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post #16 of 37 (permalink) Old 07-11-2016, 11:59 AM
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Re: Need Honest Answers from men

I think we should refocus on the real question here.

Is it possible for a wife who has caught her husband watching porn to ever believe that he can stop?

You seem determined to believe that he is still watching despite his assurances that he is not. You don't trust him on this. You seem to be determined to not trust him. Now as Trust is the thing that relationships are made up of, Are there other things you don't trust him on? Are you willing to trust?

Also it seems that you are worried about the fairness of what you are giving in exchange for his faithfulness. This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. Are you participating sexually against your will? (duty sex)
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post #17 of 37 (permalink) Old 07-11-2016, 01:55 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Need Honest Answers from men

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I think we should refocus on the real question here.

Is it possible for a wife who has caught her husband watching porn to ever believe that he can stop?

You seem determined to believe that he is still watching despite his assurances that he is not. You don't trust him on this. You seem to be determined to not trust him. Now as Trust is the thing that relationships are made up of, Are there other things you don't trust him on? Are you willing to trust?

Also it seems that you are worried about the fairness of what you are giving in exchange for his faithfulness. This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. Are you participating sexually against your will? (duty sex)
This is the second time we have had the porn issue in our marriage so no... trust is not 100% there. It's not totally gone though. If we had of dealt with this issue 8 years ago when I first found it then I'm sure trust would be back now... but I didn't talk to him about it, just got mad told him to stop and he said he would. I trusted he would and have believed him for the last 8 years. This is part of the reason why I feel like when he tells me now that he wills top all together that it is not going to happen. I did not ask him this time to stop looking at porn.. I told him how it makes me feel and how it has negatively impacted our sex life but what hurt the most was the lies so I told him that if he feels like he is horny and I have not seem to be in the mood to let me know before turning to porn and if he does turn to porn be honest of when he uses it. This is what I asked of him, but he said he would stay away as he is torn up inside with seeing he pain and turmoil this has caused in our marriage and if he feel like he is not getting his needs met he said he would come to me and be more honest. I am not having sex with him now out of pity, I am starting to feel comfortable in my sexuality and am enjoying our sex life. It's not about fairness as much as mutual happiness. I am asking the question if men could really just give up looking at porn cold turkey after viewing it for 17 years as I am not trying to make my husband stop, just stop the lies and I worry that he is not being honest with himself and it may end up in another incident down the road which I do not want either.
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post #18 of 37 (permalink) Old 07-11-2016, 02:59 PM
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Re: Need Honest Answers from men

Thanks for the clarification Daisy. Your attitude is better than I had thought. You see clearly that the lies are more important than the porn. Make sure your husband is getting that message clearly. You will have to, at some point, remind yourself that this honesty is what you need most.
For your reassurance a man who can use 1 or 2 times in six months in not addicted. I think there is good possibility that a man can give up Porn after a long time using. In my case, I've pretty much lost interest in it. I only use on rare occasions when mutually satisfying sexual intercourse has not and will not be available.
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post #19 of 37 (permalink) Old 07-11-2016, 03:13 PM
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Re: Need Honest Answers from men

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I am asking the question if men could really just give up looking at porn cold turkey after viewing it for 17 years as I am not trying to make my husband stop, just stop the lies and I worry that he is not being honest with himself and it may end up in another incident down the road which I do not want either.
The answer to your question is, it depends on the individual. I know people who successfully quit smoking cold turkey and others who couldn't do it even after being diagnosed with lung cancer.

The more fundamental issue is whether or not he really wants to. Understand that not all masturbation occurs because of a shortfall or inaccessibility to sex with a partner. There may be times he simply wants the different experience. Based upon you reaction, I don't see him feeling very comfortable telling you he was watching porn and I don't see why you would want him to. You really just want him to stop, right?

Just curious, is it the porn or the masturbation? If he closed his eyes and masturbated while thinking of you, would that be OK? How about if he thought about other women when he closed his eyes?

Personally, I don't see casual pornography usage by men to be materially different than usage of romance novels/movies by women.

I'm not telling you that you are wrong for your feelings. You are entitled to have your objection. We all have our boundaries and needs are needs. You need your husband to stop using porn. He may not be willing to. What will you do?
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post #20 of 37 (permalink) Old 07-19-2016, 03:43 PM
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Re: Need Honest Answers from men

Dear OP.

This is VERY individual, but my wife watches porn with me and we can use it to really get going. There are millions of different porn movies there, from the most romantic soft core to the point of cutting up each other with dull knives. I would assume you lean more towards the former

Otherwise, you seem like a great wife, (not better than mine though, LOL) really knowing and understanding your man. Bless You.

Will he see LESS porn as you get kinkier, hornier and hotter? I think it may very well end up being the opposite. I really don't think porn is anything but constructive for a healthy marriage. It gives lots of ideas for sex as well and the more sex you have, the longer you tend to live, so use it.

