So I'm dating someone, after exiting an 18year marriage. I think my stbxw and I talked abou sex once outside of the bedroom, and she would never express any likes, fantasies, etc. Although I must confess to not taking enough contol of that, so i have plenty of blame there.
My GF and I started off with a "physical" relationship, so sex was always a conversation topic. And to be honest, that same openness has carried over to virtually every other area. It's been an eye opening experience, for sure.
Married 29 years and we talk about what works and what doesn't, what we want to try, and what we want the other to do a lot.
It's the only way...
Thanks mate....I guess I am looking for hints and tips on where, when, how..? I attempted once many years ago..we were on a walk and I just talked about sex being important to me as we weren't getting much....
Never really had the courage to talk specifics...?
Yes there are. Married 20 years and this works for me and my wife. She connects with me a little more then twice a week (in year 20, when we were at the 5 year point it was closer 4 times a week). Our sex life has kept us bonded at a very high level.
The stuff below works WAY better than a conversation and it is not awkward.
We play two different types of games
1. "better one/better two" with a full body massage and/or foreplay.
2. "I touch / you touch"
The first is a "pleasure mapping" game. Do 2 slightly different things:
1. a light scratch up and down her spine (and say "better 1?")
2. medium pressure palm up and down her spine ("or better 2")
And she says better 1, and you do some variant on 1. She can also say "tied" if she really like both.
And play around with different stuff fingers, palms, finger nails, etc. Speed, pressure, direction: vertical, horizontal, diagonal.
This is a fun game and teaches you in a nice way how they best like to be touched.
I touch you touch is this:
You have her give you exactly the massage she wants you to give her. And right after she finishes you show you learned the lesson by echoing it back at her.
This can work for kissing - I kiss/you kiss. And at risk of being overly graphic - she can do this I touch/you touch thing using one of your nipples as a proxy for her joy button.
FYI: I consider myself very very skilled at this game after playing for 2 decades. Still my wife is the sensei. She is able to massage the very center of my palm with her fingers - and the ball of my foot with her fingers - and by doing EITHER of those things she can make me totally hard. Lots of nerves in your hands/feet so massaging someone elses hands and feet can be very erotic for them.
I have a great sex life with my wife, we've discussed fantasies and do a bit of role play, we've been very open about our past and we both acknowledge that regular sex is a healthy sign in a relationship. I must say though, one thing that has helped my wife be a little more comfortable with expressing her likes and dislikes is things like text message or instant message (or of course alcohol).
At times we have instant messaged on Skype and i've asked if she would like this or that and she's always more open than she would be if i talked about it over dinner.
We always talk about sex, and from time to time she keeps teasing me about doing a few fantasies of hers on me (she likes turning men into meatbags it seems), involving a strap-on. She forfilled one of her fantasies on me without my consent years ago and put me in so much pain I banned handcuffs/restraints forever (it involved a leather restraint on the pee pee)
Her fantasies scares the living hell outta me... sometimes ignorance is bliss ya know!
Yes we do. Married 34 years together for 36; We talk about what feels good to each, what we would like to try and what type fantasies we enjoy.
My wife was very conservative and didnt talk much about those things until I introduced her to the Tiffany Granath show on Srius xm radio. After listen to that show together she began to open up and talk about anything and everything sexual with me. She even told me a one point that that show loosened her up and made her feel like it was ok to talk about these things with your SO.
I thought I knew everything about her after 36 years but now I feel like I am rediscovering her and learning new things about her. I find that exciting and new.
I wish my husband would be open to talking about it. I'm open to it but just don't know how to approach the topic without him getting irritated. He has talked about it with me once but mainly over why I wasn't like ____ or whatever. It was over the phone when we were still dating.
Find a time when you are both relaxed and calm. We like Friday night dinners with wine, lazy Sunday mornings, and vacations are great for being away from every day stresses. Massages are good too because she will be relaxed and receptive to sexual talk.
Touch her arm lightly, and say you have been wondering what she finds arousing. Focus on getting her to say what she likes, and only then say what you find exciting.
Keep the tone light and playful. Emphasize that your connect emotionally to her through sex. Some women think men only want to get off while they want to feel close emotionally to their husband.
Like anything else, the more you do this the easier it will become, so keep talking about this. So important for a healthy marriage!
My husband and I talked about our likes and dislikes on our 4th date. Had to get that out of the way Thankfully, like I suspected, we are interested in the same sexual things. This is important to me because many of my exes were not and I was never really satisfied.
To me, I find it a lot more attractive when my husband just takes the initiative and tries things rather than always discussing them. I think a lot of people, women especially, can be very uncomfortable discussing sexual things.
The man asks what she would like, and really, as a woman I can tell you that I don't always have a clue. I know I have a lot less vivid sexual imagination than my husband does.
So, why not just take the lead and start trying to live the sexual life that you want, and help your wife along?
This is what it has been like with my H and I and it has worked well for us. As a matter of fact, being with a man who is willing to do that is VERY attractive, and it helps both of you grow - to the point where the one who didn't have as much interest in sexual novelty make take much more interest in that.