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Old 11-06-2011, 09:28 AM   #106 (permalink)
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Default Re: Men: Wife weight gain?

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Originally Posted by Laurae1967 View Post
I guess I'm just suprised and a bit disappointed that the focus of people's responses was more about the OP gaining weight than the utter lack of love, commitment and loyalty on the part of the OP's husband.
If this had been a post about a wife who tried for three years to get an emotional connection back and eventually left and gave up, we'd advise poster that she stated a need, he didn't meet it, so she left to find someone who could love her the way she wanted him to. We'd tell him the best way to grow from the experience is to learn why an emotional connection is important to some people and how he could better foster it in his next relationship.

I am not sure why the exact same post about weight causes so much defensiveness and outrage in some people.

I think Lexi has realized that while physical appearance is not a big need of hers, it was a big need of his, and she's trying to understand it. Surely post after post saying that her husband's need of physical attraction is invalid or in some way shallow will not be helpful, because it is a need for many men and women regardless of how fair or enlightened the need is.

I really wish more of the posts here were written from the "His Needs, Her Needs" angle. I really don't think weight or the OP's husband should have been the focus at all.
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Old 11-06-2011, 03:47 PM   #107 (permalink)
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Default Re: Men: Wife weight gain?

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I really wish more of the posts here were written from the "His Needs, Her Needs" angle. I really don't think weight or the OP's husband should have been the focus at all.
Needs are a two way street. A simple way of looking at it from a "needs" point of view:

Doing her best to take care of herself is not just for herself, it also helps her to meet his need to feel attracted to her and helps him meet his need for sex.

Doing his best to take care of himself is not just for himself, it also helps him maintain his fitness so that he can meet her need for home and security by providing for her and their children.

The wife who gains 80 lbs is not doing her best to take care of herself, she is not helping him meet his need to feel attracted to her and is certainly not helping his erection.

The husband who puts on 100 lbs runs the risk of premature heart attack and other negative health impacts, thus impacting his ability to provide for her and their family. Not to mention his inability to control his weight will not make her attracted to him. Women are in general attracted to men who have their act together and a man who gains 100 lbs gives a visible clue that his act isn't entirely there.

Weight gain is controllable for the most part absent serious physical issues that make large weight gain uncontrollable. I expect women my age to be heavier than they were in their 20's; I fully accept that. At the same time, I also desire them to be good with keeping what they have under control. A woman who lets herself go isn't attractive; if she truly loves herself, she will realize that she's not only cheating herself, she's also cheating her husband and her children by placing her health at risk.

However, men or women who undertake weight programs/diets need to be doing it for themselves first. The context being, only by taking care of himself first can one take care of their loved ones.
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Old 11-06-2011, 03:56 PM   #108 (permalink)
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Default Re: Men: Wife weight gain?

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I really feel like you are doing a disservice to the original poster by oversimplifying and being judgmental.

The OP has stated that she understands that the weight was an issue for her husband, she could not meet his needs, she accepts this. She is just wondering why men might have that need. It seems to me to be a very mature question and introspection.

You can cast blame, hijack the thread, and turn this into a referendum on weight issues, but the reality is, some men have physical attraction as a love language, and if that need is not met, they don't feel loved. This is no different than women that are attracted to shallow things like a man's income or his height. It is reality. It is a simple answer.

And do you really need to jump on posters that successfully lose weight and are happy with themselves just to further your agenda?? Seriously.
Acorn you hit it on the head "shallow"!!! Yes if someone marries a guy because he has money and then leaves him because he goes bankrupt, she is just as shallow/superficial as a man who leaves his wife because she gains weight.

I still haven't heard from any male why it's ok for a married man to leave or love his wife less because of weight? Is there a man out there who can explain the validity of such a...yes I'm gonna say it...superficial way of thinking about a WIFE..(not just a person you want to date/screw or just look at as eye candy...the person you want to spend your ENTIRE life with for better or worse) Please anyone answer...cause I'm surely curious to know as much as the op wants to know.
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Old 11-06-2011, 04:07 PM   #109 (permalink)
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Default Re: Men: Wife weight gain?