(My wife makes half the heads (of women) turn as cute as she is. Still, I watch tons of porn when I have time and feel for it. She also LOVES looking at female bodies and has even been checking out girls for the type of boobs she wants next, LOLLOL. This is something she has always wanted and I have not even mentioned it.

Anyways, just wanted to let you know that men are men; a tiger will eat, sleep and have sex; men are very irrational from a female pov about porn and it seems more hardwired to our DNA than saying good morning. This does not at all look like any problem to me. I think you are over-reacting.

Finally: If you want to/ are able to, try to watch some porn yourself once. I would find a romantic straight sex between a couple. Try to imagine how it affects a man's brain. I love my wife to death; her butt in yoga pants takes people's breath away, but I still watch porn. Just like a friend of mine cheated on his fitness competing girlfriend while she was in Australia with something far less than average looking, to say such.

Men's brains are also complex, just more direct in it's complexity, LOL.
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post #21 of 37 (permalink) Old 07-19-2016, 05:54 PM
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Re: Need Honest Answers from men

It is possible that by trying to ban your husband from watching porn, you only encourage him to do it behind your back more because he's not 'turned on' by you nagging him.

Also, duty sex is not sexy, not for me. I put up with it for enough years.
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post #22 of 37 (permalink) Old 07-21-2016, 04:10 PM
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Re: Need Honest Answers from men

So, I have a sort of similar situation to yours, but with role reversal.

You can read my thread here:

Jealous of wife's masturbation


Long story short I discovered my wife was choosing masturbation over me and flat out lying about it. I was dealing with a lot of rejection when trying to get sex and when I dug deeper I found out she was going solo, with porn all the time. This hurt me. Now the porn is more the less a tool for her to get off quicker and get the job over with so I'm not really upset with the porn as I am the rejection and deception.

From your situation it sounds like you guys have healthy sex life. So first there's a few things you need to ask yourself.

1) Am I satisfied sexually and is he meeting my needs or leaving me high and dry?

2) Is he cheating on me or trying to cheat on me?

3) What bothers me more, the masturbating or the porn itself?

It would seem #1 is ok. It would seem #2 for you is okay. Your feelings on #3 will hold some clues for you to understand why this is bothering you.

As far as a plan of action, here's what you need to do. Don't bring it up to him for awhile and drop the subject. Take some time to reflect on why it bothers you, because chances are he doesn't understand. And if you don't understand clearly you won't be able to make him understand.

Remember, it is scientifically proven that people behave differently when they know or believe they are being watched vs. when they know are believe they aren't being watched. Since he likely doesn't understand your feelings it's likely he'll continue, but he'll just do a better job lying in order to protect your feelings from being hurt and from him having to be bothered with it.

During this time I would check his browser history or his phone. Try to understand his patterns. See what he watched and when. You might get a better understanding of what triggers him to watch porn or what types of porn and you may be surprised. Once you have a better understanding of his habits and your feelings about them you can re-approach the situation later and hopefully have better results.

Remember, these days watching porn is considered very normal. That doesn't make your hurt feelings any less real, but most people will approach this from that standpoint first.

Now I don't care that my wife watches porn and I understand sometimes people just have to masturbate. What hurts me is when she chooses that and either lies to me or ignores my needs. Today is a prime example. My wife is on her period and during that time refuses to fool around with me in any fashion. Totally off limits. But I'm 90% sure she masturbated today. When I check her phone I'm almost certain to find evidence of that. That is unfair, control and lying.

It could be worse, it could be cheating. But I have an unfair sexual partner, and that's not cool. Question is do you have an unfair sexual partner or just a guy who likes porn on his time?
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post #23 of 37 (permalink) Old 07-25-2016, 03:03 AM
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Re: Need Honest Answers from men

I don't think there's anything wrong with a spouse watching porn as long as it is not excessive and taking away from your sex life. I would rather my husband watch porn then to have sex with another woman. My problem would be with dishonesty or lying about watching it. I myself have watched porn without him, not often but I have. We have a very healthy sex life. Try not to overthink him watching it....it could be something much worse.


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post #24 of 37 (permalink) Old 07-25-2016, 03:15 AM
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Re: Need Honest Answers from men

A normal man might use porn to subsdize a lack of sex/quality sex .
If not used daily , it is noit an addiction

My opinion is that when a partner becomes mature enough to consider masturbation as normal , that partner can enjoy any type of sex with a partner .

some men are LD , others are HD , what do you suggest to have a desire releived ?

and by the way most of us even the HD type partners disgust having vanilla boring sex , we sometimes prefer even MB over it .
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post #25 of 37 (permalink) Old 07-28-2016, 03:45 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Need Honest Answers from men

Thank you everyone for the advice/opinions. I have talked to my husband and I let him know that if this is something he needs to or wants to do that all I want is honesty and no more lies. He told me that he was devastated with how much this has hurt me that he has no desire to watch porn anymore. He said that he will be more vocals in his needs and if he feels we are going to long without sex he will tell me or he feels he needs more he will tell me. I don't know what to do. My husband is a wonderful man and I am inclined to believe what he is saying. Am I being naive?
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post #26 of 37 (permalink) Old 07-28-2016, 04:09 PM
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Re: Need Honest Answers from men

Daisy12 - I think you need to look at your desire to control / insecurity about this issue.

