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post #31 of 37 (permalink) Old 12-16-2016, 03:01 PM
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Re: Need Honest Answers from men

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Thank you for the honest answers. To clarify back in that point of our marriage I was suffering with postpartum Depression. Our marriage was not good at that time and I hold no angry at my husband for watching porn back then as I know I checked out... but the last 5 year I have gotten treatment and have lost 70 pounds and my sex drive has increased to where it was before the kids. In the last 3 year I can say that I have been horny lots of times in bed waiting for my husband to come to bed and he has been downstairs thinking I am not interested. I know poor communication on our part. We have worked on that.. so I don't see me reverting back to not wanting sex. What makes me upset now is all the extra things I do, bj for no reason, sexy notes, texts, different locations, lingerie, different positions...etc.. I think you get the point. I love doing all those things, I love having sex with my husband but if I am doing all this and he is still looking at porn
Here is my experience about that. I now see that I selected porn over being in bed with my wife due to some subtle sense of fear of her and shame about myself, so looking at porn was easier, safer, a little more exciting but mostly more convenient and I could control the show or jump to other videos at will. For me, it came down to being safe, in control and finding a level of excitement that was not always there with my late wife. I am sure there is much more to this condition where I preferred sexy videos and masturbation over interacting with a REAL person which kind of goes back to how I started masturbating in the first place when having sex with some real person was not possible for me back then.

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post #32 of 37 (permalink) Old 12-16-2016, 03:21 PM
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Re: Need Honest Answers from men

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.....as I am not trying to make my husband stop, just stop the lies and I worry that he is not being honest with himself and it may end up in another incident down the road which I do not want either.
We started off with a pledge to be 100% HONEST withe each other and that worked "most of the time" but, when we got a computer and I had access to porn, I kept it a secret (lies) as long as I could but porn never became an addiction for me. When my late wife realized that I was looking at porn, she was a little upset but made jokes about it so I stopped out of respect and FEAR. There were very few LIES between us and we deeply loved and respected each other BUT........... we simply did not TALK enough - especially about things that bothered us and, she was so cool and non-verbal that it seemed NOTHING bothered her so we just fell into a pattern of IGNORING our feelings to KEEP THE PEACE.
Since both of us had survived bad family situations, being in a happy, trouble-free, SAFE union was all we ever wanted so neither of us had the courage to rock the boat once we found happiness and genuine LOVE here. The sad thing is that these LIES began to accumulate and it became increasingly difficult to be 100% honest while sitting here looking at porn while she slept or tossed and turned in our bedroom! UGH! It is so damned obvious what happened to us now that it's too late to get HONEST and stop the LIES!
Being dishonest and COWARDLY wrecks most relationships and probably would have wrecked ours (no kids) eventually but my late wife crossed over before we had time to get real with each other.

Please, please, please do not allow fear, shame or anger to prevent you BOTH from talking about things and finding happy solutions through HONEST & courageous communication - especially for the mental health of your children!

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post #33 of 37 (permalink) Old 12-16-2016, 03:25 PM
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Re: Need Honest Answers from men

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I don't know what to do. My husband is a wonderful man and I am inclined to believe what he is saying. Am I being naive?
I'd say be willing to trust him BUT watch him! Don't let any LIES creep back into the marriage!

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post #34 of 37 (permalink) Old 12-16-2016, 03:46 PM
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Re: Need Honest Answers from men

5 or 6 days is enough of a stretch for me that I'd pull at it to porn. However if I were getting it 5 to 6 days a week, I wouldn't need porn. Your husband is high drive, like me. I need to orgasm at least once a day.

Should you believe him? I'd be willing to bet that he's not using it when you're having sex several times a week, but once you hit those 5-6 days without, he's firing up his keyboard lover.
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post #35 of 37 (permalink) Old 12-16-2016, 04:02 PM
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Re: Need Honest Answers from men

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Can men truly just use porn only twice in a 6 month period for masturbating purposes and not think about it anymore than that?
Sure they can. If I'm getting it regular, I don't think about porn. It's purely a utilitarian thing. Means to an end. I'd WAY rather have the real thing. Back when I was married, we did it maybe once a week, twice if I was REALLY lucky. That was not enough for me, so I used porn in between.

When we were in false R and hysterical bonding (sex every night), I never thought about porn, not even once. I'd want to "save myself" for her. But if she wouldn't give it to me....
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post #36 of 37 (permalink) Old 12-18-2016, 02:12 PM
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Re: Need Honest Answers from men

I travel frequently for work and as a result spend many lonely nights in hotels. I sometimes use porn to pass the time so to speak. My wife has always known this, we have even watched it together and often make our own. She always said she never had a problem with it till now when I caught her cheating on me. I think she's just using that an an excuse but thats a different topic.

For me personally...when I sit in a hotel room and browse porn 99% of the time I will close the browser and navigate back to our personal porn photos and videos my wife and I have made and "finish" to those. My point being is I use porn as a stimulant and thus generate fantasies and scenes in my own head with my wife being the porn star in the end.

If your sex life is good at home in real life that may be what he is doing.
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post #37 of 37 (permalink) Old 12-22-2016, 08:20 PM
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Re: Need Honest Answers from men

Yes, I agree with the first response. Porn is incredibly boring after a while as it's the same rubbish. I much prefer my (real life) wife but when she is not available, porn can provide a mean to an end, nothing more. My wife knows I watch it occasionally and while she'd prefer me not to watch it, she doesn't mind but I have told her if it bothered her, I would give it up completely. It is of no meaning beyond a quick relief.

I also did the same thing: videoed my wife and took some photos and I much prefer to look at her/us because I can remember what it felt like. the only problem is that I always get paranoid to make sure i click on the right folder next time we gather together for a family slide show...

It is biased advice but I wouldn't give him a hard time about it unless he does it obsessively and it has turned into an addiction at the expense of your love life.
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