NOTE: This thread is a little complex...
I made a thread previously in regards to my lack of physical attraction to my wife despite others finding her beautiful. After some reflection...
I realised it's almost like I don't even allow myself sometimes to be attracted to her. It was also an issue of mine with my inability to give her verbal affirmation unless after sex, as I didn't allow myself to let the feelings flow so to speak, and I don't like to be dishonest to the woman I'm committed to. It's a subconscious problem, and part of my personality.
HISTORY (Don't bother reading if not interested... skip to "End of history"):
Before marriage I guess I've always been a bit of a natural player, with rather high standards. When I was a kid though I found it very challenging at first because the girls who liked me I didn't like and the girls who I liked didn't like me. Deep inside it seems I can actually be a very loving person, TOO loving I guess - during childhood.
But when I turned 12 however, due to a traumatic experience which pretty much changed my life, I hardened up a lot. Like 180 really. I was very cold, I developed a primitive system of morals to keep myself strong and sane during the crisis. People simply disgusted me, and I got involved with the wrong crowd. When I turned 16 I got involved with a casual relationship, losing my virginity with her. However we became closer then we wanted to be. Ironically we both had very similar morals, we were both f--ked in our head after traumas in our youth. Together we developed our own code of living, our own principles. And we played around a bit with each other's blood even.
Leaving her was due to circumstances beyond our control as it was simply too dangerous for us to stay together. But she remains always in my heart, even though the feelings now are just admiration, respect, and companionship, rather then love. However, in our time together, I learnt A TON, she was my first, and as I entered my adulthood, I had an arsenal of aces to play with.
Ironically... looking back, it seems the loving nature of that child who I once was has always been with me. The empathy, the sensitivity, the desire to love someone wholeheartedly despite the consequences, to cherish and love them.
But instead, I used my gifts for my own benefit, as I was taught, as I always had to be after my naive childhood. I used empathy and sensitivity like a predator's sense of perfect timing to strike. The desire to love I channeled it during sex, as when there were no words spoken about it, no consequences of being accused of love. Over time, I learnt more and more, and finally embraced the challenges as opportunities.
Notches in my belt reminded me what I'm capable of, which gave me a rather permanent confidence. However, after I conquered every single lady I had, I rejected them, and laughed at it. It seems to be related to my past as a kid, when I had no game. Kinda "getting even", childishly rather.
My ex kept me for quite a long time bceause she was the most ironically, possessive yet dangerously psycho chick I've met. I feared what she would do if I ever broke up with her. However, that didn't keep me. Because hey... Guess who turned up... my now wife.
She wasn't like my first, she was better. I never knew a woman like her could exist. But yes, INDEED... at first I was not attracted to her physically.
However over time, she radiated a strength I have never seen. I can go ON and ON but yes, she was f--king incredible. And I found it SHOCKING that so many guys felt intimidated by her due to her rather f--ked up past.
I guess I really fell in love. And that made me blind to alot of things, not to mention myself. But as the honeymood period dies, and the fog is finally lifted... we... end up with ... issues
And I'm forced to face them in marriage.
END OF HISTORY....
I can see it as my fault... all of this. Player's rules, bubbles are asking to be popped... 100 guys crowd over the same woman, the woman follows that 1 guy who respects her space... sweet talk has a habit of embarrassing yourself, love = an embarrassment... random thoughts... oh hey, I'm a random dude
Due to my past I've learnt to block out emotions as I see fit. I can switch from lover to hater in a minute. What my wife desires makes me feel uncomfortable, she wants me to shower her endlessly in lovey dovey farts of rainbow colored butterflies outta my anus. I can't do that crap, unless of course she depletes me.
Pride, hate, trauma, pain and I use humor to cover it all up. My wife however, after so many years, is no longer amused, and wants to crack my nut. I will NOT be one of those 100 guys that crowd over her. Yet being the guy who "respects her space", is being the guy who doesn't appreciate her beauty.
Yet... there's also racist reasons. The more I allow myself to fall for her the more I lose myself because we're in a f--king IR relationship. I still have my pride as someone who stands for my people, and the beauty of my own women... who unfortunately, lack the same strength as my wife which I find VERY embarrassing, disgusting, and VERY disappointing.
I've said this a hundred times times a hundred, the gods have a sick sense of humor putting me in this mess.