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Originally Posted by 2sick View Post
I still haven't heard from any male why it's ok for a married man to leave or love his wife less because of weight? Is there a man out there who can explain the validity of such a...yes I'm gonna say it...superficial way of thinking about a WIFE..(not just a person you want to date/screw or just look at as eye candy...the person you want to spend your ENTIRE life with for better or worse) Please anyone answer...cause I'm surely curious to know as much as the op wants to know.
Maybe absence of an answer is the answer?
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Old 11-06-2011, 04:07 PM   #110 (permalink)
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Default Re: Men: Wife weight gain?

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Originally Posted by Acorn View Post
If this had been a post about a wife who tried for three years to get an emotional connection back and eventually left and gave up, we'd advise poster that she stated a need, he didn't meet it, so she left to find someone who could love her the way she wanted him to. We'd tell him the best way to grow from the experience is to learn why an emotional connection is important to some people and how he could better foster it in his next relationship.

I am not sure why the exact same post about weight causes so much defensiveness and outrage in some people.

I think Lexi has realized that while physical appearance is not a big need of hers, it was a big need of his, and she's trying to understand it. Surely post after post saying that her husband's need of physical attraction is invalid or in some way shallow will not be helpful, because it is a need for many men and women regardless of how fair or enlightened the need is.

I really wish more of the posts here were written from the "His Needs, Her Needs" angle. I really don't think weight or the OP's husband should have been the focus at all.
Acorn: All I have to say for those who only look for physical appearance don't need to get married so they can just quickly move on when that significant other gets old, fat, bald, or God forbid gets a terrible illness or gets into a crippling accident.

What I was trying to say to the OP is keep your head up because she is a strong woman regardless of her weight and screw her pig headed h...It's his problem not hers!! I'm not saying she shouldn't take care of herself and make sure she is HEALTHY both inside as well as out. She obviously gained the weight for one reason or another but the man she married should be by her side supporting her whether she loses the weight or not.
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Old 11-06-2011, 04:09 PM   #111 (permalink)
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Default Re: Men: Wife weight gain?

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Maybe absence of an answer is the answer?
yup!!
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Old 11-06-2011, 04:21 PM   #112 (permalink)
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I think people, women specifically, are too uptight/sensitive about weight.

People know when they are overweight. It's no secret. I knew I was. People knew I was. You can't hide it! LOL Black is NOT that slimming when you're obese. I was asked how far along I was (the tumor was huge...I looked 5 months pregnant), was told I was gaining weight quickly. Yes I was! I knew it.

My husband didn't say anything, but I asked him how he felt and he said sex was different, but he liked my big butt He's a butt guy.

If people were more honest with themselves about their weight, there probably wouldn't be so many overweight issues. You can't change something you don't want to face.
Now I understand your pov. Your husband was supportive of you and expressed love for you!!! YOU were the one who decided to lose the weight. Yes you may have had your h in mind along with yourself but it wasn't him making you feel like a fat slob and saying lose the the weight so I can still love you. I think that that is what the OP is asking...why is the physical appearance sooo important that h couldn't stay.

BTW congrats on the weight loss and keep it up FOR YOURSELF!!!! (and I love myfitnespal tooo....the best ever!!)
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Old 11-06-2011, 05:30 PM   #113 (permalink)
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Default Re: Men: Wife weight gain?

Is it really seen as shallow if a man leaves a woman due to weight gain? Ive heard this before and couldnt disagree more.

Women who gain a lot of weight tend to have a change in their emotional outlook, and for some, not all, they tend to gain that weight and become an unattractive person on the inside as well.

Given, a Good Husband should be supportive and the motivational rock the wife needs to lose the weight.
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Old 11-07-2011, 06:37 PM   #114 (permalink)
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[Quote} "I also challenge the notion that guys don't have the ability to change their perspective so that they can continue to "get it up" so to speak if their wife's appearance changes. Men can and do make adjustments every day and thank goodness there are plenty of them out there. How else does a 70 year old guy get it up for his 70 year old wife?? She's doesn't have the hard, hot body she may have had at 30, the body that initially got him hard. What about the guy whose wife has cancer and she loses all her hair and he was a real hair "guy"? Or the guy whose wife was burned on the face and is now disfigured? Those guys work around it because they understand that love, desire and commitment are way more than just how someone looks. Someone's spirit is truly what makes them attractive....or not."


