Long interesting conversation last night. Painfully unfiltered. This past week W had UTI - leading to more pain down below. She got antibiotics early in the week. They weren't working so I took her to urgent care Sunday for a new prescription. I didn't initiate anything over the weekend. Monday night was my last night home for the week and she got home from a tough day at work and bluntly told me we "needed to have sex" because she was stressed and needed it to relax her.
So I got the geisha girl treatment for about an hour and then she pleased me since she was still out of commission.
Last night I confirmed that she still feels zero sexual desire. Deep sigh. So this is what she said. She desires:
- My company
- My touch, my hugs and caresses
- My happiness and love
- For our marriage to continue to be strong
I asked her if she resented that I still had desire. She said she did not. I offered to "leave her alone sexually for a while". And she replied that sex was "core" to our marriage and would continue. She got angry and one point, compared her situation to male impotence and asked me why I needed to keep asking about it. Deeper sigh. I told her that the totally one way sex we have been having has been making me anxious. She understood. Conversation ended nicely.
Hey, love the title, i haven't quite followed up on all of your "Good wife" threads although i have been reading up on the forum for quite a while before actually signing up.
My wife also had UTI for about two weeks and then it just went away after i got her antibiotics.
When you said that you "offered to leave her alone sexually" can i ask why?
Huh... My GF has also been going through a UTI. She's been back from a trip for almost a week, and today was the first wrestling match in almost two. She was definately not feeling sexy, and I wasn't going to push her.
But nice job on the communication! You two are a model to follow!
Long interesting conversation last night. Painfully unfiltered. This past week W had UTI - leading to more pain down below. She got antibiotics early in the week. They weren't working so I took her to urgent care Sunday for a new prescription. I didn't initiate anything over the weekend. Monday night was my last night home for the week and she got home from a tough day at work and bluntly told me we "needed to have sex" because she was stressed and needed it to relax her.
So I got the geisha girl treatment for about an hour and then she pleased me since she was still out of commission.
Last night I confirmed that she still feels zero sexual desire. Deep sigh. So this is what she said. She desires:
- My company
- My touch, my hugs and caresses
- My happiness and love
- For our marriage to continue to be strong
I asked her if she resented that I still had desire. She said she did not. I offered to "leave her alone sexually for a while". And she replied that sex was "core" to our marriage and would continue. She got angry and one point, compared her situation to male impotence and asked me why I needed to keep asking about it. Deeper sigh. I told her that the totally one way sex we have been having has been making me anxious. She understood. Conversation ended nicely.
MEM,
Gently here. She loves you, that much is clear. She isn't happy with this situation anymore than you are and you keep pushing her. She has sex with you because she loves you but her desire isn't there and that isn't anything you did or that some other guy would make any different.
When she mentioned an impotent man, she was telling the truth. A man who cannot get an erection doesn't not want sex, he literally cannot get his parts (if you will) to work. She is in the exact same situation and if you keep pushing her, she will resent you.
She has sex with you despite her pain and yet that isn't enough for you. Her saying she was anxious and needed sex with you going away for a week is quite telling. Why is she anxious? If I had to guess it is because she knows how important sex is to you, you are not happy with what is going on with her and given what you have told her in the past, she is afraid that you will seek it elsewhere.
I don't know your wife from Eve but from what you have posted before, she is a remarkable, sharp and an amazing woman. She loves you, wants you and cherishes you. She has sex with you because she knows it is important to you. That is commitment and dedication. Why is that not enough for you given her medical issues? I really feel for her, I just do. If the roles were reversed and you weren't able to have sex, can you imagine for a moment how you would feel if your wife expressed dissatisfaction with your inability to want sex, nevermind that their is little you could do about it?
Why can't you be happy with an awesome wife who loves you enough to toss her pain aside, want intimacy with you and keep your relationship happy? I just don't get it.
MEM,
Gently here. She loves you, that much is clear. She isn't happy with this situation anymore than you are and you keep pushing her. She has sex with you because she loves you but her desire isn't there and that isn't anything you did or that some other guy would make any different.
When she mentioned an impotent man, she was telling the truth. A man who cannot get an erection doesn't not want sex, he literally cannot get his parts (if you will) to work. She is in the exact same situation and if you keep pushing her, she will resent you.
