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Need advice from men I am so confused

4K views 45 replies 16 participants last post by  laroo 
#1 ·
Hello. I have been seeing a man since October and here's the short version. He is not married but is going through a custody battle for his 18 month old. To keep this short there were some other things going on and, since we met, he found out he may be going to rehab for a year.

So I am usually cool as a cucumber but I start pouring out my feelings. So I think he's gone and he texts me one night asking why I went from being crazy about seeing him to nothing and I was like..., "oh, you are home!? I thought you were gone!" So we hang out again a couple of times. He says now it is just going to be 10 months and he's leaving in a week.

So when it has almost been a week he texts me, "take care," and, "bye," and I'm like, "can I see you one more time before you go?" and he says, "no." So again...I think he's gone and start dealing with missing him and keeping myself busy.

Then last night I get a text from him that says, "I should know later in the week." and that is all he says. I respond back...., "okay, it feels so good to hear from you :)" and he says nothing. I have been listening to this relationship advice stuff and it says for women to use feeling words when talking to men so I was trying it out and feel stupid now like that was a dumb response. Like I should have said, "know what? where you are going?"

So it has been a day now...and he still hasn't responded. Now this guy is very busy and has told me he blocks everyone out...his mom...me...etc...and early on when we met he told me that he was glad when I kept texting and calling and calling him out on how he blocks me out. He says he is insecure.

But I'm confused about that last text. I guess I have been so spoiled by my last boyfriend who pretty much held a constant conversation with me ALL day though texts (compared to this). So sure maybe this guy is more distant. But do you have any idea if that last text he sent me might be followed up by something in the next day or so or do you think it sounds like he sent that text to me by accident? I asked if it was meant for me and that I felt silly for asking that but still no reply.

Wouldn't you at least respond and say, "sorry that text was meant for someone else." ? Because...if he really didn't want to hear from me would he have bothered to say, "take care," and, "bye," when he thought he was leaving?
 
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#2 · (Edited)
Wow that confused me too, are you sure he really isn't married? Why is he going to rehab for 1 year and then 10 months all why trying to get custody of his kid ?

Seems shady to me, do you know where he lives? have you met any family members? If so have you gone by his place to see if he is still there, does he have a FB page or something like that?
 
#10 ·
Oh yes I have been to his house multiple times. I regret that one of the nights his daughter was there and he invited me over I turned down the invitation. It was really late though and it was early on in our relationship so I was being cautious. I haven't driven by his place lately but I'd feel sort of like a creep doing that uninvited.

He has shown me his facebook page and I see it still and I see his family and their pages. I'm not friends though so I haven't seen any updates.
 
#3 ·
His last text was meant for someone else, not you. It sounds like an answer to a question from his mom or perhaps a friend--maybe a question about rehab. It makes no sense as a "stand alone" comment.

Either way, this sounds like a very unhealthy relationship sense he keeps cutting you off and blocking you. Plus he will be gone for the next 10 months.

Time to let this one go.
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#5 ·
Okay, I guess the only reason I doubted that was he has sent sort of random stuff before. Like if I turned down his invitations to hang out he would call and say bye or we should just be friends or he was going to come and get his stuff but as soon as he realized I was still interested he was back and involved again.

He expressed that he liked me a lot and he couldn't figure out why I liked him and said that there was nothing to love. He always apologized and said he's not good at this (relationship). I really fell for him hard and really wanted to meet his little girl and I see that he had a good upbringing and the man is is (making mistakes) is not the man he really is inside.
 
#4 ·
As sure as I can be. They had a domestic issue when she was pregnant and she left physical marks around his neck and he just lifted her back and plopped her on the couch but she was the one to call the police so he was going through that case and was on probation for it. So then I think he may have broken a rule while on probation (apparently even little things can damage the leniency they give you on probation) and is facing either jail or maybe rehab? I think he may be struggling with alcohol.

The reason there are so many maybes here is I was married once and although I am a pretty dainty girl I exuded a lot of masculine energy (I think with my head not my heart A LOT and tried to manage/run things) and I think that was part of what destroyed my marriage.

So I'm trying to do things differently now and so I didn't want this man to have to think about the hard things and things he's ashamed about so I try not to ask him too many questions. I try to just enjoy the time we have together. But now I feel like I've come across as an indifferent dumb head who doesn't care.
 
#6 ·
be careful with that. I'm not saying he definately is, but many abusers will lie and switch places with the victim when retelling to get sympathy.

so it'll go like: He's choking her, she gets her hands up and scratches his neck, he throws her on the sofa. She calls cops.

When he retells it, She scratched his neck for no reason, he throws her on the sofa in self defense, it's all a big misunderstanding/her fault

The way you are so vague about it reads like he was vague about it. Red flag.

even if she is a rare female physical abuser, and it's all true. 10 months is a long time to wait for a 1-2 month old relationship that doesn't seem like either of you are very invested.
 
