I'm new to the board. It's kind of at my last straw. I'm hoping getting this off my chest will help me cope as I really have no one to talk with. I have friends, but not "those" type of friends.
I have everything most could want a good job, great kids, ok health, decent looks, but feel completely alone. I've been married for 9 years. My girls (4 & 7) cry when their Mom leaves them with me because I have to be the disciplinarian and am constantly used as negative reinforcment by my wife. (Let me finish combing your hair or I'll have your Dad do it) My wife treats me like a complete stranger. She hasn't affectionally touched me since April. I've slept on the couch for over a year because my snoring keeps my wife up. (if not that, it's my breathing) There's a lot more to that story, but suffice to say she's like living with a moody complete stranger.
I joke around all the time, but it's really hard to keep on that facade with so much sadness ripping through my heart. I don't want to lose my wife because I would lose my girls. Don't get me wrong, I still love my wife dearly, but constant rejection can lead to resentment. I don't think my wife loves me any more. I have the feeling she fell out of love with me a long time ago and she's having marriage remorse, but stays in it for the kids.
We don't fight. We just live our lives. As time goes on, I can feel the tension building up in me. I fear I'm a ticking time bomb and I'm going to explode one day. I don't talk to anyone. I keep it all bottle up. I'll vent on my drives to and from work but those are more bouts of sadness.
I don't know what I expect anyone to tell me from what I've written. I understand that I need to be happy and maybe I need to get away in order for that to occcur, but I'm not abandoning my girls. I honestly think that's what my wife wants me to do. I love my family dearly.
I don't know what hurts worse, the fact that my wife can't stand to sleep with me, or that my kids cry when they have to be left alone with me.
my wife uses my snoring as an excuse for all her problems. now i dont doubt its terribly annoying and causes problems. therefore i moved to another part of the house to alleviate the issue. i did this because she basically blamed me (snoring) for her lack of sleep, innability to clean up her messes (really bad messes), her migraines (she doesnt get treatment for) and anything else under the sun. its all she actually has on me and i would be willing to get help for it if i thought it would change things, but i know it wont.
our situations sound kind of similar, i dont know where it leads. i doubt its anywhere good.
I would think about putting your marriage issues to the side for a little bit and focus on getting yourself to a healthier place. You sound pretty depressed. Get a hobby, make some friends. You might even try some individual counseling.
If your wife doesn't notice the change it's ok. Focus on getting yourself to a healthy "whole" place.
You sound so down I agree with getting individual counselling. I think it would do you a world of good.
For your kids - What a dirty trick she's playing. Do you get to take the kids out ever by yourself to fun places? If she doesn't like that - Sounds like she's controlling and scared due to her own insecurities. Don't give up - When your kids are older they'll see the truth, but you can't back down from showing them how much you love them.
I feel for you.. Your post sounds super sad, and I wish there was more that we could say to help.
The snoring excuse makes me angry - My fiance snores every night. It sucks. I go to another room to sleep.. (He offers to leave but of course I'm stubborn) It doesn't affect anything other than me missing him at night. Blaming someone for something they have control over changing is ridiculous. Don't listen to that crap ( I mean her, not you ).
I've thought about going to counseling, but a couple of my family (Aunt, Cousin) are severly depressed. She is always ripping on my "crazy" family around my girls and I would hate for her to say something like that to them about me. I'm not saying she would, but that would crush me if my kids thought I was mentally unstable.
My girls adore their Mother. They're very impressionable. My wife is always saying things about how worthless men are. My fear is that my daughters will grow up to be bitter feminists who hate men.
My wife has a child that I've pretty much raised and the father of that child is always fighting with her. He's always lived with us. I try not to get involved as it is still his father, so I've always taken the, "I'm here if you need me approach". After these fights is when she goes on the men bashing rants. It just rips my heart out. When ever I've tried to discipline her son I end up the bad guy. He leaves a mess, I'll say something to him, she'll pipe in, "you leave messes too". I told her once that he was joking a lot about pot, "she says, I'm sure you did worse things when you were younger". It always comes back to me. I'm always the odd one out, even when I'm trying to help. So I just stay out of their business.
I don't doubt my girls love me. My 7 year old won't go to bed unless I tuck her in every night. My 4 year old runs to me when I come home from work screaming "Daddy" and gives me a hug. Things like that are what keep me going. My 7 year old will see when I'm having a bad day and sit on my lap and ask what's wrong. She's my angel. She's what keeps me going. That's the reason I could never leave my wife. I love my girls to much. I have to fix my marriage.
If you are afraid to go to counseling, maybe you should try a men's support group. You can talk about the things that are bothering you, make friends with men that you can talk to and not have to look to your wives to make you happy.
They sound like they don't want you to be around, so don't be. If you don't join a men's group, go do something to make friends with men. Go do something you enjoy, and find a hobby.
They will either complain more, or actually start to enjoy the time when you are around. My bet is they will start enjoying you around. Don't lie to them about what you are doing. Be upfront with it. You should also encourage them to go out with female friends.
Also when you have time alone with your children, take them to go do something fun they want to do. Don't act like you don't want to be there and are only there because they wanted to go. Get involved with them. Be fun. Funniest thing is to go to a Fast Food restaurant with those play areas and don't just sit on the bench and watch. Go play with them.
