Wife seems to be angry with me all the time
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - Online Counseling - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Talk About Family, Marriage and Relationships »The Men's Clubhouse » Wife seems to be angry with me all the time

The Men's Clubhouse Talk about life's dilemmas.

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 08-13-2011, 01:34 PM   #1 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 1
Unhappy Wife seems to be angry with me all the time

I need help because I am beyond confused and do not know what to do or how to approach the issue. I have been married for about 2 months now and have dated my wife for about 3 years. I've known for a long time that she has a fairly short fuse but it wasn't often that she was angry with me prior to getting married. But since getting married it seems she gets very irritated with me 3-4 times per week. 90% of the time I don't know why she's mad and many times she gets mad over the most miniscule of things. On our honeymoon, I was driving and she wanted my to pull over to take a picture of something but there were about ten cars behind me and no shoulder on the side of the road so I just kept going. She was upset with me for for several hours after that. Later on that drive, I accidentally hit a bump in the road while she was trying to snap a picture and she got upset by that. Everything has to be perfect. I try to help her with things but if I'm not doing something exactly the way she wants then she gets upset and tells me to stop and she'll do it herself. I know I have my faults but I treat her right, I can't recall ever raising my voice in anger or talking down to her. I have a tough time expressing my feelings and don't want to hurt her feelings by telling her how I feel. I am extremely scared that we won't make it because I love her with every fiber of my being but lately I feel that she doesn't even like me or that I'm just in the way. I didn't have a very loving childhood. Nothing was ever good enough and was always getting yelled at. I was a damn good kid, stayed out of trouble, made good grades. If I made a 95 on a test I never heard "I'm proud of you or good job," all I heard was "why didn't you make a higher grade." My initial reaction is to shut down and not want to talk because I don't like confrontation and conflict. I know there is no way around it but to tell her how this makes me feel but I don't know exactly how to approach it because I don't want to hurt her. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
bgrice is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 08-13-2011, 02:10 PM   #2 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 19,935
Default Re: Wife seems to be angry with me all the time

bgrice,

Click on this link:

Fitness Tests

Once you start passing these tests, your world will change for the better.

Very fixable. Very normal.

Relax.
Conrad is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-13-2011, 02:13 PM   #3 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,411
Default Re: Wife seems to be angry with me all the time

Print out what you just wrote and give it to her. Hand it to her and tell her that YOU find it hard to talk about things, but you are willing to open up the discussion. When you do talk to her, use "I" statements.... don't say all the things that she does wrong, just tell her how you feel.

For example, "I get frustrated when I try to help with something but you take over instead of letting me complete a task." Use specific examples, and be prepared for her to get defensive.

Suggest marriage counseling, tell her you want to make your marriage stronger and that YOU will work on learning to communicate better...don't make it all about her anger, that can come out in counseling. But communication can make or break a marriage.

Just some ideas..... good luck!
SunnyT is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-13-2011, 02:15 PM   #4 (permalink)
Member
 
that_girl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Wherever I lay my head.
Posts: 9,869
Default Re: Wife seems to be angry with me all the time

You have to tell her how you feel. Holding it in will make things WAY WORSE when the real shet hits the fan.
that_girl is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 08-13-2011, 02:15 PM   #5 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 19,935
Default Re: Wife seems to be angry with me all the time

In my experience, if you try to open a "logical discussion" with her on these topics, she will make you wish you hadn't.


Quote:
Originally Posted by SunnyT View Post
Print out what you just wrote and give it to her. Hand it to her and tell her that YOU find it hard to talk about things, but you are willing to open up the discussion. When you do talk to her, use "I" statements.... don't say all the things that she does wrong, just tell her how you feel.

For example, "I get frustrated when I try to help with something but you take over instead of letting me complete a task." Use specific examples, and be prepared for her to get defensive.

Suggest marriage counseling, tell her you want to make your marriage stronger and that YOU will work on learning to communicate better...don't make it all about her anger, that can come out in counseling. But communication can make or break a marriage.

