Responsibility for other people's decisions - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 54 (permalink) Old 10-29-2016, 07:52 PM Thread Starter
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Responsibility for other people's decisions

Been thinking lately, I seem to have made a few mental black holes in my brain this year. Here's the scenario: Let's say I have a friend with benefits, but she gets attached - but instead of continuing things, I cut loose - because I figure - I don't want to lead her on and break her heart, but then I end up struggling to find a new one, not to mention some FWBs are actually good, like my current one.

Where do we as men draw the line? Should we hold ourselves responsible for someone else's decisions? If one has made it perfectly clear that there can be no future, no relationship, no attachment, and the other person still falls in love, are we to be judged if we continue the "relationship"?
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post #2 of 54 (permalink) Old 10-29-2016, 08:04 PM
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Responsibility for other people's decisions

Yes, it is wrong to continue the relationship. Very wrong.

Btw, she did not "decide" to fall in love. It just happened.

But you "deciding" to continue the relationship is cruel to her. She may tell you she wants to continue, but it is because she hopes you will change your mind. Don't do that to her because you have to do work to find a good replacement.

Last edited by 225985; 10-29-2016 at 08:09 PM.
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post #3 of 54 (permalink) Old 10-29-2016, 08:56 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Responsibility for other people's decisions

And what if we have no idea? Like at present, my FWB denies any attachment, yet she calls/texts everyday. So if we continue in potential ignorance, are we also to blame?
Heck, even what if she had fallen, and if she remains dishonest so she won't lose a FWB as well, are we men also to blame?

I found I've wasted alot of mental energy over the years since divorce trying to decipher womens' true intentions or feelings or decisions instead of just living life and enjoying it

What if this could be a good thing, what if this could be a great lasting FWB arrangement? Must we ruin it out of fear of potentially hurting another's feelings? Feelings that may not even be there?
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post #4 of 54 (permalink) Old 10-29-2016, 09:05 PM
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Re: Responsibility for other people's decisions

Nope. So long as you have clearly illustrated your boundrys and what you are capable of then what they do with that information is on them. But they do need to be told for sure.
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post #5 of 54 (permalink) Old 10-29-2016, 09:11 PM
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Responsibility for other people's decisions

So, you don't want to put in the effort to care about her feelings. You just want to f*** her. Then tell her that. Then if she wants to continue you are in the clear.
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post #6 of 54 (permalink) Old 10-29-2016, 09:54 PM
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Re: Responsibility for other people's decisions

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Originally Posted by RandomDude View Post
Where do we as men draw the line? Should we hold ourselves responsible for someone else's decisions? If one has made it perfectly clear that there can be no future, no relationship, no attachment, and the other person still falls in love, are we to be judged if we continue the "relationship"?
We are social creatures, and the lines aren't always as clear-cut as we'd like to pretend. If you've made your boundaries clear, then I'd say you've done all that is necessary, until something shows you that your FWB has changed their opinion on the agreement.

So, unless you're seeing a big red flag (I want you to meet my parents; why don't you introduce me to your friends / family; etc) I'd not worry. Keep things at arms length. Reassess if you think a behavior calls for it.

As to the whole "falling in love" stuff, I don't agree with most people on this site. People don't just happen into love. It's the result of a series of choices, and is itself a choice. People just happen into lust, it's something you have very limited control over.

Do you hear the people sing / Lost in the valley of the night?
It is the music of a people / Who are climbing to the light.
For the wretched of the earth / There is a flame that never dies.
Even the darkest night will end / And the sun will rise...
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post #7 of 54 (permalink) Old 10-30-2016, 04:34 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Responsibility for other people's decisions

I also found "falling in love" to be a choice, but it's like a river pushing against dam, once you let go it kinda floods everything and you lose control and the more you try to fight it back the more it carries you away.

But thanks guys, I guess I'll keep living life and stop over thinking things!
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post #8 of 54 (permalink) Old 10-30-2016, 05:35 AM
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Re: Responsibility for other people's decisions

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Where do we as men draw the line? Should we hold ourselves responsible for someone else's decisions? If one has made it perfectly clear that there can be no future, no relationship, no attachment, and the other person still falls in love, are we to be judged if we continue the "relationship"?
Grow up.