#9 ·
How do you know he is not married? Have you seen a judge's signature and a court clerk's stamp on some divorce papers? How do you know she was the aggressor in the domestic violence episode? Did you read the police report or the court judgment? People lie. Even apparently great people lie. Generally, if a guy is not free to receive communication from a woman and he must be apart from her for long periods of time, but pops back up unexpectedly and briefly, there's another woman and it's probably a wife. If he's divorced there should be a divorce judgment on file with the court. There is a police report related to the Domestic violence and an affidavit that supports the arrest warrant. If he didn't assault the woman, why is he on probation? Nobody is forced to plead guilty. If there were only two people involved and he had offensive marks on his neck, the odds of a jury finding him guilty would be pretty low. If he's married or if he beats on women or violates orders of protection issued by a court, all that would be handy bits of information to know.
 
#13 ·
They got pregnant out of wedlock. He hasn't been married. I trust that. I have seen her facebook page, as well. Her first child was taken from her and is in custody of the first guy she was with. So this is her second child and the guy I have been dating is trying to get custody of his child he had with her. I have also seen the facebook of the other family who has custody of the first child.

I don't know if I can see police records but I guess what I am saying when I say I trust him is that I trust who he is today and that whatever happened in his past I trust him today. My former spouse broke glass and threw things at me and almost grabbed my neck but I know I pushed his buttons and that didn't make it okay but he's a good man and I don't think he would have ever really hurt me. We just had some major communication issues.
 
#16 ·
:( aw, well you see what I hadn't mentioned on here is all of the fun and how me cracks me up and makes me have a permanent smile. It only went downhill when he got pulled over for apparently going over a line and not using his turn signal (all hearsay from another driver who called the police which is weird in and of itself). He was just singing and dancing and being silly in the car with me but that opened a can of worms when he got pulled over and I guess I feel sort of guilty for being a part of what got him in trouble while on probation.
 
#18 ·
I guess thinking about it now...I have figured out my main problem. If a guy doesn't want to be with me it is easy for me to walk away. But when I'm not sure if it is the guy's own insecurity holding him back...and if I feel so much love for him and desire to be with him...I guess that is where I feel so confused about how much I need to reassure him.

I am guessing that the answer is going to be that I need to treat him like a man and not nurture him or reassure him. That if he doesn't feel ready for me, I cannot force it.
 
#22 ·
He could be going to jail. It was jail or rehab. I was guessing rehab because it was downgraded and the projected date kept changing but that was me assuming and I really have no idea. I was hoping rehab so he could actually get treated but...then again...some people go in and out of rehabs seemingly forever without healing.

He hasn't told me the details and I am the kind of person who wants to know everything but after my marriage where I was a know it all I was trying to let this man be a man and I was trying to just be happy with what time we had left so I wasn't asking him questions and bringing up what I knew would make him feel sad.

But now I feel like I came across as indifferent and inconsiderate for not asking him questions.
 
#24 ·
I guess I was worried that I have not been normal with him. Since my divorce I have been reading SO MUCH relationship advice and I'm afraid I'm applying the wrong rules at the wrong times.

Like I'm sitting here thinking if I reach out to him I will be giving off masculine energy and that he needs to reach out to me but he could think that I don't care and have been totally inconsiderate that I have not even asked where he is going.

Do you think it is okay if I ask?
 
#25 ·
Good relationships shouldn't be this much work. You're dating and already have to do public record searches to verify he's not an abuser. You're spending a lot of time "crafting" a text. In good relationships communication just flows in a way that's comfortable to both. There are just too many downsides to continuing to try to force this relationship to work.
 
#27 ·
It looks like you are trying to apply this new relationship information/suggestions to the wrong guy. He is not interested in being open and honest, he is not seeking communication with you. "He's not that into you."

And this time...it's not you....it's him.

This relationship is also too new to even have to have these considerations. IF this were a serious life-changing event for him, you'd think he'd sit down with his new girlfriend and explain everything, including the short-term and long-term plans. He'd provide you an address of where he will be and tell you that he hopes you will write or visit. IF it is rehab, he'd share that plan...because it's supposed to be a healing time, making his life better, making him a better man, helping him to get custody of his child. He is communicating NONE of this, which leads one to think that he is going back to jail for violating his probation.

You can do a google search.... but really, you need to cut and run. This seems to be one of those people who have sooooooooooo much drama and none of it is their fault, and you never get a straight story or a whole story.... just an all-around weirdo. And no, they don't grow out of that.

Walk away. You haven't invested enough time into this relationship for it to be too serious. Let it go, and move on.

Edited to add: Keep dating....the whole idea of dating is to find someone you are compatible with. Someone who "gets" you and loves you for who you are. BE YOURSELF. If you have a strong personality, there a tons of guys who love that trait. You don't have to tone yourself down for some guy. Be strong, be independent.... and look for a mate who can appreciate that.
 
#31 ·
Well I was attracted to him before the chaos ensued. But the drama has somehow drawn me closer in. And I feel like I have fallen in love with his daughter who he has just shown me pictures of. I guess I have some of my own issues.

Before I was divorced I was pregnant but it turned out to not be alive (if you've seen the movie Marley and Me it was that kind of moment when you don't see the heartbeat after you were told you were pregnant). So the baby would have been about the same age as his little girl is now. I guess I'm at a point where I don't know if I will be having a kid myself (I just turned 35) and in a way I have decided I'd prefer not to go through that with my body and I just wanted to be his girl and be his little girl's mommy so much!

He initially invited me to church and to meet his daughter and I was holding back but then all of a sudden I just had that feeling like I knew it was right and I decided that this was what I wanted. His insecurity gave me even more desire to show him he is worthy of love he seemed so pleased with me and that felt good. He made me laugh so much and he sings and dances like I only do when nobody is watching. But he often said sorry for no reason and asked if I was mad at him when I wasn't like he was re-living trauma from the past.

But anyway...right after I was ready to jump in this chaos ensued and here I am.
 
#30 ·
HOLY CRAP, WAKE UP!!! Everyone keeps telling you that this is no good and to let it go, and you just keep on and on about how you should have done something different! The only thing you SHOULD do is to GET THIS MAN OUT OF YOUR LIFE!! He is worthless!!
 
#32 ·
He basically told me he is worthless by saying there is nothing to love about him.

Where does that leave the girl who feels love for him and wants to love him? When he says there is nothing about him to love is he really just telling me nicely to go away?

This is the second insecure guy I've been with in a row who tells me that I deserve this and that...that I deserve a guy who gives me flowers every day and a guy who is jacked and stacked...whatever that means. Apparently I give off a lot of sexual energy and guys don't think they satisfy me when really I just want to be plain and simple and have a good man!

I married someone who was jacked and stacked and egotistical and took pictures of himself in the mirror and we are divorced now and he treated me like crap. I know what I want so how come the past two NORMAL guys I have dated have told me they think they know what I need and they don't feel good enough?
 
#33 ·
:( aw, well you see what I hadn't mentioned on here is all of the fun and how me cracks me up and makes me have a permanent smile. It only went downhill when he got pulled over for apparently going over a line and not using his turn signal (all hearsay from another driver who called the police which is weird in and of itself). He was just singing and dancing and being silly in the car with me but that opened a can of worms when he got pulled over and I guess I feel sort of guilty for being a part of what got him in trouble while on probation.
laroo, you asked for manly advice.

Here is some.

1) Guys who are going into rehab are poor choices for having a healthy relationship with. They are low quality men. You know who date low quality men? Low quality women.

Don't be a woman of low quality.

2) Guys who are going to jail are poor choices for having a healthy relationship with. They are low quality men. You know who date low quality men? Low quality women.

Don't be a woman of low quality.

3) Guys who are either going to jail or rehab, but won't tell you which one, are also dishonest and manipulative, in addition to being low quality men. You know who date low quality, lying, manipulative men? Low quality women who have low self esteem and make bad choices in life.

Don't be one of those women.

4) Guys who are going through custody battles for their 18-month old babies with the baby-mommas that they didn't actually marry in the first place are..... Hmmmm.

Let's see. He lacks the self control to prevent an unwanted pregnancy. He lacks the strength of character to marry the woman he is willing to get pregnant. He lacks the stability to maintain the relationship after birth, such that 18 months later, he is in a custody battle for the child. He lacks the intelligence to know that the legal system is not going to give him custody of the child over the mother. He lacks the foresight to take all the steps necessary to avoid being accused of domestic violence and hauled off to jail. Or, even worse, he actually DID assault his baby momma, and is being punished appropriately.

That you apparently can't be in the middle of all this and make these observations yourself should scare the sh!t out of you.

I think it's really nice that ya'll have a fun time when you're together. It's great that he can sing and dance and almost drive straight all at the same time.

People don't get arrested for driving sober and swerving across a traffic line. He got pulled over because he was drunk and acting stupid and it showed in his driving.

All of this, taken together, "confuses" you.

There's a very simple reason that all of this is confusing you.

I actually covered it back up in point 3 above. You really don't want to be the kind of woman that you're on track to become.

Get some counseling and some education. Find a better man to have a relationship with. It's harder work than dating drunken violent criminals, but you will have a better life for it, in the long term.
 
#34 ·
Wow. Thank you. That all made me laugh and then almost cry from the beginning to the end. In his defense his daughter's mom already lost custody of her first child with someone else and she has a drug problem so I don't think he was nuts trying to rescue his daughter.

Your advice has struck a chord with me. And yes I have felt like a lunatic and totally out of my head ever since he got arrested that night. When I want something I am used to getting it (and that is awful but I have been learning that about myself...and I'm not pleased realizing it) but I guess part of my struggle is having to let go when I thought this was going to be my next stage in life. I'm a control freak.
 
#42 ·
Rehab my ass, he's going to the pokey for 10 months. He thought it was for a year (probably what his lawyer told him) then he actually got sentenced to 10 months.

PLEASE. Let this one go. I was in a physically abusive relationship with a man who told me the same things your man told you. I wanted to help him. Boy, was that ever to my own detriment. I left him 4 years ago and im still asking myself why I stayed so long. Because I wanted to help him. Im telling you, it's NOT worth it. I know you're thinking, "but the love of a good woman . . ." DON'T believe the hype!

I say this with not a harsh tone but with respect, but what makes you think you're qualified to help him? His problems are far bigger than you. It'll be a soul suck like you've never lived. He will bring you to a low level of living. You'll end up asking yourself, how the fvck did I get here?! Trust me on this.

Sweetheart, let someone else fix him. Find someone else with waaaay less baggage.
 
#43 ·
Rehab my ass, he's going to the pokey for 10 months. He thought it was for a year (probably what his lawyer told him) then he actually got sentenced to 10 months.
Ahh yeah haha the pokey. He said it could be one or the other but hadn't said if he knew yet. I think he's leaving me alone. He's not the kind who wants to keep me waiting around. He's a good guy at heart...has great parents/family/upbringing and he knows better...he's just struggling/broken with alcohol mainly I think. I really hope if he does have to go away that he'll get through this and come out on top, stronger, a better man and back on track.

I followed some advice on here and looked up the court cases. I never doubted him but everything he said is legit. It looks like he has another trial this Friday and may be trying to dismiss the charges against him so I'll be thinking about him but...like I said...I am figuring our relationship is over. He has not reached out to me in almost a week and that message seemed to be an accidental text to me anyway.

Thank you so much for the encouragement and the advice. I really would jump right in and be that woman full of heart and love but you are so right...I'm not qualified to fix anyone so I need to at least take a step back and have some expectations of my own.
 
#45 ·
Let this guy go and move on.

You can do better than a guy who's possibly married, getting custody issues sorted out and going to rehab.

Find a man who has none of this going on. Like a guy who's single, works, on his own (rents or owns), and takes care of himself.

Many out there you know. Why settle for this headache?
 
#46 ·
I can't even explain it myself. I've walked away from men multiple times before. Something in my heart just hooked on to this one and I went nuts. Maybe the divorce and then a fairly recent breakup from my first real post-divorce relationship might have me misjudging things and not trusting my own instincts (or pushing them down and wanting love to conquer everything).

I think what got me super clingy was that he said he blocks people out and he told me to push him and call him and text him but I took it way too far thinking that every time he was quiet I needed to approach him and message him and call him and I went way overboard and...naturally...probably freaked even him (the insecure dude) out.

When it was getting close to the day he was going to leave for 10 months I asked if we could see each other one more time before he left. He said no. I wish I had just been silent after he said no. Instead I was like, "why..?" It was a text conversation. Have I ever mentioned how much I CAN'T STAND TEXTING when it is about feelings and relationship things that really need the sound of a voice or looking into someone's eyes to really understand?

So today I wrote him an email just to sort of finalize it. Not that I wouldn't welcome him back if he reached out but I just probably wanted to clear my conscience over how I was acting like a needy child and wish him well. I am going to guess that this email to him wasn't necessary and probably lame of me to even bother writing but I can honestly say I wasn't sending it to try to get a response or to get him back into my life so I think it was okay that I sent it. Do you think this sounds okay and considerate?

It might seem weird that I ask if it sounds considerate but as I said earlier in this thread...I have been reading so much relationship advice that I feel like my behavior with this guy has been so weird and almost fake and sheltered because I was too worried about doing everything right that I probably came off as indifferent about him as a person. I guess I don't even trust my own words.

Here is what I wrote. Do I totally come across as a crazy girl? I've never been that girl before but I transformed and turned into a lunatic with this guy!

Dear (man),

I feel disconnected and want to send my thoughts your way. I am sorry that when you said, "bye," that I didn't listen and kept pressing on when you said, "no."

It felt so good getting to know you. I think of you a lot and smile. I hope you do amazing in everything you are facing. All you do is win!

Duh...

xo


(me)
 
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