Oh I am very involved with my girls. We went to the zoo this summer because my wife hates animals. I take them on the rides at the amusements parks because my wifes hates rides. I take them to movies because she can't stand movie theaters. There are lots of things that we do, but it's the times when she has to go get her hair done, or run to the store and they have to stay home with me. That's when they throw fits because they have to stay home with me.
I'm going to comment, this time, only about the snoring. I snored terribly. Didn't sleep or breathe well and was always tired. I finally caved in and got tested for sleep apnea. Turned out that I would stop breathing every three minutes for over sixty seconds each time. Here's the deal......that puts a tremendous strain on a heart and causes damage over time. Now, I use a machine at night. It's a weird thing to do, but I don't snore with it. I still don't sleep more than five hours, but I wake up refreshed and have energy. Take care of yourself....... Posted via Mobile Device
As others have stated get checked by a Doctor for sleep apnea you also could have a deviated septum, Doctor's thought I suffered from sleep apnea but it was an actually a deviated septum. Once fixed the problems went away.
As to your wife have you gone to a MC to actually get some professional help. It is cheaper then a D which it appears you two are heading unless you change course?
I don't think my wife loves me any more. I have the feeling she fell out of love with me a long time ago and she's having marriage remorse, but stays in it for the kids.
Hey. This is pretty cool. MrK gets to be the smart one for a change.
You had it right the whole time. You signed up in the past 36 hours. I don't know how long you've been reading prior to that. Go to the search function and search some key words: "ILYBINILWY" (I love you but I'm not in love with you), "doesn't love me any more", "Doesn't love me", "fell out of love with me". Search w/ the parentheses so it searches the whole phrase. There will be a WHOLE LOT of good reading on women falling out of love with their husbands. And 9 years is prime-time.
While reading, note the lack, FROM WOMEN, of "my marriage recovered and it is better than ever". You'll get some "we made it through it and we're better than we were". But I hate to say it, they usually don't come back. Why would they? Think of how few couples get back together after they break up or divorce. VERY rare. And they are separated. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Your wife broke up with you, but has to see you every day. Everything that forced her to fall out of love with you gets reinforced EVERY DAY.
The couples that come back have to have a commitment from both sides. Your wife checked out. She may not mean to provoke that negative reinforcement, but it is cruel. (And don't worry about your daughters. My 14 year old loves me to death. Always has. And ALWAYS wants to be with her mother if it is a choice between the two of us).
This is such lazy advice and it is given for everything that ails you, but start researching 180/man-up. Start getting ready for life without your wife. Better yourself for you and your girls. Be strong and confident. No more whining and begging. If she wants to come along great. If not, too bad. Her loss. And if it does get to the point of where you know it will never recover and you need to leave, it will be a better, stronger more confident you heading out into the world.
I am older than you, but in dealing with my current problems that brought me here originally, I realized that my wife fell out of love with me right at the point in my life where you are now. 10 years later and my marriage is still not good. I don't think it will ever be again. I can't tell you how many times I've posted in this forum about how I wish my wife divorced me back then. Although it would have SUCKED at the time, we'd both be over it by now and in happier relationships. I was in that 4-7 year old range when my parents divorced. I got over it fast. I'm used to it.
It has been 15 years since a woman has desired me. It has been 15 years since a woman has desired my kisses. It has been 15 years since a woman has enjoyed intimacy with me. It has been 15 years since a woman has loved me. I'm too old. I've got three kids who are older. I can't start over. You can. I will go through the rest of my life without a woman desiring any of that from me again. Can you do it?
This is going to sound strange and shocking to you. But, you can fix this and have a great relationship with your wife. Your wife wants happiness in her life as much as you. All you have to do is personally make it happen, and don't allow her to prevent it from happening.
Your wife has aggressively driven your family life into a certain very negative direction. As a female, she is not physically aggressive but she is emotionally aggressive. You, being taught by your mother that women are weak and need to be "coddled" go along with everything she does in an effort to make her happy and to have her stop behaving this way. Now, the big question you wonder is WHY did she do this? She did it to test your manliness. She does not want coddling. She wants you to stand up to it.
What you have to do is decide on the type of happy marriage you want, where you want to sleep, how you want your wife to speak to you, how you want your wife to not portray you as the bad guy to your kids, how you want happiness in your family, and literally create this as the situation. And, realize that your wife WANTS you to step up, as a man, and create a good and happy family.
I'm rooting for you. Felt in very similar position in the past that you face now. You can make yourself a better life.
first, identify things you can do for yourself. One easy target is going to the gym every day. Make time to improve yourself. I know it's tough when people say "get a hobby." That sucks. If you had a hobby interest, you'd already be doing it. My suggestion would be to find some type of group where you can make a contribution with your time where shared work will allow you to build a set of friendships. Are there any parent group's at your daughter's school? do they play any sports? Maybe you can coach a soccer team for them. Find an outlet where you can support your girls but build a friend network at the same time.
After you've had some success in the gym and in expanding yourself in the community, move to step 2: fixing the home front. You have to stand up for yourself and set boundaries. Tell wife directly that degrading / running down men to your daughters is harmful to them and disrespectful to you and that it will no longer be tolerated. Set a consequence with the boundary as well. (i.e. everytime she runs men down, you're taking the girls out for an ice cream while Mom stays home). Do not let yourself be the victim here. You can be the leader. More importantly, your wife needs you to take the lead. Everyone has their faults. By taking the lead, you can help your wife overcome her own prejudices and become the best person she can be as well.
This is in you. To steal a marketing tag: Bo Knows.