Good God, reminds me of the talk I had with my wife in July. I told her I still love her. She said what do you love about me? My answer off the top of my head was because you're my wife and we've been married for 13 years. Well she held that against me the next time we talked. She said I couldn't tell her why I loved her(I thought of specific reasons after that when I had time to think) so that told her I don't know her as a person. WTH???
Good God, reminds me of the talk I had with my wife in July. I told her I still love her. She said what do you love about me? My answer off the top of my head was because you're my wife and we've been married for 13 years. Well she held that against me the next time we talked. She said I couldn't tell her why I loved her(I thought of specific reasons after that when I had time to think) so that told her I don't know her as a person. WTH???
It's a game some women play when they want to hurt you or they are setting you up for something. Mine said once all I wanted her for was for sex, I told her her food was very good as well.
Manning up may be great advice for the OP, but sometimes you have to take the wife's question at face value and ask yourself why she is making this particular question a very big deal. I mean, this is a pretty ominous question that she is asking. There are so many ways that this question could potentially be reworded. 'She is fixating on her possible belief that the OP could be happy with any of a hundred different women.' 'She is possibly saying that she thinks he doesn't really love her, and never did.' 'She is possibly asking him if the whole relationship is just built on a marriage of convenience.'
There could be many different reasons for asking this question of him, but it is disturbing that one of the first steps men or women will use to re-write marital history and divorce is incompatability, or the belief that the two of them never had anything special. Telling her to 'get over it', as some have advised, would only support this re-writing. I'm only suggesting that manning up might be secondary to the need to find out why she is asking this question.
I don't think its as simple as just wanting a laundry list of good attributes. Most times, there are things about a guy's wife that make him feel like he has come home to a great place when he sees her after a time apart. These attributes are there. We just don't know how important they are to some women. For some women, there may be other ways that their love language is expressed. It comes down to your willingness to learn their love language, just like they will usually try to learn ours. My dad used to warn us boys all the time. He said that if you do not learn the language of your woman, be careful, because there are a hundred other guys who already speak the language she wants to hear, and she just has to meet one of them at the right place and the right time.
Yes, I understand it is important to some women to hear it. Which is why I suggested they ask a different questions. I can answer the question exactly how they want to hear it but that doesn't make my answer true. It just makes my wife happy. If that's my goal fine. If my goal is to answer her truthfully then I must say it with my own truth not hers. This should not be a reason for her to have her feelings hurt. If my love for you does not come from your perfect lips then I shouldn't say it does.
If it's not the true reason then I wouldn't list it but I wonder if you're playing with semantics here. Telling what you wrote above would do everything she needs and according to you be 100% accurate so what's the damage in saying that? " I know you're beautiful, your ass turns me on when you walk and you're one of the kindest people I know but that's not why I love you, I love you because we just fit."
Does it always have to be a battle or some unwritten code? I only counter the manning up theory in most threads here because it's constantly brought up as if it's the default setting in every relationship and I don't believe that. Like you, I am being honest. If you ask me it's ending up with a lot of men alone.
Can't a wife reach out for assurance that the love between the two is safe, secure and still existing without having to worry about the dude's ego? If she's asking the question you can bet she's doing it for herself so why not love her enough to figure out why and answer her.
There is no damage in saying it but it is not the true reason I love her. Like I said, ask the correct question. Don't you think that I hold dear the reason that I am in love with my wife? Why should I have to sugar coat that and spice it up so that she can hear what she wants to hear. I praise her on those attributes outside of answering this question so why can't I be truthful when the question is asked?
That they are the one, the only one we commit ourselves to.
Isn't it amazing when you feel that. There is just something there that is unexplainable. Something that goes beyond looks and how funny or cool they are. My explaination is that we "fit". That's why I love her. If asked that question I need to be able to express that without worrying about wether or not I put in enough compliments. My wife needs to love me enough that I am comfortable being open and truthful with her at all times.
Isn't it amazing when you feel that. There is just something there that is unexplainable. Something that goes beyond looks and how funny or cool they are. My explaination is that we "fit". That's why I love her. If asked that question I need to be able to express that without worrying about wether or not I put in enough compliments. My wife needs to love me enough that I am comfortable being open and truthful with her at all times.
It’s that spirit in the machine thing, the magical mystery. It’s like they are “unknowable”. We can’t fathom them out, what it is that makes them tick and that’s probably why we can’t give good account as far as they are concerned of why we love the them. And sometimes I swear blind the last thing they want us to know is what does make them tick.
But it is so very important that both spouses do actually feel loved otherwise they will feel insecure and I think it a duty of each to find out what the others language of love is and become an unthinking expert of using that language when communicating with their partner.
It's very different when the magics gone, the mystery is explained.
