Self worth - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 50 (permalink) Old 10-13-2016, 08:03 PM
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Re: Self worth

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I want this feeling to go away. That feeling deep down in the pit of your stomach like the shoe is always about to drop...Some of you know what Im feeling.
What you wrote here made me think of 'Imposter Syndrome' .....as on Wiki, referring to high-achieving individuals marked by an inability to internalize their accomplishments and a persistent fear of being exposed as a 'fraud'.

Perhaps have a read about this and see if you identify, then how to overcome it.

On the whole, I agree with (and ehco) Cletus. There may be a disconnect with the person you want to be - living congruently. Anxiety may also play a role in this where a professional could help.

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post #17 of 50 (permalink) Old 10-13-2016, 10:45 PM
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Re: Self worth

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Originally Posted by heartsbeating View Post
What you wrote here made me think of 'Imposter Syndrome' .....as on Wiki, referring to high-achieving individuals marked by an inability to internalize their accomplishments and a persistent fear of being exposed as a 'fraud'.

Perhaps have a read about this and see if you identify, then how to overcome it.

On the whole, I agree with (and ehco) Cletus. There may be a disconnect with the person you want to be - living congruently. Anxiety may also play a role in this where a professional could help.
Wow!

Thanks for this, HB!

I can't tell you how long I have dealt with this and thought it to be normal.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #18 of 50 (permalink) Old 10-13-2016, 10:49 PM
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Re: Self worth

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Originally Posted by unbe View Post
Always second guessing myself personally. Never really feel comfortable in a relationship like I always have to give more. Its really a shi$ty way to live.
A lot less sheety than being in a marriage where you always feel you have to give more...
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post #19 of 50 (permalink) Old 10-13-2016, 10:56 PM
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Re: Self worth

It's amazing, am roughly the same age, working on my second divorce, dead end job and living at my moms and I couldn't think more highly of myself.

I think it's a matter of perspective. I often feel like I am not living up to expectations (of whom, I don't know). I go on facebook and see all these people who are directors or vice presidents or whatever and it makes me feel like I am doing life wrong. When that feeling of inferiority complex sinks in, I remember that none of this matters. Someone loves 247 years ago and is dead now and nobody remembers one lick of them. I'll be forgotten and maybe all that will remain is my social security number. While that seems scary, it is also liberating. I am only living life for me. I am the only one there when I close my eyes at night.

Maybe that has nothing to do with how you feel, or maybe something may may you look at things differently. Live each day the way you want ands you will know that you are living up to your own expectations.
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post #20 of 50 (permalink) Old 10-13-2016, 11:03 PM
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Re: Self worth

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Wow!

Thanks for this, HB!

I can't tell you how long I have dealt with this and thought it to be normal.
As the saying goes, what's most personal is most common.

To recognize it within yourself, demonstrates you have a helpful level of self-awareness. Next is what you can do to help yourself.

Meanwhile I'm trying to overcome spelling 'echo' incorrectly. We all have stuff to deal with.

Music belongs in a place with hearts beating and brains dreaming and people falling in love. - J.Buckley
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post #21 of 50 (permalink) Old 10-13-2016, 11:20 PM
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Re: Self worth

I believe the best self worth comes from character, personal honor, personal responsibility. It is the one thing you have complete control over in your life, who you are as a person. It makes it easy to do the right thing because doing the right thing comes from a selfish motivation.

Part of that is having priorities about what makes you successful as a human being, not money, not fame, not how you look, all those things are transient, it's how you treat others. Character above all else is what makes you successful in relationships too. But that doesn't mean people always treat you right, what it means is your success in the relationship has nothing to do with how they treated you but is in how you treated them. Now if you find a woman who feels the same way (which I agree is not easy) then look out, you will have a good marriage, family, life as it comes to your personal relationship.
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post #22 of 50 (permalink) Old 10-13-2016, 11:27 PM
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Re: Self worth

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All,

I am rapidly coming to the realization that my biggest problem is self worth. I have none of it and its really hindering my ability to build healthy relationships. Also, I generally feel down a majority of the time because of it.

I am a good looking, fit 38yr old man.

Always been able to attract very good looking women. Sucessful in my career and have a ton of friends. I really have no reason to feel this way yet I do.

Until I am able to get passed this I feel I will continue to live in this rut.

Im sure this is a common theme amongst these boards. Id like to hear comments on this subject. Tips perhaps...
There are a few things at play:

1. You have objective reasons for which to be happy and feel worthy, of which you note.
2. You are comparing yourself to some arbitrary standard, coming up short of it.
3. You don't believe your rational mind, but the rambling self-doubts of the "inner-judge" (in the sense of Shauna Shapiro, PhD).