Just some ideas..... good luck!
Conrad is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-13-2011, 02:48 PM   #6 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 870
Default Re: Wife seems to be angry with me all the time

Quote:
Originally Posted by bgrice View Post
I need help because I am beyond confused and do not know what to do or how to approach the issue. I have been married for about 2 months now and have dated my wife for about 3 years. I've known for a long time that she has a fairly short fuse but it wasn't often that she was angry with me prior to getting married. But since getting married it seems she gets very irritated with me 3-4 times per week. 90% of the time I don't know why she's mad and many times she gets mad over the most miniscule of things. On our honeymoon, I was driving and she wanted my to pull over to take a picture of something but there were about ten cars behind me and no shoulder on the side of the road so I just kept going. She was upset with me for for several hours after that. Later on that drive, I accidentally hit a bump in the road while she was trying to snap a picture and she got upset by that.
Look up on this forum "fitness test" and how to deal with them.

Quote:
Everything has to be perfect.
When a woman is being a perfectionist, she is masking insecurity.

I would say her insecurity in particular, now that you are married, is rooted in he emotional and feminine need to see her husband as the kind of man that she feels she does not need to become "motherly" toward.

This happens when two things occur.

1. The things that are your responsibilty as a man, the things that are important and that matter, you take care of from your own drive, direction, leadership, and decision. Being a responsible man, a provider, setting the direction and goals for yourself and yes, your marriage, all of these things that truly matter, you take care of from your own leadership and initiative.

2. You make it crystal clear that you understand and abide by number 1, and do not react or become off balanced by her attempts to be "motherly" toward you, whether it is nagging, throwing a tantrum, fussing, or making ridiculous or irrational demands on you. These are "fitness tests", otherwise called "sh1t tests", and are universal where there are men and women in a sexual relationship. Getting mad at you regarding not pulling over to snap a picture, and especially getting mad at you for hitting the bump, are perfect examples of these irrational demands.

The good man deals with these fitness test just like this, he KNOWS they are fitness tests, is not unbalanced, surprised, nor reacts to them at all as if they are literal.

Instead he reacts often with indifference, or by deflecting or turning them back around on his woman, and especially by using humor and a smile, this is surest way to reassure his woman that he is in control of himself, that he is a strong, confident, dominant man, and she at her core can lower her defenses and rest in his strength.

This is when the perfectionism diminishes, the walls and defenses come down, vulnerability increases, and a woman can enjoy being a woman in the presence of her man.

Quote:
I try to help her with things but if I'm not doing something exactly the way she wants then she gets upset and tells me to stop and she'll do it herself.
Stop helping so much. You are her husband, not her servant.

Also, be quick to take on some task of your own, and enlist her "help". As a husband, do not be a "helper" more often than you are the one being helped!

As well, I am confident most of these examples you could describe would simply be "fitness tests" of some form or another.

Quote:
I know I have my faults but I treat her right, I can't recall ever raising my voice in anger or talking down to her.
Good. Always keep your composure and do not let your emotions rule you as a man.


Quote:
I have a tough time expressing my feelings and don't want to hurt her feelings by telling her how I feel.


Not sure exactly what this is.

Not gushing about feelings is not a bad thing at all, but if you are saying you don't want to hurt her feelings by telling her how you "feel", and really meaning you are lacking the courage or the will to not put up with her nonsense, then you will have a very long and very miserable road in front of you.

Quote:
I am extremely scared that we won't make it because I love her with every fiber of my being but lately I feel that she doesn't even like me or that I'm just in the way.
My guess is, you love her so much you put her on a pedastal.

If this is true, and I wish it were not for any man in the world, then expect nothing less than continued resentment on top of resentment, and watching the sad transformation of a formerly loving and sexual woman continue to evolve into a nagging, harpy b1tch.

This is ALWAYS the case when a man puts his woman on a pedastal!

A woman wants to be in a relationship with a man, not a boy, not a servant, but a man.

So all the behaviors that are like a boy, or like a servant, put these behaviors off. (These behaviors are sadly built in anytime a man puts a woman on a pedastal.)

And put on instead behaviors of a good man, a good man with strong opinions, decisive direction, amitious goals, who commands respect, enforces firm boundries, and yes, has deep and dark sexual desires, and have the boldness and courage to pursue his desires with all the mettle he is made of.

Quote:
I didn't have a very loving childhood. Nothing was ever good enough and was always getting yelled at. I was a damn good kid, stayed out of trouble, made good grades. If I made a 95 on a test I never heard "I'm proud of you or good job," all I heard was "why didn't you make a higher grade."
I hear what you are saying.

