Malibu17

I don't like to discuss any marriage issues with my kids, but when they're 16 and 18 yrs old, they know more then we give them credit for.

My wife and I have been separated for 10 months now. Today, she told me (in front of the kids) that they asked some questions about some of our issues and she answered them, including the affair I had on her and the time she went out on me on a cruise. My 16 yr old son wanted to know what the other issues were, that were keeping us from getting back together. I didn't want to tell him all the issues I had with his mom, because I didn't want to make her look bad to him and my daughter (who was listening as well). I told him a couple of the issues in general, such as; it's been both of us and there have been a lot of things to destroy our relationship. I also said it's been an unlovable relationship, but we're both to blame. I told them about how we tried over the years with extensive counseling and that his mom suggested (1 yr), after our last counseling session, that we separated. I felt that she was urging me to leave. She said that she said that because she felt I was unhappy. I said sometimes I was and wasn't, but felt pushed out nonetheless.

Both of our kids know some of the major issues, but not ALL of the issues, because I don't like to slam their mom to them, even though she doesn't mind doing the same to me to them... many times.

The kids know they have nothing to do with the breakdown in our relationship.

Have any of you had a talk with your kids, regarding hard questions that they have asked, about why you're having troubles, separated or getting divorced?

justean

i think my H and i over the years and yep we have split up a few times for many different reasons.
obviously as the children were younger, we tried numerous ways , sometimes we didnt tell them, not appropriate, to young and sometimes we did tell them.
i think you just have to look at whats appropriate for the issue in hand and your children themselves.

our last split was april 08 for a few months, H had a ONS (one night stand).
i had found on previous experience because it had worked for us, but we told our children what had happened and they could come to us with openess and honesty.
our children were brilliant and they were 10 and 7 at the time.
obviously we didnt tell every detail - not necessary.
but they were told, dad had met someone else and mum was upset .
i explained if they saw me angry or crying, it was because of how i felt, that it wasnt their fault and at the time my H and I concentrated on our children and making them happy.
after a week of arguing from the date of the event, i decided to stop arguing , because its distressing for everyone involved and our children came first.
but then this is my personality also.
children wil have their own ideas on the questions, just answer as best you can without adding the details.
at the end of the day, they are your children, but your relationship with your wife is also a personal one that the children need to understand .

snix11

When my kids ask me why i'm upset I tend to tell them the truth - so they don't worry it has something to do with them.

Daddy hurt my feelings and I'm sad is usually enough for the little ones. The teenagers I give a little more info to - but as much as I can without blaming. I just use alot of I messages.

I am sad because dad wants to move out. I am frustrated because I don't feel loved right now. That sort of thing. Then I tell them what I'm going to go about it -

But i'm going out with my friends this weekend to be around happy people.

I'm going to go work out and get it out of my system so i'm not so sad and grumpy.

Like that. Tell them a little - they hate to be left out and want to help and then give them good healthy things they can do when they are feeling the same way.

My two cents