In the midst of a conversation centering around fidelity and appropriate friends and boundaries, my husband disclosed that until recently he spent most of his time of facebook looking at friends' photos for sexual gratification but not masturbation (we don't have internet at home and he doesn't have a smartphone) when we were at the library or visiting family who had wifi. He friended women partially (at least 50%) so he could look at their photos and evaluate them sexually.
He has fewer than 100 facebook friends so these are all people he actually knows. He also revealed that he's had sexual fantasies (of different durations) about almost all of our acquaintances, including those over 70 years of age, my own mom, significantly overweight and unattractive women, the teller at the bank, his boss, several women at work, and his friends' kids "once they've grown up" ie sexual fantasies of what they would look like once they got older, like their mom or older sister, but not what they look like now (9-12 years old).
Part of the reason it bothers me is because he's had an EA that I found out about recently (she was fat, ugly, and emotionally unstable for a number of reasons), and I feel like his self-esteem as well as self-control are low. His boundaries are very low and we've had to reinforce them over the last year or so. He's young (27), but not super young. I've never had this problem in previous relationships because it never came up in conversation. I'd be happier not knowing, but I DO know. I feel like he's attracted to anything that seems remotely female and would have sex with it if given the opportunity and I'm supposed to just get over it. I've been feeling pretty sick over this, because I feel insecure and uncomfortable being around him in public.
He said he has around 30 sexual fantasies per day (studies show median for men is 19, average is 34 in number) ranging from a few seconds "flash" to a few minutes (while masturbating) which are, according to him, mostly me, then people we know, then porn stars, then faceless female bodies. He says in his fantasies they are 99% doggy style from behind sex, some include seduction ending up in doggy style, and it's mostly about domination.
How normal is this? How can we repair what feels like a really uncomfortable breach?
He has fewer than 100 facebook friends so these are all people he actually knows. He also revealed that he's had sexual fantasies (of different durations) about almost all of our acquaintances, including those over 70 years of age, my own mom, significantly overweight and unattractive women, the teller at the bank, his boss, several women at work, and his friends' kids "once they've grown up" ie sexual fantasies of what they would look like once they got older, like their mom or older sister, but not what they look like now (9-12 years old).
Part of the reason it bothers me is because he's had an EA that I found out about recently (she was fat, ugly, and emotionally unstable for a number of reasons), and I feel like his self-esteem as well as self-control are low. His boundaries are very low and we've had to reinforce them over the last year or so. He's young (27), but not super young. I've never had this problem in previous relationships because it never came up in conversation. I'd be happier not knowing, but I DO know. I feel like he's attracted to anything that seems remotely female and would have sex with it if given the opportunity and I'm supposed to just get over it. I've been feeling pretty sick over this, because I feel insecure and uncomfortable being around him in public.
He said he has around 30 sexual fantasies per day (studies show median for men is 19, average is 34 in number) ranging from a few seconds "flash" to a few minutes (while masturbating) which are, according to him, mostly me, then people we know, then porn stars, then faceless female bodies. He says in his fantasies they are 99% doggy style from behind sex, some include seduction ending up in doggy style, and it's mostly about domination.
How normal is this? How can we repair what feels like a really uncomfortable breach?