@Jonny Be Confused
400 to 600 dollars a month for mushrooms? what is she buying, wild collected cordyceps sinensis?
regardless, the cancer thing sounds like her trying to get sympathy, a way to pull you back in so that she can diminish the fear of being abandoned. a plea, "please dont look at my behavior, look at this terrible illness, please love me". of course, if its a false fear, one used to pull you back in, then she will not be able to keep up the charade for long and will resent herself, and in turn you, for it.
she knows she has messed up. if she is pulling away now, so quickly, then your marriage is probably going to end soon, unless you can find a way to change things. at this point, she probably doesn't believe that you could love her, and she knows that trying to push for the relationship is grasping at straws. she knows you are on the way out and she is grabbing at whatever she can to keep you there.
the question you have to ask yourself is if you are willing to try and change your dynamic, or if you would rather just get a divorce and cut your losses. changing requires more work and dedication, because you will have to change the way you do things too. you will have to change the way you act, portray yourself, etc. at times, you will have to act like certain things don't bother you at all when they really do, and at others you will have to act like certain things bother you when they really don't. the goal is to find a way to motivate your wife to act in a more productive way, just the same as you have to in order to deal with her outbursts and verbal abuse.
at times, you will have to use her fear of abandonment, her fear of being exposed, her desires for the passionate reconciliations that BPDers are so well known for, etc. all of it is oriented at getting her to act appropriately regardless of how she feels
she will likely not believe that you are serious at first because the change will be seemingly out of nowhere. the quickest way to convince her that you ARE serious is to simply do everything you say you will do, and state what you will do often and accurately. for instance, if you are upset with her, tell her that you are upset with her and will not speak to her until you calm down. and that you will check in every 30 minutes to let her know whether you have calmed down or not. or, do the same if SHE is the one who cannot calm down. tell her that you will refuse to speak to her until she calms down, and you will check in every 30 minutes to see if she has.
she will likely do whatever she can to sabotage your efforts at first. for instance, if you tell her that you will check in with her every 30 minutes, she may make herself unavailable. just let her know that you will make one attempt to check in and then you will wait another half hour. after three or four attempts, you will stop trying to engage with her.
the point is, do not give her the option of controlling your actions unless it is on your terms. by all means, give her a way to talk to you again, and give her a way to "make it right" between the two of you, but make sure that it is something that you can actually accept. its her choice to do it or not. YOU cannot afford to go back on your word. if you say you will do something, do it, even if it scares you.
her verbal abuse is causing you to consider leaving her. for that reason, she needs to experience the fear of being abandoned by you EVERY single time she decides to verbally abuse you. that doesnt mean that you actually have to leave her. simply telling her you will leave for an hour and refusing to engage her for said hour will likely be enough to hit on that fear of abandonment. do this a few times and your wife will likely be the one walking off in order to calm down rather than you walking away. that would be a step in the right direction because she would then have to calm herself down, something she apparently doesn't do much.
when i first started up with all this, we would have arguments that often lasted several days, with her going back and forth between trying to love bomb me, act like nothing was wrong, or scream out in anger, throw stuff, etc. i would not tell her we were "good" until she apologized for her behavior. for her to apologize meant that she did something "bad", a hard thing for her to accept at the time because she believed that "bad" people get abandoned. they aren't worth love. only "bad people" do bad things, and if she had done something bad, then she must be a bad person.
i had no hope of getting her to really open up to me until she understood that she could fvck up and i would still love her. she couldn't believe me when i said i still loved her because nobody else in her life had every stuck with her through it. they had all used, abused, and abandoned her at some point.
your wife probably really hates herself, or at least she would, if she could stomach the thought of looking at herself. looking at herself is probably the most terrifying thing she could ever do. if she did, she would see that she does bad things, and would know she is a "bad person". and that means that she is unworthy of love. scary stuff, no?
but that's a fallacy...
anyway, carry a VAR. regardless if you want to stay married or not, carry a VAR. it is a vital tool for both paths. i have recorded more interactions between my wife and i than i care to count. having them prevented her from being able to do the easy thing of rewriting history, and forced her to accept the truth of her own behavior. she is a joy to me, she really is. i couldn't be more proud of her growth and progress...