Good God, reminds me of the talk I had with my wife in July. I told her I still love her. She said what do you love about me? My answer off the top of my head was because you're my wife and we've been married for 13 years. Well she held that against me the next time we talked. She said I couldn't tell her why I loved her(I thought of specific reasons after that when I had time to think) so that told her I don't know her as a person. WTH???
It can be frustrating when you are expected to answer a question, that is often out of the blue, with the same level of detail that she provides having thought through the question all day.
One evening, after stuttering out a pretty bad answer to a question like this and then getting the evil eye, I asked how long she had been thinking about it. When she said since morning, I told her I would think about it for the next 12 hours and give her an answer then. After a quick shocked look, she smiled and said no need.
Itsnotme . . . in the past couple days, my wife and I have been reading the 5 Love Languages and found it helpful. One of the languages is Words of Affirmation - whcih you are doing... but if she is not a Words of Affirmation person, they won't mean much. Google this and do the on-line test (your wife too) and see what happens. We also took the test answering for the other person, just to see how well/or not we 'guessed' the other's love language. Yes, this sounds cheesy - but at least a good converstaion starter. My wife scored very high on the Words of Affirmation (10/12) and I scored a 1/12 . . . so, no matter what she 'says' to me, it doesn't mean a whole lot. Give it a shot.
And the man-up and other adivce on here is all good too. If it was as simple as one good suggestion, TAM wouldn't be here. And what would we all do all day? (Stay in bed with our spouses?) Good luck.
It also means that you may have to work a bit harder to meet your wife's love language, since it is not your own, just like she may have to do for
yours. Because what YOU say to her, does mean a lot to her.
It can be frustrating when you are expected to answer a question, that is often out of the blue, with the same level of detail that she provides having thought through the question all day.
One evening, after stuttering out a pretty bad answer to a question like this and then getting the evil eye, I asked how long she had been thinking about it. When she said since morning, I told her I would think about it for the next 12 hours and give her an answer then. After a quick shocked look, she smiled and said no need.
You get an A-plus on that particular Fitness Test.
But see this is what "You" want. You can't dictate to someone why they love you. I know every lady wants to be their own special snowflake but the fact of the matter is if your husband has dated a good amount of ladies he met some with your same attributes that he didn't fall head over heels for. If you think about it you really don't want a man that falls in love with you because of your physical attributes. What happens when those curves get a little bit wider, those eyes have crows feet surrounding them, pain takes away your ability to where high heels, cancer takes your breasts, your hair starts graying, etc. If your man is showing you he loves you then take him at his word that he loves you because of the reason he says. You are special to him. If you want a laundry list of your good attributes then ask for that.
i should have used quotes, but i was lazy....good points,but it was just an idea of personal things about me, not acts of service or tasks to do in everyday life.
and i wasnt thinking of "why you fell in love me"..but why you love me now. now reasons are a goofy laugh,because sometimes those things that annoyed us in the first year are cute and adorable in year 5 and a different appreation for them in year 10.
im pretty simple, i like being told i look great with out make-up, or that i dont need all the make-up i wear. plus my love language is gifts.
but thats just me....but i just wanted to give examples on a personal side.
it wasnt a wish list....but nothing wrong with wanting to be told just {at least} one reason why you are special in the eyes of your husband/wife.
IDK..im told everyday, oh i like your shoes, or dress, or hair, or cute kids by strangers...so i like very personal reason(s) from husband.
She can reach out for assurance. But when her H goes above and beyond to provide that and keeps getting told wrong answer, continuing to nag is harming the relationship. 'I love you because....' Is turning into, 'why do I love you?????'. continuing to press is doing more harm than good. H is here W isn't though, so what do you do? Posted via Mobile Device
I agree and it makes me think there is more going on in this case. It could be any amount of things.
Isn't it amazing when you feel that. There is just something there that is unexplainable. Something that goes beyond looks and how funny or cool they are. My explaination is that we "fit". That's why I love her. If asked that question I need to be able to express that without worrying about wether or not I put in enough compliments. My wife needs to love me enough that I am comfortable being open and truthful with her at all times.
Yeah, that's the beautiful stuff that I don't think is said very often by most guys. Maybe because it makes them appear vulnerable? I wouldn't think so in a secure relationship but a marriage forum is not going to be a hot spot for that type of relationship to begin with so it becomes a matter of which came first the chicken or the egg.
Maybe in a secure relationship it doesn't need to be said? No idea. I'm in a rocky relationship myself and trying to figure it out. I do know if I felt my husband was gaming me, and sometimes I do, it turns me off and pisses me off both at the same time.
Re: "You can't tell me why you love me" 
Re: "You can't tell me why you love me" 
