running. If they can she may suggest them to save time and money. Why wait for a repair guy, and pay him when bro. can fix it sooner, and for free.
My H is the one everyone calls to fix their broke stuff. If my H couldn't fix something I wouldn't loose respect for him.
The point I'm trying to make is that she immediately calls on other males before allowing her male any input or decision making. In the case of the dryer both of the other males told her that what your husband did was right, but she needed their opinion before she would respect my opinion.
Frustated, I do the same friggin thing. Im so sorry.
During the past bits of time Ive had to myself I've done a lot of self-reflecting on the past and my behavior, and on 99% of our problems it comes back to I haven't given him enough credit and not nearly enough respect, and it has caused a great upheaval. The guilt is consuming me like a cruel scavenger.
As I continue soul searching the many reasons why my marriage and sex life is lacking, I just realized that my wife may not respect me as a “Man”.
Maybe she doesn't want you playing with electrical stuff because she isn't convinced you won't kill yourself. Electrics have a habit of biting back unless you know what you're doing.
Respect doesn't come as part of the job. You earn it. Find something you CAN do. Insist YOU do that. Do it right, and know your limitations. She probably won't respect you if you fry yourself, and if you don't fix it right and SHE gets a belt, lack of respect will be the least of your problems!
"That was very disrespectful of you to double-check my opinions on this. Why did you do that?"
"I don't like you second-guessing me on home repairs. I'm a capable man."
For starters. Sounds like you are afraid of these mini-conflicts. Don't be. They save much larger conflicts in the future, and the allow her to fine-tune her behavior. If you're afraid a bigger fight will ensue, you should do it anyway and calmly tell her that it is unacceptable to bring up her grievances in the middle of a conversation about one of your grievances. Tell her you need to be heard and resolve this first and then you will get back to her problems. Take some leadership in the conflict resolution. You can find resources for that, too, on the internet.
The point I'm trying to make is that she immediately calls on other males before allowing her male any input or decision making. In the case of the dryer both of the other males told her that what your husband did was right, but she needed their opinion before she would respect my opinion.
Oh, that clarifies a bit more your frustration in all this. In my case I was always much too patient for my W so even though I had every intention of fixing things and sometimes was actually able to follow through, eventually things started to pile up, especially after being broken by the pressures of life and a marriage that was going off track. So my track record eventually convinced her to not have any trust in my ability to get things done when they needed to be.
I guess what I was alluding to is that if she is going to call in other males anyway, maybe you should just go ahead and call them first before she does?
As I continue soul searching the many reasons why my marriage and sex life is lacking, I just realized that my wife may not respect me as a “Man”.
The other day my power inverter took a dive and I was researching the internet on why and looking for possible fixes. I determined that I needed to buy a new one. My wife immediately stated we should call _____ a Male friend. I asked her why and she said because he is good at fixing things. He is not an electrician by any means. It donned on me right there that she does this all the time. A few weeks ago the dryer stopped working and she immediately stated she should call her brother. I told her that I have not even looked at it yet. I got on the internet got directions on how to take it apart so that I could look at the belt and determined that it was fine. I told her we would have to call a repairman. After getting estimates she still insisted on calling her brother and my male friend to get there advise prior to setting up an appointment.
I think if you respect yourself, it will follow that others will respect you as well. Part of getting this self-respect is by the creation of healthy personal boundaries and then learning how to defend those boundaries.
For boundaries take a look at Finding Your N.U.T.S.. In essence, once you know which personal boundaries you will never compromise then you will know who you are at your very core. You will know what it is you value about yourself.
And now we need to know how we defend our values. One of your values has been “trashed” by your wife. You place a value on the fact that you can fix things, your wife has trashed that and subsequently hurt your ego, saying that she has no respect for you.
But how do you respond? How do you defend your ego? Take a look at Defence Mechanisms: Manning Up!. You will see that you have at least 15 ways of defending your ego, of defending your personal boundaries. These vary from primitive to mature defence mechanisms, obviously it’s best to be practicing and working at the mature end of the spectrum.
I actually like humour (13: Sublimation) as a defence mechanism. So in this instance “Hey next time I want to take a leak I’ll call Fred and ask him how to do it” might work.
But how do we know when a personal boundary has been breached? This is when we’ve let a person “get inside us” or “under our skin”. And we know that’s happened when we’re having an emotional response. Typically it’s anger, and anger can rise exceedingly quickly in a man. So next time you feel your anger rising you will know that a personal boundary has been breached. And when you feel that anger the very first thing to do is to put a smile on your face and try and create a humorous response.
[QUOTE=AFEH;386109]I think if you respect yourself, it will follow that others will respect you as well. Part of getting this self-respect is by the creation of healthy personal boundaries and then learning how to defend those boundaries.
For boundaries take a look at Finding Your N.U.T.S.. In essence, once you know which personal boundaries you will never compromise then you will know who you are at your very core. You will know what it is you value about yourself.
And now we need to know how we defend our values. One of your values has been “trashed” by your wife. You place a value on the fact that you can fix things, your wife has trashed that and subsequently hurt your ego, saying that she has no respect for you.
But how do you respond? How do you defend your ego? Take a look at Defence Mechanisms: Manning Up!. You will see that you have at least 15 ways of defending your ego, of defending your personal boundaries. These vary from primitive to mature defence mechanisms, obviously it’s best to be practicing and working at the mature end of the spectrum.
I actually like humour (13: Sublimation) as a defence mechanism. So in this instance “Hey next time I want to take a leak I’ll call Fred and ask him how to do it” might work.
But how do we know when a personal boundary has been breached? This is when we’ve let a person “get inside us” or “under our skin”. And we know that’s happened when we’re having an emotional response. Typically it’s anger, and anger can rise exceedingly quickly in a man. So next time you feel your anger rising you will know that a personal boundary has been breached. And when you feel that anger the very first thing to do is to put a smile on your face and try and create a humorous response.
[ Thanks, AFEH you get where I'm coming from and yes the last time this type of thing happened the anger was rising]
Alternatively you could of course always put a devious smile on your face, play the big bad monster, get her to run away from you and when she lets you catch her put her over your knee, give her a slap on the bum and tell her to get on with her girlie things. That’s my favourite.
Runs what can I say that has not already been said. A simple thanks will do for now; some of your comments are priceless.
I think women don't realize what they are doing when they don't step back and let the man of the house handle fixing stuff. Men seem to get an almost primal satisfaction from fixing things or determining when to call in a professional. We women don't want them to fix us so they have to put their fix-it energy somewhere.
My FIL was a construction worker and my husband is a frustrated construction worker. I really suffer in silence when he takes on a project. I know he can do it and more expertly than a hired hand but I am afraid he will get injured because he does not do those things frequently enough. I don't say a word, just pray silently. if I said anything I think I would sound like his mother. Posted via Mobile Device
Lack of respect, for Man of the house? 
Im so sorry. 
