I've been married for over a year now, to my wife who I've been with nearly 3 years. Early on when we started going out together, I brought up the fantasy I had of watching her being with another guy, and sharing her with other men. She wasn't put off completely by it, and for about a year or two, we would fantasise about this during sex. We bought some sex toys and because we were still in the early days of our relationship, would have sex all the time. We often acted out this fantasy in the bedroom, which was a laugh, as well as really sexy.
Shortly after we were married, we started looking into trying this fantasy for real. We posted some ads, made a profile and came quite close to arranging a meet. I knew it was mostly my fantasy, and I was way more eager to try it. In the end it didn't happen and since then my wife has completely gone off the idea.
I haven't.
It became even more intense actually.
We watch porn together occasionally, but I was still wanting to try those things for real, whereas she was just enjoying the videos.
Right now, I feel like I'm kinda stuck. I totally respect my wife's decision to not try it out, but I haven't been able to shake it off. It's becoming really preoccupying and I feel like I can't tell her that this is almost an obsession of mine.
I've brought it up enough times, and she's given it enough thought. When she says it's not something she wants to do, I can't really come back and say 'Well it's something I want to do!'
In previous relationships, I've had positive experiences of this 'sharing' of partners. I dipped my toes in the swinger scene in the UK and met many couples who had a tremendous bond and were so in love, and at the same time could share their partners with me. It was thrilling and I knew I would want to try it again in the future.
I totally respect monogamy, but at the same time, we're all different when it comes to desire. I've looked up tons of stuff relating to this, have read so many academic articles, watched many videos on the topic, listened to podcasts, and it always brings me back to the point where I still want to try it. Even reading the negative stuff...
I reckon there's gonna be a lot of you should respect your wife's decision, or why are you being so selfish you pig or why the hell would you risk your marriage over this??
I don't think there's anywhere online that seems to have reasoned debate when it comes to this - it's all hysterical stuff coming from insecure people, who can't see a different, more open-minded relationship.
To those people - maybe watch this first - it opened my eyes up to the fact that maybe we're not so preprogrammed to monogamy. Honestly give it 15 minutes of your time, it's fascinating.
https://www.ted.com/talks/christopher_ryan_are_we_designed_to_be_sexual_omnivores?language=en
I've also watched Esther Perel who is great:
https://www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_the_secret_to_desire_in_a_long_term_relationship?language=en
Just because I feel this way, don't assume that I don't really love my wife. I do, and always will. You know nothing about me or her, so please keep those unhelpful remarks to yourself. Instead justify any hyperbole you want to use with reasoning and facts.
Also - I've heard the Don't do it buddy, it will end badly, she'll leave you for another guy narrative. That will only happen if our marriage was going to end anyway. It would just speed up the process. And if that was the best thing for both of us, I would have no regrets.
But consider that there is a possibility that it might enrich our marriage, deepen our love and attraction to each other, and improve our self confidence and health - which is also something I've read a lot about. It could empower both of us personally and there are benefits to be gotten from sharing partners. It's not a myth, or am I completely off the mark???
I'd love to hear from anyone who has advice on this. I will likely need to see a sex therapist on my own, as I can't live with this unfulfilled fantasy for much longer.
Thank you for reading.
Shortly after we were married, we started looking into trying this fantasy for real. We posted some ads, made a profile and came quite close to arranging a meet. I knew it was mostly my fantasy, and I was way more eager to try it. In the end it didn't happen and since then my wife has completely gone off the idea.
I haven't.
It became even more intense actually.
We watch porn together occasionally, but I was still wanting to try those things for real, whereas she was just enjoying the videos.
Right now, I feel like I'm kinda stuck. I totally respect my wife's decision to not try it out, but I haven't been able to shake it off. It's becoming really preoccupying and I feel like I can't tell her that this is almost an obsession of mine.
I've brought it up enough times, and she's given it enough thought. When she says it's not something she wants to do, I can't really come back and say 'Well it's something I want to do!'
In previous relationships, I've had positive experiences of this 'sharing' of partners. I dipped my toes in the swinger scene in the UK and met many couples who had a tremendous bond and were so in love, and at the same time could share their partners with me. It was thrilling and I knew I would want to try it again in the future.
I totally respect monogamy, but at the same time, we're all different when it comes to desire. I've looked up tons of stuff relating to this, have read so many academic articles, watched many videos on the topic, listened to podcasts, and it always brings me back to the point where I still want to try it. Even reading the negative stuff...
I reckon there's gonna be a lot of you should respect your wife's decision, or why are you being so selfish you pig or why the hell would you risk your marriage over this??
I don't think there's anywhere online that seems to have reasoned debate when it comes to this - it's all hysterical stuff coming from insecure people, who can't see a different, more open-minded relationship.
To those people - maybe watch this first - it opened my eyes up to the fact that maybe we're not so preprogrammed to monogamy. Honestly give it 15 minutes of your time, it's fascinating.
https://www.ted.com/talks/christopher_ryan_are_we_designed_to_be_sexual_omnivores?language=en
I've also watched Esther Perel who is great:
https://www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_the_secret_to_desire_in_a_long_term_relationship?language=en
Just because I feel this way, don't assume that I don't really love my wife. I do, and always will. You know nothing about me or her, so please keep those unhelpful remarks to yourself. Instead justify any hyperbole you want to use with reasoning and facts.
Also - I've heard the Don't do it buddy, it will end badly, she'll leave you for another guy narrative. That will only happen if our marriage was going to end anyway. It would just speed up the process. And if that was the best thing for both of us, I would have no regrets.
But consider that there is a possibility that it might enrich our marriage, deepen our love and attraction to each other, and improve our self confidence and health - which is also something I've read a lot about. It could empower both of us personally and there are benefits to be gotten from sharing partners. It's not a myth, or am I completely off the mark???
I'd love to hear from anyone who has advice on this. I will likely need to see a sex therapist on my own, as I can't live with this unfulfilled fantasy for much longer.
Thank you for reading.