I think my husband is slipping away from me...
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Old 11-28-2011, 12:43 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default I think my husband is slipping away from me...

I dont know what to do. Ive posted a question on here before but it didnt help much (sorry)

The main thing is he says things to me that just arent right...in fact sometimes mean. Yet he talks about growing old together.

I think he is depressed or somehow lacks a chip when it comes to affection and caring. He never tells me he loves me and when I say it first, he just mumbles jibber jabber back, like Im suppose to assume he's saying I love you back. He never gives me compliments and he always blames me for everything.

He HATES his job but we own 2 houses so it makes it difficult for him to retire right now.

He never initiates sex either. When Im not around he looks at porn, which doesnt bother me...I know for a fact he isnt cheating. He has no problems with me useing his cell phone, he lets me look at his bank statements so he can show me something or ask a question..he isnt cheating trust me.

The name calling and non affection are what is troubling me.

He has called me "needy" and more recently, the other night...."annoying". He defined that by saying he cant stand when I leave cupboards and drawers open...which I admit is a horrible habit. My mother used to rag on me for it too when I was younger. But he said "everything about you is annoying...you leave stuff open all the time..."
He says his heartburn gets worse when Im around.

He *****es about EVERYTHING. Not just me, but our neighbors, his friends at work, his job, the economy, you name it, h e has *****ed about it.

Im not sure if he is unhappy with me or just frustrated with alot of stuff.
Ive tried to talk to him about it and he says he still loves me, but I just dont understand what his deal is. WTF?

then he talks about some land he wants to buy and say neither of us would have to work, and we could spend our days doing whatever we wanted.

THIS is puzzling....if Im so annoying and causing you killer heartburn (which is BS in my book) and you think Im so needy, then why the F do you want to think about a future with me?

I love the guy to bits but Jesus Christmas! Im getting mixed signals and I dont know if he even LIKES me.

Sex life is 2/3 times a week but I always come on to him.

Feel free to ask me more questions if youd like...


Guys,
what does this mean?
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Old 11-28-2011, 12:51 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: I think my husband is slipping away from me...

he is clearly unhappy about his life. i will admit to alot of the traits that you describe. i am just not happy. although one big difference is your frequency of intimacy and you showing interest, that would help turn me around bigtime.

my wife has some habits that eat at me bigtime (far worse than your draw/cabinet issue). i harbor resentment about those things. its being forced on me.

he is depressed in my opinion, why i dont know
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Old 11-28-2011, 01:06 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: I think my husband is slipping away from me...

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Originally Posted by okeydokie View Post
he is clearly unhappy about his life. i will admit to alot of the traits that you describe. i am just not happy. although one big difference is your frequency of intimacy and you showing interest, that would help turn me around bigtime.

my wife has some habits that eat at me bigtime (far worse than your draw/cabinet issue). i harbor resentment about those things. its being forced on me.

he is depressed in my opinion, why i dont know
I think he is depressed too. It makes me so sad, but infuriated at the same time. He hates doctors, so trying to get him some help aint happenin.
The weird thing is, is in the past, most recently this weekend, he has called himslef out about his attitude. "Why am I so angry all the time...I need to stop being such an a-hole".
I told him "yeah and do you know you viciously take it out on me sometimes?" He never says Im sorry or anything.

I know he would be much better if he didnt have to worry about money and a job, but he also knows that he has to stick it out a little longer.

Another thing is he used to work 6 days a week so we would only see each other on Sundays. but they have had to change a few things at his work so he now works only 3 days a wk, 12 hr shifts. I thought maybe his mood would change with this newfound freetime at home, but it hasnt.
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Old 11-28-2011, 06:08 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: I think my husband is slipping away from me...

i no how u feel about everything is ur fault i wish i i could give u an answer i can sympethize with u though
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Old 11-29-2011, 10:59 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: I think my husband is slipping away from me...

First impression - sell a house.

Depession can manifest itself in many ways. Since he is resisting goig to a Dr you have to take care of yourself. If he's saying he loves you still, I have to think this is a good thing.

Saying stuff to him like, "yeah and do you know you viciously take it out on me sometimes?" is not helpful to him.

For my depression, it was a number of big things that were causing it, and it would coming out in small ways, like "yes, you not closing the door is so F***ING annoying." I needed to place the hurt/anger/frustration/depression on something or someone. FOr me, I called a Work?Life number that my employer had which got the ball rolling. I didn't know I was depressed, I didn't know what was wrong with me. Maybe it's similar for him.

If you could step back and not take his mean words personnaly (which I know is really hard), and try and be objective, in the moment, this might help him to understand the impact he's having, and perhaps, how his behavior is not rational nor acceptable. Being objective - stating what happened, what he said and how that made you feel. Don't preach, don't reprimand, don't blame.

The first step would be for him to simply see a LCSW or a psychologist for a brief (30-45 min) appointment, just to assess his situation. For me, antidperessants (for about 2 years) and talk therapy helped me tremendously.

Good luck.
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Old 12-27-2012, 05:45 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: I think my husband is slipping away from me...

I wouldn't give up on him, it sounds like he's trying to reach out but is lost in his depression/ funk. Sometimes we don't have the tools to deal with our issues.

Showing affection may not be one of his strong points but like another poster said, your intimacy is a positive sign. I also sensed your love for him...it didn't sound as if you were ready to quit on him just that you were unsure of his feelings towards you.

Take care of yourself and I hope that you are guys can work this out.

Seek some professional help, confide in trusted family and friends who will want the best for you. Sometimes there are no quick fixes but it is up to you to decide if your relationship is worth fighting for.
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Old 12-27-2012, 06:38 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: I think my husband is slipping away from me...

