Need Honest Answers from men - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 37 (permalink) Old 07-10-2016, 06:12 PM Thread Starter
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Need Honest Answers from men

Hi, I Have been lurking on this website for a while.. Have gotten some great advice from reading everyone's honest answer to tough questions. I have a question for the men on this board.

My Husband and I have been married for 18 years. Marriage has been rocky at time but overall pretty good. About 8 years ago between the birth of third and fourth child I caught my husband using porn. He told me he used it off and on for the duration of our marriage but a lot the last few years as my sex drive had slowed down. This is true, with raising the kids and working full time in the evening life was busy and we were not having sex as much. I got really angry at him but we never really talked about why he was using how it made me feel and what not. Just kind of dropped it and thought he would stop.

Now for the last 3 years Our sex life has improved greatly. I started being more adventurous, wearing lingerie and the frequency has increased. I won't lie there still was time that we may go 5 or 6 days but I was unaware of how my husband would get irritable and not be able to sleep while he was horny.

Now 6 weeks ago I brought up the porn again and asked if he was still watching and he quickly said no, but later on told me that he had slowed down for a long time after the first time I caught him but was still watching in those times that we would go more than 6 days. He told me that in the last 6 month he watched it twice. We talked this time.. I told him how it makes me feel, he told me what he needed from our sex life and we are now having sex 5 to 6 times a week and we are really enjoying it. My husband has promised me that he will not watch it anymore. That he didn't understand how much it hurt me and our marriage as the first time I just got mad. He said he is happy with our sex life and as long as he can have his needs met by me than he will have no need for porn. He has told me seeing the pain I was in was enough reason for him to stop watching.

My question is should I believe him. Has any other man used porn to masturbate when the wife didn't want to have sex and then stopped using all together when sex life increased, or does porn have some other hold that I am not aware off.

Thanks for reading and commenting.. sorry for the long rant. We have 4 kids and I want to save our marriage but I need to know if him giving it up is going to be hard for him but possible to do. P.S. He has been a great husband and father in every other area of our life.
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post #2 of 37 (permalink) Old 07-10-2016, 06:46 PM
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Re: Need Honest Answers from men

OP,
Does he have an addictive personality? It is quite possible that he was never completely enthralled with porn but that it was a means to an end during the slow times in your intimacy. I would not borrow trouble so if he says he no longer needs it and prefers intimacy with his wife why would you not believe him? It can be guilty until proven innocent or innocent until proven guilty, it is your call but if he has not given you cause to doubt him previously, I would opt for the latter.

Personally I have never found porn particularly stimulating. It lacks reality and I am not very imaginative. I much preferred my wife and even invested in video recording devices, in years past before technology put a video recorder into telephones, so that she could make me homemade porn (solo of course) with her as the star. She was less than enthusiastic but that is a post for another thread.

In any event, for some men porn is actually not that captivating.

Peace and long life

Last edited by NoChoice; 07-10-2016 at 06:54 PM.
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post #3 of 37 (permalink) Old 07-10-2016, 07:03 PM
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Re: Need Honest Answers from men

Omg yes.......I will be equally honest...when our spouses decide they are not interested in sex and will not even take the time to take care of your needs then us men revert back to what we did before our spouse came along.....and yes that includes porn at times. Men are visual creatures, and looking at porn helps in our masturbatory process. Now I agree it can get out of hand like anything else but it hasn't been an issue with me. But if your offering sex several times a week, and God love you, then there is no need for porn. Lucky man
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post #4 of 37 (permalink) Old 07-10-2016, 07:07 PM
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Re: Need Honest Answers from men

I wouldn't worry about it one way or the other. It sounds like everything else is going well for you, so I would just relax.

It certainly isn't worth wondering about your marriage!

Always remember the LD motto: "Sex isn't important!!!"
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post #5 of 37 (permalink) Old 07-10-2016, 07:12 PM
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Re: Need Honest Answers from men

It sounds like you have a really healthy sex life. His porn uses hasn't effected that. I know it makes you feel insecure, but for most men it really isn't much more then a like how a vibrator is for women. It has not emotional connection for them at all. It's pure fantasy.
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post #6 of 37 (permalink) Old 07-10-2016, 07:33 PM
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Re: Need Honest Answers from men

Google "Your brain on porn". Maybe have him check out the No Fap movement, maybe he'd be interested.
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post #7 of 37 (permalink) Old 07-10-2016, 08:07 PM
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Re: Need Honest Answers from men

The more important question, how long until you slack off on the 5 or 6 times a week.

Yes I have to Q1, Q2 not really answerable as 'improved' was from hardly any to barely tolerable. But, on the rare occasion things approach what a fair minded guy would say is reasonable for a short period of time, there is no need for porn.
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post #8 of 37 (permalink) Old 07-10-2016, 08:38 PM
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Re: Need Honest Answers from men

I had the same talk about sex with my wife, she hasn't change a dam thing. We went from 3 to 4 times a week to 2 to 3 times a month. It is to the point that resentment runs deep. And before anything is said she is a homebody, never goes out unless it is with me. The only thing she does is band with our kids.
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post #9 of 37 (permalink) Old 07-10-2016, 08:41 PM
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post #10 of 37 (permalink) Old 07-11-2016, 03:58 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Need Honest Answers from men

