Need some insight - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 21 (permalink) Old 09-01-2016, 11:01 PM Thread Starter
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Need some insight

I am saying he visits his parents when I am away. He is not out prowling for women... i am curious about the reasons men married or not feel the need to look up pictures of naked women and look at porn....i am not a prude.. i watch porn from time to time... have even looked some up that I know he has watched to see what he likes to watch... if you have a woman who is completely dedicated to you and loves you more than anything....i s this just to pass time when she is busy and you are bored... if this needs moved to new thread I understand. It is off topic.. sorry
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post #2 of 21 (permalink) Old 09-07-2016, 09:08 PM
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Re: Need some insight

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Originally Posted by Jewel1010 View Post
I am saying he visits his parents when I am away. He is not out prowling for women... i am curious about the reasons men married or not feel the need to look up pictures of naked women and look at porn....i am not a prude.. i watch porn from time to time... have even looked some up that I know he has watched to see what he likes to watch... if you have a woman who is completely dedicated to you and loves you more than anything....i s this just to pass time when she is busy and you are bored... if this needs moved to new thread I understand. It is off topic.. sorry
Most of us don't have a wife who is that dedicated to us.

Some of us are also the HD partner in an HD/LD marriage. Some of us further have a wife who may have body self-image issues that interferes with her ability to be sexual or try slightly different things. Finally, some of us may have a wife who if we were horny and asked for a hand job, would say no and then make a quick run for the shower so she wouldn't have to watch you masturbate. Some may have a wife who when a husband is brave enough to broach a sexual fantasy, will tell him that he is a pervert and should keep those disgusting thoughts to himself as he didn't marry a sl*t and she isn't going to turn into one for him. Those kind of guys will every now and then look at porn to fantasize.

Other men may have a wife who feels they married a sexual being and they want to be and share in his sex life. They don't want him to be ashamed of his sexuality and they don't want him to keep any sexual secrets or fantasies from them. If they see him masturbating, they will walk up to him and tell him it is hot and can they hold him while he does that or better yet can they help out. Those guys are probably less likely to watch porn.
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post #3 of 21 (permalink) Old 09-08-2016, 07:07 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Need some insight

Thought provoking response. Thank you. IMO I am some where in between but lean toward the later. He has created a this Goddess that I am today sexually. And he knows this. But he also knows I am aware and extremely self conscious about my outer beauty. I do not come close to LOOKING like what I know he is attracted too.
The issues I have are compounded in my mind by the feelings of not being enough. And from my reasearch I know this is a huge turn off for any man. I can not bring myself (yet) to ask him why he needs to do these things. I do not want him to think that I think it is WRONG. I just want to understand if it is because he desires the outer beauty so much.? If it is a habit he has always had.? Is it because of something I am not doing? That I would most definetly be willing to do ?

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post #4 of 21 (permalink) Old 09-09-2016, 03:25 PM
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Re: Need some insight

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....He has created a this Goddess that I am today sexually. And he knows this. But he also knows I am aware and extremely self conscious about my outer beauty. I do not come close to LOOKING like what I know he is attracted too.
The issues I have are compounded in my mind by the feelings of not being enough. And from my reasearch I know this is a huge turn off for any man. I can not bring myself (yet) to ask him why he needs to do these things. I do not want him to think that I think it is WRONG. I just want to understand if it is because he desires the outer beauty so much.? If it is a habit he has always had.? Is it because of something I am not doing? That I would most definetly be willing to do ?

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You have a good understanding of yourself. Now, you need to consider if that is who you want to be for the rest of your life, or if you want to change yourself in any ways.

You are not confident with your outer beauty and yet he seems to be very comfortable and confident in it.

You understand that being confident is sexy to men.

You can't bring yourself to talk to him about this.
You sound like you understand some of the issues very well. The question is do you want to change.

One of the fascinating things is that in marriage after a few years husbands and wives know pretty much what the other is thinking because of all the non-verbal clues given (body language, facial expressions, tone of voice). One spouse many look at the other and ask would you like to go out for Chinese food and the other will say OK, but their spouse will know it means no way in the world do they want that type of food tonight. The same is true with sex, you spouse will know what you really want and don't want even if you don't use words to say it.

So you have little to loose by actually talking to your spouse. Give it a try, just don't be judgemental. In an ideal world you want your spouse to be able to tell you (without any feelings of shame) their deepest and darkest secret or sexual curiosity. You are allowed to have boundaries and not do things, but you should never by facial expression, tone of voice, body language, or words try to shame them or imply that being open and honest to you is wrong. If you H can't share his sexuality with you, then who can he share it with? A prostitute/escort?

By all means talk to him. If he asks for something you are not sure about, tell him you love him and will consider it, but want to research it more and talk to him more about it. Then actually find out more and figure out if it is something that exceeds your boundaries or not.

If his request does exceed your boundaries, then tell him and explain why it does at this point in your life. Ask him if there is any way you can do something else that might be within your boundaries, but provides him the "illusion" of what he wants.

