Honestly I think sharing her needs openly was so new to her that she probably only scratched the surface. None of the things she mentioned were deep emotional needs that weren't being met. Most of them that she shared she would say, "actually you're doing pretty good on this." or "This actually hasn't been an issue for awhile." The deep stuff is in there somewhere. I just have to show her she can trust me with them.
Exactly! And even more important, she now knows you are listening!! Believe it or not that alone can make a world of difference...knowing that your feelings are being heard!
Again I'm so happy for your progress!
Dude that is so awesome!! Call me gay but I'm smiling over here for you. It means you're on the road to a happy marriage where both people are working to the same goal!
Don't get discouraged if you take a few steps back or if progress seems slow. You're on the path and headed in the right direction. Stick in there and be patient. And know that your wife sees the progress you're making and just wants you to keep at it. Be open to hearing the "dirt" and working on it without taking it personally. Likewise, let your wife know that you acknowledge the changes she's making and how awesome it is (I know that one is huge with my wife, she needs constant acknowledgement that she's making progress to meeting my needs).
Way to stick in there and be one of the elite. I'm going to start a club called The Woman Pleasers, you can be an honorary member.
We spent a couple hours sharing each others needs and talking about how to better meet those needs for each other. There are obviously still walls to break down but it felt like a good open conversation.
Now the trick will be to be on the ball about meeting her needs. Even if I have to let some other things I'm doing around the house slip, I really need to meet these specific needs.
Sex was obviously one of my big needs. I tried not to make a huge deal about it but I did want to make it clear that it was something I needed and expected out of this relationship. I know it's not the most romantic thing but we decided to schedule sex for the next month. We compromised on the amount and settled on 4 times a month. This is a huge increase from the once every six weeks we have been doing.
I knew things must be going pretty well when we were scheduling the sex days on the calendar and she glanced up at the clock. She had a look on her face that seemed a little mischievous, so I said, "are you thinking of squeezing one in tonight?" She looks back down at the calendar and goes, "yeah I was thinking about it." So we ended up having sex.
It was a little awkward but still nice not to have to beg for it. I don't think scheduled sex is a great long term solution but hopefully it gets us feeling more connected. And honestly having a little heart drawn in on our family calendar for the days we will have sex is kind of hot. It's like our little secret and it's something to anticipate together. We threw in another rule (my idea) for spontaneous sex. It could still happen but if someone initiated and you didn't want to do it you could say, "sorry honey not right now but I'm looking forward to our sex night."
Anyhoo, it felt like progress. Obviously laying out the plan is a lot different than living it so we'll see how things go.
I echo the others in saying congratulations. This is progress for both of you. I know that you have been working hard to improve things. The above in bold is real evidence that she is also working toward that goal and toward meeting your needs. Great to see!
Dude that is so awesome!! Call me gay but I'm smiling over here for you. It means you're on the road to a happy marriage where both people are working to the same goal!
Don't get discouraged if you take a few steps back or if progress seems slow. You're on the path and headed in the right direction. Stick in there and be patient. And know that your wife sees the progress you're making and just wants you to keep at it. Be open to hearing the "dirt" and working on it without taking it personally. Likewise, let your wife know that you acknowledge the changes she's making and how awesome it is (I know that one is huge with my wife, she needs constant acknowledgement that she's making progress to meeting my needs).
Way to stick in there and be one of the elite. I'm going to start a club called The Woman Pleasers, you can be an honorary member.
Thanks for all the advice and encouragement. Also, thanks for the advice about encouraging my wife. I often forget to praise others for their efforts. I know listening to some of my needs wasn't the easiest thing to do and having sex was probably not something she really wanted to do, but she did it anyway to meet my need. I need to make sure she knows I appreciate what she did and the efforts she is making.
Tuesdays we are going to go through a marriage book together and continue to share our needs with each other. Let the healing begin!
P.S. Whether I'm the "Elite" or not might still be up for debate, but I would be honored to be in your club.
You are in the Elite if you love and cherish your wife. If you are justified in throwing in the towel but you show patience and are man enough to admit your faults and work on them. Many men in your shoes would have thrown in the towel. It takes a real man to look in the mirror, see where he has stumbled, and strive to work on it. Note that this is different than being a doormat, which you could have been if you did not have the courage to tell your wife your needs.
There's lots of "good" men out there, the elite know how to sacrifice for their wives without sacrificing their self-respect. Something to ponder while you pound the snot out of her
saying, "Love you" is extremely important, but maybe it is better not to push that right now. I have also read "MMSL" and am putting things into practice myself. I would also suggest that you get a copy of "the Couple Checkup" take the online test and read the book. It may help.
__________________
The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to "stand up for your rights." Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out. 1 Corinthians 7:2 (The Message)
Thanks for all the advice and encouragement. Also, thanks for the advice about encouraging my wife. I often forget to praise others for their efforts. I know listening to some of my needs wasn't the easiest thing to do and having sex was probably not something she really wanted to do, but she did it anyway to meet my need. I need to make sure she knows I appreciate what she did and the efforts she is making.
Tuesdays we are going to go through a marriage book together and continue to share our needs with each other. Let the healing begin!
P.S. Whether I'm the "Elite" or not might still be up for debate, but I would be honored to be in your club.
If articulating each of your needs are difficult, there are resources available to help you with that. For instance, go look at the following link. On the right hand side there are links to questionnaires, one entitled "Love Busters" that each of you fill out identifying things your spouse does that kill your desire and another for "Emotional Needs" that help identify what it is you both need. If you can fill each of those out independently and then regroup and discuss them, it might help jumpstart some of those conversations.
