I'm not too sure what I'm asking, or what problem I'm trying to solve, other than I'm not happy with the position I'm in.
So, a little about myself. British expat living in the USA, married 6 years (wife is from here) - no kids. Of the two of us, I had the quieter life before we met - she has a much more adventurous/exploratory past. There's also an age gap - I'm 30, she's 35.
Historically I've always been the breadwinner - and pretty good at it, much further up the career tree than most at my age in the industry I'm in, but I've been careful not to let it eat my home life too much.
Over time our intimacy has really dropped off - when dating things were great, sex 1-2 times a week, but now I'm honestly lucky if its 1x a month - and initiating is utterly useless, as its guaranteed rejection. Only about 2 days before her period does she suddenly show any interest - like clockwork, and then thats it for another month.
In her past she was very sexual, experimental - nothing of that now, and utterly uninterested when I've tried to spice life up in that direction. When we do have it - sex is good - for her. She is apparently very satisfied but there is no foreplay, no teasing, its purely a 'rolls over in bed and grabs' type of affair. She's satisfied each time - I'm left with a feeling I better enjoy as that's it for another month. Hell, oral sex, which when we were dating was a regular thing, has not been on the horizon since July 2007 (from her to me - the opposite occurs often).
Physical affection of any kind is difficult - even snuggling while sleeping purely for the feeling of closeness is shrugged out of, as is a hug at any time etc...
She claims to be happy, and in our discussions about her low intimacy/drive the line tends to be that she's 'working on it' - but nothing ever changes.
In order to make life less stressful for her, I recently took on a new position, allowing her to leave her work (which she hated) and work on her writing and being a housewife (which she's always stated wanting to be). No change in things, just a general lack of effort on her part in all ways - doesn't surprise me anymore when I come home from work and she's still in Pajamas from the morning.
I try to do what I can - dress in ways I know she likes, provide, listen, clean up and do my share - in general try to be a good partner. But I dont feel like one anymore, I feel like a roommate, or her brother. She knows very well the things that I find attractive - yet never ever implements any of them - in contrast to what I try to do.
I know she has body issues - I love her regardless and make that very clear - but I know her weight bothers her. On the flip side of that, she never makes any attempt to change that, other than complaining about it.
I cant remember the last argument we had that she did not directly initiate, I'm not sure why but that always seems to be the way round that happens with her.
I'm just not sure what to do anymore really. We briefly went to MC a couple of years ago - a few interesting things came out of that, and a change for a week or two but it honestly feels like its too much effort for her, and that she is utterly comfortable with the status quo.
When the two of us have discussed this in the past, her general approach is to firstly take the 'deal with it' approach, then back up her position using articles online - usually referencing people in their 40s complete with children etc! We have *none* of these distractions or stresses, even less so now she's not working.
Like I said, I'm not sure what I'm asking or what I'm looking for - I'm lost at this point. I love her. I just don't know if I can be in this for the rest of my life with things the way they are.
Sometimes I’ve a really sneaky and suspicious mind. I reckon due to the sex pattern she just wants a baby with you. Once she has that baby I reckon she’ll push for separation and divorce and you’ll be left paying the bill every month.
You might want to play with the idea for a while that you are just her meal ticket.
Do you think your wife is depressed? What if you suggested things that would help her feel better about herself - going for walks somewhere fun, riding bikes, hiking, exploring, etc? If you feel like the effort you are making is 'really an effort' - its going to come across as such and not work out well.. sincerity is key! Its tough to look at the 'good' things when in such a rut tho.
It never ceases to amaze me how many guys will "make life easier" and/or "accede" to the wishes of their partner while their partner sexually starves them.
Why did you think it would be ok to let her "head home" instead of work without some sort of discussion about your physical intimacy?
I can rule out the baby side at least - she's stated firmly and clearly she does not want children.
I do suspect depression at least in part of this, as I've suggested similar - outdoor activites, fun active things to do - but it seems that its all too much effort for her to actually do.
We did talk about her hormones - her mother has terrible problems there, resulting in very erratic behaviour, but she claims her Dr tested that and things were within boundaries. (Although, to be honest - I'm not sure I buy that, given she sees the entire thing as a non-issue I'd be very suprised she actually brought it up to a Dr)
As for discussing before her staying at-home, we did, and she believed a lot of her inactivity in general, and intimacy in particular was due to her being overly stressed and tired from work.
Currently reading 'No More Mr Nice Guy' - and i see a lot of myself in the first chapter
We did talk about her hormones - her mother has terrible problems there, resulting in very erratic behaviour, but she claims her Dr tested that and things were within boundaries. (Although, to be honest - I'm not sure I buy that, given she sees the entire thing as a non-issue I'd be very suprised she actually brought it up to a Dr)
Many women start to encounter the erratic hormonal swings of peri-menopause (pre-menopause) in their thirties. If her mother had issues like this, it puts your wife at greater risk to having the same issues.
Unfortunately, hormonal testing can be quite ineffective. The normal ranges are very broad and it depends on a woman's cycle. One month a woman's cycle can be totally normal, and the next it can be totally messed up in peri-menopause.
Women can help these swings to some degree by working on eating correctly, taking proper vitamins, getting adequate exercise and rest. Sometimes there can be drugs that can help - low dose anti-depressants or low dose birth control pills. Perimenopause symptoms and understanding signs of hormonal change
I hope your wife will do some research in this area and consider making some lifestyle modifications that could be beneficial to her.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ExpatBrit
Currently reading 'No More Mr Nice Guy' - and i see a lot of myself in the first chapter
Many women start to encounter the erratic hormonal swings of peri-menopause (pre-menopause) in their thirties. If her mother had issues like this, it puts your wife at greater risk to having the same issues.
Unfortunately, hormonal testing can be quite ineffective. The normal ranges are very broad and it depends on a woman's cycle. One month a woman's cycle can be totally normal, and the next it can be totally messed up in peri-menopause.
Women can help these swings to some degree by working on eating correctly, taking proper vitamins, getting adequate exercise and rest. Sometimes there can be drugs that can help - low dose anti-depressants or low dose birth control pills. Perimenopause symptoms and understanding signs of hormonal change
I hope your wife will do some research in this area and consider making some lifestyle modifications that could be beneficial to her.
Keep digging in to it!
Thanks for the words of encouragement - really appreciate it!
My worry is that, at least at the moment, it seems like she really could not care less about changing things. Shes *very* happy with the status quo. From her friends who knew her before I met her - she was very different then.
We breifly looked at the low-dose birth control angle - although oddly she insists birth control pills will not work in her due to body chemistry (?? always been baffled/disbelieving of this to be honest - I've a decent background in biology, but she utterly insists. (we use an IUD instead))
Last we talked about this she expressed frustration that I don't often initiate - I don't often initiate (or rather ever anymore) due to a 100% shoot-down rate! Her take is rejection shouldn't make me feel bad.
Last we talked about this she expressed frustration that I don't often initiate - I don't often initiate (or rather ever anymore) due to a 100% shoot-down rate! Her take is rejection shouldn't make me feel bad.
That - my friend - is a fitness test.
How often have you "taken her"?
Physical intimacy isn't about timidly hoping and asking for permission. It's about making a bold move and forcing her to respond to it.
In reading these boards I am seeing quite a bit where a man is just way too nice in a relationship and the woman lacking empathy almost entirely. I think the problem is the fact that you make it all about her for so long she sees her feelings as the only valid ones. Kinda like a spoiled little kid.
After making a few changes and drilling the point I think my wife is actually begining to scratch the surface of understanding. Over the last 2 weeks she has actually asked how my day has gone twice. This may seem verry small and petty but that is the first 2 times in the last 4 years she has done so unprompted. It is not easy, but you need to drive the point home that how you feel is valid and this is what she is doing to you.
Physical intimacy isn't about timidly hoping and asking for permission. It's about making a bold move and forcing her to respond to it.
I'm not sure I follow to be honest? Forcing her to respond is going to just get a response with No/Not Now/I'm Tired/Get Off.
I can think of a literal handful of occasions where I've initiated successfully - and thats always the 'wake up on a sunday AM' type thing, not the 'throw over the kitchen table' deal.
I'm not sure I follow to be honest? Forcing her to respond is going to just get a response with No/Not Now/I'm Tired/Get Off.
I can think of a literal handful of occasions where I've initiated successfully - and thats always the 'wake up on a sunday AM' type thing, not the 'throw over the kitchen table' deal.
Have you read the marriedmansexlife blog?
Have you tried the 10 second kiss?
There are ways to let her know exactly what you want.
There are ways to let her know exactly what you want.
Reading now - I'll try the 10 second kiss and see how she responds - if at all.
I admit some skepticism as to all the 'take her' type material I've been reading in this forum - I just cant see the same approach working with my wife, rather than just pissing her off. I'm willing to try and be proven wrong however!
Pass a few fitness tests with humor and masculine mettle. You'll see the opportune moment, but you must prepare for it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ExpatBrit
Reading now - I'll try the 10 second kiss and see how she responds - if at all.
I admit some skepticism as to all the 'take her' type material I've been reading in this forum - I just cant see the same approach working with my wife, rather than just pissing her off. I'm willing to try and be proven wrong however!
Unhappy - unsure of direction 
Keep digging in to it!
