Hi everyone, I'm new to the forum (as you can tell) and am looking for some advice from those who have perhaps been in similar situations.
I got married 1 month ago to my girlfriend of 12 years (we were high school sweethearts). Probably like any couple, we had our share of fights and problems. Before marriage, the thing that bothered me the most was how she fought when we were in fights. She would twist what I would say, summarize what I said incorrectly (and always to make it look like I was horrible; i.e., her misinterpretation was always in one direction), and seemingly never really apologize for anything that upset me. If I were really upset, she would say she was "confused", and then she would go on the offensive and SHE would be the one who ended up most mad and "deserving" of an apology.
I knew this before marriage, and I told her this really bothered me. She said she would work on it, and although the progress was terribly terribly slow, she might have been making a little progress and I was happy with that. Or even if I wasn't happy with the rate of progress, we would fight fairly rarely so I could tolerate a couple horrible nights around her because they were so few and far between.
However, since being married, things have seemingly gotten so much worse. I admit, it might also be partly due to me being more sensitive to the issue since now that we're married it's even more likely that we'll be together for many, many years. But I do think in spite of my possible heightened sensitivity that things have gotten objectively worse since marriage.
And it's not like we have anything real to fight about. It's just stupid stuff that is a huge waste of my finite time on this earth. For example, last night we got into a huge fight because I got up from the couch to go the bathroom. I'm not being facetious, that's literally the problem. We were sitting on the couch after watching a bunch of TV and were talking. Once there was a lull in the conversation I said I was getting up to go to the bathroom. She immediately got upset that I was "leaving her when she wanted to continue talking to me". I said that I was just going to go to the bathroom and come back, but still sat down again and said "what do you want to talk about?". But now she says she doesn't want to talk. After coming out of the bathroom I got my laundry out of the laundry room and started laying it out on the couch like we always do and was talking to her. But the damage was done, she had convinced herself that I had done something wrong. I repeatedly explained that I JUST had to go to the bathroom and that I wanted to still talk to her, but it didn't matter. The train had left the station. The night was unrecoverable. I finally told her that it really bothers me when she acts like that, and went to the kitchen to read some stuff related to work. She came in there and started doing what she does when she wants to fight. She tells me "I'm just trying to understand where you're coming from, because I'm confused". This phrase has with almost near 100% certainty always preceded her getting mad herself and getting "frustrated" with me such that now she convinces herself that even though I said I'm upset, that she is now more upset and deserving of an apology. She then tries to expand the fight, going into past fights that were never resolved and continuing to expand the issue. All this while she repeats what I "said", and what I "think", and all of this time that things that she's saying that I said I JUST corrected her and told her that's not what I said. And the things she tells me I think I just got done telling her that's not what I think. So I feel like I'm helpless in the fight and can do nothing to change it's course.
Do other married (or unmarried) men feel similarly when they are in fights with spouses? It's sort of "common knowledge" that women are unreasonable in fights, but before getting married I always thought this was a sexist stereotype that wasn't true. Is this incorrect? Am I expecting to see too much eye-to-eye on the way we discuss things? I feel like all problems can be resolved as long as we can effectively communicate to one another, but the way she reiterates things that I don't say I don't feel like I'm able to communicate to her. It just seems like what I say has no influence on what she will later say that I said.
GammaPoint, neither of you “grew up and matured” before you got married. The effect of that is that you still have the behaviours of teenagers. I’ve seen couples who were childhood sweethearts exhibit those same behaviours in their 70s and 80s.
I thoroughly recommend you take your wife on a marriage enrichment program. These are run by seriously experienced and mature people and they will give you and your wife a marriage structure and dynamics that will last the two of you a lifetime.
Thanks for the link. It's clearly a long thread, but I read most of it. Please forgive me if I'm oversimplifying it, but is the basic idea that women periodically test their men to see under what conditions they lose control? And even though one would think naively that a man who was strongly emotionally affected by a relationship where clear communication was not possible would be valued by a woman, in reality they prefer men who stay in control (even if by staying in control the man has to hide that he's upset with the situation?) Is this in anyway related to the vague notion that women "like bad boys" (the connection being that since 'bad boys' are so 'bad' they probably stay in control of situations and aren't easily affected by emotional tantrums and such?).
If I understand this correctly, it's certainly an interesting theory, and one in which I would be interested in applying. When I feel that she's being extremely unfair to me, it clearly bothers me, and in being bothered, it usually makes her MORE aggressive. This is consistent with the "fitness test" idea. If I were able to frame her aggression as a sort of control test, it'd be much easier for me to ignore the unfair aspects of it and simply try to pass the test.
GammaPoint, neither of you “grew up and matured” before you got married. The effect of that is that you still have the behaviours of teenagers. I’ve seen couples who were childhood sweethearts exhibit those same behaviours in their 70s and 80s.
I appreciate the suggestion AFEH, although this "fitness test" idea seems to be much more of a practical strategy to think and frame the issues with. You could be correct that neither of us "grew up and matured", but I do think it's very unlikely that you have much justification to say that from such a short post of mine, but I will keep it in mind as a possibility.
Gamma, in your post you flunked a fitness test and you've been flunking them. When you master this, the fitness tests seem to go away or your perception of them is such that they are so funny to you that they don't really even register anymore. Posted via Mobile Device
Gamma, in your post you flunked a fitness test and you've been flunking them. When you master this, the fitness tests seem to go away or your perception of them is such that they are so funny to you that they don't really even register anymore. Posted via Mobile Device
D2H, when you say "I flunked a fitness" test what do you mean exactly? Just that I was tested to see if I'd lose control and I did, or was the test of a different nature? Thanks.
I appreciate the suggestion AFEH, although this "fitness test" idea seems to be much more of a practical strategy to think and frame the issues with. You could be correct that neither of us "grew up and matured", but I do think it's very unlikely that you have much justification to say that from such a short post of mine, but I will keep it in mind as a possibility.
You are doing seriously well. We were high school sweethearts in the 60s and reached the ripe old age of 60 and 62 or thereabouts when it all fell apart. Many reasons for that. But our conflicts were “handled” in exactly the same way as when we were teenagers.
There are other ways. You will get there and maybe fitness tests and other such things will be your way. If I could turn the clock back though the one thing I’d do is a marriage enrichment program. I passed with colours fitness tests for going on half a century. Just saying, that’s all.
There are other ways. You will get there and maybe fitness tests and other such things will be your way. If I could turn the clock back though the one thing I’d do is a marriage enrichment program. I passed with colours fitness tests for going on half a century. Just saying, that’s all.
Thanks for the extra advice. I will look into this as well, simultaneously to this "fitness test" theory.
Next TV time take a bottle of Mountian Dew and drink it down. When your W is talking intently, make eye contact and don't break it, lap up the convo. Then, whip it out and pee in the bottle. Do not put the cap back on. Prove your love.
New to marriage and need help 
