When is the right time to start dating again?
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Old 11-06-2011, 05:30 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default When is the right time to start dating again?

She walked out on me Friday and from all I can see she is determined to Divorce me. There is a slight chance with being apart that she may start to see our marriage as mostly a full glass like I do, but only she will be able to make it work now. So I am moving on and making plans for me.

I understand I have some very depressing days ahead, especially with the holidays approaching, and a need to seek therapy from my broken heart, but I also see that there is a new life ahead with the hope of a new love in my life.

So the question is, when do I start testing the waters of putting myself out there? Do I register myself at one of the dating websites to see what is going on in the looking world and if so which one?

Any thoughts welcome.
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Old 11-06-2011, 06:06 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: When is the right time to start dating again?

Dating sites? Meh, just jump on a train instead of driving to work and grab a few numbers, even one a day, you'll get your dates fast. As for when you will feel ready mate, only YOU will know that when that time comes.
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Old 11-06-2011, 06:29 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: When is the right time to start dating again?

I'm one of those who believe its wrong to date under any circumstance as long as you're still married. Moving on doesn't necessarily mean bringing another person into your life. In terms of marriage and divorce, it should be a time of coming to terms with who you are, recognizing your part in the marital breakdown, and working to correct some of those mistakes on the way to a better you.

If you are so quick to want to be in a new relationship, could there be codependency, depending on someone else to make you happy instead if being happy with you. If all of this is recent, I would say its way to soon. If no one has filed for divorce its way to soon. You may be feeling a desire to retaliate or you may feel angry because of what she has chosen to do but I suggest that you take some time and enjoy life by yourself for awhile. You don't need someone else to be able to do that.

A couple of questions though? How long have you been married? What were the main issues in your marriage? Was infidelity involved?
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Old 11-06-2011, 07:00 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: When is the right time to start dating again?

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Originally Posted by marksaysay View Post
I'm one of those who believe its wrong to date under any circumstance as long as you're still married. Moving on doesn't necessarily mean bringing another person into your life. In terms of marriage and divorce, it should be a time of coming to terms with who you are, recognizing your part in the marital breakdown, and working to correct some of those mistakes on the way to a better you.

If you are so quick to want to be in a new relationship, could there be codependency, depending on someone else to make you happy instead if being happy with you. If all of this is recent, I would say its way to soon. If no one has filed for divorce its way to soon. You may be feeling a desire to retaliate or you may feel angry because of what she has chosen to do but I suggest that you take some time and enjoy life by yourself for awhile. You don't need someone else to be able to do that.

A couple of questions though? How long have you been married? What were the main issues in your marriage? Was infidelity involved?
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I agree. I need to learn to be happy by myself again before I should be looking but trying to be optimistic during this tough time.

I love being married and thought our 17 year marriage was above average. She didn't and I was unaware till she told me last February. She claims her feelings and unhappiness were my fault and would dwell on certain bad moments as the reason. Over the last 9 months I tried all I could to get her to work on our marriage together, but her efforts were minimal.

Regarding infidelity, she may have been having an EA with a coworker. I did see emails that clearly showed she had an infatuation with a guy 10 years younger, athletic, ex pro baseball player. She denies it, but where she used to invite me in to her office cafeteria a couple times a month for lunch with her, stopped about the time this all started to show. She still did lunch with me, but not in her building, which I believe was to keep me away from the guy.
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Old 11-06-2011, 07:40 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: When is the right time to start dating again?

Dating to fill the emotional hole left by your partner is never a good idea. Moreover, most experienced adults can see that person a mile away ... which if you do choose to date can lead to even further rejection.

As others have mentioned. Get square with yourself.
If you are experiencing long periods of melancholy because your spouse left, you are no where near ready to date.

Work out. Go to the gym. If you already go, check with a trainer and change your workouts. If you don't go ... start.
This is huge. It is often better than, and cheaper than therapy.

Decide what you want from dating. Do not go heavy and deep right out of the gate. It's a big mistake. Get comfortable being in the company of, and simply talking with women with no expectations beyond that.
Be honest. Which leads to another issue. If you are on a dating site and list yourself as 'separated', women aren't going to want to touch you with a ten foot pole.

Focus your efforts and energy into strengthening your 'core'. You are ending a marriage. That's a rough ride. But do it. End it, don't waffle. Don't wait and see what she wants, or respond to what you think she is going to do.

Decide what YOU are going to do. And if you still feel like you want reconciliation, then you are not in the place to be considering dating.

But, I will also tell you, that dating is an excellent tool to learn about yourself. What you want and what you don't want.
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Old 11-06-2011, 07:58 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: When is the right time to start dating again?

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Originally Posted by Deejo View Post
Dating to fill the emotional hole left by your partner is never a good idea. Moreover, most experienced adults can see that person a mile away ... which if you do choose to date can lead to even further rejection.

As others have mentioned. Get square with yourself.
If you are experiencing long periods of melancholy because your spouse left, you are no where near ready to date.

Work out. Go to the gym. If you already go, check with a trainer and change your workouts. If you don't go ... start.
This is huge. It is often better than, and cheaper than therapy.

Decide what you want from dating. Do not go heavy and deep right out of the gate. It's a big mistake. Get comfortable being in the company of, and simply talking with women with no expectations beyond that.
Be honest. Which leads to another issue. If you are on a dating site and list yourself as 'separated', women aren't going to want to touch you with a ten foot pole.

Focus your efforts and energy into strengthening your 'core'. You are ending a marriage. That's a rough ride. But do it. End it, don't waffle. Don't wait and see what she wants, or respond to what you think she is going to do.

Decide what YOU are going to do. And if you still feel like you want reconciliation, then you are not in the place to be considering dating.

But, I will also tell you, that dating is an excellent tool to learn about yourself. What you want and what you don't want.
Thank you Deejo. Just finshed a workout downstairs. I used to put on music, but opted for the TV to avoid the reminder songs. I appreciate you input.

I guess asking about dating is just me looking for a light at the end of the dark tunnel. I would prefer repairing the marriage more than looking for love, but that is out of my hands.

Some time will have to pass to see how she deals with the seperation and I will have to decide what I want to do with my future. My greatest fear today is loneliness.
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Old 11-06-2011, 08:02 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: When is the right time to start dating again?

I can promise you that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

How long the tunnel is ... has far more to do with you, than it has to do with the qualities of the partner you are ending the marriage with.
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Old 11-06-2011, 08:22 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: When is the right time to start dating again?

Jumping out of the frying pan back into the fire, probably isn't something you want to do to soon.

It just happened you need to give yourself time to heal. Or you will be getting into relationships to fill the void of the one you just lost. Thats not fair to you or the other person involved.
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Old 11-06-2011, 09:36 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: When is the right time to start dating again?

Take care of you for a while. Enjoy being alone and single. Seriously. It sounds awful right now, but it will help you to get to know yourself better before you jump into another relationship.
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Old 11-07-2011, 08:39 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: When is the right time to start dating again?

For major life events, D-Day being one of them, I would say if you aren't ready two years out from the peak of your darkest day for that specific situation, you should reevaluate where you are at with things. Some might be ready earlier, and some may need more time. You should do whatever you feel is right for your situation.
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