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post #16 of 54 (permalink) Old 10-30-2016, 11:25 AM
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Re: Responsibility for other people's decisions

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I think we'll need to agree to disagree on a FWB "arrangement" being a relationship.

And he doesn't need to do anything. But he's opened enough threads on the topic where the dream of the FWB doesn't work the way he wants it to.

He wants the benefits of a relationship - a woman readily available for sex when he desires without needing to have the emotional involvement.

So really the question is can you sleep with a woman long-term and have her not develop some sort of feelings and have it stay in "F$%#-buddy" zone forever? I'm going to argue not likely.

But OP over threads has revealed to have very specific standards - they can't be too short or he can't 69 properly. They have to be a "solid 10." And he has to bail if they develop feelings. I cannot honestly say I see that feasible and supportable over the long-term.
It is his life. No one else's. Sounds to me like you have expectations that he should have to live up to.

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post #17 of 54 (permalink) Old 10-30-2016, 11:36 AM
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Re: Responsibility for other people's decisions

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It is his life. No one else's. Sounds to me like you have expectations that he should have to live up to.
That could be said for any post made in response to anyone on this board that it's their life and we shouldn't have any expectations or thoughts because of moral relativity, etc. And yet, that's the very nature of posting here. OP can do what he wants with my thoughts up to and including ignoring them.

But long-term do I think a plan of attracting a string of gorgeous tall women willing to have a FWB with the OP versus a more steady relationship with the OP is feasible? No, not really. Unless the OP is a sex-god, eventually these fine ladies will figure out they can likely get sex and the more traditional benefits of a relationship elsewhere. Probably as OP has discovered/is discovering when they realize they miss the emotional aspect of a relationship. So eventually the OP might have to address that.
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post #18 of 54 (permalink) Old 10-30-2016, 11:45 AM
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Re: Responsibility for other people's decisions

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That could be said for any post made in response to anyone on this board that it's their life and we shouldn't have any expectations or thoughts because of moral relativity, etc. And yet, that's the very nature of posting here. OP can do what he wants with my thoughts up to and including ignoring them.

But long-term do I think a plan of attracting a string of gorgeous tall women willing to have a FWB with the OP versus a more steady relationship with the OP is feasible? No, not really. Unless the OP is a sex-god, eventually these fine ladies will figure out they can likely get sex and the more traditional benefits of a relationship elsewhere. Probably as OP has discovered/is discovering when they realize they miss the emotional aspect of a relationship. So eventually the OP might have to address that.
No, that could not be said about any post made in response to anyone else. The OP didn't ask if his "plan" was feasible. He only asked if he was responsible for someone. You chose to make his "plan" an issue.
Perhaps at some point, the OP may decide his "plan" is not feasible. At that point it will be his decision to amend, deviate or abandon that plan. Perhaps the OP has decided that for him, a string of short term FWB relationships is what is in his best interest at this time. No one should be in a "relationship" because of the expectations of others. Yet that is the expectation you are pushing. I disagree with that.

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post #19 of 54 (permalink) Old 10-30-2016, 11:57 AM
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Responsibility for other people's decisions

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Originally Posted by Ynot View Post
No, that could not be said about any post made in response to anyone else. The OP didn't ask if his "plan" was feasible. He only asked if he was responsible for someone. You chose to make his "plan" an issue.

Perhaps at some point, the OP may decide his "plan" is not feasible. At that point it will be his decision to amend, deviate or abandon that plan. Perhaps the OP has decided that for him, a string of short term FWB relationships is what is in his best interest at this time. No one should be in a "relationship" because of the expectations of others. Yet that is the expectation you are pushing. I disagree with that.


OP is getting the advice we think he needs to consider, not necessarily what he asked for. He can choose to ignore it.

SSF was addressing OP with her advice, not you.

Last edited by blueinbr; 10-30-2016 at 12:02 PM.
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post #20 of 54 (permalink) Old 10-30-2016, 12:11 PM
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Re: Responsibility for other people's decisions

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Yes, it is wrong to continue the relationship. Very wrong.

Btw, she did not "decide" to fall in love. It just happened.

But you "deciding" to continue the relationship is cruel to her. She may tell you she wants to continue, but it is because she hopes you will change your mind. Don't do that to her because you have to do work to find a good replacement.
I take great exception to this. It is basically the logic cheaters use to absolve themselves of responsibility for their own infidelity.

Yes, people are entirely at fault for falling in love. It doesn't 'just happen.' It is a choice the person makes to continue associating with the person they feel themselves developing feelings for. If you don't want to fall in love with someone, stop being with them sooner.

