My wife and I are going through a rough patch and one of the issue that seems to be upsetting her the most is that supposedly I can't tell her why I love her.
I tell here I love her everyday and she does the same. When she ask me I give her a list of things, but she says they are all service reasons and she doesn't fell like I love her for her.
I spent everyday for 3 months keeping a secret journal that gave at least one reason per day why I love her. A month or so later I created a website callled ilove____.com and wrote another list of reasons why I love her. After reading all of this she isn't mean about it but she is obviously completely dissatisfied with the reasons I give.
I have no clue how to make her realize that I really do love her for her. Maybe I'm not coming up with the right words, but I know for sure I never want to be with anybody else and I enjoy being married to her. I'm still crazy about her even when things aren't perfect.
Just for example here are some of the things I've written her or told her. Can you guys tell me if I'm missing something or how to let her know she is the one for me?
-I love that you want our family to be close, if it wasn't for you I would never have it.
-I love that you're a hard worker. It makes me proud to be with you.
-I love you for all the things that I am not. You fill in the gaps left by shortcomings. Thank you for being you.
-I love you because you are content, it has a calming affect on me. It's easy to love you. You are lovable.
- I love that you appreciate me
- I love that you encourage me and are proud of me
- I love that you don't over think things like I do. Thank you for dealing with me when I worry.
- I love that you enjoy cooking and baking, and I love that it's soooo much better than your mother's cooking
- You're easy on the eyes, in the true sense of the words. You have a sweet beautiful face that is comforting to look at.
I'm thinking your going over the top with to much Beta here. You need to use the L word sparingly and it will have more meaning. Look, there are thousands of reasons why you love her. You will never pinpoint the exact, single reason. I would give that up. Actions do speak louder then words.
Take a look at this post from Athol, on married man sex life. Sorry, you will have to paste it into your browser, I don't know how to insert a link.
Are you getting any better mastering the preferred dishwasher loading technique?
Quote:
Originally Posted by r2d210
I'm thinking your going over the top with to much Beta here. You need to use the L word sparingly and it will have more meaning. Look, there are thousands of reasons why you love her. You will never pinpoint the exact, single reason. I would give that up. Actions do speak louder then words.
Take a look at this post from Athol, on married man sex life. Sorry, you will have to paste it into your browser, I don't know how to insert a link.
I'm doing well! I'm a different person now! This site and my post was the beginning of a physical and mental change for me. I could write a very long post explaining it all, but I won't. Oh, I still have a ways to go, but I will never go back to being a doormat. My relationship is better and we are both very happy. I check out this site once in a while (rarely post). I read Athol's blog daily, and I take lots of notes, which I apply to my relationship. I'm no expert here, but sometimes these questions are just plain obvious! You and others from this site have changed my life so I hope I can help others make changes as well. Thanks so much for thinking about me!
I went through something similar simultaneously. My wife and I now realize we actually belong together. I always suspected it, but she was a little bit more difficult to convince.
And, of course, I didn't convince her by running the vacuum or loading the dishwasher properly.
I've seen people express skepticism that the transformation for guys like you couldn't have really been as dramatic and as sudden as they were.
It was even referred to as "The Great Dishwasher Incident of 2010"
I know that it can be just that sudden - and likely was.
There's a bit of "process" to it, but the transformative moments are easy to identify.
Stay in touch.
Quote:
Originally Posted by r2d210
I'm doing well! I'm a different person now! This site and my post was the beginning of a physical and mental change for me. I could write a very long post explaining it all, but I won't. Oh, I still have a ways to go, but I will never go back to being a doormat. My relationship is better and we are both very happy. I check out this site once in a while (rarely post). I read Athol's blog daily, and I take lots of notes, which I apply to my relationship. I'm no expert here, but sometimes these questions are just plain obvious! You and others from this site have changed my life so I hope I can help others make changes as well. Thanks so much for thinking about me!
“The fact is, I don’t know why I love you. I just do.”
Yeah I've done that, no revelation here. Good article but I've done that exact thing, although I will try again. Using a spreadsheet is not a good idea, I get that and won't try that again, but if I just say I just love you cause I love you. To her that means I don't actually know why I love her because I can't give her the reasons she it looking for.
Does anyone know what a women wants to hear regarding this. I know it sounds bad but I just want to tell her anything that will satisfy her on this topic and we can move on.
“The fact is, I don’t know why I love you. I just do.”
Yeah I've done that, no revelation here. Good article but I've done that exact thing, although I will try again. Using a spreadsheet is not a good idea, I get that and won't try that again, but if I just say I just love you cause I love you. To her that means I don't actually know why I love her because I can't give her the reasons she it looking for.
Does anyone know what a women wants to hear regarding this. I know it sounds bad but I just want to tell her anything that will satisfy her on this topic and we can move on.
My wife still sometimes refers to me as "the old me", or "back when you were different". After understanding what had to happen, I came to a conclusion that I was not going to allow myself to be treated that way ever again. And, after reading "No more Mr. Nice Guy", (which explained to me clearly why I was acting that way), I knew I had to change. I added some Alpha and because my wife did love me but was used to getting results from me by being mean and overbearing, she understood how I felt and loved me enough to allow me to be the man! The first few months after my post was intense. I'm not going to lie. But, she has admitted to me since then that she loves me and respects me more now then before. We have had several "power" struggles since, one recently...., however we understand each others boundaries and it has worked well. I'm glad to hear your doing well. It is a process, a long process. Keep up the good work!
I think what she's really saying is "I don't feel loved by you." Words aren't going to fix this, actions are. Do you know her love language?
It's possible that she's simply feeling insecure due to the role reversals in the M, if you are as alpha as you claim. Nevertheless, you should make sure your actions are saying "I love you." Posted via Mobile Device
- I love that you don't over think things like I do.
oh really? haha.
I'm a woman and I like getting verbal (and written) stuff along those lines, I think that's pretty normal, but I say thank you and reciprocate, rather than tearing my H to shreds.
I hate to say this but I wonder if she is looking to manufacture an excuse as to why you are not giving her all that she needs to be happy ---> set up for blaming an affair or .... whatever, on you and your inadequacies. ("You didn't make me feel loved, so I ...")
Does anyone know what a women wants to hear regarding this. I know it sounds bad but I just want to tell her anything that will satisfy her on this topic and we can move on.
No, nobody knows, nobody will ever know, she doesn`t even know what she wants to hear.
The whole exercise is irrelevant.
Move on without ever answering her question because no matter what answer you give her it`s wrong.
She doesn`t want the answer she wants you to pass the test.
I have a feeling the more you even try to answer the more you`ll fail.
Passing would be not even bothering with the question.
If she has no faith in your love for her after knowing you, marrying you, and living with you she`ll never have faith no matter what answer you give her.
So tell me, what reasons does your wife have for doubting your love for her?
"You can't tell me why you love me" 
