As you may remember, we're in the reconciliation process. And, we're doing well. We continue to navigate uncharted water in terms of off-limit subjects (that are now routinely discussable) and overall non-hijacked communication.
AFEH speaks often of passive aggression. I've known for a long time that I get a certain amount of pleasure from the suffering of perceived enemies. The German term for this is schadenfreude. Yet, I didn't realize how deep this passive aggression can run... and what sort of acting out results from it.
Then I read MEM's post about the "yes man hubby" who for 18 years was "perfect" for his wife. We all know the profile now. Goes to work everyday. Good father. Sexless marriage. Basically dominated by his wife - dotes on her.
One day, she looks out the window and here he comes on his brand new motorcycle, decked out in leather, a couple of tattoos and a hard-looking biker ***** on the rumble seat.
He flips his wife the bird and hits the road.
She "never knew what happened".
When I read that post, I realized MEM was describing me in my first marriage. Since we don't change all that much without effort, I started looking at myself a bit harder in that area.
Most - if not all - of the angry outbursts I initiate are with someone close to me who I perceive has "taken advantage".
But, realize this, we're talking about one transaction at a time.
I've had the tendency to extend myself, extend myself, and further extend myself to get the "desired outcome" in relationships. Pretty soon, it's unrecognizable in form and I'm basically miserable - and hopping mad.
This is a really interesting type of thing to study in yourself. It becomes "easy" to start saying no where the answer was always "yes' before - because you you realize the ultimate price to be paid by communicating an endless array of yes's.
Believe me, the person asking does NOT want me to take the ball all the way to the one-yard line by myself. Because, at that point the reciprocity I'm hoping for must materialize or the middle finger gets twitchy - if you know what I mean.
Turns out there are amplifiers and reducers in this dynamic.
The amplifiers come from being with someone who rapidly and crazily escalates conflict. Because that dynamic looks something like this.
BPD: Does something that is offensive but not gigantic in magnitude
PA: Quietly thinks - I don't like this - and I also do not want WW3 right now. Grits their teeth and says nothing.
Cycle repeats until PA is so angry that they don't care what reaction they get.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Conrad
Greetings all,
As you may remember, we're in the reconciliation process. And, we're doing well. We continue to navigate uncharted water in terms of off-limit subjects (that are now routinely discussable) and overall non-hijacked communication.
AFEH speaks often of passive aggression. I've known for a long time that I get a certain amount of pleasure from the suffering of perceived enemies. The German term for this is schadenfreude. Yet, I didn't realize how deep this passive aggression can run... and what sort of acting out results from it.
Then I read MEM's post about the "yes man hubby" who for 18 years was "perfect" for his wife. We all know the profile now. Goes to work everyday. Good father. Sexless marriage. Basically dominated by his wife - dotes on her.
One day, she looks out the window and here he comes on his brand new motorcycle, decked out in leather, a couple of tattoos and a hard-looking biker ***** on the rumble seat.
He flips his wife the bird and hits the road.
She "never knew what happened".
When I read that post, I realized MEM was describing me in my first marriage. Since we don't change all that much without effort, I started looking at myself a bit harder in that area.
Most - if not all - of the angry outbursts I initiate are with someone close to me who I perceive has "taken advantage".
But, realize this, we're talking about one transaction at a time.
I've had the tendency to extend myself, extend myself, and further extend myself to get the "desired outcome" in relationships. Pretty soon, it's unrecognizable in form and I'm basically miserable - and hopping mad.
This is a really interesting type of thing to study in yourself. It becomes "easy" to start saying no where the answer was always "yes' before - because you you realize the ultimate price to be paid by communicating an endless array of yes's.
Believe me, the person asking does NOT want me to take the ball all the way to the one-yard line by myself. Because, at that point the reciprocity I'm hoping for must materialize or the middle finger gets twitchy - if you know what I mean.
What on earth are you on about? I cannot understand where you are, what it is you are trying to communicate. Conrad buddy all and everyone of your previous posts I’ve understood (at the very least I thought I did). This one I haven’t a clue.
I think - for guys - this is simply the most difficult part.
We want hot women. We simply do.
Yet, good looking women often learn they can GET you to swallow damned near anything just to get your turn at bat.
So, watch out what you wish for. Get a date with your dream girl - or launch an LTR with her.
One transaction at a time, she will grind you into sawdust.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MEM11363
Invoke his name and the genie appears.
Turns out there are amplifiers and reducers in this dynamic.
The amplifiers come from being with someone who rapidly and crazily escalates conflict. Because that dynamic looks something like this.
BPD: Does something that is offensive but not gigantic in magnitude
PA: Quietly thinks - I don't like this - and I also do not want WW3 right now. Grits their teeth and says nothing.
Cycle repeats until PA is so angry that they don't care what reaction they get.
I always wished you posted a response to my thread "What would your spouse say about you" or in your case, your ex. I think if you were able to understand the other side if you will, you could learn a lot about yourself. The anger would subside and real change would be made.
I asked my husband what he thought about me and it was eye opening. I have often believed I somehow got screwed but the reality is, I contributed to it but instead I pointed my finger at him as the sole cause. Gently here, I think you have a similar tendency. AFEH, I think you do as well. Again very gently here as I was/am in the same boat. It is somewhat cathartic to look within and see the things I need to change. If my marriage doesn't work out, at least I have a pretty clear idea of myself.
Feel free to flip me that twitchy finger.
I think I know exactly what you are saying. For years you did everything that you thought you should to get love and respect from your wife. But you were being the martyr and victim, and people cannot do that for very long without exploding.
Now you know that you should communicate your needs. Call her out when she does something that offends you. Work together to solve problems rather than do everything yourself.
A Personal Epiphany 
