The Good Wife: Part 3 - Page 2
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Old 11-04-2011, 09:53 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Default Re: The Good Wife: Part 3

Mem, desire is a funny thing. It sounds to me like she DOES have desire. She desires to please you, she desire to be a good wife, she desires to be there for you. She probably desires the connection and an orgasm as well, but doesn not desire the pain, or overhead that comes with it. Or maybe she doesn't desire anything sexually for herself right now.

The point is, she is still desiring to connect with you, just differently.

If you guys work around her issues, and find ways to connect that don't involve pain or intercourse - it's win win.

Maybe you get oral, and she gets a really nice neck massage. Your still connecting, both enjoying an act and both making each other feel good and loved.

She might start looking forward to to her back and neck rubs several times a week!
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Old 11-04-2011, 09:54 AM   #17 (permalink)
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Wow, what part of the world are you in that your posting at 4 am?
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Old 11-04-2011, 09:11 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Hello MEM,

I've been on TAM for some time, always followed your posts and am familiar with your story.

Have you tried writing her a letter and leaving it for her as you leave? It sounds cliche, but there is power in the written word that sometimes humans can't quite capture verbally.

I work in a hotel frequented by business travelers. Long time ago, a woman dropped a card from her bag. When I picked it up, she voluntarily informed me it was from her husband (I didn't ask), basically saying how much he missed her when she was gone, loved her, etc. She heard it all the time, but the written words from his hand struck her in a way that was very meaningful.
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Old 11-04-2011, 09:18 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Default Re: The Good Wife: Part 3

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Originally Posted by Whip Morgan View Post
Hello MEM,

I've been on TAM for some time, always followed your posts and am familiar with your story.

Have you tried writing her a letter and leaving it for her as you leave? It sounds cliche, but there is power in the written word that sometimes humans can't quite capture verbally.

I work in a hotel frequented by business travelers. Long time ago, a woman dropped a card from her bag. When I picked it up, she voluntarily informed me it was from her husband (I didn't ask), basically saying how much he missed her when she was gone, loved her, etc. She heard it all the time, but the written words from his hand struck her in a way that was very meaningful.
ive kind of had something to drink, not sure where i am going with this but, i met my wife online, knew her for 3 years and then met her and we married, it was great but long distance is killing us, i could pour my heart out to her, but when she is mad, she completely ignores the 8 paragraphs i send her and says "Good for you." when i just literally told her i am at her feet and offering my whole heart and life to her...


BUT MEM i did manage to read all your threads, or as much as i could handle in a few hours, and i can honestly say, i feel for you, bro...

Also, how is the sex, once you and your wife do make love? (i really don't mean to intrude, just being nosy like everyone else >_< )
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Old 11-04-2011, 11:50 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Whip,
I wrote her a love letter a couple weeks ago. She wrote me one back the next day.
She knows how I feel.


TE=Whip Morgan;472136]Hello MEM,

I've been on TAM for some time, always followed your posts and am familiar with your story.

Have you tried writing her a letter and leaving it for her as you leave? It sounds cliche, but there is power in the written word that sometimes humans can't quite capture verbally.

I work in a hotel frequented by business travelers. Long time ago, a woman dropped a card from her bag. When I picked it up, she voluntarily informed me it was from her husband (I didn't ask), basically saying how much he missed her when she was gone, loved her, etc. She heard it all the time, but the written words from his hand struck her in a way that was very meaningful.[/QUOTE]
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Old 11-04-2011, 11:54 PM   #21 (permalink)
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Not sure which ones you read. I LOVE my W. She can be challenging but I knew that way before we married. As for our sex life,
While frequency is sometimes less than I would like, the experience itself is incredible.
And on frequency she has always met me halfway or more than half way.