If his FWB is falling in love with him, it's her choice. If he wants to end the friendship because he believes he cannot reciprocate and he doesn't want her falling further, and she's not making the choice to stop it herself, then I find that very respectful of him.

However, if he continues the FWB relationship despite knowing she's falling for him, that's her issue to deal with, not his. She's an adult, and she knew what she was getting into. As long as he's honest with her about still not wanting it to to develop into anything deeper, it's on her to continue or not continue after her feelings have changed.
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post #21 of 54 (permalink) Old 10-30-2016, 12:25 PM
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Re: Responsibility for other people's decisions

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Originally Posted by Hopeful Cynic View Post
I take great exception to this. It is basically the logic cheaters use to absolve themselves of responsibility for their own infidelity.



Yes, people are entirely at fault for falling in love. It doesn't 'just happen.' It is a choice the person makes to continue associating with the person they feel themselves developing feelings for. If you don't want to fall in love with someone, stop being with them sooner.



If his FWB is falling in love with him, it's her choice. If he wants to end the friendship because he believes he cannot reciprocate and he doesn't want her falling further, and she's not making the choice to stop it herself, then I find that very respectful of him.



However, if he continues the FWB relationship despite knowing she's falling for him, that's her issue to deal with, not his. She's an adult, and she knew what she was getting into. As long as he's honest with her about still not wanting it to to develop into anything deeper, it's on her to continue or not continue after her feelings have changed.


Well, if OP does not care about the FWB he should continue to do what he wants regardless of the effect on her.

If he cares about her, he should do what is right, for BOTH of them.

It's that simple.

IMO OP just wants to be absolved of any responsibility or guilt. That is the same attitude a POSOM has when cheating with a married woman. It's her choice so he should not care that he has a major role in breaking up a or family.
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post #22 of 54 (permalink) Old 10-30-2016, 12:36 PM
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Re: Responsibility for other people's decisions

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Originally Posted by Hopeful Cynic View Post
I take great exception to this. It is basically the logic cheaters use to absolve themselves of responsibility for their own infidelity.

Yes, people are entirely at fault for falling in love. It doesn't 'just happen.' It is a choice the person makes to continue associating with the person they feel themselves developing feelings for. If you don't want to fall in love with someone, stop being with them sooner.

If his FWB is falling in love with him, it's her choice. If he wants to end the friendship because he believes he cannot reciprocate and he doesn't want her falling further, and she's not making the choice to stop it herself, then I find that very respectful of him.

However, if he continues the FWB relationship despite knowing she's falling for him, that's her issue to deal with, not his. She's an adult, and she knew what she was getting into. As long as he's honest with her about still not wanting it to to develop into anything deeper, it's on her to continue or not continue after her feelings have changed.
I can totally relate to this post, except in my case it was my wife at the time and not a FWB. She told me in oh so many ways, but I kept getting deeper and deeper. I gave more and more of myself to the point of giving myself away. I was despondent and just wanted to die. But yet I fought on (?). I realize now that those thoughts and actions were a result of my decisions and no one else's. I became reactive instead of responsive, I was unhappy. In the end she made the decision for me. As of yet I am not to the point of feeling gratitude for my freedom, but I do admire her for taking the action, that I had refused to do. The OP is simply attempting to define in his own head where the cut off is for him. Because I truly think that unless one has experienced a similar event in their life, you can't relate to the OP's internal dillemma.

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post #23 of 54 (permalink) Old 10-30-2016, 01:59 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Responsibility for other people's decisions

As always I remain honest with my FWBs, the question is whether they are being honest with me, and whether I should respect their word as their own decision or rely on my own instincts to discern what I would consider the truth, and then making decisions for them based on my own one-sided understanding of the situation - while ultimately their decision to stay or leave is not even mine to begin with.

This is the dilemma, worrying about the "what ifs" have been the cause of many black holes in my mental processes over the years, leading to a lot of pointless anxiety. So I question them now.

As for my single lifestyle vs a relationship, if an opportunity for a relationship with a woman who is compatible with me comes, sure. No such opportunity is in front of me at the moment.
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post #24 of 54 (permalink) Old 10-30-2016, 02:43 PM
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Re: Responsibility for other people's decisions

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I can totally relate to this post, except in my case it was my wife at the time and not a FWB. She told me in oh so many ways, but I kept getting deeper and deeper. I gave more and more of myself to the point of giving myself away. I was despondent and just wanted to die. But yet I fought on (?). I realize now that those thoughts and actions were a result of my decisions and no one else's. I became reactive instead of responsive, I was unhappy. In the end she made the decision for me. As of yet I am not to the point of feeling gratitude for my freedom, but I do admire her for taking the action, that I had refused to do. The OP is simply attempting to define in his own head where the cut off is for him. Because I truly think that unless one has experienced a similar event in their life, you can't relate to the OP's internal dillemma.


