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Would you be comfortable dating a girl who has a past fling in her social circle?

11K views 112 replies 28 participants last post by  cyclone 
#1 ·
Would you be comfortable? If not, what would you do? Set boundaries? If so, what kind of boundaries?
 
#3 ·
Of course.

There are worse things than dating the girl who has a past fling in her social circle. Dating one who doesn't immediately comes to mind.

If you were a woman, would you date a man who has a past fling in his social circle? How many good men would you be willing to pass up ? If it's that important to you, what great benefit do you see yourself gaining?
 
#4 ·
what do you mean by 'fling'? as in infidelity? (a small, few weeks affair behind a husband or BF's back)

or just a short dating period (sex assumed) but fizzled out and just returned to being friends only?

if the first case, no way...'a little' cheating is still too much

if the second, then perhaps, but the same boundaries that would be in place for any ex-flame (no solo outings, no excessive texting, etc). There was enough attraction for a horizontal mambo between them, and probably still is
 
#10 ·
I wouldn't date someone like that. If he remains in her social circle, she's not done with him. She wants to keeps things going with him, while dating you. No deal. If she wants to date you, you should make it clear he comes OFF her social circle.
 
#14 ·
That's absurd!

The question here is exactly what Cletus said, complete hypocrisy.

The questions you need to ask are:

1. How long ago?
2. How long did they date?
3. What were the circumstances of the break up? IOW, who broke up with who?
4. How did she feel just after the break up during the times when they were together among their friend group? Did she feel awkward? Annoyed? Embarrassed? Angry?

The answers to these questions might, MIGHT, help you put her past relationship with this guy into a realistic perspective.

Being insecure is not an excuse to be a d!ck.
 
#15 ·
Actually, I would be more concerned about where her head was at having sex with a man that was involved with her parents when she was 10 and with whom her mother may have had sex as well.

Far more health issues their than just an ex that is healthily separated from her, in the same social circle and not really a friend anymore.

How much contact does she have with this guy anymore?

I'm not suggesting cheating at all but she was still close enough to be using his Netflix.

I'm not really sure much is healthy about this guy at all.

There are healthy ex relationships and then there are those that need cut out and the people avoided because of very bad and unhealthy choices.

This guy has a bad aroma to him.
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#16 ·
You really nailed it for me. This isn't so cut and dry as a past fling. The background of this story just makes me so uneasy. And he has slept with several women in this social circle.

Contact-wise? There shouldn't be any. The only time she would have contact with him is if he's at a salsa event or some other outing. These folks are very social so they do plan a lot of get togethers.

I don't like to think of anyone's past partners. So, for me, every event is going to be uncomfortable. Her past is always going to come to the forefront.
 
#22 ·
BTW. I would be ok with Mrs. Conan being in a situation like this but the ex would have to be a good man and we have well over two decades of faithful relationship behind us.

My radar would be up about this guy.

You two are just starting out as well and don't really need exes in your space until you have established a strong foundation. This guy should never be around. He isn't conducive to healthy relationships. I hope you don't deal with RJ?

I don't but I would not want this particular guy around.

Is he possibly a factor in her parents divorce?

Needless to say, anyone who doesn't have a healthy outlook on your relationship should not be friends with you two and anyone who is toxic or otherwise very unhealthy to sound relationships should just be avoided.
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#24 ·
Thanks.

What is RJ?

She really is in love with me and I do believe that she is trustworthy, but you're right about timing and foundation.

I think he's a good distance away...for now. It took me a few months to sort out where I was at with this dynamic between them. I still need more time to sort this out. Heck, the second time she took me to a salsa event he grabbed her hand and pulled her out to the dance floor. And since her mom has a past with this man in terms of martial arts training (as far as we know), she always talks very highly of him. I think he's more of a nuisance on my conscience than anything else right now. I hope that proves to be the case as time wears on.
 
#26 ·
Salsa is incredibly sexual as well. She needs to see this guy in a not so positive light.

How old are you two, when was her relationship with this guy and for how long?

How long were they broken up before she started with you?

Did they have a fwb relationship?

Did they have any sex after the breakup?
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#29 ·
I am 36 and she is 31. They had a FWB relationship. I really didn't dig deeper into it...I kind of dismissed it initially in the first month or two. But then the Netflix account incident, and her mother having ties to him, etc. I started to peel the layers back and didn't like the sound of it.

Could of been a fantasy for her...who knows. She seems to be drawn to older men. Her last relationship was with a 40 something.

Part of me wants to know how many times and the timeframe of their last sexual encounter. The other part doesn't and just wants to try and let this topic die.
 
