Jron

I have really messed up this time....I have had suspicions of my wife cheating for some time now....She has a male friend that is old enough to be her father. She always tells me that he is her best friend. (1st sign of cheating spouse according to some website)...She also told me a couple of weeks ago that she loved me and was not in love with me...(second sign)...Well I left work yesterday with these two discoveries in my mind. I was convinced that she was cheating but I was going to keep it quiet until I could gather more evidence. Well when I got home, my little girl was playing with my wifes phone and she handed it to me....well I found myself looking at her text....all deleted as usual....(she always deletes her call log and text....that is really suspicious). Well for some reason I decided to look at her saved messages. Well one such message was a message from her so-called friend and it was dated around the time me and her were in a bad fight and I wasnt at home. It read......No matter what happens, I love you and the girls with all my heart...
Well after a blow up that ended in me leaving , she has turned the tables on me, making me feel guilty for making that assumption. She declares that this man claims that she is like a daughter to her and this whole accusation is ludacris....I just wanted to post this on here and get a fellow male perspective on this and how you would take all this...I have since apologized about it...but I keep feeling " What if I am right" ...and she and him are saying "whew" that was a close one.

AFEH

If she is cheating there's no way she's going to be honest with you so let it go for now and snoop/spy on your wife and see what turns up.

Hicks

Whether or not this relationhship is sexual, it is not appropriate for a married woman to have a loving relationship with another male.

Locard

The old turn the tables "How dare you say the sky is blue". You are probably being controling as well, hmmm. If another man told my wife he loved her he would have a very serious problem on his hands.

Your wife is unfaithful. Sex or not. Time to take control.

Jron

Thought so Hicks....I have told her and everyone that thinks I am crazy....A married woman should not have an opposite sex friend like that...because what does that do? When you have problems in a marriage that is who you turn to. Whether it is innocent or not, it just dont look right and it creates more problems than its worth. Now trying to convince her of that is like trying to get water out of a rock.

Jron

Thanks for all the other input....I just really dont know where to go from here...its obvious that the tables have turned and now I am the bad guy....as usual...I am thinking that I should not contact her at all.

AFEH

I think you’re going to find they are very powerfully EMOTIONALLY BONDED. This bonding can be like they’re stuck together as with superglue and they need an operation to separate them. Or like they are conjoined twins and again need an operation to separate them. Just trying to open your eyes to what you may be facing. I had the same problem with my wife and younger 35 year old son. They are inseparable, always have been and now live together, my wife is 60 next year.

These things in marriages are to do with personal boundaries. It will come down to what you are prepared to tolerate and what you will be intolerant of. It’s also to do with values. Your wife and yourself have different values and your marriage may well end because of it.

The thing is, with the relationship your wife has with the OM, is that she will be talking to him about the problems between the two of you. In essence she may well be using him as a marriage counsellor. But think about it. Any advice he gives will be totally biased towards your wife and against you. Plus he will never say or do anything that will cost him his “friendship” with your wife. To me the guy sounds like a complete *rsehole and should stay well out of your marriage.

Take a look at Finding Your N.U.T.S.. All you can really do is enforce your boundaries by giving your wife ultimatums “It’s him or me” sort of thing. Or you can say that you do not tolerate her behaviour so you are separating and divorcing and let her decide what she wants to do.

FirstYearDown

This is bollocks. Sorry, but I have a male friend that I have known for years, who is also like a dad to me. We both respect my marriage, so we do not even have conversations that my husband cannot hear. I went to see this man when he almost died, with my husband's knowledge and consent. I even called my hubby from my "father's" place and let them talk! Why would I be so open if I was cheating?

As long as I am not hiding anything and there are no sexual overtures, it's all good. I know that "Dad" loves me the way that a father and daughter love each other.

When I have marriage problems, I turn to my husband and my therapist. "Dad" doesn't need to know about them.

It is also possible for a straight woman to have gay friends. There is no sexual interest at all, just a really handsome shopping buddy.

Jron, what your wife is doing is completely different from what I have described here.

F-102

Start exposing-to her family, yours and the OM's wife or GF.

__________________
"All of us get lost in the darkness...
...Dreamers learn to steer by the stars"

Jron

she claims that this guy is a "family friend"...and that he is her best friend...it aint like she hides the fact they are friends..I mean she will mention she talked to him and he said this or that....he even came over last night and let me borrow and battery charger for my car..She even told me before I even had a glimmer of a suspicion that I shouldnt be concerned about him, if I happened to see that he called or she called him....that he was just a friend..I found that kind of odd that she would initate the confirmation that he was just a friend...and that might be the proof I need that it is innocent, but I just cant get pass that damn text message.....I mean I dont think I am out of line by being upset that another man is sending my wife a text that says that he loves her and my kids with all his heart....that kinda rubs me the wrong way....father figure or not...but why would she save the message if she was trying to hide something???...I am beyond confused

Jron

F-102- the OM is single but according to my wife he is about to get married in a couple of weeks..

FirstYearDown

As I said before, I agree that your wife is being inappropriate. I do not do ANY of the things that she does and my "dad" does NOT tell me that he loves me. In fact, he does not even call me most of the time, out of respect for my husband!

F-102

Then squeal to his fiancee.

__________________
"All of us get lost in the darkness...
...Dreamers learn to steer by the stars"

sigma1299

Emotional Affair. If it's so above board ask her to let you read her text before she deletes them. If she's not hiding anything what should she care if you read them?

If she is hiding something - which I think everyone here suspects - be prepared. She's going to get even more crazy on you. What she's already done to you is called gas lighting - making you think you're crazy and/or accusing you of being controlling. It's text book for someone in an affair.

FirstYearDown

I can't believe that the OM is doing this, while he is engaged! There is another sign.