Well said. I can relate to this thread because i have been on the opposite side of OP. I was used by another who knew what she was doing to me. Yes it was my choice but that did not make the pain any less. Extracting myself from the situation was much harder than i wanted.

If OP was empathetic with his FWB he might arrive at a different cut off.
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post #25 of 54 (permalink) Old 10-30-2016, 02:45 PM
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Re: Responsibility for other people's decisions

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As always I remain honest with my FWBs, the question is whether they are being honest with me, and whether I should respect their word as their own decision or rely on my own instincts to discern what I would consider the truth, and then making decisions for them based on my own one-sided understanding of the situation - while ultimately their decision to stay or leave is not even mine to begin with.



This is the dilemma, worrying about the "what ifs" have been the cause of many black holes in my mental processes over the years, leading to a lot of pointless anxiety. So I question them now.



As for my single lifestyle vs a relationship, if an opportunity for a relationship with a woman who is compatible with me comes, sure. No such opportunity is in front of me at the moment.


I don't think it is pointless anxiety. Maybe you really do care about them.
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post #26 of 54 (permalink) Old 10-30-2016, 03:08 PM
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Re: Responsibility for other people's decisions

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I don't think it is pointless anxiety. Maybe you really do care about them.
Perhaps he simply cares for them as a human being

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post #27 of 54 (permalink) Old 10-30-2016, 03:09 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Responsibility for other people's decisions

It is more worry and anxiety than caring or empathy, which the latter in this situation is irrelevant, as the fact remains that continuing to worry does neither of us any good either than complicating and bringing up potentially non-existent issues. These issues can be existent sure, but when she has already affirmed it clearly in her own words that there wouldn't be any complications, why should I hold myself responsible for any development of her feelings at all especially if all I have are my own suspicions in the end?
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post #28 of 54 (permalink) Old 10-30-2016, 03:21 PM
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Re: Responsibility for other people's decisions

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It is more worry and anxiety than caring or empathy, which the latter in this situation is irrelevant, as the fact remains that continuing to worry does neither of us any good either than complicating and bringing up potentially non-existent issues. These issues can be existent sure, but when she has already affirmed it clearly in her own words that there wouldn't be any complications, why should I hold myself responsible for any development of her feelings at all especially if all I have are my own suspicions in the end?
You could just ask her if you suspicions are correct. You seem to have some basic human feelings even if you don't want a relationship; you say you don't want anything beyond sex. Talk to her. Explain your wishes haven't changed but that you may be being paranoid, but you feel like for the reasons you mentioned in your initial post, she has developed feelings and you don't want to be unfair to her, and want to make sure you're still on the same page.

Whether you're responsible for her feelings or not seems sort of irrelevant; if she has developed feelings for you, isn't it sort of sh*&y of you to continue to sleep with her when you know neither of you can give the other what they truly want? If she has feelings for you, you can't make her happy just by f(_&ing her. If she has feelings for you, she can't make you happy anymore because all of a sudden, emotions are involved (I won't go into your arrangement because that's your own business). If she doesn't have feelings for you - hooray! You're in the clear. You won't know until you ask.
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post #29 of 54 (permalink) Old 10-30-2016, 04:20 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Responsibility for other people's decisions

I already did, but I have a habit of worrying too much and not believing what people tell me.

So far though, I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt.
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post #30 of 54 (permalink) Old 10-30-2016, 04:29 PM
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Re: Responsibility for other people's decisions

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As always I remain honest with my FWBs, the question is whether they are being honest with me, and whether I should respect their word as their own decision or rely on my own instincts to discern what I would consider the truth, and then making decisions for them based on my own one-sided understanding of the situation - while ultimately their decision to stay or leave is not even mine to begin with.

This is the dilemma, worrying about the "what ifs" have been the cause of many black holes in my mental processes over the years, leading to a lot of pointless anxiety. So I question them now.

As for my single lifestyle vs a relationship, if an opportunity for a relationship with a woman who is compatible with me comes, sure. No such opportunity is in front of me at the moment.
I've always found it interesting to hear concern with what others feel in something so inherently selfish in nature and action, which is what a friend-with-benefits is. One of you is looking for a level of closeness, because if you weren't you be just another faceless partner among many in any given encounter.

You really sacrifice nothing in this arrangement, therein you also have nothing to offer even if you try to justify with "but the other party gets great sex", is that really the sum of all value (a question, not a judgement)?

Some come into our lives as blessings, others as lessons... which would you like to be? I would think that a FWB would more often than not deliver more of the latter for both parties.

If you are unsettled with it, there is a reason...
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