#34 ·
Whoa, hold on. First husband sexually abused by first husband and "daddy issues"? What is the basis of her daddy issues. Look if she experienced CSA this will linger and you must be aware of her tiggers and work at creating an environment she can prosper in. See @Uptowns posts. To be clear I am not saying run. I am saying be prepared, aware, and comminted.
 
#35 ·
Her mother and father divorced when she was around 8 I think. She lived with her father full time but he mostly ignored her for the new woman in his life. She felt alone most of the time. She always feels as if nobody chooses her in life. She doesn't feel special...

Still talks to her father on the phone. So they have a relationship, just not very close. No physical abuse that I know of from her father.
 
#37 ·
I do martial arts. We train with men and women. One of the girls in particular is a friend of mine who I was texting here and there during the course of a week. I'm no longer allowed to text her and if my training partner (the girl) texts me, I am to tell my girlfriend.
 
#39 ·
Cyclone,

This OM that you GF had a "fling" with uses his status as an instructor to pick up women, this is not what professional teachers do.

Collect intelligence on who this guy has cheated with, and bust his butt to the betrayed spouses and so's.

Sounds like a narcissistic a hole, who is able to create the illusion that he is a great person. This creates a very powerful addiction in his victims.

People in committed relationships do not maintain contact with ex'es.

Tamat
 
#41 ·
Going give you my advice. She knows he's an ex. When a woman is into a guy typically the past and/suitors disappear on auto pilot.

Even without the backstory, the fact she has a bf and she allowed him to grab her and start dancing would have been an issue for me. That's a line you don't cross. Not surprised if he did just make you jealous but she could have easily told him no thanks.

I personally would never accept a women who keeps her past around.

Do you trust her?

This is one of those cases where the backstory makes me wonder why she would not go out of her way to avoid him. Because in healthy relationships that's usually how it goes.
 
#44 ·
Ok, I personally would reject a woman for long term if she had a "fwb" relationship that she admitted to. I think that shows low character.

This "instructor" is just a ladies man that enjoys preying on his students.

His grabbing her was nothing more than feeling you out and seeing if you would allow that.
Definitely showing you who the so-called "alpha male" was.

I would not want my lady dancing closely with any other men, but that's just me.

I think you should reconsider her as a longterm possibility.
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#46 ·
That's the thing. Typically (whatever that means to me...), if a woman sees a man as "her guy", she won't put a guy in such a predicament. It's a true **** test.

The easiest way is to just avoid mixing past and present.

I can't imagine having a gf and then hanging around a place my ex would be at with high degree of certainty. Having trust doesn't mean she's needs to test it.

OP, your lack of comfort won't go away as this is definitely a messed up situation. And you are not insecure for feeling they way you do.

I would ask the gf if there is a way to find another place or a way to avoid the guy. Be upfront. Now is the time you will see how important you are to her.

"babe, I have been rethinking the whole dancing dumbass thing and I'm not really too comfortable having to be around your past. Can we find away to just avoid it?"

Her answer will tell you how solid she is (or not).

I speak as an American guy with a ton of male friends. Not one of them would accept what you are doing. Not one.

An ex bf dancing with your gf? You must be kidding..... The minute she accepted his hand and danced I would have given her the middle finger and walked out the door.
 
#48 · (Edited)
Maybe it's just the mood I'm in today, but I'm finding a lot of these responses to be a little harsh.

While I do agree that the situation is not pretty (and one that I wouldn't be okay with, either), there's a lot of conclusion-jumping going on here.

For starters, it's apparently an automatic that this guy is a predator of some sort AND that she was taken advantage of. That MAY be the case, but hey - two adults can also have a consensual sexual relationship if they so choose. I don't get the impression from OP that his girlfriend feels like she was taken advantage of, or that she has any regrets (other than the strife this has apparently caused now).

Many people have had sexual relationships, or even marriages, with people who they, at some point, wish they could erase. I kick myself at my lack of judgement over my first marriage, as well as a past girlfriend or two. Hindsight is 20/20.

In this case, the person is in her social activity circle, which is unfortunate - but happens. This doesn't sound to me like a close group of friends, but rather a group of people who share a hobby/activity/passion.

There are accepted boundaries between the two, and they appear to be honoured. She also told OP about it in the first place, which is good. No big secret.

OP simply has to decide whether he can accept that she had a "fling" with somebody she's still in contact with, or not. It's that simple. It doesn't sound like the two of them spend any time with each other alone, or doing anything other than their mutual activity.

How HE feels about the matter is his prerogative, and I think he's justified either way - there's no wrong answer.

