Tool

If I tell her she needs help, she is gonna tell me im the problem.. so thats not gonna work..

I think an option is to see a marriage counselor, im sure she would go for that thinking someone else would tell me im wrong lol. And then get it out from there.

MGirl

I don't think you're taking this as seriously as you need to. You do realize she inadvertently threatened to kill one of your children, right? She needs medical help. Today.

Marriage counseling, my ass. Protect your kids right now. Worry about marriage counseling later.

Just my $.02, though.

__________________
Women are made to be loved, not understood. - Oscar Wilde

AFEH

Tool you’re definitely not taking this seriously enough. As demonstrated by the lol. This is nothing to laugh about whatsoever.

Some mothers/fathers do wicked, evil things to their children. But before they do them, they have to think them first. Your wife has given you, the father of her/your children, a massive heads up about her thoughts with regards to her children.

You do not know if her thoughts are her intents. You will only know that should you get home one day to a very tragic scene.

Are you willing to take that risk?

Go and see her doctor. Register with them what has happened and ask for their help. They may well get social services involved and you may well have your children taken from you while they investigate. Don’t live with the regret that you didn’t do anything.

mayatatia

Even if she never "kills" him in reality.... it's still verbal and emotional abuse, which is extremely damaging to a child. Your child may grow up either being an abuser himself or being abused. It really doesn't sound like the entire problem is pregnancy, unless she has always had a hormonal imbalance and has amplified with pregnancy. But even if its an imbalance, by her not recognizing it and getting help, it doesn't matter. Your child is at risk. Go to her next doctors appt. and bring this up in a loving way. Let her know that you are concerned about her as well and your children.

Tool

So I should bring this up to her Doc that she sees for the baby.

God I can't believe this is happening.

She has said to me several times that im ruining her life. If she could only see that she is in fact the one doing it.

If we did breakup and she got the kids, its gonna be a big wake up call when she realizes how good she really had it. And that is what scares me the most that something could actually happen at that point.

AFEH

Tool, I don’t think your path ahead is either clear or easy.

If I were in your shoes I’d meet with the Doc she sees for the baby. But I would do it by myself and without my wife’s knowledge.

Hopefully others will come in with more options for you.

joshbjoshb

Tool, I cannot tell you how much your situation sound so familiar to me! I read your post with disbelief as almost the same story happened to me, except it wasn't that bad.

Well, let me tell you this. Your wife is sick. I bet she is the most insecured person in the world, claiming to be the most secured one - but only when it comes to you. She is afraid of every little thing, but will try go gain control over you. This is because she is so lost, and feels so zero control in her life, that she is letting it all out on you.

This is not a case of you having to "man up". You need to set boundaries and be clear about them. There is nothing wrong in telling her "this is unacceptable to me, If you want to ask something, you have to ask it nicely otherwise forget about me helping you out."

However, the comment re the kids is VERY disturbing and I would have consulted someone about it. Could be that for the sake of a wake up call you should be the one threatening to separate. I believe that deep inside she is scared of the day that she will have to be on her own.

Ten_year_hubby

One comment to a three yo isn't going to permanently damage anyone but a steady diet of this stuff can create a problem.

If you can get her to admit to what she said, show genuine remorse, apologize and promise not to do it again then you are good. Everyone does things they regret.

I'm more worried about the throwing stuff (which could cause real damage or injury) and how this seems to be another phase of an ongoing problem. Throwing stuff and talking about murder are both outside the objective bounds of acceptable behavior. Not realizing this is the real problem here. You need to see some sign that she understands this

AllyM

Tool,
You have one job in this world and that is to protect your kids. Your wife needs serious help. I want you to google Borderline Personality Disorder, this is what I grew up with and sounds exactly like your wife. My mother was the same way and I hate to be the bearer of bad news but bpd's never change, they can't because nothing is ever their fault so they will never see what you are telling them is their faults. It may be tricky but you seriously have to consider your kids.
I'm pulling for you.

calif_hope

Next time she crossing the line with your child, bring up the custody, and when she asks about proving it......just give her a smirky smile and tell her you got that covered......

Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Saying to your 3 year old that moms cut up children into body parts is definitely not okay. I heard less than that through my apartment walls once as a threat to pound a child into the carpet and called child protective services and the child was taken away the same day (and rightly so because it wasn't the first time). I did not have a voice as a child (figuratively but also literally, the abuse left me speechless). You may think there is no damage from words but kids do understand that mommy might lose it and that their nightmares are not actually just harmless dreams. You are the responsible party here in terms of keeping your children safe. There is nothing to stop you from taking your children and moving them to a safe place with you when she says things like that, the kids need to see that you will keep them safe. It doesn't have to be dramatic, just a gesture, like say to the kids, mommy is not feeling right and so we are going to have some quiet time away from her where we can relax. Take them to a movie or to a McDonald's where there is a play area or a community center. If it is at night, if you don't have an understanding friend who can set up a safe haven for you then spring for a hotel/motel room. Some hostels have family rooms you can go to. Your place of employment might also have resources available through employee assistance program. I am sorry this is happening in your house. Sounds like your wife is scared due to pregnancy and is regressing, but I also think that grownups should be able to figure out that they are not behaving properly for the situation and seek help for themselves to figure it out. Especially when they are moms. I am harder on myself than I would be if I didn't have children, because if a parent has no courage to go the distance 100% of the time for her kids, and knows it, the loss to self-esteem would be horrible. So when you put your foot down on any kind of abuse of the children, you are doing your wife a favor by keeping the scales from tipping in a direction where she will feel she is useless and just give up. Definitely let her know she is fully capable of seeking help and that it's expected of her to do so. You'll be patient about it, so far as YOU are concerned, but you have the right to keep the children safe. She should 'get' this. If she doesn't, I'd make arrangements to take her for involuntary commitment (psych eval) next time she makes a threat.

Trenton

Please, I know Kaylee Anthony just died a terrible and rather unknown death but let's not go around saying that most mothers who say things they didn't mean but saw on Oprah and blurted out in the heat of frustration equal a baby killed. There'd be a helluva lot more babies killed. Secondly, let's ask a few more questions so that we can get a clearer picture before we charge this woman with murder and lock her up for life. Jeeeeezus.

Is she normally a good parent who shows restraint, patience and love with your child?

Was it a particularly frustrating day or is she having a particularly difficult time right now?

Is she overall a bad parent who endangers your 3 year old and doesn't care about the welfare or well being of your 3 year old?

Does she ever physically hurt your child?

Does she normally belittle your child and make him feel horrible whenever she is angry?

Why did you decide to have another child if your wife is such a horrible parent/wife?

Why didn't you talk to her about the comment and see if she regretted it? Find out why (beyond you) she is having a rough time right now? You may think you're supportive but if your wife doesn't get this, it's possible she is frustrated and feeling all alone and had a moment of horrible parenting. If you think this is the case and not the later...that she is a monster waiting to explode and cut your 3 year old's arms and legs off (which was on Oprah by the way about mothers who were dealing with postpartum depression).

It is very possible that she is dealing with a variant of depression stemming from her hormones but unless she is delusional or completely out of it, I'd include her in any process to help her through it. Otherwise, she will consider your behavior a betrayal and quite frankly, I wouldn't blame her.

morituri

If her emotional outbursts become more frequent and disturbing, demand that she go to counseling with you. If she refuses, then go by yourself. It may even help you if things turn uglier and you want to attain custody of the kids.

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golfergirl

There is a difference between, 'you're driving me insane, I'm going to spank you' and threatening to chop up your kid. I'd rather over react then under react especially with pregnancy hormones in play.
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Trenton

Without even asking any questions or gaining any insights, eh?

That's just plain dumb and will create a lot of unnecessary upset.

Providing support and guidance to a woman who is struggling with motherhood is far better for the children and the woman than treating her like a destined criminal is. It's very possible she does need help, if she gets the right kind of understanding and caring help she will fully recover and everyone (including society) benefits.

I've never said anything like that to my children. I can't imagine hearing the words coming out of my mouth and how badly I would feel afterwards or how stressed out and feeling out of control I'd have to be to say it to begin with. It prompts a sense of deep compassion inside me towards the Mom here. Get the Mom what she needs and both the child and the Mom benefit tenfold. Do this with compassion and understanding and their marriage will grow tremendously. Doing it because he feels he does too much and she doesn't add up or he wants to gain custody of his kids through divorce, is more sickening to me than the words she said.

Tool is more concerned about himself and how this all makes him feel than he is about his wife who is obviously in crisis.