Here are some tips, and trust me, this is coming from someone that was plagued in my former years:
1. Stop thinking!
2. Become curiously aware with your lack of self-worth. Don't just realize what you feel, scrutinize it under a microscope.
3. Combat the thought/feeling with facts. The rambling negative inner voice loves rumination. Positivity prefers short and sweet. If you have questions, then answer them with facts.
4. Don't fight the thought/feeling. Let it come into your awareness, take action and then move on! It is a distraction, as if you realized you were thinking about pink elephants while driving. Be aware and then refocus to the task at hand.
5. Get busy. You are probably not busy enough to naturally quiet the mind. Again, curiosity helps to focus the mind.

Good Luck!
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post #23 of 50 (permalink) Old 10-14-2016, 12:12 AM
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Re: Self worth

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Originally Posted by sokillme View Post
I believe the best self worth comes from character, personal honor, personal responsibility. It is the one thing you have complete control over in your life, who you are as a person. It makes it easy to do the right thing because doing the right thing comes from a selfish motivation.

Part of that is having priorities about what makes you successful as a human being, not money, not fame, not how you look, all those things are transient, it's how you treat others. Character above all else is what makes you successful in relationships too. But that doesn't mean people always treat you right, what it means is your success in the relationship has nothing to do with how they treated you but is in how you treated them. Now if you find a woman who feels the same way (which I agree is not easy) then look out, you will have a good marriage, family, life as it comes to your personal relationship.
... at the end of the day.. isn't it truly about THIS.. This is a great write up >> 8 Tips to Feel at Peace with Yourself .. I hope it can give you some inspiration @unbe ...this was written by someone who struggles with Borderline Personality Disorder & was an alcoholic at one time.. she's done her best to get her life together...she speaks of finding that "Peace" she has learned to walk in...

A part of the article here:

Quote:
But the answer was so simple. You create your own state of mind by the things you do. And you cement that by the things you tell yourself.

As long as I behave with integrity every day, I can feel at peace with myself.

Things will always change. Life will sometimes be tough. People will say and do things you despair of. That’s just the nature of things.

As long as you hang onto your integrity, no matter what is happening in your world, you can go to bed with a clear conscience; and no matter how tough things get, you can still have that wonderful sense of peace within you.

But it takes some practice to really start to feel it, and to live with integrity at all times. Here are some tips to help you cultivate a sense of peace:

1. Know your “ideal self.”

Make a list of all the good qualities you intend to cultivate. Are you going to be kinder, fairer, more tolerant, more magnanimous, more patient, more dignified? What are your responses to difficulties going to be? What principles do you wish to uphold?

2. Do the next right thing.

If you’ve been struggling with your emotional or mental state, like I was, it may, at first, be difficult to act with integrity all the time. You may find yourself making mistakes and sometimes behaving in a less than ideal way. In order to build up a habit of sticking to your principles, just practice doing the “next right thing” all the time.

3. Let go of perfectionism.

I could have made my life a lot easier if I had validated the attempts I was making to do the right thing even when things were a struggle. Instead, I beat myself up and made myself feel worse, because I was angry with myself for not living right. It’s all a journey. Allow yourself to be imperfect, and yet still make progress.

4. Make amends immediately.

If for some reason you end up treating someone unfairly or unkindly, or doing something dishonest or mean, make amends for it as soon as you can. Don’t wait. Correct your mistakes as soon as possible, and you can find peace of mind in the fact that you have improved upon your actions and done your part to relieve any ill feeling or guilt.

5. Practice patience.

Other people around you may not be living in the same way that you have chosen to. It doesn’t matter; they will have their conscience to live with at the end of the day—and you will have yours. Choose to respond in a way that will give you peace of mind. Take a deep breath before reacting to people who push your buttons.

6. Let your head and heart support you.

You won’t have a peaceful mind if you allow negativity to dominate your thinking. Try to understand others, rather than judging them. Forgive others and you free yourself. Radiate compassion and be a good Samaritan. Not only will others benefit; you’ll also add to your own sense of self-esteem.

7. Think long-term.

It may be tempting to lose your rag when you’re feeling angry or frustrated. But think about how you will feel about yourself and your own actions later on. Will you be happy about your behavior? Will it lead to you feeling peace of mind? If not, don’t do it.

8. Validate yourself.

You will not get to feel that lovely sense of peace if you don’t take the time to fully acknowledge it. In difficult situations, look at what you did well. If you’ve been struggling, notice when you make progress. At the end of each day, summarize to yourself how you’ve acted well and kept your integrity.

What helps you feel at peace with yourself?


Also some people are just too hard on themselves....maybe you lack "self compassion"... are you the type who'd show compassion to a friend in their time of need.. doing all you could to help them... but if you found yourself in the same shoes...you'd only beat yourself up...being way harder on yourself ??

Test how self-compassionate you are | Kristin Neff
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post #24 of 50 (permalink) Old 10-14-2016, 04:09 AM
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Re: Self worth

Happiness is an every day choice. Get up every day and choose to be happy. Don't depend on others or things for your Happiness! You have the control...start believing it and living it. By the way, maybe you should start looking for a different type of woman! You mentioned they were "10's" which makes me believe you think superficial beauty is essential: and these same "10's" were crazy, lol! Attraction is a must, but physical perfection isn't. Start looking for woman of more substance, maybe it will make you feel better as well! Just my 2 cents!


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post #25 of 50 (permalink) Old 10-14-2016, 08:49 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Self worth

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Originally Posted by Lila View Post
I agree. It IS a very sh!tty way to live. Your feelings of inadequacy are tied to your happiness. Happiness is however you define it. It sounds circular, and it is.

I recommend two books.

Happier: Learn the Secrets to Daily Joy and Lasting Fulfillment
Book by Tal Ben-Shahar

Wherever You Go, There You Are
Book by Jon Kabat-Zinn
(I have this as an audiobook that I listen to whenever I'm having similar feelings)

Have you had IC?
Thank you for these recommendations, I will defin check them out.

I am in IC and have been for about 6 months now. Its gotten me to the point where I realized I have low self worth. Now Im trying to get over that fact

"When people show you who they are, believe them!"- RTZ
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post #26 of 50 (permalink) Old 10-14-2016, 08:50 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Self worth

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Originally Posted by Hope Shimmers View Post
Maybe you expect too much from yourself.



Why do you think that is? Are you trying to get something more from relationships with others? Or do you just think that it's your obligation to give so much?
I feel the more I give, the more I SHOULD get back in return. When I don't get that back, I get disappointment followed by anger followed by sadness.

"When people show you who they are, believe them!"- RTZ
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post #27 of 50 (permalink) Old 10-14-2016, 08:51 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Self worth

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A lot less sheety than being in a marriage where you always feel you have to give more...
Been there, done that my friend

"When people show you who they are, believe them!"- RTZ
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post #28 of 50 (permalink) Old 10-14-2016, 08:54 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Self worth

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Originally Posted by sokillme View Post
I believe the best self worth comes from character, personal honor, personal responsibility. It is the one thing you have complete control over in your life, who you are as a person. It makes it easy to do the right thing because doing the right thing comes from a selfish motivation.

Part of that is having priorities about what makes you successful as a human being, not money, not fame, not how you look, all those things are transient, it's how you treat others. Character above all else is what makes you successful in relationships too. But that doesn't mean people always treat you right, what it means is your success in the relationship has nothing to do with how they treated you but is in how you treated them. Now if you find a woman who feels the same way (which I agree is not easy) then look out, you will have a good marriage, family, life as it comes to your personal relationship.
This speaks volumes...My problem is im pressing trying to make a women fit into this mold. Its not working...

Its hard to keep belief that there is someone out there willing to meet me on my level. That's what makes me second guess and think my level is unattainable for anyone else, hence my expectations being to high.

"When people show you who they are, believe them!"- RTZ
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post #29 of 50 (permalink) Old 10-14-2016, 09:00 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Self worth

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Originally Posted by joyousone75 View Post
Happiness is an every day choice. Get up every day and choose to be happy. Don't depend on others or things for your Happiness! You have the control...start believing it and living it. By the way, maybe you should start looking for a different type of woman! You mentioned they were "10's" which makes me believe you think superficial beauty is essential: and these same "10's" were crazy, lol! Attraction is a must, but physical perfection isn't. Start looking for woman of more substance, maybe it will make you feel better as well! Just my 2 cents!


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Solid advice and very true.

"When people show you who they are, believe them!"- RTZ
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post #30 of 50 (permalink) Old 10-14-2016, 09:00 AM
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Re: Self worth

Unbe, in another thread you talk about smoking weed semi-regularly. I am NOT anti-weed. I smoke it myself from time to time. But one thing that I notice is the different perspectives I see things thru when I have not smoked, when I have smoked and the next day.
When I haven't smoked it is easier for me to place things in perspective, formlate plans and see them thru. I am thinking clearly and concentrating on my thoughts and actions. I focus on my wants and needs
When I smoke I tend to be more critical of myself. I feel I am not living up to the expectations of others. Some of this may come from my perception of society's views on weed in general. Whereby most "successful" people shun it and look down upon those who use it. I think a lot of this comes from my XW. So I guess I tend to think from the perspective of others.
The day after I tend to try to reconcile those two perspectives. I revert back to considering my wants and needs (smoking pot being one of them as it is something I generally enjoy) but at the same time use the perceptions I have gained to drive myself forward.
I guess I am just saying that perhaps you need to smoke less and have more days after to drive yourself forward. Instead of just smoking to smoke, perhaps use it as a reward for achieving something.

At the center of every moMEnt of my life is ME!
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