E=iDeal;472149]ive kind of had something to drink, not sure where i am going with this but, i met my wife online, knew her for 3 years and then met her and we married, it was great but long distance is killing us, i could pour my heart out to her, but when she is mad, she completely ignores the 8 paragraphs i send her and says "Good for you." when i just literally told her i am at her feet and offering my whole heart and life to her...


BUT MEM i did manage to read all your threads, or as much as i could handle in a few hours, and i can honestly say, i feel for you, bro...

Also, how is the sex, once you and your wife do make love? (i really don't mean to intrude, just being nosy like everyone else >_< )[/QUOTE]
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Old 11-05-2011, 12:41 AM   #22 (permalink)
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Default Re: The Good Wife: Part 3

MEM,

I think maybe your right.... "the less said the better". At least in this instance. But keeping up the other signals of love is spot on. Reassuring to her but not anxiety triggers.

Bright eyes?
Were they lulu lemon pants? Cuz those are awesome! Lol.
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Old 11-05-2011, 07:59 AM   #23 (permalink)
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Default Re: The Good Wife: Part 3

The issues you outline with your spouse hit particularly hard for me due to what went on with my ex. Moreso, because rather than opening a dialogue about what she was feeling and how we could work around it, she chose to internalize, avoid, and, eventually project her anxiety and resent over onto me.

This has been banging around in the back of my head since you posted. Were these issues going on when she claimed she didn't know if she would want to 'go on having sex with you for the next 20 years'?

I'm paraphrasing the circumstance, and I myself am probably projecting, because I fully believe that is the rationale my ex made in building up her aversion.

I'm thinking out loud. In no way am I suggesting this is something that will happen in your case. Your ability to communicate makes ALL the difference.

Still, tough circumstances, wish you both the best.
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Old 11-05-2011, 09:53 AM   #24 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by MEM11363 View Post
Bright,
I swear to God I did not intend to express dissatisfaction. Really and truly. I expressed anxiety that this was causing her resentment - hmmm - I really am an idiot since she was the one who initiated. I told her I really do know she loves me and is committed to me and that the fact she is willing to continue to connect with me even though it isn't doing anything for her is just another example of her being a great wife.

Still - you are right. Somehow this all came across as me not being happy with her. Which was NOT my intent. I really truly don't know how it came across that way but somehow it did.

Oh well. I think going forward the less said on this topic the better.
Hmmm... I bolded something from one of your responses. See, I think you need to have a perspective change here. You are thinking that because she is not feeling the desire in the way she used to that she then is getting nothing from connecting with you, while she has TOLD you that she does. She is still getting that emotional connection with you, even if she does not necessarily get all of the same physical ones that she used to. Does this not count?

You know what? Growing older really stinks. It just really does at times. As a woman, I get to have the joys of going through menopause too. Maybe it will be better than all of the problems I've had over the last 2 years in perimenopause, but who can know. There's a lot of information and support out there for women about perimenopause/menopause anymore.

But, there's not much out there for men in trying to figure out how to manage in the relationship when something like menopause is going on. A man knows his wife will likely go through this (although he may be very surprised when he starts to figure out it is happening), but I imagine there's a lot of fears and anxiety about what it will mean to him - will it affect her drive and your intimacy, will it affect her moods, will she seem like a totally different person, am I just a crazy and insensitive man for worrying about these things? I don't think it's wrong for a husband to be worried, anxious, and concerned - you're human, after all.

My only suggestion is that you really look at what she is telling you and try and believe her. You seem worried she will garner resentment because somehow you still have your physical desire while hers has diminished. She tells you that she loves you, she tells you that she wants to connect with you, she tells you that she gets much out of connecting with you in the way she is able to right now. BELIEVE HER. SHOW her that you believe her. When she approaches you - be generous, be enthusiastic, be happy. Are you not the one who says that your ACTIONS will speak louder than your words?

Believe me, she is likely having many of the same anxieties that you are - worrying about not being able to please you anymore, worrying your desire may diminsh because of that, worrying about aging. It can do a real number on both a husband and wife's psyche.

You can help soothe her anxieties (and yours) by joyfully accepting, and even initiating, with her. SHOW her that you love her, MEM, and joyfully accept whatever way she is capable of responding in. Don't let both of your various anxieties overwhelm you. You can get through this - you two have built a strong foundation together. Weathering this particular storm and coming out the other side together can only make it stronger if you let it.

God Bless.
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Last edited by Enchantment; 11-05-2011 at 09:59 AM.
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Old 11-05-2011, 12:01 PM   #25 (permalink)
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E,
Great advice. Last night I got home after being away on biz during the week. And she glowed and I glowed back and we had this long long hug. We talked a couple minutes I said hi to the kids. And then I took out a new board game and we started playing. And halfway through the game she casually asks if she said anything "wrong" the other night. I made and held eye contact "most of what you told me was very positive. The rest was completely honest, I love that you are so straight with me it is a huge strength and a beautiful trait that you have". And then I went back to playing the board game and she started playing footsie with me under the table.

And one thing led to another. Seems like I have two choices:
- seem anxious and less than happy which makes her feel inadequate or
- accept her love and commitment and continue to treat her like gold

I choose door number two. Oh and fwiw she continues to have real pain down there and we have not had intercourse for almost a month.



E=Enchantment;472439]Hmmm... I bolded something from one of your responses. See, I think you need to have a perspective change here. You are thinking that because she is not feeling the desire in the way she used to that she then is getting nothing from connecting with you, while she has TOLD you that she does. She is still getting that emotional connection with you, even if she does not necessarily get all of the same physical ones that she used to. Does this not count?

You know what? Growing older really stinks. It just really does at times. As a woman, I get to have the joys of going through menopause too. Maybe it will be better than all of the problems I've had over the last 2 years in perimenopause, but who can know. There's a lot of information and support out there for women about perimenopause/menopause anymore.

But, there's not much out there for men in trying to figure out how to manage in the relationship when something like menopause is going on. A man knows his wife will likely go through this (although he may be very surprised when he starts to figure out it is happening), but I imagine there's a lot of fears and anxiety about what it will mean to him - will it affect her drive and your intimacy, will it affect her moods, will she seem like a totally different person, am I just a crazy and insensitive man for worrying about these things? I don't think it's wrong for a husband to be worried, anxious, and concerned - you're human, after all.

My only suggestion is that you really look at what she is telling you and try and believe her. You seem worried she will garner resentment because somehow you still have your physical desire while hers has diminished. She tells you that she loves you, she tells you that she wants to connect with you, she tells you that she gets much out of connecting with you in the way she is able to right now. BELIEVE HER. SHOW her that you believe her. When she approaches you - be generous, be enthusiastic, be happy. Are you not the one who says that your ACTIONS will speak louder than your words?

Believe me, she is likely having many of the same anxieties that you are - worrying about not being able to please you anymore, worrying your desire may diminsh because of that, worrying about aging. It can do a real number on both a husband and wife's psyche.

You can help soothe her anxieties (and yours) by joyfully accepting, and even initiating, with her. SHOW her that you love her, MEM, and joyfully accept whatever way she is capable of responding in. Don't let both of your various anxieties overwhelm you. You can get through this - you two have built a strong foundation together. Weathering this particular storm and coming out the other side together can only make it stronger if you let it.

God Bless.[/QUOTE]
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Old 11-05-2011, 12:16 PM   #26 (permalink)
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D,
I am certain that reduced desire plus intercourse pain caused her to initiate the conversation you referenced below. I think she felt trapped. And I think she has now accepted that our new compromise is: we don't have "sex" anymore because I cannot function knowing it hurts her. She knows that is a huge "loss" for me. I think she believes that I have accepted it and accepted that this may be a permanent change. I believe she feels that doing other stuff is necessary for the long term health of our marriage. And that is true. It is also true that it is difficult to have sex that is close to 100 pct one sided. If that doesn't change I will learn to accept it. Just as I accept that she wants me to be happy and does not resent that I still desire her.



