Or just get up and walk away. Later when she asks why you walked away just say your time is important, she wasn't communicating with you and you have work to do.
Thanks guys. Conrad - Actually, I did just that! I was put off by it. I got out my phone and called a client about a matter. It was a very "alpha" phone conversation - which I try to take when she is around. So, I am getting there.
She is so caught up in her world, and the supposed stress of her job. We are talking about separating and moving out. You would think that WE would be more important to her than a file that is "blowing up." It is sending a message about who/what is more important. That behavior needs to be stopped or confronted or matched.
Thanks guys. Conrad - Actually, I did just that! I was put off by it. I got out my phone and called a client about a matter. It was a very "alpha" phone conversation - which I try to take when she is around. So, I am getting there.
She is so caught up in her world, and the supposed stress of her job. We are talking about separating and moving out. You would think that WE would be more important to her than a file that is "blowing up." It is sending a message about who/what is more important. That behavior needs to be stopped or confronted or matched.
I'm on it. I will crack this nut. The fact that I have let this happen p!sses me off more than you can imagine. Everything you do either creates attraction or decreases it and I'm tired of acting like a p***y.
We have a minor disagreement about timing. I'm not sure where she is exactly for her meeting and how far away it is from the sandwich shop we go to. I say let's meet in 15 minutes. She says 5 - she's not that far away. I say fine 5 minutes.
I can feel the tinges of frustration starting to open up on her part (that we are not on the same page etc., with timing), but remain unaffected.
I arrive on time and it takes her 15 minutes to get there. I didn't bring it up.
You blew all this big-time. She was becoming frustrated in the first place because you were giving in to her 5 minute timeframe when you both knew she wasn't going to make that. It's ok to make her wait, and say, I'll be there in 15, even after she says she'll be there in 5. "5- it's not that far away." "Well, I'll be there in 15." You've got things to do man, people to see. For now you should err on the side of making her wait.
Second, when she actually was late, call her out on that! Jeez man, you let her walk all over you before you even sat down.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bigrascal
I fail a sh!t test - where I grab chips from a top bin and she says "really your not gonna help the guy out and grab from the bottom." I shrug, pause and say sure and put them back and grab from the bottom. Ugh - why! Totally submissive on my part.
Definitely fail number two. You say, "Look, you want to restock their shelves, go ahead. You and I are just going to do things differently sometimes. That's ok. You may have learned one way and I've learned another. That doesn't make your way right, and it's very disrespectful of you to sweat all this small stuff with me. Let it go." And nip it in the bud, right then and there, in public.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bigrascal
She suggests we sit outside. We sit outside and talk briefly, things feel a bit strained but I do my best to remain upbeat and unaffected. I think I do a good job. We make small talk about how our days are going. She as usual is having a hectic day and seems slightly stressed.
And fail again. She shouldn't be leading here, or anywhere. It's driving her crazy, because her dad is so take charge. If she tries to lead, pull back on that leash just for practice. "No, I want to sit inside." even if it's a nice day out.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bigrascal
She spends a good part of the meal sending an email and looking through a file - she apologizes for it. I say its fine and make a call. She talks about our bank account and she asks how much I've put in and says "you know we have bills coming out." I say "I know." She says "we can't let the balance go below 700. How much is in there."
I have a receipt in my pocket and tell her the balance. She says "ok I guess we are ok." I say "you know what, let me deposit XXX amount in there this afternoon; the bank is across from my office - just so we have it." She shrugs and says "oh, ok."
Fail and fail. I've lost count. I don't mean to be harsh here, but you're really ticking her off. You've already handled the finances. Going and putting more in is being led around by the nose for no reason. "ok I guess we are ok." "Yes, I'm on top of it, don't worry." is the right response.
The first fail was saying "it's fine." It's far better to actually accept an apology at face value, as if you were actually wronged, which you were. "Thank you for apologizing. My time is important too." Good move on the followup of making your own call. Your time is important. You matter, man. Get it through your head.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bigrascal
We end the meal. I go in for a hug/kiss and she goes for a kiss on my check.
I don't think it's in your best interest to initiate physical contact after so much disrespect.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bigrascal
I have work to do on passing Sh!t tests. I know they are going to come and I can't believe I failed such a simple one. I need to "steel myself" for these interactions. I also need to be unaffected by her mood and emotions. I was so ready for her to be upset by something when she got to the restaurant:
"why didn't you just get our sandwiches since you were here first" or
"why did you already get our sandwiches they are going to be cold now"
I'm almost scared of her mood. I could feel my stress level rise waiting for her to arrive and expecting her to be upset about something.
Work to do:
Expect the sh!t test to come; recognize it and call it out;
work on being unaffected by her mood/emotion. Being "worried" that she will be upset is really no way to live. Not attractive and not strong. I go in phases where I see the "matrix" and sometimes I just don't pay attention and I get blind sided.
Have to work on tests? Do you ever. If you'd passed half of those you would have no problems. Be confident, be a man. You're getting plenty of opportunities. Don't give her an inch until you've taken the mile that you're behind. Really.
When my W asks if I'm going to do something a certain way, I just look her in the eye and say "Yes", or if she asks why, I say "Because I can". Eventually, she stops asking. Not being a pr*ck, just my way of letting her know that I don't like being "coached".
In the meantime, take the sailing lessons. I think of Ishmael:
"The sea, where every man as in a mirror finds-himself."
