If you are a man and you want to have a passionate relationship with your wife:
1. ALL dominance starts in-house. That means you learn to control YOUR emotions - especially the two biggest enemies fear and uncontrolled anger.
2. True control of emotions enables great self control of your behavior. Not just the words that issue from your mouth, but your body language.
3. The baseline against which you measure behavior is the golden rule. Do NOT allow people to treat you worse than you would treat them.
4. Acknowledge that without respect you have nothing. ALL respect emanates from in-house. If you don't respect yourself, well you can finish that sentence.
5. Earn respect by performing, demand respect by inflicting swift and sure consequences when treated in an unacceptable manner.
6. Be empathetic and supportive and loving when your W is hurting.
7. Be stern and firm when she is taking her bad day/bad mood out on you.
8. Be fun to be around. Playful, upbeat, fun and funny.
9. Be around less and make it clear why when you are not being treated fairly.
10. You are allowed to have needs. Express them. You are not allowed to be needy. There is a giant difference between the two.
11. Learn your W. A husband who says "no one can understand women, does not understand his wife. This lack of knowledge is often fatal to the marriage" Pay attention - she is likely fairly consistent.
12. Accept that your W will love you MORE when you assert yourself in a rational, strong, firm and consistent manner.
13. Learn to talk a LOT LESS and communicate much more and much better with body language.
In my marriage it is 80-20. She gets her way at least 80 percent of the time. Fine by me. The 20 percent is the stuff that matters to me and in those cases we either do it my way or compromise in a way that I am happy with.
I have a simple and common scenario that most of the "nice guys" here simply have totally lost the ability to pull off. When I want to do something "new/different" I always give my W right of first refusal. We went on an extended family (her extended family) vacation a few summers back. I told her in advance that I was going to spend a day white water rafting. Now she has always told me she doesn't like rafting. I told her I would her company if she wanted to give it a shot, but was fine going without her if not.
She chose not to go but didn't for a moment think to try to discourage me from going - because
1. She is a good wife and
2. I would react very badly to her saying she didn't want to go and then trying to convince ME not to go
So my brother in law and I went had a great time. We came back that night and he and I were planning to go kayaking the next day. Funny thing - she asked to come - which was great. She came and we had the best time. He and I tipped over and she didn't. Quite funny really.
Back to being dominant. There are situations where you can only either go left or right. There IS no compromise in those situations. SOMEONE has to dominate. The nice guys posting - they have lost the ability to do that.
I believe you do need to be sensitive and caring and have a good sense of humor. This is not about that. Because remember - before marriage she was nice BACK. What this is about is how men react when our female partners begin to conduct male "fitness tests" by pushing our boundaries. What would have happened if you had firmly addressed your W's texting behavior when it first started?
I believe women react badly to hearing that something makes you feel bad "after you have already told them once or twice". The first time is key because now they "know" and it is no longer a communication issue it is now a question of whether or not she is going to prioritize your need. I do believe many women respond better to action than words. And the ultimate male behavior women respond most strongly to is NOT anger - it is indifference. They are exceptionally aware of what indifference means to the power dynamic in a relationship. Guys - we aren't ALLOWED to use our physical strength advantage in a relationship which I personally think is a great improvement over historical "rules of engagement". Unless it is an extreme case and she is directly harming your children, highly emotional / verbalized extreme ANGER just conveys: The desperate hurt of a man whose love is overpowering his self control. Big step back. The calm determined mode of "if you do X, I am reluctantly going to have no choice but to do Y" works very well but you have to have the determination to follow through.
For example - I absolutely go into "limited communication" mode when I feel a boundary has been violated. And I don't come out until I get an explanation that makes sense or an apology. And not a "non" apology. I don't respond well to "I am sorry that upset you". Just as I apologize when I am wrong - which is a little bit more than 50 percent of the time . Limited communication is simple, requires no particular verbal skills - it DOES require a willingness to have conflict and to allow conflict to persist and sometimes escalate.
And the one time in our marriage she said she needed "space" I started scheduling long weekend visits with friends and family and began to steadily ramp that up until I heard the magic words "I miss you".
If you asked my W to predict my future marital behavior she would say: "Treated fairly he will NEVER leave and NEVER cheat", "Treated badly - he will either openly take a lover or flat out leave depending on the specifics of the situation".
I would loosely say the same thing in reverse with the exception being that instead of taking a lover I imagine she would simply focus on making my life a non-stop living hell if she felt very badly treated. And if THAT didn't work THEN she would leave me.
In this context - you cannot have daily communication with someone/text them "goodnight" every night when they are having an open ended series of EA's and ever hope to effectively convey indifference.
"I am the product of thousands of generations of successful male ancestors. When necessary they were totally determined and utterly ruthless. I see no reason to alter a behavioral pattern that has worked so well for so long."
Originally Posted by LFC
A question for the good guys,
how do you manage to achieve the dominant role without being bullying,controlling or manipulative