please reread my posts I never said equally or even hint at that.
I stated bares a bit of the responsibility.or some of the responsibility.
if my writing or lack of it confused you I apoligise.
but don't put words that I didn't say.
As I've said, I can wholeheartedly agree that a neglectful spouse certainly bears responsibility for the neglect and the state of the marriage.
I can't, however, agree that even the most neglectful spouse on the planet bears a single iota of responsibility for their partner's decision to cheat.
We're all responsible for our own actions, and while those actions and decisions may be lousy and contribute to someone else making a lousy decision, that second someone is responsible for their own actions. Nothing that requires a conscious decision "just kinda happens." Like in my earlier example, my wife might be responsible for our car becoming a piece of junk, and that might certainly influence me to steal a better car, and I may he hacked off at her for letting our car get that way, but stealing the car is all on me...she's not responsible for my decision, even if she's responsible for the situation that led me to that decision.
And, before I forget, thanks for the clarification. :-) Posted via Mobile Device
As I've said, I can wholeheartedly agree that a neglectful spouse certainly bears responsibility for the neglect and the state of the marriage.
I can't, however, agree that even the most neglectful spouse on the planet bears a single iota of responsibility for their partner's decision to cheat.
I am pretty sure everyone on here agrees with the fact that a cheater is responsible for cheating.
As I've said, I can wholeheartedly agree that a neglectful spouse certainly bears responsibility for the neglect and the state of the marriage.
I can't, however, agree that even the most neglectful spouse on the planet bears a single iota of responsibility for their partner's decision to cheat.
We're all responsible for our own actions, and while those actions and decisions may be lousy and contribute to someone else making a lousy decision, that second someone is responsible for their own actions. Nothing that requires a conscious decision "just kinda happens." Like in my earlier example, my wife might be responsible for our car becoming a piece of junk, and that might certainly influence me to steal a better car, and I may he hacked off at her for letting our car get that way, but stealing the car is all on me...she's not responsible for my decision, even if she's responsible for the situation that led me to that decision.
And, before I forget, thanks for the clarification. :-) Posted via Mobile Device
your opinion about this subject is very narrow minded techinacaly you are correct in your statement that the cheater is responsible for their actions.
but if you go over to the coping with infadility board theres an awsome thread about why people cheat.
if you talk to a marriage counsler they will also tell you that the neglector/ignorer dose indead bare some of the responsibility for the events that lead up to someone cheating.
is it wrong to cheat because your spouce is neglecting/ignoring your pleas to make a better effort to their spouces needs. sure it is but you would be foolish to think that it can't happen to you.a lot of the people who cheat never in a million years thought they would.
you never know how your going to act until your in the situation yourself.
and each situation is different. how many kids do you have,how old are they ,how much money are you going to loss,who get the dog and house ,
its very easy to take the stance that the cheater is always the bad guy. but in my opinion the neglector/ignorer really has there head up their a$$ for not paying attention and realising the it takes 2 for a marriage to work.
some people just ani't strong enough or their fed up enough or at some point they even might hope to get caught so it finally ends their marriage but a wise person would want to know that this happens a lot and to portect yourself from it you should be a good partner or this might happen to you.
its just the way it is and to burry your head in the sand and say they should have divorced first is just not realistic thinking satisticaly.
but hey if it works for you then great I'm more of a realist and know that it happens and will keep that in the back of my mind as a reminder to try my best to comunicate my needs and to listen to my wifes needs to try to insulate something like this happening in my marriage.
There are mitigating circumstances for some who commit adultery. And these mitigating circumstances should be taken into account when punishment is administered by the loyal spouse and most certainly during the time of reconciliation if indeed that happens. It’s the mitigating circumstances that the loyal spouse should learn most from and do something about should they wish to remain in the marriage.
i just cannot believe that any married person who basically creates the sexless scenario would be so stupid as to not know what the potential consequences are. do people who go off sex really believe that their partner is ok with that and can adjust from what was to what is? is it a game, i think in many cases it is, has to be.
As I've said, I can wholeheartedly agree that a neglectful spouse certainly bears responsibility for the neglect and the state of the marriage.
I can't, however, agree that even the most neglectful spouse on the planet bears a single iota of responsibility for their partner's decision to cheat.
Grayson, to me a less biased version of this is written as this:
A neglectful spouse bears responsibility for the neglect and its effects on the marriage.
A cheating, neglected spouse bears responsibility for the cheating and its effects on the marriage.
The neglectful spouse is entirely responsible for the neglect, and setting up fertile grounds for the cheating to occur. The cheating spouse is entirely responsible for the cheating.
