I don't know if you're still logging in to TAM but if you are I forgot to mention the most important thing in treating vaginismus. Education! It is vital that she understand that what is happening to her is not because she is frigid. She needs to believe that what she has, vaginismus, is an involuntary condition that absolutely can be successfully treated.
There are web sites that explain vaginismus and there are products you can buy, lubricants and dilator, there are even "programs" you can buy that offer books, dvds, and a set of dilators. While there are all great, she needs to see a physical therapist who specializes in Women's Pelvic Floor Dysfunction.
I had a pelvic floor dysfunction that caused such pain It left me bedridden for the whole day. I had to lay in bed on my left side to ease the pain. It was misdiagnosed by my Primary Care doc, who sent my to a gastroenterologist, who sent me to a urologist until someone told me I should try this GYN who speciliazed in pelvic floor problems. She put me on estrogen cream, which didn't help at all. Then someone else, a PT student, said I should see a PT specialist. I found one, waited two months for an opening and went.
My first appointment she took my history, which took a while to get through since I'm in my 50's.
Then I took off my clothes and she pressed around my vulva area asking me to contract various muscles. Then she inserted her finger in my vagina and pressed up, pressed down, pressed to the right and then the left. She isolated the specific muscle groups that were spasming. It was slightly painful during the exam and afterwards I was back in bed on my left side because the pain built. She gave me a very slender wand and taught me how to insert it, where to push it and what I should do while it was inside. I was to do this every day except if I was in pain, however I was to expect a little pain while pressing on the internal muscles. It took a week before I noticed improvement. But once I noticed improvement, the improvement progressed and within 2 months I no longer had pain regularly.
I have to admit, that had I developed this condition in my younger days I would have completely ignored it. I would never have sought treatment because I also had a strong case of sexual inhibition and there was no way I would have ever discussed my lack of sexual response with any doctor, or person.
So for a young woman who was raised to avoid sexual contact until married, that inhibition doesn't just go away once married. To avoid sexual contact a woman has to shut down her sexual responses. She has to teach herself that sexual arousal means she is in danger of unwanted sexual contact. Unwanted because she has been taught to protect her virginity until marriage. This doesn't happen to men, or doesn't generally cause them to be unable to have an erection. When a man is aroused his penis reacts on its own. Testosterone is a very strong hormone that over rides inhibition. Women don't have testosterone, not at the levels men do, so our sexual arousal is very closely linked to our emotional state. Anxiety and depression are an emotional state that enable us to inhibit our sexual responses. A wedding ring does not over ride inhibition.
Your wife has to understand all that I just wrote. She has to understand that her inability to have penetrative sex is INVOLUNTARY. She has to believe that she can be cured of this pain. She has to not feel ashamed. She has to not feel broken, not feel frigid. She has to WANT to be cured.
I suggest you both, together, read the info found here because I found it to be very reassuring and informative: https://www.vaginismus.com/
. However, would urge your wife not to use the treatment plan offered for sale until she has actually had an appointment with a physical therapist or specializes in women's pelvic floor dysfunction. Depending on your insurance, it may be most cost effective to purchase this treatment plan. But the PT specialist is best because the PT can guide your wife through the entire process. I had 4 weekly appointments then had 2 follow up appointments 2 weeks apart. Each appointment cost $40 co-pay. This treatment at the website above, which is a good one, costs $90. Going to a PT is best and having a sexually healthy wife is priceless.