She has sex with you despite her pain and yet that isn't enough for you. Her saying she was anxious and needed sex with you going away for a week is quite telling. Why is she anxious? If I had to guess it is because she knows how important sex is to you, you are not happy with what is going on with her and given what you have told her in the past, she is afraid that you will seek it elsewhere.
I don't know your wife from Eve but from what you have posted before, she is a remarkable, sharp and an amazing woman. She loves you, wants you and cherishes you. She has sex with you because she knows it is important to you. That is commitment and dedication. Why is that not enough for you given her medical issues? I really feel for her, I just do. If the roles were reversed and you weren't able to have sex, can you imagine for a moment how you would feel if your wife expressed dissatisfaction with your inability to want sex, nevermind that their is little you could do about it?
Why can't you be happy with an awesome wife who loves you enough to toss her pain aside, want intimacy with you and keep your relationship happy? I just don't get it.
If i even remotely thought that my wife is only having sex with me because its "so important to me" and not because i actually make her cum 3+ times a day (its true, i do), i would stop ANYTHING sexual and allow her to initiate when she is ready, in her own time. in fact i think i would be kind of angered by the fact that she felt that way and didn't just speak to me about it. sex is not a necessity, love is. (BS sex is as much of a necessity as love) but you know what i mean...
Bright,
I swear to God I did not intend to express dissatisfaction. Really and truly. I expressed anxiety that this was causing her resentment - hmmm - I really am an idiot since she was the one who initiated. I told her I really do know she loves me and is committed to me and that the fact she is willing to continue to connect with me even though it isn't doing anything for her is just another example of her being a great wife.
Still - you are right. Somehow this all came across as me not being happy with her. Which was NOT my intent. I really truly don't know how it came across that way but somehow it did.
Oh well. I think going forward the less said on this topic the better.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Therealbrighteyes
MEM,
Gently here. She loves you, that much is clear. She isn't happy with this situation anymore than you are and you keep pushing her. She has sex with you because she loves you but her desire isn't there and that isn't anything you did or that some other guy would make any different.
When she mentioned an impotent man, she was telling the truth. A man who cannot get an erection doesn't not want sex, he literally cannot get his parts (if you will) to work. She is in the exact same situation and if you keep pushing her, she will resent you.
She has sex with you despite her pain and yet that isn't enough for you. Her saying she was anxious and needed sex with you going away for a week is quite telling. Why is she anxious? If I had to guess it is because she knows how important sex is to you, you are not happy with what is going on with her and given what you have told her in the past, she is afraid that you will seek it elsewhere.
I don't know your wife from Eve but from what you have posted before, she is a remarkable, sharp and an amazing woman. She loves you, wants you and cherishes you. She has sex with you because she knows it is important to you. That is commitment and dedication. Why is that not enough for you given her medical issues? I really feel for her, I just do. If the roles were reversed and you weren't able to have sex, can you imagine for a moment how you would feel if your wife expressed dissatisfaction with your inability to want sex, nevermind that their is little you could do about it?
Why can't you be happy with an awesome wife who loves you enough to toss her pain aside, want intimacy with you and keep your relationship happy? I just don't get it.
Just curious iDeal - how old are you? I am 48. We are in year 22 together.
Quote:
Originally Posted by iDeal
If i even remotely thought that my wife is only having sex with me because its "so important to me" and not because i actually make her cum 3+ times a day (its true, i do), i would stop ANYTHING sexual and allow her to initiate when she is ready, in her own time. in fact i think i would be kind of angered by the fact that she felt that way and didn't just speak to me about it. sex is not a necessity, love is. (BS sex is as much of a necessity as love) but you know what i mean...
If i even remotely thought that my wife is only having sex with me because its "so important to me" and not because i actually make her cum 3+ times a day (its true, i do), i would stop ANYTHING sexual and allow her to initiate when she is ready, in her own time. in fact i think i would be kind of angered by the fact that she felt that way and didn't just speak to me about it. sex is not a necessity, love is. (BS sex is as much of a necessity as love) but you know what i mean...
You haven't been around here long enough to know what MEM and his wife have gone through. She isn't doing a lay there and think of England approach. She wants to have those feelings back again but her body is post menopause and with related health issues she literally cannot. There is a huge difference between a wife who just "does it" as in hurry up and get it over with and what MEM's wife is going through.