We're a bunch of internet strangers. It sounds like he's legitimately remorseful about hurting you and you have a good sex life. Take yes for an answer and be happy. Stop trying to prolong this as a marital issue.

"There isn't a word that's been invented yet that could describe that man's madness." Noel Gallagher
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post #27 of 37 (permalink) Old 07-28-2016, 04:13 PM
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Re: Need Honest Answers from men

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My question is should I believe him. Has any other man used porn to masturbate when the wife didn't want to have sex and then stopped using all together when sex life increased, or does porn have some other hold that I am not aware off.
There was a point a while back where porn was very appealing to me b/c of a lack of a sex life. Eventually though I got to the point where I found it easier to manage lack of sex by trying to shut myself off completely from any form of sexual stimulation. Things since though have improved dramatically, so I have no desire for porn if my W and I are having an active/healthy sex life. That being said, one interesting note, as our sex life has gotten back to being active, what I have found is that having sex kind of super charges my libido. The downside of that, with 3 young kids at home it is not always possible to do anything (we are as likely to have sex 3x a week as we are no sex in a week). Definitely makes it harder to keep myself in check, so I could see where some may still look to porn/masturbation even though they have a healthy sex life.
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post #28 of 37 (permalink) Old 08-18-2016, 02:52 PM
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Re: Need Honest Answers from men

Ask your husband to give you hugs or cuddling often and try the 30 second kiss a few times a day. It might help that you will want as much sex as he wants although you're pretty much doing that. This is suppose to help due the hormones Oxycontin produced by the brain.
Ask him to write a love letter explaining why he is watching porn. Don't judge him, instead ask him questions and try to resolve the issue.
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post #29 of 37 (permalink) Old 09-18-2016, 12:06 PM
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Personally I don't see a problem if you are both having good sex together regularly. If my wife masturbates regularly, looks at porn or reads erotic fiction, (she's done all of this with my knowledge) so what, as long as she comes to me for actual sex, and she the same with me. I do think this aversion to porn comes from a desire to control, and maybe insecurity.

Masturbation is often just a stress reliever for men at least.
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post #30 of 37 (permalink) Old 12-16-2016, 02:48 PM
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Re: Need Honest Answers from men

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I got really angry at him but we never really talked about why he was using how it made me feel and what not. Just kind of dropped it and thought he would stop.
I hate to admit it but my wife and I did not TALK about our sexual issues nor any other thing that did or might have bothered us! We had such a good, friendly and LOVING union that I did not want to rock the boat so I clammed up early in our relationship even though I knew, from doing therapy, that talking about stuff was CRITICAL and my (late) wife was never much of a talker but her occasional "digs" told me that things were indeed bothering her! We committed the most serious blunder of all by FAILING to talk about stuff even if it was hurtful. I absolutely knew how to engage in a respectful, friendly discussion of ANYTHING but got timid after seeing how upset my beloved partner would get so I began sweeping things under the carpet to KEEP THE PEACE! In the end a lot of unhappy stuff began to pop up when my late wife no longer had the strength to hold down her feelings so I could see that her repression and Denial of her feelings was going to finally burst forth - and then she died!

Now for the last 3 years Our sex life has improved greatly. I started being more adventurous, wearing lingerie and the frequency has increased. I won't lie there still was time that we may go 5 or 6 days but I was unaware of how my husband would get irritable and not be able to sleep while he was horny. And I assume that he NEVER said anything!

My question is should I believe him. Has any other man used porn to masturbate when the wife didn't want to have sex and then stopped using all together when sex life increased, or does porn have some other hold that I am not aware off. My use of Porn was about quick, easy, safe, controllable excitement and pleasures that I did not find with my late wife even though our sex activities were very, very good and usually easy. I sometimes told myself that I was watching porn to get some new and different methods and ideas for my wife and I but always knew that she did not like me watching porn. I tried to tell her that this would not lower her self worth for me but didn't realize that I was being UNFAITHFUL and Disrespectful (cheating) by sitting here drooling over other females.

Thanks for reading and commenting.. sorry for the long rant. We have 4 kids and I want to save our marriage but I need to know if him giving it up is going to be hard for him but possible to do. P.S. He has been a great husband and father in every other area of our life. IMO, giving up the cheating aspects of porn should be easy and I gave up watching porn as soon as I realized how much I was HURTING my late wife with that activity but I can see, now that it's too late, that FAILING to talk things out and explain my "needs" or desires was the real problem - not porn or a reluctance to go to bed with her. We FAILED to get straight and real with each other for the sake of KEEPING THE PEACE and our union was very happy and friendly for the most part. I knew that we were caught in a Codependent Trap where we chose silence and safety over openness and HONESTY by speaking up so, should I find my self in another relationship, I will be VERY OUT SPOKEN about what concerns me and invite my partner to do the same.

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