Thank you for the honest answers. To clarify back in that point of our marriage I was suffering with postpartum Depression. Our marriage was not good at that time and I hold no angry at my husband for watching porn back then as I know I checked out... but the last 5 year I have gotten treatment and have lost 70 pounds and my sex drive has increased to where it was before the kids. In the last 3 year I can say that I have been horny lots of times in bed waiting for my husband to come to bed and he has been downstairs thinking I am not interested. I know poor communication on our part. We have worked on that.. so I don't see me reverting back to not wanting sex. What makes me upset now is all the extra things I do, bj for no reason, sexy notes, texts, different locations, lingerie, different positions...etc.. I think you get the point. I love doing all those things, I love having sex with my husband but if I am doing all this and he is still looking at porn It makes me feel like i'm not enough. I just worry is he going to miss that stimulation of looking at all those other girls and what happens when in the near future I am to have a surgery and be off work for 6 weeks and possible sex. Can men truly just use porn only twice in a 6 month period for masturbating purposes and not think about it anymore than that?
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post #11 of 37 (permalink) Old 07-11-2016, 06:21 AM
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Re: Need Honest Answers from men

The answer is yes....but let qualify that yes with this..
1. He does not have addiction problem
2. As you noted communication is expressed from both sides
3. Desire is there (both sides)
4. He is not suppressing anger towards you, for what he felt as the cold shoulder ( this is on him to fix)
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post #12 of 37 (permalink) Old 07-11-2016, 06:42 AM
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Re: Need Honest Answers from men

Quote:
Originally Posted by Daisy12 View Post
Thank you for the honest answers. To clarify back in that point of our marriage I was suffering with postpartum Depression. Our marriage was not good at that time and I hold no angry at my husband for watching porn back then as I know I checked out... but the last 5 year I have gotten treatment and have lost 70 pounds and my sex drive has increased to where it was before the kids. In the last 3 year I can say that I have been horny lots of times in bed waiting for my husband to come to bed and he has been downstairs thinking I am not interested. I know poor communication on our part. We have worked on that.. so I don't see me reverting back to not wanting sex. What makes me upset now is all the extra things I do, bj for no reason, sexy notes, texts, different locations, lingerie, different positions...etc.. I think you get the point. I love doing all those things, I love having sex with my husband but if I am doing all this and he is still looking at porn It makes me feel like i'm not enough. I just worry is he going to miss that stimulation of looking at all those other girls and what happens when in the near future I am to have a surgery and be off work for 6 weeks and possible sex. Can men truly just use porn only twice in a 6 month period for masturbating purposes and not think about it anymore than that?
All else being equal, and from what you describe here in this thread, then, yeah, it's entirely possible.

I haven't used porn in the entire four year relationship with my wife. To be fair, she is the one who will actually suggest we watch it together from time to time, so she has no issues with porn what so ever.

"Let's never stop having sex. We're so good at it, we OWE it to sex to never stop having it."
-My wife
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post #13 of 37 (permalink) Old 07-11-2016, 09:42 AM
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Re: Need Honest Answers from men

I think you should believe him. My wife and I have been married for 9 years and before we meet I watched porn frequently and just stopped after even though our marriage has been mostly with very low frequency of sex I never looked at it other then few times she wanted to watch together until she for various reasons told me to but if she started to have interest in us again I would stop with no problem.

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post #14 of 37 (permalink) Old 07-11-2016, 10:12 AM
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Re: Need Honest Answers from men

Quote:
Originally Posted by Daisy12 View Post
Thank you for the honest answers. To clarify back in that point of our marriage I was suffering with postpartum Depression. Our marriage was not good at that time and I hold no angry at my husband for watching porn back then as I know I checked out... but the last 5 year I have gotten treatment and have lost 70 pounds and my sex drive has increased to where it was before the kids. In the last 3 year I can say that I have been horny lots of times in bed waiting for my husband to come to bed and he has been downstairs thinking I am not interested. I know poor communication on our part. We have worked on that.. so I don't see me reverting back to not wanting sex. What makes me upset now is all the extra things I do, bj for no reason, sexy notes, texts, different locations, lingerie, different positions...etc.. I think you get the point. I love doing all those things, I love having sex with my husband but if I am doing all this and he is still looking at porn It makes me feel like i'm not enough. I just worry is he going to miss that stimulation of looking at all those other girls and what happens when in the near future I am to have a surgery and be off work for 6 weeks and possible sex. Can men truly just use porn only twice in a 6 month period for masturbating purposes and not think about it anymore than that?
From what you've written:

I really wouldn't worry about this. He doesn't seen to have a problem with it and from my experience-- there's nothing about the porn that is personal or whatever. I never really masturbated to it. I would just go to bed really wanting some action with the wife. I never really thought about any of the porn women during sex. Yes, I liked looking at sexy women's bodies. I didn't really expect the wife to look like that, still found her attractive as usual, and didn't compare her to them.

Unless he gets addicted to it, I don't think it's a huge deal. However, I do think it's a negative influence on one's mind and is addictive and am glad I haven't used it in a year or two. I still get the urge to look once in a while. But no big deal. I'm fine without it.

I think he just gets the urge to see that crap once in a while and it's nothing to get overly pissed about.

Sounds like you have a great marriage, honestly. I'm jealous.
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post #15 of 37 (permalink) Old 07-11-2016, 10:14 AM
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Re: Need Honest Answers from men

Too much of anything is not good for anyone.

The bigger issue is if this is affecting his ability to perform and actively have a satisfactory sex life with you. if he is initiating and meeting your needs, I'd stop worrying.
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