Enchantment

I don't know. I was just trying to imagine being in his shoes. I am assuming that he hasn't always been like this and has gotten worse as time has gone on. Is that true?

His statement about why he's never told anything made me think that he might feel like he's marginalized or ignored.

Another way to handle it might have been to say, "Thanks" and then say to your daughter "Let Dad know how much you feel like you want to eat." taking yourself out of the equation altogether.

I'm not sure how to handle someone that always seems so unreasonable, except by trying to maintain your reason and your calm and your confidence as much as possible.

I know that you guys are in some kind of family counseling - are you in marriage counseling as well? Does he even acknowledge that his words and his actions are causing stress in your marriage?

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Enter these enchanted woods, You who dare. ~ George Meredith

that_girl

Sounds familiar.

I have learned to just let my husband do what he does. I don't try to tell him how or what or why to do it. With the kids, he does things differently and I don't say a word now.

He's much happier. He felt controlled or that nothing he did was smart enough or good enough. However, he is enough

lisa3girls

It has gotten worse, and I know he 'feels' marginalized and ignored, but honestly, the more I try to address it the worse it gets. He isn't ignored, I ask his input on everything, and most times we don what HE wants... but I refuse to always give in to his way just to make him feel less 'ignored'. I have already agreed to sell her horse, pay off the credit card debt, buy the condo HE wants, gave away my cat etc. ALL that and still, not one change in his feelings.

His idea of not being ignored is apparently for everything to be his way on every issue, sorry that is not happening.

My teenager has a counselor, we have not really gone for us.

lisa3girls

But I live in a minefield... we were packing stuff yesterday, and I picked up my daughters cloth clarinet case. It smelled bad and I suspected the cat had peed on it. He was in the room with me (and he has a much better sense of smell) and I asked him if he thought so too. So I said I'd throw it out. He starts going off on me about the cat (which I already gave away because honestly I couldn't take another minute of fighting about the cat)-- EVERYONE else in the house is devestated about the loss of the family pet and he cannot just shut up and let it go.... how do I now get mad and upset living like this with constant word battles. I mean what is the point of berating me about a cat I already gave away??

alphaomega

50! When I'm 50, I'm going to embrace that party, have all my friends over, and get tanked! I'll embrace those homemade cards! Stick them on the fridge! Play loud music and enjoy the day!

It's too bad sometimes we tend to let the bitterness overwhelm us. Been there! Done that! Too much to enjoy to let that happen again.
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lisa3girls

This is exactly it...he is so angry and bitter, he isn't even the guy I knew anymore... it is killing things between us and somehow he doesn't see himself having any part in it.

Ten_year_hubby

50 can be really tough and your man seems to be a mess over it. Start by not worrying. If your purpose is to be loving you're in the clear and whatever he says or feels is his problem. Personally, I think there is someone inside that really wants all the things you want him to have and you want to do for him but somehow other concerns (his alone to know) keeps the loving guy inside from coming out.

lisa3girls

I hope you are right ten year hubby... I worry that in the meantime, he is destroying our ability to connect.... most days I dread going home to the nagging and moaning and pissy attitude.

that_girl

Hm. That is peculiar.

Is he doing drugs? I mean, I would suspect that but that's because I used to do some drugs and hung out with druggies. lol.

He does sound depressed. Maybe he doesn't like his life right now so he's taking it out on you

Ten_year_hubby

Yeah, this is not cool. The best thing you can do is disconnect your feelings from his disposition, keep a positive or at least neutral disposition yourself and let him go though whatever it is that's raining on him day and night. You've been married long enough that a little less connecting won't cause any damage. If you stay positive, he'll snap out of it.

lisa3girls

I mean geesh, he is like a dog with a bone about certain things. It is like a power thing... like he is going to make me miserable about X or Y until I comply and even then he is going to keep on it. I have told him how much I hate it, but nothing changes.

Halien

I've seen men who are generally pessimistic, and middle age seems to only make it worse, becoming sour. I wonder if this is just more recent, and even he couldn't really explain what's going on in his mind.

I sometimes just find myself in an irritable mood in certain situations. Rarely lasts more than a few hours, and I try to apologize when I realize what is going on. Doesn't happen much, but it really impacts my wife. An important part of this is that I wish my wife could understand is that she isn't the cause of it, and she is learning just to let it go, until I finally kick the lawnmower and feel better.

When I realize how I was behaving, my upbringing leads me to go to her and ask for her forgiveness. I can imagine that if your husband doesn't just clear the air and apologize, he can get caught up in a vicious cycle. Maybe he even tries to justify his behavior by linking it to something you did.

Somehow, he has to find a way to see this irritation coming, and respond to it. All you can do is to make it easy for him to do this with disarming comments, like, "I know you didn't mean to hurt me, but it makes me feel like ... (fill in the blank). I want you to be happy."

I've learned to just mentally turn frustrating events into an opportunity to have fun. If packing for a vacation leads to frustration because she seems to be taking everything we own, I'll turn it into a game. Of course, it frustrates her when she's packing and leaves the room, only to find that I put the old lightweight kitchen sink on top of her suitcase when she returns. That one never gets old.

Runs like Dog

So I was dog sitting for a week and low and behold this normally super high maintenance hound got into something got sick and crapped all over the house for 3 days. Despite my entreaties to take her to the vet I got a week of people complaining about the efficiency with which I cleaned up dog crap. The owner returned and told be 'she's fine'. He took her home and called me twice after midnight freaking out that the dog was crapping on his floor now and why didn't I bring her to the vet (already asked and and told not to do it). So now he's got to bring her to his vet and deal with it.

That's kind of how I feel about all of this. Stop nano-managing me and then flipping out when it turns out exactly as you demanded. Dog's not going to die, but it's not going to clean up after itself either.

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lisa3girls

I must be dense...I don't get what you are saying to me at all here

Runs like Dog

To me it boils down to people owning their own misery. It doesn't require a lot of analysis as to why they're grumpy and anxious all the time. I don't care. I don't want to care. But mostly what I want is to not hear about it. You can only do so much to appease someone's worst nature and foul outlook. So worrying about how much more you can do, often in complete futility, is, well, futile. The dog is going to crap all over the floor and you can clean it up because you have to. But beyond that, if the owner forbids me to take it to the vet or is indifferent about it until HE's the one suffering from the dog's illness, there's not much to be done EXCEPT for not listening to them carp and whine about how you're the one doing all the work. Chip in or shut up, I say.

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