THE SETTING: Married with other people's children.
I am 43, my wife is 49 with 2 children from 2 different men. We have no children together. Her older son, 27 now, and the father was never in the picture. He still lives at home. All tattooed up, even his fingers, no job, no school with a criminal record, smokes weed and get up really late. The daughter was a very troubled child, spoiled, tantrums. However, she grew out of that nicely and I love her. She is now 11 and most likely gay.
My wife and I met on a job. She made such a big impression on me that I said "You have to marry me". That was the first thing that came out of my mouth. Be careful what you ask for folks. I love her dearly, still do, and we general don't have any issues with each other.
THE ISSUE: The son.
He is the absolute bain of my existence, no education, and a loser. I graduate late from college by a long shot. I graduated from Duke University when I was 30 years old. I had many jobs and careers but went back and finished college. All on my own with no help, academically, financially or otherwise. Hence, my attitude of self-reliance. And not pursuing a higher education when you have the means is unacceptable for me.
THE CLIMAX:
I came home from a trip and my audiophile stereo system was pushed over. I had a sound engineer friend came by and tune the system to the acoustic of my living room. I am eluding to the fact that the stereo system is my pride and joy. My speaker was dropped and scratch because he came home drunk, high and fell on it. That was the beginning of the end. A culmination of different incidence has reached its boiling point. My wife and I nearly parted over this last event.
Wife: How can you put materials things above a human life? Did you ever stop to consider his condition?
Husband: This is not his only incidence, two wrecked cars, smoking weed, sleeping in late, not looking for work, and a criminal record is not going to help. You don't understand tough love, and this is the result.
Wife: I can never abandon my child.
Husband: I am willing to pay for his apartment, get him a car. Two years
is my time limit, after that he will have to learn to hustle. You are not abandoning your child, he will always have us.
Wife: He doesn't have a job, couldn't find one. Do you want me just to kick him out?
RESOLUTION:
We went for days without speaking to each other. I miss her dearly, still my sense of anger and disappointment at myself for making the monumental leap of getting married. When we became man and wife, I didn't have much. But have always been generous with her when my career progress. One night I came home, parked and sat in my car, listen to a song ( https://youtu.be/50VWOBi0VFst ) that touches me deeply. I can picture her on a rainy winter night, walking home late alone, heart broken.
I came into the house, climbed in bed, held her and kissed her. We made love.
ANTICLIMACTIC ENDING:
Elation sets in. I am filled with compassion for her situation as a single mother and her son not having a good role model, offered to buy him a car. Giving him a boost, filled with new possibilities he would then catapult himself to greatness. At this point, he had stopped smoking weed for a week. And he made plans to return to school. I was changing inside. Then a job interview he had prior called to reject him from a background check. I backed off fairly quickly from the initial exuberant. Questioning myself, "Am I putting the carriage in front of the horse?". I am trying to convey responsibility. Merits and respect are earned, not given.
I then changed my offer, I will co-sign a loan. Mother and son will have to work out the financial details to pay for the car and insurance themselves. I will be the net when they falter. In a hope to have them make a more financially sensible purchase. By me paying for the car, does not put any kind of hardship, nor practice risk-aversion on his part. No lesson learned.
As of now, me and my wife are not speaking to each other.
I am now thinking of a single life once again.
PS. Please help
Minh
I am 43, my wife is 49 with 2 children from 2 different men. We have no children together. Her older son, 27 now, and the father was never in the picture. He still lives at home. All tattooed up, even his fingers, no job, no school with a criminal record, smokes weed and get up really late. The daughter was a very troubled child, spoiled, tantrums. However, she grew out of that nicely and I love her. She is now 11 and most likely gay.
My wife and I met on a job. She made such a big impression on me that I said "You have to marry me". That was the first thing that came out of my mouth. Be careful what you ask for folks. I love her dearly, still do, and we general don't have any issues with each other.
THE ISSUE: The son.
He is the absolute bain of my existence, no education, and a loser. I graduate late from college by a long shot. I graduated from Duke University when I was 30 years old. I had many jobs and careers but went back and finished college. All on my own with no help, academically, financially or otherwise. Hence, my attitude of self-reliance. And not pursuing a higher education when you have the means is unacceptable for me.
THE CLIMAX:
I came home from a trip and my audiophile stereo system was pushed over. I had a sound engineer friend came by and tune the system to the acoustic of my living room. I am eluding to the fact that the stereo system is my pride and joy. My speaker was dropped and scratch because he came home drunk, high and fell on it. That was the beginning of the end. A culmination of different incidence has reached its boiling point. My wife and I nearly parted over this last event.
Wife: How can you put materials things above a human life? Did you ever stop to consider his condition?
Husband: This is not his only incidence, two wrecked cars, smoking weed, sleeping in late, not looking for work, and a criminal record is not going to help. You don't understand tough love, and this is the result.
Wife: I can never abandon my child.
Husband: I am willing to pay for his apartment, get him a car. Two years
is my time limit, after that he will have to learn to hustle. You are not abandoning your child, he will always have us.
Wife: He doesn't have a job, couldn't find one. Do you want me just to kick him out?
RESOLUTION:
We went for days without speaking to each other. I miss her dearly, still my sense of anger and disappointment at myself for making the monumental leap of getting married. When we became man and wife, I didn't have much. But have always been generous with her when my career progress. One night I came home, parked and sat in my car, listen to a song ( https://youtu.be/50VWOBi0VFst ) that touches me deeply. I can picture her on a rainy winter night, walking home late alone, heart broken.
I came into the house, climbed in bed, held her and kissed her. We made love.
ANTICLIMACTIC ENDING:
Elation sets in. I am filled with compassion for her situation as a single mother and her son not having a good role model, offered to buy him a car. Giving him a boost, filled with new possibilities he would then catapult himself to greatness. At this point, he had stopped smoking weed for a week. And he made plans to return to school. I was changing inside. Then a job interview he had prior called to reject him from a background check. I backed off fairly quickly from the initial exuberant. Questioning myself, "Am I putting the carriage in front of the horse?". I am trying to convey responsibility. Merits and respect are earned, not given.
I then changed my offer, I will co-sign a loan. Mother and son will have to work out the financial details to pay for the car and insurance themselves. I will be the net when they falter. In a hope to have them make a more financially sensible purchase. By me paying for the car, does not put any kind of hardship, nor practice risk-aversion on his part. No lesson learned.
As of now, me and my wife are not speaking to each other.
I am now thinking of a single life once again.
PS. Please help
Minh