And if you want to be ever more fair, you'd probably have to consider that the neglectful spouse may have been emotionally abandoned, which caused her to withdraw. Maybe she let herself go physically, which was important to the husband and therefore caused him to drift emotionally from her. Maybe she let herself go because... etc.
And if you want to be ever more fair, you'd probably have to consider that the neglectful spouse may have been emotionally abandoned, which caused her to withdraw. Maybe she let herself go physically, which was important to the husband and therefore caused him to drift emotionally from her. Maybe she let herself go because... etc.
i agree, there are infinite scenarios that could be at play. i certainly understand that there are valid reasons for any spouse to stop intimacy with the other. i guess i sometimes assume that in general the HD spouse hasnt really done anything traumatic to affect things (abuse, substance, ect)
i just cannot believe that any married person who basically creates the sexless scenario would be so stupid as to not know what the potential consequences are. do people who go off sex really believe that their partner is ok with that and can adjust from what was to what is? is it a game, i think in many cases it is, has to be.
I think in many cases the game is called Passive Aggression. It’s kind of “Revenge By Withholding.”
And then surprise surprise after a few or maybe many years, the marriage collapses because the things being withheld are what the spouse needed to actually feel loved whereas it turns out they’ve actually been deliberately neglected. And if the spouse discovers that it’s all been calculated, deliberate then all hell is let lose and the marriage is blown apart never to recover.
OOOK now you'll hear from an old Fart . DONT ,she'll nail your ass to the wall . If theres children theyll become colladeral damage. If shes looking to get out thats just what shell want to do . Like ive said they know men are crazy for sex so the first thing they do is a BJ to lock your butt in . Been there done that
i wont let her have that card ,then your the bad guy . NOT Geo
I think in many cases the game is called Passive Aggression. It’s kind of “Revenge By Withholding.”
And then surprise surprise after a few or maybe many years, the marriage collapses because the things being withheld are what the spouse needed to actually feel loved whereas it turns out they’ve actually been deliberately neglected. And if the spouse discovers that it’s all been calculated, deliberate then all hell is let lose and the marriage is blown apart never to recover.
You summed up my marriage with this paragraph. Still never cheated though.
You summed up my marriage with this paragraph. Still never cheated though.
I find it very very sad. Two people in love with one another and yet there’s one consciously and deliberately hurting the other by withholding what the other needs to feel loved. By knowingly neglecting their spouse, their chosen lifetime partner, they get their revenge for things that happened in the past.
And then there’s their partner, always by their side trying to love them and trying to get love back in return. But the love doesn’t deepen and grow, instead it becomes brittle and breaks, smashes.
And all for the sake of not forgiving. That’s all it takes, forgiveness, for love to blossom, grow and mature in the way it should do, in the way things were meant to be between two people who have selected one another as their lifetime partners, until death us do part and all that.
But some people will never ever forgive. I pity those people and the people who love them.
And then there’s their partner, always by their side trying to love them and trying to get love back in return. But the love doesn’t deepen and grow, instead it becomes brittle and breaks, smashes..
After being rejected countless times, that love turns to ambivalence.
And you are correct, it is very very sad. Soul crushing.
i just cannot believe that any married person who basically creates the sexless scenario would be so stupid as to not know what the potential consequences are.
I agree with this also when a spouse emotionally neglects their spouse.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Acorn
A neglectful spouse bears responsibility for the neglect and its effects on the marriage.
A cheating, neglected spouse bears responsibility for the cheating and its effects on the marriage.
Excellent summary!
Quote:
Originally Posted by AFEH
And then there’s their partner, always by their side trying to love them and trying to get love back in return. But the love doesn’t deepen and grow, instead it becomes brittle and breaks, smashes.
But some people will never ever forgive. I pity those people and the people who love them.
ITA. This sums up my marriage. I had an affair. He was gone emotionally. I felt like I was in a relationship all by myself. I hated coming home from work, I'd delay as much as I could. He refused MC the 100x I offered it, he refused to talk about problems "talking isn't going to help," he refused me the human basic decency of speaking words to me for sometimes, days/weeks at time. I would literally be crying in front of him, and he'd walk right by me. That is no way to live. Was it right to have an affair? No. Was I starved for any sort of affection/emotional connection? Yes. The day I moved out, he had not spoken a word to be in 1.5 month. Imagine a house full of silence. The silence was defeaning.
I will always regret my A. And I am not perfect either. I could have been a better wife. I could done a lot of things differently. I was always willing to meet him halfway. He was not. He cheated as well. But to this day, nothing he did hurt me more than his deliberate stonewalling/silence. It cut me like a knife in the middle of my heart.
Re: do you think some women force a man to cheat 