Sh*t happens. You ever hear that phrase, "life happens when we're busy making plans?" Just because your original agreement was to be FWBs doesn't mean things can't change. It happens all the time. Unfortunately for her, she's going to find out what a bad choice she really made.

You're doing all kinds of back-pedaling and passing the buck just so you don't lose your precious NSA sex. All this happy horsesh*t about "it's a choice to love someone" and "why should I be responsible for HER decisions..." is such a weak, ignorant and self-serving argument. I honestly can't imagine how pitiful it must be to live for your damned genitals to the point where you lose your humanity and no longer even have the most basic sense of decency for other human beings.

But you keep on keeping on, as long as you're getting yours, right? Pitiful.
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post #9 of 54 (permalink) Old 10-30-2016, 10:28 AM
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Re: Responsibility for other people's decisions

You are never responsible for someone else's decisions, actions and/or thoughts. Those are their own, just as yours are yours and no one else can "own" them. But if it is your actions that is misleading them, for that you are responsible. I agree with Kivlor, as long as you have made your intentions clear and have been honest with the other person, you bear no responsibility for what they may choose to believe or how they choose to act or think. The only thing you owe another person is honesty.

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post #10 of 54 (permalink) Old 10-30-2016, 10:46 AM
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Re: Responsibility for other people's decisions

I do not think love is a choice. If it were, we could make ourselves love our spouses in order to keep our families together or those who are single could make themselves love their perfect on paper dates they can't muster feeling toward.

I compartmentalize well and do not get involved with casual sex partners. When I was single and during my first marriage, I was very upfront and honest about my intentions. I made sure my partners understood there was nothing beyond enjoying each others company and casual sex. Whenever I noticed signs a casual sex partner was developing feelings, I would end the relationship in order to avoid causing unnecessary pain. There are always more casual sex partners out there to sample. No need to cause emotional upset to anyone just to get laid.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #11 of 54 (permalink) Old 10-30-2016, 10:52 AM
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Re: Responsibility for other people's decisions

You can't be responsible for how she feels, or for her decisions. If her attachment makes you uncomfortable, then it becomes your decision to stay or leave the FWB, or dial it back to just friends. If you're not uncomfortable, and your views are completely clear and known to her, then it is her choice to stay in a situation that won't resolve in her favor. Remind her of that occasionally, and then it is not your responsibility. She is an adult, and as long as she has accurate information, is responsible for her choices. However, as I said initially, if her choices make you uncomfortable or creates problems, then it is appropriate for you to move on.

Personally, I'd feel uncomfortable being the one who is the reason for her poor decision, and so would probably move on just for that.

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

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post #12 of 54 (permalink) Old 10-30-2016, 10:55 AM
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Re: Responsibility for other people's decisions

Why are you so set on just having a string of FWBs rather than a relationship?
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post #13 of 54 (permalink) Old 10-30-2016, 10:59 AM
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Re: Responsibility for other people's decisions

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Originally Posted by Starstarfish View Post
Why are you so set on just having a string of FWBs rather than a relationship?
What difference does that make? The OP has chosen to live their life, the way they want to live their life. Why should they have to have a "relationship"?

BTW, FWB is a relationship.

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post #14 of 54 (permalink) Old 10-30-2016, 11:02 AM
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Re: Responsibility for other people's decisions

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Why are you so set on just having a string of FWBs rather than a relationship?


I was wondering that too?

OP, you are afraid of being hurt?
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post #15 of 54 (permalink) Old 10-30-2016, 11:09 AM
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Re: Responsibility for other people's decisions

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What difference does that make? The OP has chosen to live their life, the way they want to live their life. Why should they have to have a "relationship"?

BTW, FWB is a relationship.
I think we'll need to agree to disagree on a FWB "arrangement" being a relationship.

And he doesn't need to do anything. But he's opened enough threads on the topic where the dream of the FWB doesn't work the way he wants it to.

He wants the benefits of a relationship - a woman readily available for sex when he desires without needing to have the emotional involvement.

So really the question is can you sleep with a woman long-term and have her not develop some sort of feelings and have it stay in "F$%#-buddy" zone forever? I'm going to argue not likely.

But OP over threads has revealed to have very specific standards - they can't be too short or he can't 69 properly. They have to be a "solid 10." And he has to bail if they develop feelings. I cannot honestly say I see that feasible and supportable over the long-term.
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