If you would be angered by that then those are your own issues. In sickness and in health means something to MEM. She IS having sex with him in sickness and in health so clearly her vows and her love are there. Her desire is not and that isn't something she can help nor something to get angry over.
You haven't been around here long enough to know what MEM and his wife have gone through. She isn't doing a lay there and think of England approach. She wants to have those feelings back again but her body is post menopause and with related health issues she literally cannot. There is a huge difference between a wife who just "does it" as in hurry up and get it over with and what MEM's wife is going through.
If you would be angered by that then those are your own issues. In sickness and in health means something to MEM. She IS having sex with him in sickness and in health so clearly her vows and her love are there. Her desire is not and that isn't something she can help nor something to get angry over.
I was merely stating my opinion, i read one of his previous posts, kind of have an idea of what is going on, again, no offense meant.
When my W was in her twenties and thirties and even mid-forties I was able to please her. Menopause can trash your hormones. She is super good to me. So even though she isn't getting to the rapture, she is still taking great care of me.
Quote:
Originally Posted by iDeal
Jesus, no offense to you what so ever, im 22, in our 6th month?
Bright,
I swear to God I did not intend to express dissatisfaction. Really and truly. I expressed anxiety that this was causing her resentment - hmmm - I really am an idiot since she was the one who initiated. I told her I really do know she loves me and is committed to me and that the fact she is willing to continue to connect with me even though it isn't doing anything for her is just another example of her being a great wife.
Still - you are right. Somehow this all came across as me not being happy with her. Which was NOT my intent. I really truly don't know how it came across that way but somehow it did.
Oh well. I think going forward the less said on this topic the better.
Talking about it isn't wrong and no you are not an idiot. Your wife is willing yet her body isn't.
Funny story that kind of relates to your situation. Me, former gymnast. Hubby always loved that I was a gymnast. Since we met at the age of 9, he saw plenty of my meets.
Anywho, he came home a few months ago talking about his co-worker's young daughter starting gymnastics for the first time. He said that there is no way his daughter could ever compare to me. He said I "was" awesome in that department. I am now 40. Well yeah, challenge on. I told him to get out in to our driveway and be prepared for what "was". Me in yoga pants and a tank top with no socks or shoes and I am running down the driveway, I do a one handed cartwheel followed by a back flip. I "landed" the landing yet the pain was immediate. I could barely stand up. My heart was in it, my mind was in it but my body was not. I was in pain for days.
Do you see where I am going here? What if my husband had said that because my body failed the act was invalid? Didn't my heart, mind and willingness mean something?
MEM - sorry things are so hard for you both right now.
Thank you for sharing such a personal story.
Really rooting for you guys.
I think you sounded unhappy because there is a part of you that truly is. But you guys continue to talk about it - openly and honestly - and that's so much better than trying to put on some happy bull**** face.
Bright,
Great story. Pretty impressive you can still do that stuff at all.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Therealbrighteyes
Talking about it isn't wrong and no you are not an idiot. Your wife is willing yet her body isn't.
Funny story that kind of relates to your situation. Me, former gymnast. Hubby always loved that I was a gymnast. Since we met at the age of 9, he saw plenty of my meets.
Anywho, he came home a few months ago talking about his co-worker's young daughter starting gymnastics for the first time. He said that there is no way his daughter could ever compare to me. He said I "was" awesome in that department. I am now 40. Well yeah, challenge on. I told him to get out in to our driveway and be prepared for what "was". Me in yoga pants and a tank top with no socks or shoes and I am running down the driveway, I do a one handed cartwheel followed by a back flip. I "landed" the landing yet the pain was immediate. I could barely stand up. My heart was in it, my mind was in it but my body was not. I was in pain for days.
Do you see where I am going here? What if my husband had said that because my body failed the act was invalid? Didn't my heart, mind and willingness mean something?
NG,
Good insight. I guess I am. This was always a big part of our marriage.
Quote:
Originally Posted by nice777guy
MEM - sorry things are so hard for you both right now.
Thank you for sharing such a personal story.
Really rooting for you guys.
I think you sounded unhappy because there is a part of you that truly is. But you guys continue to talk about it - openly and honestly - and that's so much better than trying to put on some happy bull**** face.
The Good Wife: Part 3 
