Married to a feminist - Page 3
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - Online Counseling - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

The Men's Clubhouse Talk about life's dilemmas.

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 11-18-2011, 03:41 PM   #31 (permalink)
Member
 
Therealbrighteyes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 6,538
Default Re: Married to a feminist

Quote:
Originally Posted by mr.rightaway View Post
There's a difference? ...*ducks and covers*
.
Only if their isn't a difference between manning up and chauvenism.
Therealbrighteyes is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 11-18-2011, 03:57 PM   #32 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,632
Default Re: Married to a feminist

Quote:
Originally Posted by mr.rightaway View Post
I agree. It just seems sometimes that when a man is considered an alpha male, that somehow he isn't capable of loving or respect his wife.
Yet more misguided man bashing. In my humble opinion, demonstrating unwavering love and respect in the marriage relationship is one of the highest alpha characteristics if for no other reason due to the emotional strength required.
Ten_year_hubby is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-18-2011, 04:09 PM   #33 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 8
Default Re: Married to a feminist

Let's not hijack the thread.

I know it's sometimes easier to make villains of Alpha males and feminist and generalize both groups because they seem threatening.

All I know is that I love my feminist wife and she loves her Alpha male. Neither one of us has animosity or hatred for the opposite sex. Plus, we are both very capable of selfless love. Moreover, as are most Alpha males or feminist.

While I will admit it is much more difficult being a relationship where we both of us have type A personalities the work is well worth it.

We struggle sometimes because of our social expectations sometimes fly's against what we actually want and desire and finding that balance is the conversation I wanted to have with this thread.

Last edited by ontheball; 11-18-2011 at 04:42 PM.
ontheball is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-18-2011, 04:16 PM   #34 (permalink)
Member
 
Therealbrighteyes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 6,538
Default Re: Married to a feminist

Quote:
Originally Posted by ontheball View Post
Let's not hijack with thread.

I know it's sometimes easier to make villains of Alpha males and feminist generalize both groups because they seem threatening.

All I know is that I love my feminist wife and I she loves her Alpha male. Neither one of us has animosity or hatred for the opposite sex. Plus, we are both very capable of selfless love. Moreover, neither do most Alpha males or feminist.

While I will admit it is much more difficult being a relationship where we both have type A personalities the work is well worth it.

We struggle sometimes because of our social expectations sometimes fly's against what we actually want and desire and finding that balance is the conversation I wanted to have with this thread.
As I wrote earlier, I think you two sound lovely. Whatever you are doing is working so why worry about changing the formula?
Therealbrighteyes is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-18-2011, 04:49 PM   #35 (permalink)
Moderator
 
Halien's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Earth that Was
Posts: 2,605
Default Re: Married to a feminist

Quote:
Originally Posted by ontheball View Post
While I will admit it is much more difficult being a relationship where we both have type A personalities the work is well worth it.

We struggle sometimes because of our social expectations sometimes fly's against what we actually want and desire and finding that balance is the conversation I wanted to have with this thread.
Yes, you have the potential for a great marriage, in my opinion, when you have two driver personalities. It really sounds like you understand that the start of it is a delicate dance. You are also going to hold each other to a higher standard, so I think its very important to also factor in some down time, where each of you are free to express areas where you feel vulnerable, where it won't be unintentionally used against you later. Not sure how you get there, maybe through some weekend getaways, but it could easily rachet up into a very tense relationship, if not thought out. There is a little bit of a difference between type A and alpha, in my opinion, so you can maybe think about the difference between you two when it comes to leadership/initiative and intensity, and how to relate to each other.
Halien is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-18-2011, 05:17 PM   #36 (permalink)
Member
 
Enchantment's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 2,354
Default Re: Married to a feminist

I think each partner in a marriage wants to be valued and have a voice.

In an earlier post in this thread, you gave an example of an exchange regarding going out, and how you handled it "before" with a back and forth .."what do you wanna do?", "I don't know, what do you wanna do?" exchange. From that you moved on to learning a more decisive exchange. And as long as you can keep that decisive exchange going without totally ignoring or stampeding over your wife, you'll be fine. As long as you value her input and allow her a voice, you'll be fine.

The following would be an example of a decisive exchange gone too far:

H: I've decided we should go out to dinner at <restaurant> tonite at 7. Be ready to leave by 6:30.
W: I've had a long, tiring day today. Can we get something to bring in instead and watch a movie at home while eating?
H: No, we're going out. Be ready at 6:30.

In that exchange the H didn't allow the W to have any voice at all and tried to steamroll her. That would be going too far in my opinion as it didn't allow the W any voice in the exchange, and devalued her mental/physical state after a long day - all over a dinner.