=Deejo;472351]The issues you outline with your spouse hit particularly hard for me due to what went on with my ex. Moreso, because rather than opening a dialogue about what she was feeling and how we could work around it, she chose to internalize, avoid, and, eventually project her anxiety and resent over onto me.

This has been banging around in the back of my head since you posted. Were these issues going on when she claimed she didn't know if she would want to 'go on having sex with you for the next 20 years'?

I'm paraphrasing the circumstance, and I myself am probably projecting, because I fully believe that is the rationale my ex made in building up her aversion.

I'm thinking out loud. In no way am I suggesting this is something that will happen in your case. Your ability to communicate makes ALL the difference.

Still, tough circumstances, wish you both the best.[/QUOTE]
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Old 11-05-2011, 12:21 PM   #27 (permalink)
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MEM,

Your testimony is a guide to how supportive partners should be.

While noting your obvious pain, I congratulate you both.
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Old 11-05-2011, 12:44 PM   #28 (permalink)
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Default Re: The Good Wife: Part 3

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D,
I am certain that reduced desire plus intercourse pain caused her to initiate the conversation you referenced below. I think she felt trapped. And I think she has now accepted that our new compromise is: we don't have "sex" anymore because I cannot function knowing it hurts her. She knows that is a huge "loss" for me. I think she believes that I have accepted it and accepted that this may be a permanent change. I believe she feels that doing other stuff is necessary for the long term health of our marriage. And that is true. It is also true that it is difficult to have sex that is close to 100 pct one sided. If that doesn't change I will learn to accept it. Just as I accept that she wants me to be happy and does not resent that I still desire her.



=Deejo;472351]The issues you outline with your spouse hit particularly hard for me due to what went on with my ex. Moreso, because rather than opening a dialogue about what she was feeling and how we could work around it, she chose to internalize, avoid, and, eventually project her anxiety and resent over onto me.

This has been banging around in the back of my head since you posted. Were these issues going on when she claimed she didn't know if she would want to 'go on having sex with you for the next 20 years'?

I'm paraphrasing the circumstance, and I myself am probably projecting, because I fully believe that is the rationale my ex made in building up her aversion.

I'm thinking out loud. In no way am I suggesting this is something that will happen in your case. Your ability to communicate makes ALL the difference.

Still, tough circumstances, wish you both the best.
Posted via Mobile Device[/QUOTE]


Is HRT going to help her? What has her doctor said about this? Forgive me, I am not familiar with menopause having never gone through it but doesn't desire resume after a certain period has gone by after menopause?
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Old 11-05-2011, 01:32 PM   #29 (permalink)
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I think it does for some and not for others. I will research some more. The HRT is Definitely making her happier. She had started to make the transition from being "b itchy" to simply being a "b itch" and that combined with a flaky sex life was seriously not fun.

Bantering, wrestling hanging out today and my desire level is spiking. No question that part of this equation is going to be some level of edgy playing hard to get to make this not tiresome for her. I am good at that game and she has enough compassion not to let it stretch out to long.

Off to roller blade.


UOTE=Therealbrighteyes;472595]Posted via Mobile Device[/QUOTE]


Is HRT going to help her? What has her doctor said about this? Forgive me, I am not familiar with menopause having never gone through it but doesn't desire resume after a certain period has gone by after menopause?[/QUOTE]
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Old 11-06-2011, 10:33 AM   #30 (permalink)
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Conrad,
Thank you for your words of support. I had a couple of bad "imaginary" conversations with her (all in my own head)
Before I got home. But I left the negativity of that bad self talk inside where it belonged. And then when I got home and it was obvious she was glad to see me, all the bad stuff faded away.

Your testimony is a guide to how supportive partners should be.

While noting your obvious pain, I congratulate you both.[/QUOTE]
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