From your basic description here I suspect that he is suffering a despressive state. You pointd out that he hates his job, we all do that on occasion its part and parcel of working life. But there is a point where hating the job is generated by other issues in the work place such as overload, harrassement, inability to keep up with a younger team players or being seen as the "old guy" in the team who cannot move forward. He may like a routine and his job now demands flexibility. Ther are ways to approach this are first and taht is by listening to what hes saying about the job. He will make comments and they will be short, sharp statments but it may open a door for you to ask more questions.
He is himself seeing an angry unhappy man - That initself is a positive thing..... for you BOTH. Depression especially clinical depression can cause huge upset in an individual and the off shoot is you get the attitude hes dishing out. I suspect hes not aiming it at you but at anyone he can who is near, your always the nearest one. The issue of land you stated "then he talks about some land he wants to buy and say neither of us would have to work, and we could spend our days doing whatever we wanted". He is looking to escape from a "something" the positive he wants you there with him -- He is finding vocalising his feeling s difficult because in his head hes continually going over and over the issue(s) that are triggerng his low mood. IS therea financial issue hes really botheered about? You mention 2 houses, could /should you get rid of one and reinvest in the other only therefore releasing some of the burdan. There is clearly an underlying issue. If it was you then he wouldnt have made references to being with you always and to buying the land and letting the world float by.
Talk is vital now and it isnt going to happen esily as it means he'll need to actually confront the issues that weigh on him.
Is there opportunity to take a break together away from your immeadiate environment so that the issue(s) are parked in one place and he can feel like hes away / escaped them for a short time. If there is use it productively and talk about what hes seeig as the future for you both and LISTEN as he will slip in the reason why hes feels the way he is. He may also need to have some support outside the immeadiate family. There he can vocalise issues without bias or feeling judged.
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Old 12-27-2012, 08:37 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: I think my husband is slipping away from me...

Pault,
You have hit on some great points. I would like to add another. Clinical depression is anger turned inward. When that anger becomes overwhelming it is released unexpectedly at others who preceive that anger as aggression. The result being the depressive isolates him/her self from those around him/her thereby increasing the depression. It is a downward cycle that is a cry for help. it is hard for depressives loved ones in that they are the target of the depressives anger.
The depressives loves ones need to remember that the depressive CAN NOT HURT THEM. Hurt is subjective and, therefore, the depressive can only hurt themselves, and hurt themselves they do. The depressives loved ones need to get themselves in therapy to learn how to protect themselves and how to cope with their loved one. If the depressive will not enter into therapy that is his/her choice. If the depressive chooses not to get help, so be it. But at least the loved ones will be taking care of themselves.
It took a long time for the depressive to get into this state, and the problem is not going to resolved overnight, and probably will never be resolved. In fact, the depressive, even with therapy, will always be in a state of flux (as we all are), but with help the depressive will have a better life after learning how to recognize the depression.
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Old 12-27-2012, 10:07 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: I think my husband is slipping away from me...

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Originally Posted by RainbowLily View Post
Guys,
what does this mean?
At the very least, your husband is the victim of some bad habits that he would be well served to start changing right away. Since he can obviously work, he has some personal discipline so I don't think it would be too much to ask him to follow a daily 'punch list' to start replacing some of his bad habits with good ones.

Start with kissing you 4 times a day, when he wakes up, when he leaves, when he returns and before going to sleep.

Challenge him to identify 3 positive personality traits you have and compliment you on each of them every day.

Put him on a schedule and tell him we are going to make love twice a week on Friday and Sunday nights at 9PM so clear your schedule and be present and ready and be on your best behavior.
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Old 12-27-2012, 11:37 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: I think my husband is slipping away from me...

Hey rainbowlilly- i came here from my own thread 'why would a man stay in an unhappy marriage' as i too feel my husband is slipping away...funny enough mine also wants to buy a new house in the country with me - yet most of the time acts like he would rather i just wasn't there- thats why i posted in the first place as i just did not understand why he just didn't pick up and leave if i was such a pain in the ar!se...fact you guys are still physical is really cool though and so happy that you have that closeness still...i hope it works out
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Old 12-28-2012, 04:46 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: I think my husband is slipping away from me...

Quote:
Originally Posted by MsPATS View Post
Pault,
You have hit on some great points. I would like to add another. Clinical depression is anger turned inward. When that anger becomes overwhelming it is released unexpectedly at others who preceive that anger as aggression. The result being the depressive isolates him/her self from those around him/her thereby increasing the depression. It is a downward cycle that is a cry for help. it is hard for depressives loved ones in that they are the target of the depressives anger.
The depressives loves ones need to remember that the depressive CAN NOT HURT THEM. Hurt is subjective and, therefore, the depressive can only hurt themselves, and hurt themselves they do. The depressives loved ones need to get themselves in therapy to learn how to protect themselves and how to cope with their loved one. If the depressive will not enter into therapy that is his/her choice. If the depressive chooses not to get help, so be it. But at least the loved ones will be taking care of themselves.
It took a long time for the depressive to get into this state, and the problem is not going to resolved overnight, and probably will never be resolved. In fact, the depressive, even with therapy, will always be in a state of flux (as we all are), but with help the depressive will have a better life after learning how to recognize the depression.
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Old 12-28-2012, 10:32 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: I think my husband is slipping away from me...

Has he had a physical? Interestingly enough, I just read an article about men getting grumpy and it turns out low testosterone also causes mood changes. This is why men often get grumpy as they get older - the image of an old man yelling for kids to get off his lawn, etc. So while depression and counseling, etc. are all useful, too, I would make sure he gets a physical and meanwhile tell his doctor to please test his testosterone levels. There are some guys here who know more specifics about what to look for and what the levels should be, etc. It could be that simple, especially since you mention not retiring soon, it sort of implies he's NEAR that age and testosterone drops over time.

Good luck!
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