So, you don't sound like the kind of guy who is going to go over the deep end and try to control and monopolise or manipulate your wife. If you were, I don't think you would post here with concern about this topic.

So, as long as you keep in mind when you take a decisive action that you allow your wife a voice and you continue to value her, then I think you'll be fine.
__________________
Enter these enchanted woods, You who dare. ~ George Meredith

Last edited by Enchantment; 11-18-2011 at 05:31 PM.
Enchantment is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-18-2011, 05:48 PM   #37 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 161
Default Re: Married to a feminist

Quote:
Originally Posted by ontheball View Post
I know it's sometimes easier to make villains of Alpha males and feminist and generalize both groups because they seem threatening. All I know is that I love my feminist wife and she loves her Alpha male. Neither one of us has animosity or hatred for the opposite sex. Plus, we are both very capable of selfless love. Moreover, as are most Alpha males or feminist.
It's not about the opposing views being threatening. You are saying your wife is a feminist, so it's important to put that in context to try and understand what you're asking with the following:

Quote:
Originally Posted by ontheball View Post
It's been 6 months since that day. I still struggle to maintain that balance of [being a] modern man and taking charge to rev her up.
You also write:

Quote:
Originally Posted by ontheball View Post
While I will admit it is much more difficult being a relationship where we both of us have type A personalities the work is well worth it.

We struggle sometimes because of our social expectations sometimes fly's against what we actually want and desire and finding that balance is the conversation I wanted to have with this thread.
You're having the same struggle many of us do in modern times: What does it even mean to be in a modern relationship? Relationships take continual work, filled with battles and celebrations, you just have to do everything you can to be on the same page.

OP, it sounds to me that you are getting results, and revving her up in positive ways is also positive for you, so congratulations. I guess just try not to overdue it to where it backfires or distorts the balance of the relationship.
mr.rightaway is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-18-2011, 07:22 PM   #38 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 5
Default Re: Married to a feminist

Quote:
Originally Posted by mr.rightaway View Post
The feminist secretly craves the alpha male. If she is responding more positively to your alpha traits, then her secret is out.

post modern day feminist are really just women who pretend to be feminist....your not married to a true feminist...I am, she doesn't budge on anything she truly wants to be equal...she's VERY different from the feminist i see today, they just act like they want to be in control and not equal but you really have to prove your the alpha to them. your lucky, your problem isnt that bad.
CSmith is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-18-2011, 08:45 PM   #39 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,009
Default Re: Married to a feminist

You made her feel safe & secure when you stepped up and got things going at the camp site. She appreciated you and felt immense admiration for your leadership and know how. She most likely didn't even consciously recognize she was rewarding you with hot sex because she wanted the hot sex.

How do you continue on this way? Continue to be a man she admires and looks up to...be yourself. Her being a feminist has little to do with her relationship with you because she loves you. She chose you.
Trenton is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-19-2011, 06:33 AM   #40 (permalink)
Member
 
RandomDude's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 7,468
Default Re: Married to a feminist

It's quite funny really, personally I believe in women's equality, but don't quite follow the template of what feminism should be. I have my own disagreements with it.

My wife herself is a rather strong-headed woman, I also value her intelligence and her attitude yes, in fact, if she was really stupid or weak I wouldn't even have bothered with her.

The thing is, I've always been one to encourage women to step up as equals to men. Live together, sweat together, bleed together. However, how can you encourage one to stand up for themselves when you don't even do the same?

I believe in equality, but just as much as I would divorce my wife if her spirit is completely battered with no will to lift herself up, I would expect the same from my wife if I ever became so pathetic. Sure, when one loses hope, it is the other to bring encouragement and restore it. But the question lies in the spirit, if the will is strong enough to change, or is it just going to fester in eternal pessimism until drastic measures are taken.

In my opinion, that's equality, don't ever lose yourself as a man.
RandomDude is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-19-2011, 07:23 AM   #41 (permalink)
Member
 
F-102's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Chicago 'burbs
Posts: 3,520
Default Re: Married to a feminist

Your W is having an affair-with YOU!
__________________
"I've listened to preachers, I've listened to fools, I've watched all the dropouts, who make their own rules..."
F-102 is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 11-19-2011, 09:00 AM   #42 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,009
Default Re: Married to a feminist

Quote:
Originally Posted by RandomDude View Post
It's quite funny really, personally I believe in women's equality, but don't quite follow the template of what feminism should be. I have my own disagreements with it.

My wife herself is a rather strong-headed woman, I also value her intelligence and her attitude yes, in fact, if she was really stupid or weak I wouldn't even have bothered with her.