I just started re-reading the fitness test thread. It's inspiring. I have two things going on here:
1. An unhealthy aversion to conflict which I will solve; and
2. A controlling anal woman with emotional issues that thinks she is right all the time.
So it's challenging. But I will get good at this - not for her, but for me. I can't change her emotional issues, but I can change my actions.
I made a point of being ready for the fitness tests last night. I think I averted many of them from the start.
She texts me that she is on her way home from work. I start making dinner - not something I normally do, and am criticized sometimes for not doing. I make what I want - don't ask for her input. She gets home. I give her one choice - chicken or beef. She says she doesn't know and asks what I want. I say I already pulled the chicken out so we are having chicken. she changes and I give her a job of stirring the cooking vegetables.
She cuddles up next to me while I am standing and asks what movie we are seeing this weekend -not something we talked about previously. Food is done. She grabs a coke and sits down. I say "a coke really" she says "yeah I know I should have something else and she goes and gets water."
I give her two choices for the evening - a movie or watching tv while we work on a puzzle (don't ask - she's all into puzzles lately). She chooses option 2. We watch tv and I pull her close to me on the couch.
Fitness tests seemed to be pretty much avoided though I got two later that night.
1. We go to bed; she's reading I say "do you want to talk?" Her: "if you have something interesting to say." Me: "wow that's rude."
2. Later in the evening, her stomach growls loudly. I say "my stomach is doing the same thing." Her, annoyed: "Big, you know that my stomach does that when I lay down and it doesn't mean anything." Me: "I wasn't talking about you, I was talking about me. My stomach has been messed up all week. Is that how you talk to someone you care about, really?" She back peddles and we have a convo.
Baby steps and not perfect (why on earth did I ask if she wanted to talk?), but I will get there. Going to go finish re-reading the fitness test thread now. It's golden.
I just started re-reading the fitness test thread. It's inspiring. I have two things going on here:
1. An unhealthy aversion to conflict which I will solve; and
2. A controlling anal woman with emotional issues that thinks she is right all the time.
So it's challenging. But I will get good at this - not for her, but for me. I can't change her emotional issues, but I can change my actions.
I made a point of being ready for the fitness tests last night. I think I averted many of them from the start.
She texts me that she is on her way home from work. I start making dinner - not something I normally do, and am criticized sometimes for not doing. I make what I want - don't ask for her input. She gets home. I give her one choice - chicken or beef. She says she doesn't know and asks what I want. I say I already pulled the chicken out so we are having chicken. she changes and I give her a job of stirring the cooking vegetables.
She cuddles up next to me while I am standing and asks what movie we are seeing this weekend -not something we talked about previously. Food is done. She grabs a coke and sits down. I say "a coke really" she says "yeah I know I should have something else and she goes and gets water."
I give her two choices for the evening - a movie or watching tv while we work on a puzzle (don't ask - she's all into puzzles lately). She chooses option 2. We watch tv and I pull her close to me on the couch.
Fitness tests seemed to be pretty much avoided though I got two later that night.
1. We go to bed; she's reading I say "do you want to talk?" Her: "if you have something interesting to say." Me: "wow that's rude."
2. Later in the evening, her stomach growls loudly. I say "my stomach is doing the same thing." Her, annoyed: "Big, you know that my stomach does that when I lay down and it doesn't mean anything." Me: "I wasn't talking about you, I was talking about me. My stomach has been messed up all week. Is that how you talk to someone you care about, really?" She back peddles and we have a convo.
Baby steps and not perfect (why on earth did I ask if she wanted to talk?), but I will get there. Going to go finish re-reading the fitness test thread now. It's golden.
I don't like your tone so much. She is reading, let her read. The fact you are "forcing" yourself upon her (by rebuking her why she is not interested in talking) you might get the opposite response.
If she is reading, just get in to bed, a good night kiss and go the sleep.
It also sounds to me you are making big deals out of little things... you harsh response "is that how you talk about someone you care" is away too harsh for the situation. Instead, a big of humor and smile would do better.
Remember, the secret is NOT to try and control her (which this is what you are trying to do!) but rather be someone who she admires and respect. If you end up sounding like a commander too much, than something is wrong.
She seems to be directing the conversation to the future (e.g., if you did this, it would really fix things between us and make me respect you more and I would know we have a direction). She also tells me that because I never made that decision, it is clear that our future together was never very important to me.
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Which means "if you do what I say, I would respect you more".
Thanks for the feedback. I think I can be better at pushing back in a witty or funny way to keep these on the lighter side.
I don't want to be a commander, but I know I need to make an active effort to lead and sometimes I just want her to let me lead - for it to happen naturally like in other relationships. Just stand down chick!
There's so much irony here. I have a W that is controlling and wants everything to be done the "right" way, but in reality doesn't want to be in control at all.
Interestingly, she has told me a few times that she wants to be treated like a 10 year old girl. While that sounds very odd, I think I understand what she means. And what she means is not nearly as strange as it sounds. She is asking for leadership and direction and security.
But, and here is the rub, she has a really, really hard time giving up control - this is her issue. She needs the control to feel secure, but wont' give it up.
I get resentful b/c I'm not trusted and deemed incompetent. I pull back and become less emotionally invested. She feels less secure and becomes more controlling. It's a hell of a cycle to be caught up in.
Not passing fitness tests is part of the problem, but not the whole problem by any means.
I thought you did alright, because as I said you had to lay down the law a bit just to catch up. Yes, we can all do better, but the main thing was for you to stop failing the tests. And the advice others have given is of course solid, but don't feel bad about how you did. Baby steps as you said, and lots of practice.
You don't have to be controlling, just in control of yourself.
Re: Is It Really That Bad? 