For example, if he wants a 3 some and you feel (IMO rightly so) that it would endanger the marriage ask if you can blindfold him tie him to a bed, and pretend to be two different women with him. Maybe even get a Fleshlight or Masturbatory sleeve to act as the other woman. Or buy a wig and clothing you would not normally wear. The point is that the mind is the biggest sex organ and it can be easily tricked.

Now getting back to the porn. Porn can be an addiction and a problem in marriage. It can also be an outlet for frustration that allows two people to be faithful to each other.

He choose you to be his wife. He didn't choose a porn star. Think about that. Tell him that you love him and know how much he loves you, but that watching porn scares you and makes you feel insecure about your body. Ask him if instead of his watching porn, the two of you can do sexual things together. You say he feels you are his Goddess, well enjoy it!

Read some of the threads of women who are in sex starved marriages, where their husband pays no sexual attention to them.

Work on yourself and your issues. Do some things that you feel good about. Traditionally take up an exercise hobby and use that to gain strength, improve the looks of your body and gain confidence. Train to run a 5km fun run. Have your husband at the finish line to share your glory. Do some physical challenges of things you don't think are possible, like maybe running a half marathon, bicycling a 100 km or 100 mile ride.

Good luck to you.

Last edited by Young at Heart; 09-09-2016 at 03:31 PM.
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post #5 of 21 (permalink) Old 09-13-2016, 11:18 AM
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Re: Need some insight

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I just want to understand if it is because he desires the outer beauty so much.?

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because that's pretty much all there is in porn. do a google search for "average/plain, flat-chested women in porn" and you'll probably get nothing. most porn is very attractive women with large breasts.

has he ever suggested to you to get a face lift, get bigger breasts, lose weight, etc...? probably not because men can be very happy with the average woman.

look... i LOVE looking at sports cars and muscle cars. read about them, like pictures of them. but at the end of the day I climb into my ford focus and that's perfectly fine for me.
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post #6 of 21 (permalink) Old 09-13-2016, 12:06 PM
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Re: Need some insight

@Jewel1010

I have just gone through the same thing with my husband and it nearly destroyed me. There are still some days that I'm not too sure it hasn't destroyed me and I can't be repaired. Mine is more about the lies because I am 4 month in and still uncovering lies. It's terrible.

I really do not think men understand how much it hurt to have to compare yourself to all they other naked woman they have been viewing online, and us woman do compare. I felt like I was constantly being graded on whether I was "porn star" hot and let me tell you, I'm not ugly, nor am I overweight but after 4 kids I do not and never will look like those woman on those videos. I couldn't even if I tried. I know how you feel.

I think men like to look at naked woman. Their sex drive, usually is way higher than a woman's and they are so visually stimulated. Does it make it right or wrong I don't know, but if he's lying to you about it, or expecting you to do crazy thing in bed or not having sex with you at all then there is an issue. You need to decide what you will allow in your relationship and if porn is not something you will allow then tell him. You can't force him to stop looking at it, but you can make a choice with what you will live with.

Please talk your SO openly and honestly about how you feel. Communication is key.
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post #7 of 21 (permalink) Old 09-13-2016, 12:39 PM
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Re: Need some insight

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Originally Posted by Young at Heart View Post

Other men may have a wife who feels they married a sexual being and they want to be and share in his sex life. They don't want him to be ashamed of his sexuality and they don't want him to keep any sexual secrets or fantasies from them. If they see him masturbating, they will walk up to him and tell him it is hot and can they hold him while he does that or better yet can they help out. Those guys are probably less likely to watch porn.
Bingo. My sexual urges(kinky and otherwise) are more than satisfied by my W. No need to look or even desire to look at porn.

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post #8 of 21 (permalink) Old 09-13-2016, 02:14 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Need some insight

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@Jewel1010

I have just gone through the same thing with my husband and it nearly destroyed me. There are still some days that I'm not too sure it hasn't destroyed me and I can't be repaired. Mine is more about the lies because I am 4 month in and still uncovering lies. It's terrible.

I really do not think men understand how much it hurt to have to compare yourself to all they other naked woman they have been viewing online, and us woman do compare. I felt like I was constantly being graded on whether I was "porn star" hot and let me tell you, I'm not ugly, nor am I overweight but after 4 kids I do not and never will look like those woman on those videos. I couldn't even if I tried. I know how you feel.

I think men like to look at naked woman. Their sex drive, usually is way higher than a woman's and they are so visually stimulated. Does it make it right or wrong I don't know, but if he's lying to you about it, or expecting you to do crazy thing in bed or not having sex with you at all then there is an issue. You need to decide what you will allow in your relationship and if porn is not something you will allow then tell him. You can't force him to stop looking at it, but you can make a choice with what you will live with.

Please talk your SO openly and honestly about how you feel. Communication is key.
He hasn't lied to me... we have not talked about it yet. If he lied I wouldn't be here. We have had other issues with me comparing myself. We got through it but in the end his actions showed me that I was more important. He in his mind never did anything wrong. But he knew I was hurt and he did something to fix it. Like I said I want him to know how I feel but do not want him to feel like I think he is wrong. I just want to understand. I would love to get past this feeling of not being enough. I also don't want him to feel like I dont trust him. But want him to know it scares me that in a weak/bored moment that he might talk to or chat with someone on attached to one of the pornsites. That would hurt me! What is looking at these women who want to chat with him going to hurt? (Besides my ego) Not like he is ever going to meet any of them in person. I am trying hard to understand the mind set men have about this before I approach this subject.

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post #9 of 21 (permalink) Old 09-13-2016, 02:19 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Need some insight

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because that's pretty much all there is in porn. do a google search for "average/plain, flat-chested women in porn" and you'll probably get nothing. most porn is very attractive women with large breasts.

has he ever suggested to you to get a face lift, get bigger breasts, lose weight, etc...? probably not because men can be very happy with the average woman.

look... i LOVE looking at sports cars and muscle cars. read about them, like pictures of them. but at the end of the day I climb into my ford focus and that's perfectly fine for me.
No just the oppoaite I am 50 and I would love to have the body of a 20 year old and I know it would take surgery. Not sure if I would go that far but I have thought about it. He says I am fine the way I am. But it ishard for me to know. He has the desire to look at the women who have the fine firm bodies. And yet he is ok with his "ford focus".. that is funny because that is what he drives daily! Lol

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post #10 of 21 (permalink) Old 09-13-2016, 02:37 PM
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Re: Need some insight

@Jewel1010

It sounds like you are trying to understand why men want to do this. I can't help there as I don't understand it myself very much. Hopefully some of the men on here will give you their insight in to why men look at porn. I think each do for a different reason, besides the obvious naked woman.
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post #11 of 21 (permalink) Old 09-13-2016, 03:15 PM
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Re: Need some insight

To me, porn is a masturbation aid - just like a vibrator. If he only looks at it when you are not available, or not interested in sex, then I don't see it as a problem. If he sometimes watches INSTEAD of being intimate with you, or if he starts trying to insist on unusual sex practices (asking is OK), then that is a big problem.

I don't thin most men compare porn to their wives. Just like most wives do not "compare" their vibrator to their husbands, or "compare" the sexy vampire-elf (or whatever is the current style in movies appealing to women), to their husbands.

Some men do become addicted to porn, and that is a huge problem.

Its like alcohol. A little now and then is fine - fine even if shared with a partner. Too much to where it interferes with life is a big issue
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post #12 of 21 (permalink) Old 09-13-2016, 04:33 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Need some insight

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@Jewel1010

It sounds like you are trying to understand why men want to do this. I can't help there as I don't understand it myself very much. Hopefully some of the men on here will give you their insight in to why men look at porn. I think each do for a different reason, besides the obvious naked woman.
That is what I am finding in my research. It seems to be just them looking at naked women because they are visual and they get bored when not occupied. I also have read many places. They think about sex to the point of some measure of arousal no less than 11 times a day? I probably think about it more than most my age because I have only just recently had my sexual desire awakened. But not half that much! Lol

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post #13 of 21 (permalink) Old 09-13-2016, 06:04 PM
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For me, porn is a masturbation aid. Nothing more. Better look at some hot chick having a good time than the paint peeling off the bathroom wall.
Generally I look at several clips before deciding on one, because it has some position or act I fancy pretending I'm doing.

Afterwards I couldn't tell you what I had masturbated to. It certainly has nothing to do with finding my wife sexy or not.

She knows I do this. She doesn't care. She has posters of an actor she fancies in the bedroom and so do I. He's hotter than I'll ever be and so is mine.

Do you masturbate? If so, what do you think about while doing it? Does that put you off your husband?

Also there are all shapes and sizes of women in porn, certainly not all supermodels by any stretch.

Oh, and I would always choose sex with my wife over porn. There is no comparison. Masturbation is for release, like stuffing stale bread in your mouth when hungry. Sex is a fine meal.

Last edited by Good Guy; 09-13-2016 at 06:09 PM.
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post #14 of 21 (permalink) Old 09-13-2016, 06:07 PM
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Re: Need some insight

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No just the oppoaite I am 50 and I would love to have the body of a 20 year old
I'm in my 50s and feel the same way but they never respond to my online messages.
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post #15 of 21 (permalink) Old 09-13-2016, 08:30 PM
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Re: Need some insight

I am 67 and have been being aroused by and sexually arousing women for well over 50 years. The last thing I want is to have sex with a 20 something. I mean what would we have in common? She would barely know her body let alone how to use it to please a man. I want to have sex with my wife who is a year younger than I am.

When I watch porn at times, it is granny or mature woman or MILF based. My wife knows how to curl my toes and do me until I get leg cramps! She has hang ups and body self image problems, but God I love her and love looking at her body. I tell her that and she has a hard time believing it. Still it is true and I wouldn't trade her for three 20-something porn stars no matter how good they looked. The only advantage a 20-something would have is in making babies, but most of us are past that stage in our life.

Have a little more faith in yourself and your husband. He chose you to be his wife, honor his choice.

Good luck.
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