The thing is, I've always been one to encourage women to step up as equals to men. Live together, sweat together, bleed together. However, how can you encourage one to stand up for themselves when you don't even do the same?

I believe in equality, but just as much as I would divorce my wife if her spirit is completely battered with no will to lift herself up, I would expect the same from my wife if I ever became so pathetic. Sure, when one loses hope, it is the other to bring encouragement and restore it. But the question lies in the spirit, if the will is strong enough to change, or is it just going to fester in eternal pessimism until drastic measures are taken.

In my opinion, that's equality, don't ever lose yourself as a man.
Just a word of advice, Random Dude, don't show your wife the second to last paragraph in the above post. You sound like an unsupportive douche.
Trenton is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-19-2011, 09:29 AM   #43 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 161
Default Re: Married to a feminist

Quote:
Originally Posted by Trenton View Post
You made her feel safe & secure when you stepped up and got things going at the camp site. She appreciated you and felt immense admiration for your leadership and know how. She most likely didn't even consciously recognize she was rewarding you with hot sex because she wanted the hot sex.

How do you continue on this way? Continue to be a man she admires and looks up to...be yourself. Her being a feminist has little to do with her relationship with you because she loves you. She chose you.
I actually agree with this. I was thinking it over a bit and thought something similar. It could be one of those pivotal moments in a relationship that changed the way she previously looked at him. He stepped up in a moment of crisis and did exactly what he needed to do. Bravo! She also now knows how he might react to situations like that in the future and she can let her guard down a little more than before.
mr.rightaway is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-19-2011, 09:52 AM   #44 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,009
Default Re: Married to a feminist

Quote:
Originally Posted by mr.rightaway View Post
I actually agree with this. I was thinking it over a bit and thought something similar. It could be one of those pivotal moments in a relationship that changed the way she previously looked at him. He stepped up in a moment of crisis and did exactly what he needed to do. Bravo! She also now knows how he might react to situations like that in the future and she can let her guard down a little more than before.
What's with the actually as if you're surprised?



He made her feel safe and secure. There is nothing better than being with a man who not only has chosen you as the woman he wants to protect and love for his entire life, but he does an excellent job doing just that. Oh I can clearly pick out the times I've tested my husband...I'm quite a handful.

I didn't make this about feminism because I think it doesn't jive here. Perhaps the pigeon holed view that a feminist is unable to allow a man to be a man or a woman to be a woman would think it applies, but a feminist who believes that women should be valued equally, yet differently as they are different...won't have a problem with it.
Trenton is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-19-2011, 10:23 AM   #45 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 161
Default Re: Married to a feminist

Quote:
Originally Posted by Trenton View Post
What's with the actually as if you're surprised?

Well no, because I was going to post something similar when I had time but you already said it. I would have added the following: "Feminism fits her brain but not her biology." Whereby I mean that she was immensely turned on by his bold, take charge, maaaaaaaaanly actions. It's in her DNA to be revved up by such things.

Quote:
He made her feel safe and secure. There is nothing better than being with a man who not only has chosen you as the woman he wants to protect and love for his entire life, but he does an excellent job doing just that.Oh I can clearly pick out the times I've tested my husband...I'm quite a handful.
Right, he didn't just bark orders, he did it tactfully and efficiently. Any woman on the planet would have been turned on by his actions. Not to let her completely off the hook on the respect issue, as she was on the verge of cheating on him in the past.

Quote:
I didn't make this about feminism because I think it doesn't jive here. Perhaps the pigeon holed view that a feminist is unable to allow a man to be a man or a woman to be a woman would think it applies, but a feminist who believes that women should be valued equally, yet differently as they are different...won't have a problem with it.
Feminism doesn't jive so much with that specific incident, but more going forward to a degree and that is his question: the question about balance. Feminism seeks balance the wrong way, in my opinion, but that is for a different thread. I think his question is more about normal male/female balance in a relationship with a little extra feminist spice mixed in. It's always an ongoing process. And I think he's doing just fine.
mr.rightaway is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
I'm married but going through a separation and she wants to stay married juce88 Considering Divorce or Separation 5 08-14-2013 08:42 PM
If you are married to a man who cheats on his wife, you'll be married to a man who... Remains Coping with Infidelity 11 03-13-2013 01:46 PM
To All Married Couples and Singles Who Intend To Get Married Chris H. General Relationship Discussion 5 11-16-2009 01:35 AM
young and happily married married but.... pinkprincess General Relationship Discussion 5 11-17-2008 04:43 PM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads





Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 10:12 PM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage