Responsibility for other people's decisions - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
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post #31 of 54 (permalink) Old 10-30-2016, 06:56 PM
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Re: Responsibility for other people's decisions

Although I've never had a fwb, I always thought I would be fine with being in that type of situation and not have feelings. However, at one point in my younger life, when I was facing that possibility, just talking about intimate details with that person over a period of months, without actually doing anything, made me have feelings for them. So, I am sure now I could never do that and not get hurt. I DO think you know this girl is having feelings for you and that means it is your responsibility to stop so she doesn't get hurt. Ask her if she thinks she is developing feelings or if she is still okay with it. It's not okay to continue to do something that you know will hurt someone.
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post #32 of 54 (permalink) Old 10-30-2016, 11:25 PM
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Re: Responsibility for other people's decisions

Of course an FWB is a relationship. Relationships come in all shapes and sizes. You have a relationship to your boss at work, you have a relationship with the cashier at the store. A relationship is nothing more than two people who have a reason to engage with each other, and who generally have a shared understanding of what that engagement is like. This concept is well within the fundamentals of psych 101 as well as standard business management education.

If your behavior must be chosen in order to properly interact with somone - a police officer, a spouse, a teacher, a store clerk - then there is a relationship. The actions of one person will be affected by the actions of the other.

You might argue, and I would agree, that an FWB is not a romantic relationship. But romantic relationships are not the only type, nor the most common type.

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post #33 of 54 (permalink) Old 10-30-2016, 11:29 PM
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Re: Responsibility for other people's decisions

I don't understand - I see nothing in the original posting suggesting that you took responsibility for her decisions. Rather, all you did was decide, for yourself, that you wanted to not be in a relationship with someone who'd decided to take it to a more romantic place than you wanted to be.

You were merely acting on your own preferences. If anything, you declined any responsibility for anything you might have already done to lead her on. So, while you seem to think you took more responsiblity than you should - I think you took less.

So, for the next fwb, figure out what it was you did that told her it would be good for her to attach...and don't do it again! (slight chuckle).

You have to understand I speak only theoretically - I've never had an FWB, and can't say that I would seek one in the future, either.

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post #34 of 54 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 04:02 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Responsibility for other people's decisions

FWBs are selfish? Lol - I found it no more selfish than your average romantic relationship

Besides my current FWB probably gives me the most genuine "loving" considering I don't take her out nor spend any money on her. I'm her walking dildo, and thankfully I'm not her walking wallet! Someone else can be once she finds her sugar daddy, the poor sod.
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post #35 of 54 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 02:58 PM
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Re: Responsibility for other people's decisions

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Originally Posted by 225985 View Post
Yes, it is wrong to continue the relationship. Very wrong.

Btw, she did not "decide" to fall in love. It just happened.

But you "deciding" to continue the relationship is cruel to her. She may tell you she wants to continue, but it is because she hopes you will change your mind. Don't do that to her because you have to do work to find a good replacement.

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Nope. So long as you have clearly illustrated your boundrys and what you are capable of then what they do with that information is on them. But they do need to be told for sure.
Honestly I can see both sides to this.. but ethically.. he is wrong to continue if HE has any feelings at all for this person he is banging- and I don't mean Romantic feelings.. just enough care that HE WOULDN'T WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE THAT.. the whole "golden rule" thing....does it mean nothing to people anymore..

Does he not give a damn she may be crying tears every night hoping for more...that's just UGLY... hurtful, and disgraceful... all she did was develop feelings.. this is just one of many reasons casual sex is not what it's cracked up to be... it is very hurtful to many people.. they THINK they can handle it (and I would say far more women on this account) but they find out they really can't.. ..it ends up destroying their trust in Love, anything lasting... and deters people from being vulnerable , even being capable of Love....and who could blame them...
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post #36 of 54 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 07:44 PM
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Re: Responsibility for other people's decisions

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FWBs are selfish? Lol - I found it no more selfish than your average romantic relationship

Besides my current FWB probably gives me the most genuine "loving" considering I don't take her out nor spend any money on her. I'm her walking dildo, and thankfully I'm not her walking wallet! Someone else can be once she finds her sugar daddy, the poor sod.
You do you, dude.

But personally, I wouldn't be happy with my having my son thinking about a girl like that. That the goal should be to get what you can out of it and give as little in return.

Like, would you be okay with your daughter in a relationship where she's thought of so poorly with snide remarks about needing a "walking dildo?"
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post #37 of 54 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 08:10 PM
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Re: Responsibility for other people's decisions

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You do you, dude.

But personally, I wouldn't be happy with my having my son thinking about a girl like that. That the goal should be to get what you can out of it and give as little in return.

Like, would you be okay with your daughter in a relationship where she's thought of so poorly with snide remarks about needing a "walking dildo?"
I have both a son and a daughter. Honestly I hope they both found out that sex is a physical act that can be detached from emotion. I hope that they both found out the things that made that physical act pleasurable for them.
You seem to assume the woman isn't getting anything out of the arrangement. What is so snide about him feeling like her walking dildo? You don't think women like the physical enjoyment of sex?

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post #38 of 54 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 09:58 PM
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Re: Responsibility for other people's decisions

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Honestly I hope they both found out that sex is a physical act that can be detached from emotion.
Can be. But that's the core issue here isn't it - it is detached emotional for the OP, but he gets the idea it often isn't or eventually isn't for the partner. And the question of what ultimately responsibility one human has to another if any based on that.

Also, the concept of making sex a purely physical act detached from emotion or connection I'd argue is why TAM's CWI section is so jamming. After all, it's just sex ... right?

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What is so snide about him feeling like her walking dildo? You don't think women like the physical enjoyment of sex?
I'm more than aware that women can physically enjoy sex, thanks. Apparently more so than some posters on TAM as I'm not in a sexless or basically sexless marriage now have I been.

As for why it's snide, I certainly can't imagine having that said about me in front of someone else. "Hey, I'm Jessica's walking dildo, how are you?"
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post #39 of 54 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 10:07 PM
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Re: Responsibility for other people's decisions

I think it comes down to honesty. I believe you owe her honesty in the relationship. You've made it clear you only want to be FWB. That first letter is F for Friends. You can't be her friend if you're selfishly leading her on so that you can keep dipping your wick. When you have reason to suspect she is becoming more attached than just FWB, you owe it to her to re-establish the boundaries and to re-assess things. Even if she says she is ok with just FWB, if you believe she is secretly hoping (and perhaps maneuvering) for more, you should cut off the sex and the close relationship.

Yes, she's an adult and she is responsible for herself. As long as you believe she is fully aware of your boundaries and is fully on board with it, you have no moral duty to protect her from potential emotional distress later on if she does develop stronger feelings.
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post #40 of 54 (permalink) Old 11-02-2016, 07:39 AM
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Re: Responsibility for other people's decisions

If you sleep with someone over a long period of time, the odds are pretty high that you will develop feelings for them, or at least wonder what it would be like to take the next step. This happens to both men and women.

OP, I would just put the shoe on the other foot. What if you were the one who decided you wanted more from her.? How would you want to be treated? The way you frame it in your OP, it sounds like you would expect her to just be overjoyed and go along with it. But she might equally come back at you and say that she is not responsible for your feelings, you made a deal for no attachment, and you broke it.
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post #41 of 54 (permalink) Old 11-02-2016, 08:07 AM
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Re: Responsibility for other people's decisions

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Can be. But that's the core issue here isn't it - it is detached emotional for the OP, but he gets the idea it often isn't or eventually isn't for the partner. And the question of what ultimately responsibility one human has to another if any based on that.

Also, the concept of making sex a purely physical act detached from emotion or connection I'd argue is why TAM's CWI section is so jamming. After all, it's just sex ... right?



I'm more than aware that women can physically enjoy sex, thanks. Apparently more so than some posters on TAM as I'm not in a sexless or basically sexless marriage now have I been.

As for why it's snide, I certainly can't imagine having that said about me in front of someone else. "Hey, I'm Jessica's walking dildo, how are you?"
Wow, so much projection going on here. What does the actions of two single, consenting adults have to do with infidelity in marriage? In case you missed it, most marriage vows include some statement about pledging one self to another. Where has that been mentioned in the OP's scenario? Perhaps I missed where they pledged eternal fidelity to one another. Maybe you can point it out.
Then you take offense to the OPs comment that he is just her walking dildo. Another thing you seem to miss, is that in a FWB situation that is pretty much what he is. In fact she is really nothing more than his walking cvm dump. That is a relationship they have both freely entered in to. Both of them has accepted those roles. Those were their choices. But it is nice of you to project your own biases and/or insecurities onto them.
So, you aren't into being a FWB. That is great. But it is not your place to chastise others who have chosen to go that route. It isn't the thing for you, I get it.

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post #42 of 54 (permalink) Old 11-02-2016, 03:41 PM
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Re: Responsibility for other people's decisions

I think your responsibility to the other person lies in just being honest with them. While it is likely that with prolonged sex feelings will eventually develop and one or both of your relationship desires may change, as long as you are both maintaining open communication you can each adjust as you see fit. I think it would be far less responsible to make decisions for the other person since it would be made based on the assumption that you know more about their wants/needs than they do.
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post #43 of 54 (permalink) Old 11-09-2016, 09:52 PM
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Re: Responsibility for other people's decisions

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And what if we have no idea? Like at present, my FWB denies any attachment, yet she calls/texts everyday.
Do you text back? Call back? How soon and how often?
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post #44 of 54 (permalink) Old 11-10-2016, 07:01 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Responsibility for other people's decisions

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Originally Posted by Bananapeel View Post
I think it would be far less responsible to make decisions for the other person since it would be made based on the assumption that you know more about their wants/needs than they do.
Aye... this!

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Originally Posted by Anon here View Post
Do you text back? Call back? How soon and how often?
Yeah eventually, I'm always busy so most of the time it's just replying to random flirts or organising where and when to meet.

The fact that she texts me without fail every single morning is a little suspicious though, hence I found myself falling into the trap of assumption - which is I guess, less responsible than if I would just let her make her own decisions. Perhaps it's just her routine.
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post #45 of 54 (permalink) Old 11-10-2016, 07:05 AM
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Re: Responsibility for other people's decisions

Are you treating her the way you would want your daughter, in similar circumstances, treated?
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One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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