You can't create desire through a change in perspectice no matter how idealistic or committed you are. It doesn't work that way. You make a choice to show your love for your overweight or ill partner but it requires a sacrifice. If your partner is just lazy and likes to eat that sacrifice becomes harder to justify.
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Old 11-08-2011, 10:03 AM   #115 (permalink)
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Acorn: All I have to say for those who only look for physical appearance don't need to get married so they can just quickly move on when that significant other gets old, fat, bald, or God forbid gets a terrible illness or gets into a crippling accident.
I think for a lot of people, having a need of physical attraction does not mean that your wife has to look like a cheerleader for the rest of her life or you will leave her, but it does mean that reasonable efforts taken to maintain physical appearance as the years go on are received on the other end as loving gestures.
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Old 11-08-2011, 03:22 PM   #116 (permalink)
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[Quote} "I also challenge the notion that guys don't have the ability to change their perspective so that they can continue to "get it up" so to speak if their wife's appearance changes. Men can and do make adjustments every day and thank goodness there are plenty of them out there. How else does a 70 year old guy get it up for his 70 year old wife?? She's doesn't have the hard, hot body she may have had at 30, the body that initially got him hard. What about the guy whose wife has cancer and she loses all her hair and he was a real hair "guy"? Or the guy whose wife was burned on the face and is now disfigured? Those guys work around it because they understand that love, desire and commitment are way more than just how someone looks. Someone's spirit is truly what makes them attractive....or not."


You can't create desire through a change in perspectice no matter how idealistic or committed you are. It doesn't work that way. You make a choice to show your love for your overweight or ill partner but it requires a sacrifice. If your partner is just lazy and likes to eat that sacrifice becomes harder to justify.
Attraction is about looks until the person opens their mouth. Then it is a blend of things. Some men mature and find something attractive that previously, in their younger days, may not have caught their interest. Tastes change just as people change. So yes, emotional state can and does dictate attraction for many men and women. Pierce Brosnan married his second wife when she was super thin. He's stayed married to her, and raves about how much he loves and desires her, even though she's quite a bit heavier and considered overweight. He has found a way to maintain is attraction to his wife. Maybe its because he lost his first wife to cancer and has his priorities in the right order. Maybe he values his current wife for more than just her looks (clearly). As I said before, not all men can even conceive of this notion and so it's not suprising that some folks can't believe that it's possible. But it is...and I'd say the majority of men CAN and DO stay with their wives and love and desire them even if they gain weight. But not everyone can relate to this, I know.

And as far as your assumption that people who gain weight are "lazy", that's just ignorant.
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Old 11-08-2011, 06:54 PM   #117 (permalink)
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Ignorant is trying to redesign the world's reality to suit yourself. Laurae. You can try to spin it all you like, but the number of obese people who have a legitimate reason for being overweight are far and away in the minority, and I don't count emotional instability as being legitimate.

You would deny that a person can be turned off by excess weight yet can say that people get depressed about their own weight and therefore eat for comfort.... does that not add up to the person being turned off by themselves????

You say that a man is shallow if he does not love a woman regardless of her weight. Yet a person who gains a lot of weight does not just physically change, their entire outlook changes. Their relationship with themself changes, they do not see things the same any more. These things all add up to a person who has changed, not just physically, but emotionally and mentally as well. Sure they are still the same person at their core, but they no longer have the same values and outlooks on life. Do these things not add into how they are seen by their SO?

How can you say that the partner MUST still find them as attractive for ALL of their attributes, when some of them have clearly changed for the worse. whatever excuses they want to throw around they are no longer that same person through and through that they were, if they have given up exercise, watching what they eat/drink, generally making an effort in that department, developed "addictions" to food/alcohol or whatever. They no longer have that "drive." Their priorities have changed and they no longer share interests with their partner, they no longer wish to fulfill their partner's desires.