But I will say this for your benefit, do NOT expect, require, or ever deliberately seek out validation as a man from your wife.

This can ONLY come from within you, and should only come from within you.

Only then is the definite shift in relationship behavior, from reacting to relationship situations like a child or a boy (ie, worrying about some "sh1t test" or whether your wife is upset about some trivial thing), and being a proactive leader and setting the direction like a responsible man (seeing sh1t tests with confident amusement, demonstrating your masculine mettle).

A man seeking a woman's approval, a woman will QUICKLY resent that attribute in a man, she will NOT be attracted to that attribute, she WILL be repulsed by that attribute, and will manifest insecurity, perfectionism, nagging, and "sh1t test" after "sh!t test" after "sh1t test"!

Quote:
My initial reaction is to shut down and not want to talk because I don't like confrontation and conflict.
RED FLAG!

Without conflict in a relationship, there will be no respect.

With no respect, there will be no sexual attraction.

Without sexual attraction, there will be instead resentment, insecurity, nagging, perfectionism, leading just as a wedge to raising emotional defenses, and eventual emotional isolation.

Listen, Bgrice and all other men reading this, CONFLICT IS YOUR BEST FRIEND CONCERNING WOMEN!

No other way will a women ever see the mettle of her man than to see him handle a challenge.

Whether that challenge is excelling at a sport, mastering a musical instrument or art form, physical strength, social excellence, leading other men, or passing a sh1t test, it is ALL CONFLICT, and a man handling CONFLICT commands RESPECT!

And respect is the foundation of any and all attraction, and no less than sexual attraction, which is hand and glove to emotional connection and vulnerability in a woman to the man that excites her in this very way.

All good men reading this, EMBRACE Conflict!

Quote:
I know there is no way around it but to tell her how this makes me feel
"Talking about feelings", not the number one way to go about this. Not at all.

Passing fitness test, with humor, confidence, and likewise, learning not only to embrace conflict, but enjoying actively seeking it out and meeting it headlong, this is the way to getting where you are wanting to be as a man in a sexual relationship with a woman.

Quote:
but I don't know exactly how to approach it because I don't want to hurt her. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
You won't hurt her. She is not made of glass. Take her off the pedastal and understand this last point.

She WANTS to see you stand up to her.

Nothing on earth would make her happier right now. Take that to the bank.

I wish you well.
__________________
Decide what to be, and go be it. -Avett Brothers.
BigBadWolf is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-13-2011, 03:05 PM   #7 (permalink)
Member
 
alphaomega's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,284
Default Re: Wife seems to be angry with me all the time

Bgrice,

BBW has it spot on. Listen to him, Conrad, MEM, and others when they tell you exactly this thing. This advise has helped a lot of us nice guys on exactly the same situation.

Also, head on over to marriedmansexlife.com. Read Atholk and his posts there. Get his book if u wish. Most excellent information there too.
Posted via Mobile Device
alphaomega is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-14-2011, 09:03 AM   #8 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 39
Default Re: Wife seems to be angry with me all the time

From everything you've written, not just about your wife but your whole life, you sound like a Nice Guy. Being nicer still does not fix anything, it makes it worse and causes her to lose respect for you.

Amazon.com: No More Mr. Nice Guy! (9780762415335): Robert A. Glover: Books
Idun is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-14-2011, 11:34 AM   #9 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: So Cal
Posts: 4,370
Default Re: Wife seems to be angry with me all the time

Married only two months and she's treating you like dirt? This is supposed to be the honeymoon stage of your marriage for Christ's sake. File for divorce. She obviously does not love you and this emotional abuse will only continue to escalate and could become physical. You do not have kids with her so if you divorce her you can make a clean break and never have to deal with her again.

There's no shame in admitting to yourself that you made a bad choice in marrying that woman, the shame is continuing to be married to her.
__________________
"Man is not a rational animal, he is a rationalizing animal." Robert A. Heinlein

Links
morituri is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-14-2011, 07:31 PM   #10 (permalink)
Member
 
heartsbeating's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Batcave
Posts: 4,745
Default Re: Wife seems to be angry with me all the time

Although I don't relate to how your wife is treating you, I do agree with what BBW has advised.

My H and I were young when we moved in together. Shortly after, we had a big argument. I don't even remember what it was about. Being young and immature, I walked away and slammed the bedroom door in anger. He followed and said he expected more from me and wouldn't put up with doors being slammed. Despite my emotions at the time, I remember feeling a sense of respect for him. I'm now a reformed door-slammer. That was the last time it happened, 15 years ago.

I agree that conflict can be a good thing AND so is calling each other on behavior too. Sometimes it can take getting over ego to reach that place but that's part of the ride. She'll handle it. Just as you will too, when she tells you sometime that she felt you were out of line or needs you to adjust behavior.

I don't think you've made a bad choice marrying her but you do need to make changes and stop bad patterns forming. And also, BBW was spot on - don't seek your validation from her, try to get that from within yourself. Best wishes!
heartsbeating is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-14-2011, 07:38 PM   #11 (permalink)
Member
 
Entropy3000's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: In Love
Posts: 9,745
Default Re: Wife seems to be angry with me all the time

Quote:
Originally Posted by heartsbreaking View Post
Although I don't relate to how your wife is treating you, I do agree with what BBW has advised.

My H and I were young when we moved in together. Shortly after, we had a big argument. I don't even remember what it was about. Being young and immature, I walked away and slammed the bedroom door in anger. He followed and said he expected more from me and wouldn't put up with doors being slammed. Despite my emotions at the time, I remember feeling a sense of respect for him. I'm now a reformed door-slammer. That was the last time it happened, 15 years ago.

I agree that conflict can be a good thing AND so is calling each other on behavior too. Sometimes it can take getting over ego to reach that place but that's part of the ride. She'll handle it. Just as you will too, when she tells you sometime that she felt you were out of line or needs you to adjust behavior.

I don't think you've made a bad choice marrying her but you do need to make changes and stop bad patterns forming. And also, BBW was spot on - don't seek your validation from her, try to get that from within yourself. Best wishes!
Some really good points here. I am not a conflict avoider. I think conflict is normal and a good thing in most cases. It is how we deal with it that is most important. It is a primary way in which we grow and evolve.
Entropy3000 is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 08-14-2011, 08:25 PM   #12 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: India
Posts: 29
Default Re: Wife seems to be angry with me all the time

bgrice.. U are lucky that you find this site just after 2 months of your marriage and u have time to stem the rot. Please hear to BBW. He is correct to T even if he sound bombastic.

Do NOT , repeat DO NOT try to tell her how you feel/discuss issues rationally/express your emotions nd blah blah blah. If she could have been moved by this , you would not have been on this board. You will end up looking like a sissy.Do not for a second think about printing this out and handing to your wife.
I am in same position as you are and understand the underlaying issues now. Only problem is that I am 9 year into my marriage and the dynamics fr my marriage is crystallized. But u are relatively young. Grow some balls and stand for your self. Rest all will fall into place.All the best and I wish I had found guru BBW 9 years back :-)
Enamored is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-15-2011, 07:44 AM   #13 (permalink)
Member
 
Runs like Dog's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Redneckistan
Posts: 7,001
Default Re: Wife seems to be angry with me all the time

Some people marry in order to get away with being abusive gnomes. Everyone laughs at the Bridezillas until they realize she never changed, you're 5 years in and it's still 1000% about her and her anger and craziness.
__________________
Itís the least I can do, and thatís why Iím doing it
Runs like Dog is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 08-15-2011, 08:18 AM   #14 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 100
Default Re: Wife seems to be angry with me all the time

BBW - Your advise is golden. I wish I had implemented it earlier in my relationship.
Bigrascal is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-15-2011, 08:32 AM   #15 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 2,349
Default Re: Wife seems to be angry with me all the time

Agree with BBW. Please listen to him.

You should see your thinking is wrong when you say the following:

My wife screams at me. But, I don't want to hurt her by saying anything.

There can be no double standard in a marriage.
Hicks is online now   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Need help with angry wife. muskr General Relationship Discussion 2 08-26-2012 10:40 AM
Angry at wife perfecthusband1973 The Family & Parenting Forums 9 12-19-2011 12:52 AM
Rejected a 3rd time... can I say hurt is much harder than angry? lisa3girls Coping with Infidelity 27 11-15-2011 11:57 AM
angry all of the time utopia The Family & Parenting Forums 3 12-14-2010 03:42 AM
Angry all the time Wally General Relationship Discussion 2 02-05-2009 07:35 PM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads





Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 05:05 PM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage