If she's mentally pushing you out the door, that isn't the point to have an affair, that's the point to separate from her and possibly divorce her.
Consider: marriage goes bad because of her, then you cheat. then divorce happens, whose fault is it? Always going to be yours, even if she "pushed" you into it with her actions.
Consider better scenario: marriage goes bad because of her, then you file for legal separation or file for divorce. No affair. In which case, the break is clean unless there are children involved and people close to you know the story.
I had one opportunity to cheat on my ex and as bad as my marriage was at the time, I refused to pursue it because I wanted to be able to say I kept my vows to the end even if there was no working it out with the ex. I'd do it that way again: if a relationship or marriage is bad enough to make me seriously look over her shoulder, it's bad enough that I need to consider leaving if she's not going to meet me halfway.
my next door neighbor and i went fishing alot. you hear alot of things about peoples life when your on a boat together all day. they are quite religious and it is against their religion to divorce for any reason other than infidelity. he told me that his wife was trying to freeze him out, trying to get him to have an affair so she would have grounds for divorcing him. she actually said it in a counseling session in front of him.
he steadfastly refused to have an affair, said he wouldnt give into her or break the "laws" of his religion. he got transferred to another state a few years back, she and the daughters still live next door. i rarely see him at home anymore. she got what she wanted more or less as im guessing he doesnt come home because its just too stressful around the house.
do you think some men force there women to have emocional affairs?
nobody is forced BUT when someone man or women are in a situation where they have tried to comunicate maybe for years about their needs not being met adiqutely. the indifference could set them up to be week and if a situations comes around where someone else seems to want to meet their needs (weather physical or emitional) then infedility is a real consern or maybe even unstoppable.
if you want to keep your dog out of the garbage then its best to keep him/her well fed.
it amazes
me how many people neglect their spouce and then wonder why they strayed.
don't get me wrong theres always the kind of person who cheats just because their morals/charachter is flawed.
but it seems to me the majority of people on this particular furm are here because they tried everything in the book to comunicate their needs and it all fall on deaf ears. so I can certanily understand someone in a week state of mind falling to temptation. espically after starving for a long time.
Chilly, you are spot on. A lot of times people will try to their partner that something is wrong and said partner keeps blowing them off. It happened in my marriage. Can't tell you how many times I asked him to go to MC with me and he refused vehemently. I would literally cry sometimes in front of him saying something needed to change and he'd look at me and just walk away.
While I can agree with the spirit of your statement, chilly, it still comes down to the cheating spouse making a choice to cheat. They could have chosen to end the marriage after that extended period of their needs not being met and pleas for change falling on deaf ears. Cheating wasn't the only available option...simply the one they opted for. Posted via Mobile Device
Yes, there are some women that drive their husbands up a wall, but that still does not give them a green light to cheat. I think that some men marry women just for their looks or out of desperation...not really getting to know them well at all before marriage, and then they wonder why their marriage didn't work out.
If your marriage isn't working, then end it the right way...not by cheating.
While I can agree with the spirit of your statement, chilly, it still comes down to the cheating spouse making a choice to cheat. They could have chosen to end the marriage after that extended period of their needs not being met and pleas for change falling on deaf ears. Cheating wasn't the only available option...simply the one they opted for. Posted via Mobile Device
agreed they decided in a weakened state after years of neglect.
the people on here that say..........
Well you should have just divorced before you cheated. are missing the boat so to speak.
there are a ton of reason someone decides to stay in a poor marriage.
1.kids at least I think children are better off with 2 parents living together in a stable inviroment and keeping their standard of living the same as oposed to divorce which oftern creats a finanical short fall. (stable enviorment if there is strife of any sort then disregard)
2.after you have a lot invested not all people have the courage and or strength to pick up and leave. not being a part of you kids life EVERYDAY and seeing how it effects them would be much more difficult too many parents.
3.remember they might not have had plans to actually cheat they might have thought they would be able to fend off any advances from the oppisite sex..
4.they might be ever hopfull that things will eventually turn around and get better.
and then in your weakend state of mind after all your comunicating and efforts were ignored. a situation that you did not plan happens and someone gives you some attention that you have needed and it kinda happens.
and then the spouce that was cheated on say I can't belive they cheated on me .
I think most affares happen this way.and it amazes me that the spouce that neglected or ignored is suprised by it.
Yes, there are some women that drive their husbands up a wall, but that still does not give them a green light to cheat. I think that some men marry women just for their looks or out of desperation...not really getting to know them well at all before marriage, and then they wonder why their marriage didn't work out.
If your marriage isn't working, then end it the right way...not by cheating.
in a perfect world this would be best.
lot of people change after marriage. men and women alike can sometimes not show their true idenity while they are n't married yet.
Sexual deceit is likely the most common type of blatant chronic deception/lying in modern American marriages.
I really had no idea exactly where my W was mentally/emotionally the night she said to me "out of the blue", that and this is a direct quote: "she could not imagine having to have sex with me for another 15-20 years".
I thought she liked having sex with me. Really. And we have always had what "for me" was a good/great sex life. So I was astonished by her remarks. I slept on it for a night and then in the interest of fairness I was totally honest with her. Told her celibacy was a non-starter for me. Preserving the marriage was my primary goal. Pressuring her for sex was not acceptable to me either. So I told her I would find a playmate and remove all pressure for her to have sex with me.
I have a whole long thread on this. The summary of this "event" was that she realized her desire for me to NOT have sexual contact with another woman was FAR greater than her desire NOT to have sex with me. But that was her decision to make, not mine.
This was neither easy nor painless for either of us. Then again I have a very simple view of this. It is not acceptable for either person to say "I don't want you but no one else can have you".
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Originally Posted by PBear
As someone who cheated on their spouse, I'd agree with Grayson's post. No matter how bad the marriage is (sexless, checked out, even abusive), a spouse has the option to leave the marriage rather than cheat.
Having said that, I think that in many (definitely not all or even most) a spouse can create an environment where a spouse doesn't feel like they have any other good choices. Like they have to stay together for the kids, for financial reasons, family pressures, etc. And in those cases, having an affair can seem like the best way to hold the relationship together and still have their needs met. I would think, though, that most cheating spouses could look back and wish they'd never made that decision. Even if they didn't get caught.
Sexual deceit is likely the most common type of blatant chronic deception/lying in modern American marriages.
I really had no idea exactly where my W was mentally/emotionally the night she said to me "out of the blue", that and this is a direct quote: "she could not imagine having to have sex with me for another 15-20 years".
I thought she liked having sex with me. Really. And we have always had what "for me" was a good/great sex life. So I was astonished by her remarks. I slept on it for a night and then in the interest of fairness I was totally honest with her. Told her celibacy was a non-starter for me. Preserving the marriage was my primary goal. Pressuring her for sex was not acceptable to me either. So I told her I would find a playmate and remove all pressure for her to have sex with me.
I have a whole long thread on this. The summary of this "event" was that she realized her desire for me to NOT have sexual contact with another woman was FAR greater than her desire NOT to have sex with me. But that was her decision to make, not mine.
This was neither easy nor painless for either of us. Then again I have a very simple view of this. It is not acceptable for either person to say "I don't want you but no one else can have you".
I don't get preserving the marriage at all costs. She doesn't want sex? Divorce. I know I should have done it years ago instead of "preserving" my marriage.
Worst mistake I ever made. Well that and saying I do.
I think people get so wrapped up in keeping the family together that they fail to notice that the kids aren't fools and know what is going on.
Bright,
I happen to agree with you. I said my "primary" goal was preserving the marriage not my "sole" goal was preservation.
And what I really meant by that was I was willing to have a sexless marriage (at least temporarily) but I was not willing to be sexless.
I think the HUGE mistake people make is they decide to "give their partner time by sitting around suffering while their partner ignores how rejected they feel". Typically the refuser in that scenario never changes. Why should they. Their partner is accepting the situation.
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Originally Posted by Therealbrighteyes
I don't get preserving the marriage at all costs. She doesn't want sex? Divorce. I know I should have done it years ago instead of "preserving" my marriage.
Worst mistake I ever made. Well that and saying I do.
I think people get so wrapped up in keeping the family together that they fail to notice that the kids aren't fools and know what is going on.
I think the HUGE mistake people make is they decide to "give their partner time by sitting around suffering while their partner ignores how rejected they feel".
I agree though this is applicable to more than sex...same thing can happen with emotional needs being rejected and etc.
agreed they decided in a weakened state after years of neglect.
the people on here that say..........
Well you should have just divorced before you cheated. are missing the boat so to speak.
there are a ton of reason someone decides to stay in a poor marriage.
Agreed, there are. None of them require cheating.
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1.kids at least I think children are better off with 2 parents living together in a stable inviroment and keeping their standard of living the same as oposed to divorce which oftern creats a finanical short fall. (stable enviorment if there is strife of any sort then disregard)
I would say that a life of cheating and lying does create strife and tension, and certainly does not make for a stable environment, nor does it provide a good example to lead the children's development by.
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2.after you have a lot invested not all people have the courage and or strength to pick up and leave. not being a part of you kids life EVERYDAY and seeing how it effects them would be much more difficult too many parents.
Completely understandable. Still doesn't require cheating.
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3.remember they might not have had plans to actually cheat they might have thought they would be able to fend off any advances from the oppisite sex..
I'll get back to this in a moment, as it ties in to a later statement you made.
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4.they might be ever hopfull that things will eventually turn around and get better.
Which, again, does not require cheating.
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and then in your weakend state of mind after all your comunicating and efforts were ignored. a situation that you did not plan happens and someone gives you some attention that you have needed and it kinda happens.
And here's where I'll pick up on point 3 above, as well.
I can, to a point, understand how a situation can spiral out of control into an EA (although only to a point), but I steadfastly refuse to buy into the "it just kinda happens" excuse, particularly where it applies to a PA. It doesn't "just kinda happen" that you kiss someone. It doesn't "just kinda happen" that you take your clothes off. It doesn't "just kinda happen" that a male organ is inserted into a female organ. That's quite far afield of the somewhat understandable snowball effect of an EA. Those are all conscious decisions that the cheater makes. They may be influenced by the situation at home, by raging hormones, or anything else, but it's still a choice that they make.
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and then the spouce that was cheated on say I can't belive they cheated on me .
Without a doubt, some betrayed spouses can be oblivious to the state of the relationship that led the cheating spouse to their decision, but that doesn't excuse the cheating, nor does it equate to them "forcing" their spouse to cheat.
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one size dosn't fit all.
True, all relationships are not identical. And, both partners generally play a role in the condition of the relationship. But the betrayed spouse bears zero responsibility for their spouse's decision to cheat. Posted via Mobile Device
Cheating is never ok. And neglecting your spouse isn't conducive to producing a healthy marriage either.
The decision to cheat lays squarely on the shoulders of the disloyal. 100%. If one spouse has been neglectful, that blame lays squarely with them. Especially if the other person has told them repeatedly what is not ok with them/what they need/that the marriage needs help.
Re: do you think some women force a man to cheat 