I guess I am deluded in my thinking that all of this can be read into a person gaining a lot of weight WITHOUT a valid medical reason. And NO, turning XX age is not a valid reason to quit making that effort.

I guess if you look at all these changes in a partner without looking at the weight then you can theorize that maybe the spark is gone, and the offending partner is the one at fault, but factor in the kilo's/pounds and all of a sudden they are excused of any and all wrongdoings and the other person in the relationship is simply shallow.....

Bravo to you for defending an epidemic that is sweeping the world by storm, Bravo to you for championing peoples rights to weigh whatever the hell they want. But don't try to bull$hit anyone with half a brain that being overweight has no detrimental effects on a person and that the partners of these people should love them even more because now there is more to love.

Your entire attitude on this thread belongs in a fairy tale, albeit a dark and twisted one.
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Old 11-08-2011, 06:55 PM   #118 (permalink)
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Wow. Bravo to the above poster.
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Old 11-09-2011, 07:41 AM   #119 (permalink)
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Ignorant is trying to redesign the world's reality to suit yourself. Laurae. You can try to spin it all you like, but the number of obese people who have a legitimate reason for being overweight are far and away in the minority, and I don't count emotional instability as being legitimate.

You would deny that a person can be turned off by excess weight yet can say that people get depressed about their own weight and therefore eat for comfort.... does that not add up to the person being turned off by themselves????

You say that a man is shallow if he does not love a woman regardless of her weight. Yet a person who gains a lot of weight does not just physically change, their entire outlook changes. Their relationship with themself changes, they do not see things the same any more. These things all add up to a person who has changed, not just physically, but emotionally and mentally as well. Sure they are still the same person at their core, but they no longer have the same values and outlooks on life. Do these things not add into how they are seen by their SO?

How can you say that the partner MUST still find them as attractive for ALL of their attributes, when some of them have clearly changed for the worse. whatever excuses they want to throw around they are no longer that same person through and through that they were, if they have given up exercise, watching what they eat/drink, generally making an effort in that department, developed "addictions" to food/alcohol or whatever. They no longer have that "drive." Their priorities have changed and they no longer share interests with their partner, they no longer wish to fulfill their partner's desires.

I guess I am deluded in my thinking that all of this can be read into a person gaining a lot of weight WITHOUT a valid medical reason. And NO, turning XX age is not a valid reason to quit making that effort.

I guess if you look at all these changes in a partner without looking at the weight then you can theorize that maybe the spark is gone, and the offending partner is the one at fault, but factor in the kilo's/pounds and all of a sudden they are excused of any and all wrongdoings and the other person in the relationship is simply shallow.....

Bravo to you for defending an epidemic that is sweeping the world by storm, Bravo to you for championing peoples rights to weigh whatever the hell they want. But don't try to bull$hit anyone with half a brain that being overweight has no detrimental effects on a person and that the partners of these people should love them even more because now there is more to love.

Your entire attitude on this thread belongs in a fairy tale, albeit a dark and twisted one.
You seem to be making the same point even though you are being gravely insensitive about overweight people. You say its ok if the person changes emotionally and in tempermant, which I am sure EVERYONE has to agree to that. We are simply saying that mere weight gain alone...which I can actually account for after having 2 kids and aging...should not be the reason. Obviously if someone's personality has changed ( which not all overweight people experience) then the attraction to that person will also change. That's true not matter what that person weighs.

Anyway, I guess everyone has their own opinion as to what's important in a marriage. I personally just think it's sad if it's just soley based on physical appearance.
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Old 11-09-2011, 08:15 AM   #120 (permalink)
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Anyway, I guess everyone has their own opinion as to what's important in a marriage. I personally just think it's sad if it's just soley based on physical appearance.


Everything changes in life, especially appearance. Just go out 20, 30, or 40 years and see what you are then.

“Everything has its beauty, but not everyone sees it.” ~ Confucius


I personally am more concerned about what's on the 'inside' of a person - their character, their values, their heart.

“The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched, they must be felt with the heart.” ~ Helen Keller
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