If articulating each of your needs are difficult, there are resources available to help you with that. For instance, go look at the following link. On the right hand side there are links to questionnaires, one entitled "Love Busters" that each of you fill out identifying things your spouse does that kill your desire and another for "Emotional Needs" that help identify what it is you both need. If you can fill each of those out independently and then regroup and discuss them, it might help jumpstart some of those conversations.
Happy to hear that there's been some progress made! That is awesome news.
Thanks, Enchantment, already have them printed out and ready. I'm going to give us a few weeks, maybe even a month or two, to get our feet on the ground then I'll use these as a gauge of progress. I just don't want things to slip back into apathy.
saying, "Love you" is extremely important, but maybe it is better not to push that right now. I have also read "MMSL" and am putting things into practice myself. I would also suggest that you get a copy of "the Couple Checkup" take the online test and read the book. It may help.
I'll have to look into that one. We're going to go through "A Safe Haven Marriage." Don't know much about it but it was recommended to me by our pastor.
I know our issues aren't all about sex, but that element of feeling unwanted and rejected is the most hurtful part of our relationship for me.
So humor me
Since we have scheduled sex for this month what should I do on those days. Should I point it out and remind her? Be extra lovey and flirty all day? Just go to bed early and wait for her and if she doesn't show up just let her know the next day? The point of scheduling was so that I didn't have to beg and she could be better emotionally prepared, But what if when we get to the day she doesn't show any signs of wanting to follow through with it?
Last night was a little confusing because it was a scheduled day. But when I playfully pointed it out she crossed out the heart and put a heart on last Tuesday (Thats when we had sex after the discussion) I can see how that was a little confusing but I left that "event" very confident that Tuesday was just an "extra."
So I didn't push the issue. But I guess I felt a little hurt. Do you think it was a fitness test? I'm suddenly looking at these little hearts on the calendars not as fun, sexy secrets but as Rejection Days.
I know our issues aren't all about sex, but that element of feeling unwanted and rejected is the most hurtful part of our relationship for me.
So humor me
Since we have scheduled sex for this month what should I do on those days. Should I point it out and remind her? Be extra lovey and flirty all day? Just go to bed early and wait for her and if she doesn't show up just let her know the next day? The point of scheduling was so that I didn't have to beg and she could be better emotionally prepared, But what if when we get to the day she doesn't show any signs of wanting to follow through with it?
Last night was a little confusing because it was a scheduled day. But when I playfully pointed it out she crossed out the heart and put a heart on last Tuesday (Thats when we had sex after the discussion) I can see how that was a little confusing but I left that "event" very confident that Tuesday was just an "extra."
So I didn't push the issue. But I guess I felt a little hurt. Do you think it was a fitness test? I'm suddenly looking at these little hearts on the calendars not as fun, sexy secrets but as Rejection Days.
***Wind out of sail***
Hang in there and Don't give up!!!! Yeah, most women don't wanted to be reminded to have sex...It makes it sound like a chore. Remember how you both felt on that Tuesday and try and bring back out the romance!! Turn those hearts back into sexy fun secret days!!!
I know our issues aren't all about sex, but that element of feeling unwanted and rejected is the most hurtful part of our relationship for me.
So humor me
Since we have scheduled sex for this month what should I do on those days. Should I point it out and remind her? Be extra lovey and flirty all day? Just go to bed early and wait for her and if she doesn't show up just let her know the next day? The point of scheduling was so that I didn't have to beg and she could be better emotionally prepared, But what if when we get to the day she doesn't show any signs of wanting to follow through with it?
Last night was a little confusing because it was a scheduled day. But when I playfully pointed it out she crossed out the heart and put a heart on last Tuesday (Thats when we had sex after the discussion) I can see how that was a little confusing but I left that "event" very confident that Tuesday was just an "extra."
So I didn't push the issue. But I guess I felt a little hurt. Do you think it was a fitness test? I'm suddenly looking at these little hearts on the calendars not as fun, sexy secrets but as Rejection Days.
***Wind out of sail***
Ouch. A step back for sure. In a cool and calm tone, ask her why she is changing what you as a couple agreed upon, then let her talk. When she is done, I would say "I am disappointed that you changed our agreement without even talking to me about it. I will need to think about this." Then walk away and think about it. This will give you time to process what she said and decide how to react. It will also give her time to process the your statement.
Edit - once you resolve this, I would suggest that you work on the foreplay a day or two before the date. Light touching, flirting, a quick hard kiss then walking away. Start the process before hand - don't wait until 11 pm when you are heading to bed.
Hang in there and Don't give up!!!! Yeah, most women don't wanted to be reminded to have sex...It makes it sound like a chore. Remember how you both felt on that Tuesday and try and bring back out the romance!! Turn those hearts back into sexy fun secret days!!!
Only trouble is that I'm not sure she saw Tuesday as a "good" night. I thought maybe she was being a little playful but she might have really just wanted to get the sex out of the way for the rest of the week.
She may not see them as fun, sexy, secret days just annoying days. Days where if she doesn't say anything she might be able to get by without having to do anything. She can always claim she forgot (she has a pretty bad memory) and, "oh well" guess we'll have to wait until next week.
Point is, we should both be trying to reconnect. We should both be looking at those hearts as opportunities to be together, to share each other, to meet each other's needs.
Re: My Basic Expectations 