However, to make assumptions that she'll somehow be sucked back into this guys bed, or that he's a sexual predator, or that she's somehow "broken" or their fling never really ended, etc etc etc. is crazy talk, IMO. And it's also highly insulting to a woman none of us know.

A lot of you have decided this guy is gross (and he may be) and that she's a risk to have another fling with him, like he has some sort of spell over her, or that she's not capable of making good decisions. All because she had sex with him a few times. A lot of you have taken the information OP outlined and decided she's of low moral character simply by having a sexual relationship with a guy who's not portrayed in the best of light. Everybody's assuming HE bedded HER. That she was somehow coerced into it. He's being vilified for being a Lothario, and she's being vilified for being taken advantage of. And what's worse is there's an assumption that she'll "fall for it" again. How condescending is that?
 
#53 ·
I'll bet you a brew this guy is scum. Another one that Cyclone's gf did not have her head on straight to be having this guy as a fvck buddy and a third that having this guy around is not a good idea for the future.

I agree with your other points. No real indication that she will cheat based on information available.
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#52 ·
Honestly,
If you're having to set boundaries this early in a relationship----- that's a red flag to me.
You know what people do with boundaries? Push them. You've got a woman that will likely push boundaries constantly.
It's up to you. The friends with benefits thing tells me what kind of person she is. I think that's not the kind of woman I'd want. You may have different standards, and that's reasonable.
I just don't go for that stuff. I wouldn't even do that, myself. If I'm having sex with a woman, it's because I think there's long-term potential or I break it off.
Just my observation
 
#54 ·
It depends on her relationship with this person. I am not a fan of having my spouse/SO be close friends with someone she has had sex with. But, if he just shows up occasionally at an event and she hasn't show any interest in him at all, I'd be okay with it.
 
#56 ·
I wanted to drop in for an update.

The topic of this man came up and I boiled over...again. The girlfriend and I eventually came to terms with it and made amends.

She sent him a 'good bye' text. Just a friendly - "Thanks but I'm in love and please don't contact me". She showed me his response which was a melodramatic novel. That set off alarms in my head along with her body language...she was down in the dumps. After reading his response, I knew they had a stronger bond than I first thought.

His response caused me to snoop the following morning. I know it's wrong and it's a product of being cheated on in my marriage but I did it anyway. I didn't find any deal breakers...cheating or anything like that. But I did find many past Facebook messages between the two to confirm their solid "friendship". Invites to cancun, saying "Love you", him asking her permission if he could date one of her friends. It was all a bit much for me.

So now what? Heh, at 6 months she suggested couples therapy. Seems crazy, but that's what we're doing. I don't know where that will lead.

Oh, and one last thing - in his text response he said she could unfriend him on Facebook. Guess what? She's still friends with him on Facebook. Way to leave the backdoor open.

I guess what I've taken from opening this thread here is that I do suffer from retroactive jealousy. I got a book on it and I'm learning more. But while I do suffer from RJ, I don't obsess about her other past lovers because, well, they are in the past. I just feel uneasy about a FWB which seems to never go away.
 
#60 ·
Basically what you have here is an on-going EA, and that's not okay.

It's him that's continually pushing the boundaries, and her who is, for lack of a better term, wrapped around his little finger. There's something about him that makes her feel important, and she can't let go, and that's unfortunate.

She probably doesn't feel that what she is doing is "wrong", per se. No doubt she loves you, recognizes her relationship with you, etc. She HAS prioritized you over him, however that's not really how these things are supposed to work, are they? One's spouse isn't supposed to be solely a "priority", they are supposed to be the ONLY one, and she can't seem to get to that point.

What's more disturbing is that she requires this outside interest at all. Don't blame yourself for that in the slightest. Some people have such low self-esteem that they readily accept virtually any attention paid to them from others, including when inappropriate.

My thought is that your girlfriend needs to seek individual counselling for this destructive behaviour, rather than drag you along for couples sessions.

I speak from experience. My ex wife never did this until she lost some weight and got fit. Then the outside attention ramped up, and for reasons she actually believed. Prior to her fitness obsession, she automatically assumed guys hit on her because she had big boobs and nothing else. Afterwards, it was constant attention from guys who she thought were previously "out of her league".

Even my current wife readily accepted outside attention early on in our relationship until I had some conversations about it. There are numerous posts on TAM about this sort of thing, and "how far is too far" for this type of behaviour.

Once my wife started to understand that I could provide all/most of what she requires she changed her tune about outside attention paid to her and how it affects a relationship.

Your girlfriend isn't there yet, even though she's basically been hit over the head with it. Maybe she's a lost cause.
 
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